I still remember

Cold faces in my bedroom

Smiling women in the dark

Slicked hair, teeth sharp

I still remember

The man whose legs

Popped out from under my bed

And I screamed

Broad daylight was frightening

Heart speeding, head beating

The men who moved closer towards me

All I could do was freeze

I’d stare back

With sucked breath, shaking knees

Day afte...

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hey lord, 

you know, im trying

im failing

im spiraling

im lost

i dont know myself

but lord, 

im trying

im trying so fucking hard

is this enough, lord?

i am confused, lord

when will i be able to sleep?

please....

help me

save me from the sins of my mind

and when you do,

please let me rest

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I have an eclectic palette

But you’re the only taste that matters

I used to roll my eyes when they said

A lover can be your refuge 

I thought turbulence feeds my drive 

But here we are

And it’s everything to feel safe in your arms

No more flight or fight with shaking hands

And anxiety, an egg in my throat 

A sickness that spreads

It always gives back 

Feeding its...

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Every room I enter feels like a stage, and I’m the actor that forgets the lines 
The constriction gnawing in my throat as I feel the acid burn 
I see their faces alight with joy, reeling in echoes of my defeat 
I bat my eyes, look to the floor with crumbling hands, the nails bitten off 
If only I could peel away the skin of doubt and wear something lighter
Tear away the facade of perfection t...

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When we die,

We'll be forgotten,

But what can we say when

We're forgotten

While alive?

What am I to think

When I am invisible?

When I am cast aside?

When I am the problem?

Who is there to see me for me?

Does death then hold no meaning?

Is death even worth fearing?

Or is it rather embraced

As a means of escape

From those who

Don't care

At all?

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“Fruits of over-thoughtfulness”

Even to my best of friends,

I couldn't talk.

Because of the thought,

They might;

Walk,

While I sulk.

I rather stitch My mouth,

Than to disturb,

the only person, I want

To converse with.

I am not solo,

Have solitude got my 

Back, when tired;

As all my plans got,

 back-fired.

What if all my companions...

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"The laments of imagination”

Everytime and every-other time,

I duelled with my life on- line,

Against those “worst-case scenarios”;

I created for the better

 for mine.

We always gone,

Toe-to-toe,

Each other's best foe.

“nah, I will win and give it a run”,

I thought to myself.

While anxiety made me stun,

I got stung ,

And created a new river to run;

Wi...

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I'm laying on the operating table

The lights almost blinding me

As I wait for the anaesthetic to kick in

Waiting for the bliss of sleep

I realise... 

There was no anaesthetic

I begin to panic but my body stays still

As if I'm chained up to the table

As if my brain is denying control

I feel each cut the surgeon makes

I feel a warm liquid dripping down my...

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Swirling thoughts

causing chaos in my head

Leaving destruction in its path

Debris consisting of my past 

Left scattered

Left broken

My head filled with TV-like static

Never staying on one show

Never giving me the time 

To appreciate the little things 

The plots

The characters

Somehow something calmed the storm

Someone 

Even if it's for a bri...

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Here I am floating in the starry night

Filling my head with thoughts of delight

Flying through the atmosphere

In fear.

That I might go too far and reach the expanding abyss

Here I am floating in the starry night 

Drifting aimlessly through the black void

Without a tether... without a voice

In fear 

That I might drift back into earth's orbit and plummit to the core

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Reading through each page

Experiencing the characters emotions

Putting myself into the protagonist's shoes

Only to realise that I've left out the person who hurts the most

Paging through the book I start to realise

The "happy" friend has always been hurting the most

They have always supported the protagonist, but never themselves

Even though the protagonist is the superhe...

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I don’t want to be seen

I don’t want to be perceived

I wish I could go anywhere and be invisible.

People are everywhere

Eyes are everywhere

They’re all living their own lives but why do I feel as though mine is being watched?

As though they’re looking for a mistake in me

Is my hair messy?

Is my outfit mismatched?

Do I walk wei...

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i know you’re disappointed in me

we always scream for hours and fight

until i decide to go out on a walk by the big oak tree

even though i can barely see the sidewalk at night

im starting to think that i can’t see in general anymore

i look in the mirror and see someone new

it’s like i’ve never seen her before

i wonder if you feel that way about me too

my therapist...

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Monsters don’t exist they say, they aren’t under your bed
I realise now I’m older, it was all just in my head,
but them ones are the scariest, the monsters in your mind,
the ones that make your heartbeat race, the creatures you can’t find.
Only you can feel them there, it’s driving you insane.
your body shakes, your brain, it aches ,from fears that live within,
you cry inside, you’ve got to ...

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It must be cool to be in a band

Everyone says so

The adoration from the crowd

It shouldn't really be allowed

We're all idols in our own time

But some need more 

Time after time

While ever rotting at the core

Musicing is now a verb

But it always has been hasn't it?

Plucking, strumming and picking

It hardly warrants any thinking 

I find it an ever d...

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didn't wake up with the intention of being bad

I don't know why there's a pit in my stomach when no one is dead

run around my house and verbally beat up my dad

the screams sound bloodshed

he says, "there's so much you wanna do" 

and i obvert my eyes

wait around for a mental break-through

and make unachievable plans doing the highs

i wanna be a savior

and get th...

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stop throwing baseballs
for my neighbour's cat
his swing just isn't in it
and besides, I'm a little
worried for his fragility
he, being just porcelain

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Guilt Rebuked!

You liar!

A wretched bully’s sidekick

                    claiming nothing of your own.

You don’t even know when to agree

                                                 – just agree with everything, always.

And your answer is always the same.

Coward!

Whisper your poison and 

                         look away as if…

But I know it’s you;

I...

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Like poison ivy creeping through my brain
Strangling emotions, my words are maimed 
Shutting me down and keeping me in
Making me feel that the true me is a sin
Holding me back and won't let me out
Wanting to scream, wanting to shout
I will find a way to let the world see
I'm going to break free, I want to be me
So poison ivy your not in control 
I'll keep on fighting until my life feels w...

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Grief casts complex shadows
over the wilting body
You feel the fingers grasping
as sirens rise again
This fatalistic ritual
an energy made negative
and stomach knotted up
by such unhelpful thoughts

Pain rips at your sails
thunderous and wild
is it the body breaking down
a message poorly translated
The shrieking of absence
cuts deep into the gut
those hands twist and grip
the cycle...

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midnight disease :: a journey with hypergraphia

life arrived with a birthmark
burnt by the touch of a daemon shaped flame
  leading the artist down a lifelong maze
only guided by the scorching Promethean torch 
along the anointed namesake road
    which delves into & through shadows
to dwell in that ethereal realm
    vaporous as floating smoke from the cigarette tip
blown in a cloud be...

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left unperturbed

blind,

althought content

naïve to the stabbing

numbed only by the

warm trickle

promising painlessness

how am I left deaf

but subject to my own cries?

clawing, grasping

searching

for a ledge

a breath

but the stream ceases not

the currents of crimson

rising, smothering

insatiably convincing

they beckon me lovingl...

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I was once a dancing flame but I forgot how to dance so I mimicked others until one day... pft.

I am unable to see myself burning out untill I spit, clinging to the bitter end of the wick.

At first, I am a soldier, fighting because I know the end is coming.

At the end is a void. Nothing in it and nothing can fill it. Nothing matters.

DESPERATION. Pouring everything and anything into th...

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graspin at rat pills
 like cigarettes

all the while, the tide rises past my lips
and this damn lighter won't light anymore 
maybe its out of fluid 
right? 

maybe its just out of fluid
like this stone is just out of blood .

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During moments of purity
I find my chest tight
The familiar feel of panic
As I wonder how long it will last
Pressure building
Like an elephant 
Placing its foot upon my center
These moment of purity
Are not always happy
But sometimes they can be
When the raw feelings build up
Yet they don't come out
Almost trapped
Inside of the vault of my body
And I forgot the passcode
They scream ...

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am i hungry or has the pit returned.

that stupid fucking pit.

its an eternal loop, circling in and out of itself.

floating dead centre in my gut.

particles of another girl explode and expand out of it, 

overcome by this strange girl from the strange world.

i weep on my mothers lap, 

i retch over porcelin, patterned.

seeing my sister for the first time in weeks, 

she glow...

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When he’s tired

Freaked out

Anxious

My dog Tito steps into his crate, draped in green and gold fabric

To look less like a cage, or a prison.

He stretches, turns around in a perfect circle,

Sighing in comfort

In safety

A sigh of a protected soul,

Dozing off on a velvety black cushion that he himself chose

When he sat on it at the pet store.

A year ago, Ti...

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As this feeling
I feel in my chest
Eats away
My soul
And the emotions
it produces
Coalesce
I stop to wonder
When will it go
Away
Anxiety 
Is my best friend
My closest enemy
Anxiety
Is there
For me
And asks one million
Questions
Placing un-needed
Doubt
Within my mind
Anxiety
Questions
The intentions
Of those around
Me
Axiety
My friend
Please let me be
I do not
Need you
...

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Move on / Build a Better You

Time moves forward
It never turns back
So why do we spend so much time
Stuck living in the past
Mistakes are only natural
Issues and problems to resolve
Without mistakes, problems and issues
We never would evolve
So try and be more positive
There’s nothing left to lose
The world is at your feet
Just walk the path you choose
Hold your head up high
There’...

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Fighting a hundred battles, every damn single day
unable to help myself, with no one around who can aid.
Battling these invisible demons, but falling down each time
wondering how others can cope like this, or appear completely fine.
Twenty-Four years pass on and on, before they catch the cause
but it turns out that I'm not at fault, for all of my many flaws.
Today my struggles are validated,...

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I see where we're at now and look into the future.

I don't want to get to a point or THE point where we say things that come from anger. 

I don't want to see how bad it could get.

I don't want to see how nasty it could get.

I don't want to take the good and sweet things you say to me for granted, 

because I'm scared that maybe one day, ill screw up and make you say the things you've...

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You’re right

3 years ago, I viewed frogs as aliens

Now I wonder whether they’re angels

Months ago, I hated the sound of songbirds

Now I write their songs

I tweet along

Everything I did, I did do

It still was

Even if it no longer is

Whatever I am

I still am what I was

Even if I no longer am

You’re right

I was right and now I’m left

But the person I was hasn...

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I’ve been sitting on the precipice of this

For a while

Unsure how to express my feelings

When I don’t know what I feel

You see 

I’m hysterically nonreactive 

I’m worryingly unworried 

A switch 

From nothing to everything 

Because - like Whitman -

I contain multitudes

Many great thrashing waves

Like creatures 

They slip through nets

Can’t be caught 

They...

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When she folded into herself

You all looked away

When she unraveled

You all watched

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Maybe if people had learnt
to let me come and play,
I wouldn’t be sat here,
playing with the chemicals in my brain,
in overgrown grudges
and hand me down trauma,

a murder on the playground,
a dozen years in the making.

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I fear once again,
my bitten tongue has cast me out
amongst the swarm, as wasps
land on my lips:
a mistaken stagnant flower,
that does not flutter
in objection, to what strikes
fear & discomfort,
into my heart.

& thus, I lay here lifeless,
on the pollen grass,
a murder most foul,
committed,
by the silence of my despair.

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The postman came this morning,
the rattle of his letters falling through the door,
passing as my only real engagement with the world,
as I hollow out the envelope,
and scan the contents in eager anticipation,
hopeless in my pursuit, in this endless waiting game
for 10am’s rattle and clank,
to clutch in my purpling hands,
an eviction notice for the trepidations in my head.

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05.05.2020

I can feel you're scared. 
Anxiety a rubber band wound tightly around your heart 
Dread like nails pinning down your feet where you stand 
Despair, sitting in your stomach, churning evermore 

You carry sadness around on you 
It poisens your words 
Flattens your hair
Wrinkles your clothes 

The sad stench of it radiates through your pores 
And if I can take it away, 
If I...

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     Everything is going wrong.
     Or everything went so wrong
     I can't tell
     If it stopped and I didn't notice,
     And I can't tell
     The problem.

Everything is just nothing now.
Or everything was so much nothing,
I can't see
That there's any difference now,
And I can't see
Solutions.

               Everything is tumbling down,
               Or everything is built...

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the sun lay beating on my breast

warm rays of sunshine pierced my skin

but i do not dare let them in

my life is empty

i am cold

from all the stories in my head

the past it haunts me through the night

with fiery flames it burns me

the shadows from once where there was light

creep across my skin

sinking deeper and deeper within

i fight and scream but nothing gives

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The master behind my own downfall,

A slave to my eerie thoughts.

Wondering if I can break free and stand tall. 

The side they never talk about in sports. 

The minds weathered to achieve anything, 

But fear clouds my judgement. 

Disappointment builds up and the storm starts readying, 

Now caught up in the cyclone of my own cynical thinking.

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hurting, melting, head caving
my head so broke inside
trying to hold it together
but i feel so far from fine

suffocating, shaking, heart racing
my body responds in fear
trying to reason with myself
though it doesn't help it clear

aching, receding, soul's numbing
my mind is shutting off
trying to hold onto reality
but i feel so very lost

falling, stalling, chest pounding
my soul'...

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Got that Bob Marley “every little thing” playing in my head. 

Whilst thinking about all those whose belittled me, replaying what they said. 

My emotions wreaking havoc, and it’s starting to spread.

Infected with anxiety whilst living in this dread.

Feeling like the only cure is the liberation of being dead.

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Her universe was split into a mass of struggles and compressed emotions within an sunken space. 

The collisions of depression and anxiety grew stronger forming dark energy made up of misery; it’s high density crushed happiness quicker than the speed of light.

There were once stars in her eyes, shone brighter than any quasars, but it burned away creating the black hole in her being, leaving...

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You say I am a good person,
They say I am a bad one,
Forgetting that I am just a human being,
Just being what I am now.

Change is unstoppable, just like the flow of water,
People change, so does life,
Making sad almost all the time.
They say you are the one with wisdom,
I can only see you as the one with regret.

"Life is beautiful" as you state,
So why it becomes so hard living like ...

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I feel more and more like broken glass

as each day has gone pass.

I try to stay strong

while everything goes wrong.

I don’t wanna upset them,

they think that I am as beautiful as a gem.

Why can’t I see myself as they see me?

Why must I lack so much glee?

I need my friends to make me happy,

because without them I feel so sappy.

I hate that I must admit that I’m no...

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I don’t wanna be here

and that may be hard to hear.

I’m sorry for always letting you down

because when I do, it makes you frown.

It’s become second nature to fake a smile,

because being happy is the new style.

I hate it when we argue and fight.

I hate it so much, it makes me cry at night.

I think I’ve run out of tears

from crying all these years.

I cry in the car...

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It feels like the world has stopped in its usual tracks. Evidently deepening all existing cracks.

Prior acceptance to daily life is altered. Causing vibration to all that was taught to us. 

The new is the unknown and previous certainty a distant memory. 

A memory of which we fight and clutch tight too. A faded interpreted dream, our only prayed for virtue.

I feel a inhumane pres...

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Who Am I? And where do I belong?

Where do I go right? Where did I go wrong?

Was it real or fake love I was shown all along?

Am I really that mentally tough & strong?

If I fail, Will I momentairly freeze or stay froze?

Will I dig up a pile of dirt in my back yard & find a bunch of diamonds & gold?

Or am I to die a failure, lonely, & old?

This the type of mindset the old me was ...

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Seeing the shadow in vision
Getting feared of what the great poison
Hiding out back to the scratch
Tired of being what they're interpreted 
To be looked up in the sun
To be puked in deep water run
To be lost in relief distance
I was fight, 
But no lights were made
So where is is heading through wind? 
Passing it off to be betrayed and seen
That soak tree's been relied on
As this volt i...

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