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John Coopey

Updated: Sat, 8 May 2021 11:34 am

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J Coopey, Esquire, Dead Horse and Donkey Buyer. I started writing poetry about 8 years ago. At first my poems were simple rhymes of no literary merit. Since then I have got no better. I write mostly about the little things in life, leaving the more “worthy” stuff to loftier poet-y types. My meanderings take me across the varied subjects of my family, railways, love, football and history; indeed, the whole pan-something-or-other of my life so far. I am probably best known (besides Chapel Haddlesey I am also a big draw in Beal and Birkin) for my irreverent, often bawdy parodies of well-known songs, aiming left, right and centre across the spectrum of politics, life, the universe and everything. I am now retired, spending much of my time on shed-life, gardening, writing, and holidaying. It’s a tolerable lifestyle if you can stand it. Prior to this I spent over 20 years in the coal industry, a further 20 years as a management consultant and finally 3 years as Verger at Selby Abbey, all of which have funded (not in any financial sense, you understand) my poetry. It will surprise people to know that I have recently had published my first (and many hope last) pamphlet of poetry, complete with accompanying CD, entitled a little vaingloriously, “Proper Poems by John Coopey; The Finest Poet from Chapel Haddlesey Ever to Draw Breath”.


Ikea I just don’t know what to do with my shelf I just don’t know what to do with my shelf It’s a bargain I bought from Ikea in town Now the bugger’s fallen down I used 2 inch screws I just don’t know what to do. I just don’t know what to do with my drawers They’re made in pine so they matched with my doors Though instructions came in the flat-pack all of these Were mostly printed in Chinese I just sniffed the glue. I just don’t know what to do. But I stuck my nose To the window pane Now I can’t go back to Ikea To complain. I just don’t know what to do with my stool Why did I buy it? I feel such a fool It was missing dowels and it was missing pegs This one’s only got two legs The seat’s missing too I just don’t know what to do. But as timber goes It was pretty good And for sure it makes for Cracking firewood. I just don’t know what to do with my bed “Just fill with water” the salesman had said But the bloody thing has turned out such a dud One fag burn’s caused the house to flood Insurance? No fear! I shan’t go back to Ikea. Tom Pudding Marbella's the spot for mooring your yacht To ostentatiously show what you've got But a sight more evocative ploughing the foam Much nearer the heart and closer to home Was never a craft you'd look good in I refer to the Ponty Tom Pudding. A cross between a barge and a train With a tug at the bow taking the strain Everyday making 2 or 3 runs Every trip hauling 800 tons Of limestone or coal or with wood in It's Goole not Cannes for Tom Pudding. The roads might be blocked or the trains were on strike But Tom would chug on just as slow as you like Never no more than 3 miles an hour Ensuring continued electrical power Unhindered even by flooding Earning its corn was Tom Pudding. Along the canal to Ferrybridge “C” To generate your electricity Or onwards to Goole to ship overseas For developing nations industries Or start their economies budding, Pump-primed by Ponty Tom Puddings. Manning the rig would be Skipper and me From 14 years old to age 23 The pay was appalling, conditions as bad The best job of work that I'd ever had Despite the muck you were stood in Fighting a snake in Tom Puddings. Dust up your nostrils, your ears, in your nails Grafting in rain and in frost and in hail And Skipper made sure they were clean 'fore a load I'd be shovelling out muck as even it snowed They'd have slurry and sludge and with mud in I've cursed them Bastard Tom Puddings. But sad to relate their days are long past The Aire and Calder has witnessed their last Consigned to mem'ry and history since The closures of Fryston and old Ponty Prince Two pits my brothers sweat blood in So Farewell to the Ponty Tom Pudding.

All poems are copyright of the originating author. Permission must be obtained before using or performing others' poems.

Audio entries by John Coopey

EXTRA-TIME BLUES (02/03/2024)

"3d BACK ON THE BOTTLE" (28/02/2024)


CARAMAC ! (22/02/2024)


ODE TO ROY (15/02/2024)

CREAKING GATE (11/02/2024)

BLACK SHEEP (05/02/2024)


YER BAY LEAF (28/01/2024)

More audio from John Coopey…

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Thu 28th Dec 2023 13:50

Thanks for visiting my page👍

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David Cooke

Wed 8th Nov 2023 12:23

HI John Thanks for commenting on my Joni poem.

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M.C. Newberry

Thu 26th Oct 2023 19:21

Hi JC - your comment about the audio for "You Smiled" had me
go back and try harder. Result ; a successful job done, with
audio now added. Cheers. MC

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Lee Campbell

Sat 23rd Sep 2023 13:01

hi John - thank you for your comments about my Chariots poem. I hope you can see/watch/listen to the extended (and downright raunchy) version 'Spokesfist here:

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Greg Freeman

Tue 8th Feb 2022 09:52

Morning, John,

You may have quite rightly forgotten all about this, but your poem has finally been posted on the Mid-Hants Railway site! Scroll down and you'll find it. Thanks for contributing. Greg


Fri 17th Dec 2021 14:28

I was one of
those riders!



Sun 31st Oct 2021 11:23

you're also good at


Thu 28th Oct 2021 02:26

Socialize more?
I am anti-Socialist!

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jennifer Malden

Mon 26th Jul 2021 11:21

Hello John, Interesting to hear about the verger's job. Agree absolutely about remembering ALL who fought with us in the war. I was quite moved to see how many there were from the Indian subcontinent, and then went off to see a friend. A book was open on the table with 'Namasthe', an Indian/Nepalese greeting, written in Italics on the page, and I can't believe it was a coinicidence! The ways of the Gods are infinite'.
Thanks for the comment on The War Cemetery., Jennifer


Tue 20th Jul 2021 12:40

Thanks for the compliment
it's easily
far better than something


Thu 24th Jun 2021 00:09

Ole Gert may tell you where stuff goes but also...
Where you can put it!

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Rasa Kabaila

Sat 22nd May 2021 06:18

John! Your poem 'Ikea' made me laugh our loud and I'm still smiling after reading it! Gosh we can all relate to that poem in our domestic lives. Thank you for this. ?


Tue 11th May 2021 20:32

Thanks for explaining that John Coopey.
I will start going there
as opposed to
the Bath Room.



Tue 11th May 2021 04:18

Dunny? what is a Dunny?
I'm from Texas so you have to explain.

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Your Royal Poetess

Mon 8th Mar 2021 21:19

Thank you for your comment, I enjoyed reading your poems?


Thu 11th Feb 2021 13:55

You can't go down
to Ikea again
it's all to no avail,
for even if
you could return
your ship"s already sailed!


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M.C. Newberry

Sat 27th Jun 2020 18:57

Hi JC - as a matter of interest, in the YouTube video of Jolson singing
"Toot, toot, Tootsie", he does not wear "black face". He was a real
powerhouse of an entertainer and it's easy to see how the songs
he chose made him so popular from the 20s onwards. A footnote:
The song "Sonny Boy" was apparently written as a joke by its
writers when Jolson pressed them for material. He loved it! And
made it one of his biggest-ever hits among many.


Wed 10th Jun 2020 04:17

John Coopey tries to take wing and fly from wooden steps.
He was airborne for 20 seconds before he fell into Mrs. Borden's
carrot patch. Unortunately, he survived.

(just kidding, just kidding.)


Wed 10th Jun 2020 04:12

I wear a helmet and
a bullet-proof vest
at all times.

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M.C. Newberry

Fri 5th Jun 2020 14:44

Hi JC - in your blog "Hideaway", you refer to "George Lloyd" when
you meant "George Floyd". I actually knew the real George Lloyd -a
disgracefully neglected British composer who lived near me in the
years prior to his death.

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M.C. Newberry

Mon 11th May 2020 14:27

Hi JC - a PS about Victor Goddard.
He experienced possibly the most famous "slip through time" ever recorded in history when in 1936 he flew over the near-derelict site
of Drem Airfield in Scotland in a heavy storm. He suddenly saw in bright sunlight a meticulously accurate vision of its airfield as it was
to be four or five years later, with the yellow monoplanes which
had not yet been invented being wheeled out by mechanics in the
brown overalls which had not yet been adopted.
In 1937 he contributed a major counter espionage coup when a
visiting delegation of German dignitaries came to Britain to seek
an alliance at the urging of the pro-German Brown House Group.
The idea was that with Britain's control of the seas and its
colonial resources, and Germany's envisaged control of Europe
(nothing new under the sun, is there??), together the two countries could rule the world. Pretending to be pro-Nazi, Goddard fed the
visiting WW1 flying ace Udet with disinformation, convincing the latter who had been entrusted with the technical plans for the new Luftwaffe that Germany should not build four-engined bombers.
Udet swallowed this but committed suicide when he realised he
had been fooled and that Britain had achieved a "bomber edge"
by building the very four-engined bomber that he Udet had been persuaded to abandon.
There are other examples of this man's amazing active life but
this is a good example ot be going on with. You are certainly on
the button about him being a man who helped save Britain.


Wed 6th May 2020 13:23

John - Bands in the Mall - maybe one day eh? Thanks. P

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Thu 24th Oct 2019 19:24

Thanks for the comment John on Love Me, wrote while in hospital after a hip operation


Tue 24th Sep 2019 17:37

Your fancy title stunned
yet we accepted it in fun
in fear of looking dumb
"Custodian" it becomes.


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John Coopey

Wed 18th Sep 2019 23:07

I suppose I was feeling a bit spikey at the time I wrote that comment, Ray. I’d just had another poem removed; puzzlingly, it was from 2017! Not a re-post, you understand, but the original. It kind of implied that it was Not offensive in 2017 but is now! Odd.

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Wed 18th Sep 2019 19:48

Hi John. I didn't want to get bogged down on the discussion board when it seems to functioning quite well without my further intervention. But I did enjoy your heavily loaded references to "offensive" literary material, and thought it was not only relevant but entertaining in its take on the moderation process, which I have noticed in the past has been levelled against you. But I'm pleased to say you don't lie down!

regards, Ray

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John Coopey

Mon 16th Sep 2019 22:05

Just seen this, MC. (We’re on hols in Devon). Thanks for letting me know. I checked back to see I got an ultimatum to amend it or it would be deleted. I don’t know what the offending wording was. Because it’s deleted (ha ha).
Hey ho.

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M.C. Newberry

Mon 2nd Sep 2019 23:09

Hi JC - my email told me there were two comments today-02/09/19- on your old blog "Old, Racist and Thick". When I logged on to read them, I discovered that your entry of that title had been removed and
that only GS's comment was visible to read. No attribution to the
moderator involved and the time lapse between posting your blog
and the two comments referred to only serves to beg the question
why now?


Sat 31st Aug 2019 09:12

Apparently Adolph visited the UK at one time pre-war. Sod he was his Luftwaffe planes bombed houses in our street. I was under the stairs with Mum - I didn't have a clue what was going on but Mum was having sniffy words with someone called God. The body never forgets these events - I still startle at the sound of a car back firing or the like. P. ?

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Don Matthews

Sun 21st Jul 2019 10:14

John I can't believe
The record people haven't
Signed you with a contract
With such fantastic talent

Tra la la la la la la la la

(I would sound like a wounded dingo....? )

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