Standing in the driveway
I see my reflection through a car door mirror
A ruddy, half-formed echo
As awkward as she is hopeful
A naive school-girl stance
Hoping to hide her dirty knees
And those unsightly patterns
Stitched in a forgotten teenage nightmare
And sealed with dodgy Skype encounters
Pull me ever forward
I wonder
With bags around me
What will this journey cost?

He greets me...

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I tend to only see clearly

When I look back

I question is there a life I can live freely

Without having to watch my back

I simply tried to love everyone dearly

While they turned their back.

The flashes of the past

My urges to live fast

The way I left myself last

I believed I was always an outcast

My innocence became cracked

All the questions I wish I got ...

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I love my dad

I wake to see him leave for work

Bothered, busy and a berk

Hat, keys, a kiss for mum and gone

The door shuts but opens again oddly

To whom has the pleasure so fondly?

A mother knows best it seems

As the Milkman’s round

What would dad say?

What should I say if anything at all?

It's not my place to feel so small

Holding the atomic smash of a b...

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They came

from out of nowhere

this morning,

before I rose,

half alseep,

for some reason,

hazy memories

of my sixteen-year-old

or thereabouts self

swam through

my sleep-slow mind

and suddenly,

focused on his face,

I remembered

his wiry hair,

clear as a bell,

I remembered his face,

his angry, waspish

bespectacled face.

I hadn’t properl...

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I still remember

Cold faces in my bedroom

Smiling women in the dark

Slicked hair, teeth sharp

I still remember

The man whose legs

Popped out from under my bed

And I screamed

Broad daylight was frightening

Heart speeding, head beating

The men who moved closer towards me

All I could do was freeze

I’d stare back

With sucked breath, shaking knees

Day afte...

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You laid it down before me
Stuck the dollar in my nose
Got me breathing fast
Had me feeling trashed

One dose had me down
One hit and I begged for more
One more hit
One more kiss
One more line
One more night
Until my body went cold

Laced with poison
You decieved me
Lied about what you sold
And now I can't shake this crave
I can't shake this pain
I can't shake you from my brain

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My journey of healing begins

Trekking along a rocky road of unhealed traumas

Breathing slowly, inhale, exhale!

Tear filled eyes, liquid dreams wash away right before me

Asking myself, who am I now?

And, who do I want to be? 

Against my will, my mind flickers through memories past,  

Confronted with my shadow

Refusing to flee, I learn to cope with the density

Leaving room...

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It reaches further than "please fuck me" or "don’t touch me"

It’s a liminal in-between 

A line we like to call blurry

But I never asked you to undress me

My body abandoned me

My words went slurry

Tongue too thick to go beyond a mumble

Kind sir escorted me to save me from stumble

Four times play on my mind

One of them I even forgot

Until it accosted me during a usual d...

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I wrestled you down

Girl

Into woman

I grew your thoughts for you

Lifeless of the party

Monotone 

You vacuum expression

And drain me,

Exhausted

Stop

I gave you emotions

Give me energy

Any kind just give

Give and give 

I must drink

Always thirsty am I

But I drink for you

So what’s this lull in your throat

Dip in your tone

Crack? 

No

You ...

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the see-thru states

of liminal infamy

"don't let me down" 

sung in desperate drams

beacons prain

from a street corner

affixed and shorn and 

bare-truthed,

snaggle toothed:

cleft palates and anaphylaxis 

sanded down by time

into a shape something 

much like mine

(too much)

please see me

but don't look;

a shared hypocrisy 

wrung motes of p...

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The Eagle Woman is made of shale 
layers of life loam, which weigh her down
She is subsumed by ten white men who have killed every ounce of her outward nature.
Men like granite who glance her way
Not seeing the feathers pearlescent, buried, fused with the debris of past bullies.
Though she rises up to the thermals with wings that only God himself can capitulate.

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The sound of your voice
as your walls come up
the sacred inability 
to fully trust
like words resting
on the tip of your tongue
you want it to come out
but can't quite get it
 

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My dad gave me a pair of glasses when I was about 5

It confused me a little

He said, “This is the only thing you’ll ever need.” 

“This will keep you as my little girl,” he said

He put it on and looked at me with a smile

With a warm one, I could see he liked it this way

I wondered back then if the warmth would cool if I took it off

but I didn’t want to find out so soon

I cou...

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Just thinkin' of that night,

Colors of black and crimson red,

And the 5 liters of blood and byle

That I internally shed,

It's a miracle that I'm alive,

Cause I should be dead,

Battling the depression sucks,

Sometimes it's hard to get out of bed,

Only God knows the everyday duels

With the devil I fight inside my head,

The people that I've hurt,

And the thi...

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God, I know you’re good.

You’re gentle and you’re kind. 

You quiet the restless heart,

With words it cannot find.

You tether the most wayward souls,

Drawn away by the slightest breeze.

You answer the most daring questions,

With sovereignty and ease.

All you do is good,

It’s the only way you know how to be.

How else could the Lion

Befriend a sheep like me?

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In this dark night of my soul

at the hands of unkind men,

when they looked at me and saw no value, 

except for every now and then.

In those moments of quiet desolation,

when I begged to hear your voice,

when I pleaded for you to save me

and when I wrestled with your choice.

For all the ways I can forgive them,

though it makes no sense at all.

The winds of a...

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Real love is life threatening 

It’s not serene, sweet, dream love

It’s not romantic, rainbow love

No

True love is torture 

Gut wrenching pain

Hands and knees, love 

Need it to breathe, love 

It’s enough to put you away, love 

But never pull you away, love 

It’s masochistically addictive 

It titillates and irritates

Possesses every bit 

Until you have a fit

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THE FIFTEEN CURSES OF CALEB

A happening of fascination

The affected refrain from spilling out

The affected begins to ponder

Thoughts begin to hurt

A common voice is only common

As long as the affected recollects his words

He is...

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A Dim Afterparty

Thou shall never know if words could ever suffice

Nor should the laws of nature bound the mind to the earth

For we exist as long as the fade of eternal light

Brings a dimming to the afterparty as we find it cannot always be night

And though our hands feel our knees and our locked chests

Some can see clearly yet roam in the subconscious dark depths

In a ...

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When they say to stay gold

Is it for bright days to sit between your ears?

All the cotton clouds, two or three, right there?

Or is it to find strength for your arms to pull you over the mossed edge?

Mama cried after every light accomplishment

Whether it be reinstated love or you set a day aside for treks and hikes

Or graduated from University

You seen Mama cry when t...

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You lock me in a room with no weapons
                                  To fight the waiting lion.
I'd built a hasty tower of chairs
To reach the window,

You could have pulled me out
But you pushed me back
                                        Saying,
                 "Find a ladder to reach this window."

And you wondered why I was clinging.

Then you pulled the chairs out
  and s...

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02.04.21 

Heart so fast I'd rival a mouse 
Darting eyes, fast breath
Don't look at me now 

Checking my phone so often 
It's hot in my hands 
Don't get too close 
Especially if you're a man 

My hands shake with fear 
And my breath quick with worry 
My leg taps a song 
Like it's also in a hurry 

I jump at the sight 
Of shadows on pavement 
Can't sleep at night 
Sick with worry...

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the warm sun reminds me of you.

the way you would hold me, in your big, strong arms.

the way you would call me beautiful, kiss my forehead.

the way you would make me feel safe. 

i miss you.

i miss you, but you don't miss me

that's the issue. we all want what we can't have.

you never think of me, but i constantly think of you.

you were the first guy to truly care f...

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31.08.21

I was waging war on my body before it had even fully grown 
No respect for the temple that houses my soul 
With cuts, and drugs and other people's limbs
I have shown her little she is respected 
And expected her to carry on as though she were

Countless sleepless nights and 'just one more drink' 
And I have pushed her to her limit 
She's crying out for acknowledgement
No more ...

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27.07.20

I am a shattered vase 
Pieces picked from the floor 
And placed back together.
Sharp broken shards 
Holding on with everything I've got
Just trying to keep the water in 
Pretending I'm in tact 
Not a shattered broken thing 

From afar I'm a vase 
Unlike any other 
Proudly displaying flowers of many kinds 
But get too close and you can see my cracks
Try to touch me and you ...

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25.03.20

When your brain is used to trickery 
It eats itself alive
Deceit is all you know 
And the way you have survived 

Be vigilant with friends
And vigilant with foes 
On guard for lies so constantly 
Analysis in tow

Are they truthful in their words?
Your brain it analyses
Putting piece and piece together 
A puzzle it disguises 

There's a slip says your mind 
Some evidence...

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My trauma sees your trauma

We are only skin deep

While we don't know the heavy stuff about each other

One stranger to another stranger

To cross that line

Can bring connection 

But with that, vulnerability and perceived danger

I want to take that step with you

But I'm afraid of what it might stir up

It may bring us closer together

Albeit, it might just trigge...

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SMASH!

Every time the glass of your skull

Crashes into the fist of another memory

To crush you where you stand

Because another memory has broken you

Because another memory has entered you

Like intruders, they force their way inside

They punch their way into your attention

They invade your heart

Until you must look at them

All so that they can violate you again

They...

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The greatest things in life cannot be seen,

Like happiness, love and serenity,

Anger, malice, wrath and rage,

I'm sick of these feelings as I grow with age,

There's more to life than being locked up,

Slamming dope and running amuck,

Looking over my shoulders the paranoia doesn't stop,

The fun is all gone and the streets are too hot,

Life on the run has turned into a drag,

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I know I traded something

A part of me

For the splendid splendour of money

I did that thing you shouldn’t do

I gave myself to him

You know, the soul

Cut a piece of myself out for him

You know, the heart

I cut a piece of myself off for him

(You know which part)

But I didn't feel a thing

I'm waiting to miss it

Miss this

Thing

I'm waiting for the pain

You...

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How many times must I rinse off the moon

And unpeel the stars from my skin?

Have someone ask what were you drinking?

How many times must I try clinging to lamp lights?

Try configuring keys into shining beacons?

I cannot see in the dark

Yes, blackouts steal my sight

But when finished,

I wake up feeling feverish

And fear ferments and festers

The night can be sticky

H...

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numb; no sensation in your face

what's about to happen, you cannot erase

I know you thought it'd be a thrill

but now you can't say no as he gives you another pill

immobilized; your body is limp

you thought you had trust but now he's acting as your pimp

your body stays paralyzed

his hands around your neck, your lungs being pulverized

you panic as you cannot breathe

adrena...

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Get out
Go away,
I've been working hard
For too many days.

Can't think
Won't sleep,
Not with you there
Herding all my sheep.

Get out
Go away,
My head's so full
And heavy with clay.

Can't think
Won't sleep,
Afraid of monsters
That are sure to creep.

Get out
Go away,
I never said
That you could stay.

Can't think
Won't sleep,
Could end it all
With just... one... leap....

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Touch me
Burn me
Hurt me
Break me
Ache me
Caress me
Kiss me
Cuddle me
Feel me
Hit me
Rub me
Taste me
Grope me
...kill me

Backdated 10/8/19

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Come in
Slide behind
Start our rhythm
Get on your grind
Forget my feelings
I'm losing my mind
Don't need real life
To you I'm blind
Can feel every ache
Wish I could rewind
Know I'll always be hurt
To you, I am confined
Just waiting for the day
To be reassigned

Backdated 10/7/19

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Try hard to push through
Try to bring back the new.
But along comes guilt and shame.
But they won't stop playing their game.

Relationship seems at risk
Relationship seems so brisk.
Maybe it's all in my head
Maybe it's already dead.

Intimacy is more than sex
Intimacy's more of a reflex.
But I need to have honesty
But the one closed off is really me.

Trauma stops any progress
Trau...

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I know what's coming,
I want to run away.
Maybe a deeper desire,
Always makes me stay.

He slips in behind me
Cuddles and watches TV.
Then he touches me and moves me,
And never once with a plea.

His rhythm begins,
One leg bracing me in.
Leaving his hand down my pants
Grabbing at my skin.

With fury and anger
His force comes to an abrupt halt.
Unsatisfied and unloved,
I'm left sh...

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The dejection
of disappointment.
The bitterness
from betrayal.
The misery
of mourning.
The sadness
from shattering.
The agony
of anxiety.
The dolor
from depression.
The torture
of trauma.
The heaviness
from heartache.

Backdated 1/10/19

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The lights dim and a curtain's drawn,
A quiet theater as the show begins.
It's the same reel playing on repeat,
A shattered heartbroken from sin.

He lies next to her as he'd always done,
Reliving his day through adventurous stories.
But something about him had changed that night,
The girl became something he had to seize.

A kiss of the lips catches her off guard,
"I'm sorry" escapes f...

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I’m not a pyromaniac, but my emotions are like a fire.
Not dealing with past trauma because I don’t have what that would require.
So when I find myself alone and fighting the darkness in my head,
I end up saying so many things I wish were never said.

And as I look around at all the bridges that I’ve burned,
I know that by now, I really should have learned.
And as the smoke clears and my la...

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Live life today,
Like there's no tomorrow,
So forget about the pain,
And embrace the sorrow,
Life is a struggle,
That we all go through,
Searching for deeper meaning,
And contemplating whats true,
Beauty and complexity,
A trip through the divine,
It can't be mere coincidence,
It was done by design,
At first we are taught this is it,
The material is all that's there,
Then what is my p...

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When you crept in me the first time 
Taking my innocence away
Did you hear me begging and pleading for you to STOP...
When you felt that you had enough of me the fifth time when you spat on Me... laughed and walked away... 
Did that make you feel better...
Or when you held me down by a knife threatening you would kill me if I Told a single soul...
When you see the tears flowing down my face....

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all i really ever wanted was to be loved and appreciated
lord knows i get so low, so i get high and make myself elevated
every day and night i'm always high, yeah i just stay faded
i want a love and type of feel thats so fuckin real there ain't no way to fake it
i want a man who so badly wants to see my soul, and not just see me naked
all these dudes know how to do is use me, there's nothing ...

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I grew up in a world with msn,
When you would get harassed, by older men.
Begfriend with no life,
Cause he wants you to sleep with him tonight.
Fight all the things you ever thought,
Most these guys don't see their day in court.
Outruled by public judgment,
This is your last day, you make us disgusted.
You keep your heart in cement,
There's no way you can say it's consent.
How could you ...

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Suffocating under the rhythm of your heart beat

Like drowning beneath a sea of thumping marbles.

You are the ball pit, the sand pit, without end – falling!

But who can ever stand when they are - head – over – heels – for someone –

Yes!

And you pulled me in like a rip tide, a whirl wind, a sinking pool,

Wrapped me up like pig in blanket with your tangled hair

And the salt of it...

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And the troops go marching proudly by

as she wipes a tear from her weary eyes,

the one that she seeks, she will never again hold

for he died at his post; he was thirty years old.

The colours fly high on a cool autumn breeze

as man and boy march with well practiced ease,

so glad to be home after being so brave,

with flags overhead and not covering their graves.

She...

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Been there

Done it

Eaten it

Drunk it

Almost drowned in it

Nearly died

Praised it

Cursed it

Dodged it

Traversed it

Just you name it

I’ll have tried

Smoked it

Snorted it

Been traumatised by it

Reduced to tears by it

Laughed and cried

Run it

Walked it

Chased it

Caught it

Wished I hadn’t bothered s...

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