It reaches further than "please fuck me" or "don’t touch me"

It’s a liminal in-between 

A line we like to call blurry

But I never asked you to undress me

My body abandoned me

My words went slurry

Tongue too thick to go beyond a mumble

Kind sir escorted me to save me from stumble

Four times play on my mind

One of them I even forgot

Until it accosted me during a usual day’s slog

And stayed until it began to rot

Four counts I have, but to call what?

Each time I try to grasp a term, my mind goes blank

All my phrasing sounds too extreme

But nightmares assault my dreams

And claw words back

If I say it, if I write it, I am comforted, freed

I can tell that girl she lives in no delusion

But I (and nobody else) can say that to me

I become invisible when I look inward

Past self, seems like a ghost, a shell

Not worth clinging onto

Somehow, I turn mute when I try to share or connect

The words escape me when I try to go back there

I forget the most important details

And lose them to the past

I don’t carry it with me

But somehow, it lasts

A constant prop or feature

Carrying no value or use

It once felt dirty and desperate

Until it morphed into a noose

Now, I’ve lost clarity on all fronts

On all four counts, I am LOST

If I continue to ignore it

If I show no fear

If I continue to laugh and move on and on…

Will it disappear?

Sometimes, it does

I forget

Until it attacks my mind

Uninvited, unexpected 

Begging me to process this… thing

But it requires language to work through

Words said aloud

Where do I begin?

I don’t even know what to call you

I don’t want to call you anything