This poem tries to capture the pain of watching a friend succumb to addiction, bound to a destructive habit that erodes both health and hope. As one friend struggles with the limits of friendship and "agape", the other slips further and further away, lost in a cycle that breaks promises and bodies alike. This poem hopefully serves as both plea and ultimatum—a haunting look at the cost of holding o...

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Cut me open, bleed me dry 

A knife not a tool, a liberator

There is the forgiving woman with sorrow

Deep in those eyes, to a place 

I am oh so unfamiliar with

There are places you know, you see

It is the dark holding our sparks 

A flock of deft touches and harmony

Yet the pulse of the thunder rolls over

Sparks scattered, hidden or gone 

You will never, never...

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I cry for all those overcome

The ones trapped, trapped 

Draining souls lost in heat 

Etching sins into the glass

Break free I beg of thee

Screams thunder the grey

All this storm, all this fear 

Release the hell you hold dear

Do not twirl and twist among it

Go take my hand - leap

Don’t fall to his name - rise

Your light of her and all her’s

Come to the promised k...

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I was ready made for grief.

to live an ode to a common thing,
     this elegy to peace.

and on the days that I feel nothing,
     I torment the stillness behind my eyes
because feeling is proof of living.
and I so badly want to be alive.
     to dig deep in the scar garden,
     to excavate my hollow pit,
     to sow a lifetime of memories
     of being just out of reach.

it is my...

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Give us all your money,

Then go and find some more;

Try borrowing from loan sharks

To maximise your score.

Steal it from the corner shop

Or from your parents’ stash;

With every tempting wager,

We’ll part you from your cash.

Your chances of a pay-out

Are vanishingly thin;

You might as well take out your wad

And chuck it in the bin.

Your bank accoun...

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I hate how I feel

although common it seems,

having been once again

what I swore I’d not be.

Yes, despite all the talks

that I’ve had with myself,

making promises to

put the past on the shelf.

Asking Heaven to help me

and forming a plan,

putting forth my best effort

to do all I can.

But so quickly it seems

to unravel and fray,

as I lea...

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Running out of time to act,

flashes in the mind.

Running out of everything,

too late to hit rewind.

Wake and take a hammer to it,

crush it to the bone.

Pulverize what’s left of it,

make sure all life is gone.

Disregard the letters

in the alphabet arranged,

set to spell the answers out

cuz no one wants the plain.

Go on, drink the poison down.

Ta...

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Always searching for the next good time

and what the world can bring.

Always looking for the next big deal

and what it’s offering.

Never thinking very far ahead

or worrying about the cost.

Never wanting much to understand

or caring what gets lost.

Always thinking I don’t need to change,

believing that I’m fine.

Always doing what I want to do

and taking ...

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Once crashed the waves in tempest’s storm,

and blew the wind as sails were torn.

Once drove the rain against frozen skin

as darkness took the vessel in.

Once void of any hope at all,

trapped deep inside the prison’s wall,

beneath the crushing weight of lead

but faintest light shown from ahead.

Then in a moment, skies were clear

and ocean’s calm dispelled the fe...

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The state of the worse. The state of the damned.

Is this the sad state where I find that I am?

The evil inside me who long dwelt therein,

I’d given him home for he felt like a friend.

But then cast I did he out of necessity

to walk in dry places, where rest he did seek.

And while he did roam, I set forth alone

acting quickly to sweep and to garnish my home.

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I'm not a soldier but I'm at war

Clean and sober year number four 

Battles with temptation 

Past friends and relations 

Conflict miscommunication 

I get tired of waiting I'm tryna be patient 

Testing my patience 

What's expected of me isn't me 

No point trying to change me you see 

That change must only come from me 

People are not what they seem 

Reality looks dif...

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Each time before when I had fallen, landing in the pit below,

I found upon the ground were words that I could gather up to build

a latticework of scaffolding to climb upon so I could go

back to the surface with the crowd, but every time I found that still

I’d stay close to the ledge not knowing why I didn’t walk away.

I told myself it wasn’t wise. I asked, “why don’t you ever l...

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Curled up in the corner

in dead of the night.

Afraid of darkness

and praying for light.

Eyes peer from the ceiling.

Hands reach from the floor.

Hearts beat from the walls

and he stands at the door.

No chemical shields me.

No masquerade hides.

The sweat of my body,

the fear in my eyes.

He’s pounding and pounding

and growing in strength.

He’s ...

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The feeling

haunts me

time and time again.

I feel it as it’s coming

like a scent upon the wind.

Like wind across the predator

wafts out to warn the prey.

So likewise all I know and feel

screams, “turn and run away!”

But something deep inside me

in a way I can’t explain,

finds pleasure in the desecration,

need inside the pain.

So, mind and heart...

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the see-thru states

of liminal infamy

"don't let me down" 

sung in desperate drams

beacons prain

from a street corner

affixed and shorn and 

bare-truthed,

snaggle toothed:

cleft palates and anaphylaxis 

sanded down by time

into a shape something 

much like mine

(too much)

please see me

but don't look;

a shared hypocrisy 

wrung motes of p...

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graspin at rat pills
 like cigarettes

all the while, the tide rises past my lips
and this damn lighter won't light anymore 
maybe its out of fluid 
right? 

maybe its just out of fluid
like this stone is just out of blood .

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The Bottle

Sometimes it's easy to take comfort from a bottle

Trying to numb or dull the anxiety

A swill of sweet oakey booze to dissolve those feelings one would rather ignore

But eventually, given enough time, and enough drink

One starts to notice that bottle isn't your friend 

It doesn't work

It doesn't numb anything

In fact, most of the time, it boils and churns up and c...

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We know it will kill us,

But we do it anyway.

Huddled together,

Like this.

In this place of ill repute.

The townsfolk think poorly of us.

But I am sure

Someone in here,

Has read Rimbaud.

Written poetry,

Dreamt of Dante.

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I’ve seen miracles happen before my eyes,

witnessed empty souls become human again.

More than human, I’ve seen them struggle

and fight against an invisible,

yet all-consuming, foe. One who is

dark, deceptive, relentless and cruel.

I’ve watched them grow with a determination,

grace and humility unknown to the masses.

They have found new depths of consciousness

and un...

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31.08.21

I was waging war on my body before it had even fully grown 
No respect for the temple that houses my soul 
With cuts, and drugs and other people's limbs
I have shown her little she is respected 
And expected her to carry on as though she were

Countless sleepless nights and 'just one more drink' 
And I have pushed her to her limit 
She's crying out for acknowledgement
No more ...

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June 2020

Deep unquenchable thirst
that permeates my teeth,
And tickles like a feather
grazing a phantom limb.
Scatches like a itch
in a place you can't reach
Claws at your willpower
and begs
for just 
one
more

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Come close if you must, 

to my heart of rust. 

Taste my sorrows

of ash and honey,

beneath the illusion 

of love and money. 

After the show, 

your life’s a mess, 

you’ll fall in line 

with the rest.

. . .

It’s not too late, 

to change your fate.

Turn away from a life 

of heartbreak.

What you seek 

is found within,

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Dark side Drug ride

Natural pain now overrides all illegal chems submitted. I’m now confident with this habit I’ve admitted. 

If writing makes me feel good I should do it, if singing means so much why aim so hard to lose this touch

Lyrics in music become more relatable, you become what you hear. You surrender your soul and let go of established fear.

Where is the fi...

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One last blow out. 

One last crucial hit.

A delightful dream which is

way out of the desired grip.

Every repetition of this addictive action

Every summon to this predicted slip.

Each time over and over again

Causes our precious belief to slowly rip.

The belief is to quit and seek much further beyond.

The truth that we desire of which we have oh so longed.

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i invite you in my life to feel something again

to turn my numbness into happiness;

you are my happiness 

you make me my happiest

no one loves me as much as you do.

day in and day out i consume your love and affection.

soaking up every last bit. the feeling of feeling something for someone again excites my soul.

feeling anything is so hard these days.

but then i a...

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A pale face, dark eyes, an uneasy smile,

Surrounded by a mass of tangly black curls,

She sat in that circle

Unengaged, aloof, disruptive,

There for everyone else’s sake

But her own.

Trapped in a world by demons who

Would let her see another way

But kept her from it because

It wouldn’t serve their obsessive needs.

Within screaming distance but held behind thick glass,

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Curfew

Leave the light on – lock the door

This ritual plays out each Friday

A barrier to the debauched reveller

Who slips behind the clock returning home

A curfew for the beer vampire

Who will only find a soothing bed

If father specifically invites him in

After knocking twice and shouting through the letterbox

This ancient tribal face off

Between uprigh...

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Hurdling moral barriers, 

past caution flags of life,

towards red lights,

to feel alive,

something, anything. 

Excitement rising 

in your second brain,

adrenaline coursing

through collapsed veins, 

primal howl, 

lost in the now,

while consequences growl,

like a tornado.

https://youtu.be/NdYWuo9OFAw

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Broken in tiny pieces
Shattered metaphorical and literally shattered
My soul feels bruised and battered
Years of lost trust finally found over almost a year
Gained in time but lost again through fear
Warned stay clear
All things toxic drugs and beer
Disappointment unspoken but visual
Her eyes are sad she looks miserable
She blames her self they all do
The handful of people who got me thr...

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living it like its large but life its so small

sadly it catches up with you and when you dont expect it you fall

you keep up with the trapping, feds come to your door

but theyre done with the shit and youre thrown on the floor

handcuffs are on and youre sent back away

the doctors give you the medicine that keeps the insanity at bay

back and forth for years, everyone is tired

b...

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defeated as it seems

cant resist tempation; the devils wicked schemes

all the hard work straight down the dump

cant let anyone find out i crashed over a bump

a little nervous but i dont seem to care

ive lied to so many people, including myself, i know its not fair

not a single moral thought running through my head

this might be the time i overdose and remain dead

i cant dec...

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agile mind dimmed by the drugs

they say shes a dopewhore; she fucks all the plugs

no one to care for her, shes losing her mind

but deep down inside theres a loving soul you'll find

scared of her shadow shes been badly abused

covered in makeup so you cant see that shes bruised

turned to the gang because it was the only thing left

but it wasnt what it seemed full of lies and ful...

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the pain gets too overwhelming

i find myself sitting alone dwelling 

on the past life that led me to drugs

i sit wondering where i went wrong, lost all my friends; im an outcast, i dont belong

and i dont understand why god kept me living

what does all he suffering bring but an eternal hell thatg suffocates me

losing all efforts, it feels like i cant breathe

and the battle goes...

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dangerous minded

cant forget all the things that happened, im constantly reminded

tramatizing pictures in my head

the doctors got worried so they put me on some meds

because i couldnt deal with my mental

derailing and my thoughts became detramental

i couldnt handle my life anymore

couldnt stop the impulses before...

it was too late, theres drugs involved, using them i thoug...

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shes desperate for a fix

anything for the drugs so that includes taking dangerous risks

calling up every drug dealer she knows, to see if theyd give her something in exchange for taking off her clothes

didnt matter what they gave her, so long as she was high and the night was a blur

every couple hours a new man was involved

when she was caught one night her family was appauled

a ...

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followed the wrong path, struch down by society

tried to make music but couldnt get the propriety

had the struggles, went through it involuntary

to give my heart to anyone now i am very wary

if you see me smile - im not happy - its rarely

it was my choices that led me here if i put it fairly

no anyone to hold me as i push myself through

not even a father to see how ive grew

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like a regenerating grande

blowing up when my wires are frayed

the time ticks down before my explosion

each timethe flames show my past of corrosion

everything around me is blown away

taking ahold of saint things as prey

"save yourself and leave"

they say ill never change so dont beleive my pleads

so i sit alone in the tragedy of war

my everything in pieces, my heart on ...

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i bet you didnt expect to be doing drugs

i bet you didnt expect to give your sister one last hug

it wasnt expected that youd die and come back

and it wasnt foretold that on your face youd fall flat

nothing was planned to downfall, nor did you think that people would break down your walls

but it happened, your innocence was taken

and your faith in god was shaken because your actio...

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what is it without actually being happy

i put together the most real pieces but it doesnt change my feelings even when theyre clapping

im really just sad but i hide it with anger

my life has never been safe, always putting myself in danger

trying to find salvation, maybe i can save myself

maybe help my momma, get my family in good health

im just tryna stay strong and change my ch...

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no place to run when i needed to go

no one to call when i didnt have a home

people didnt come near me; fear of the unknown

wondered why there was no love

why it was so hard, was i treated so rough

the serpent came to me, gave me the forbidden

with my pain i took it like eve, it changed how i was living

kept trying to make it though, grew up fast life as a kid i never knew

i...

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never had a dad had to grow up fast, couldnt get over it so i live in the past

lonely and troubled i felt all alone, with little happiness, depression was shown

i fell into violence, drugs were upcoming, nothing felt better than the way that they were numbing

into trouble is what i always got, in and out of facilities, the recovery i fought

four years and my memory is grey, im always j...

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the devil sat on my shoulder today and asked me why I changed, why I acted this way. Honestly, I replied, Im tired of the anger. Looking back at the withdrawn girl, shes a stranger. Im deserving of a willing personality, instead of wallowing in my own self-pity. She asked me dont you miss the lust, disagreeing id rather involve myself in a way of trust. Greedy the serpent showed disrespect. With m...

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I long to choose at my descretion

share my stories and teach lessons

to drive my car freely around

and to be scholarly, medical bound

loving myself and attending to my needs

servicing others and doing good deeds

how I dream of all the goals ill achieve

and all of the praise and good fortune ill recieve

from despair to hope I look for the future

taking back and repairing ...

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One life is swell, 

the other is a living hell. 

Trying to bridge the great divide, 

but the chasm is too wide. 

Chasing light where darkness resides. 

A grey goose gouges my eyes, 

pecks my mind. 

Naked. Nowhere to hide. 

Cowering to the joker inside. 

Praying God sends his army

to help me make the climb,

out of the abyss to my sober life. 

https://youtu.be/NG2...

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Taking to the ocean
distance put between
my flippant will
and things to conquer
heart beasts
tugging at my sleeve

Turning, turning, turning
from that incessant chasing
the bay recedes, city lights 
swallowed by the horizon
heart beasts
circling overhead

Test me, am I strong enough?
I try not to be broken
daily trials so choking
can I survive them?

At night, rocking in the wav...

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My bed is still warm

When the next body rolls in

But I'm not

I'm numb

Until,

Your body

- Or his -

- Or hers -

Envelopes mine

And I can breathe

Because

I am consumed

I am part of you,

Of someone that lives

That moves

That loves

I am

I was

I will be

Because I'm not apart

Just a part

Of something

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A huge pleasure of mine is to shop,

Though I sometimes find it hard to stop.

It brings me comfort so I cannot wait,

But it may put me into such a state.

I especially love to shop online,

To see what things could soon be mine.

There are many choices. It is so vast,

And they like to take our money fast.

Whether it be a DVD, a game or book

At my bank balance I dar...

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He fools everyone
and I fool myself
in my secret life.
 
Makeup hides the bruises
in my secret life.

Distractions abound  
in my secret life.

I smile, laugh, cry, drink 
the pain away
in my secret life.

Food fills the gaps of despair
in my secret life.

I pray for salvation
in my secret life.

Hope for a better tommorow remains 
in my secret life. 

# # #

https://youtu...

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Poetry is my 
drug of choice,

calming rain, 
rays of sunshine. 

an antidote 
to suffering,

waltzing words
on lonely nights,

my lost lover 
whispering
in my ear,

release, 
of fear,

wind beneath
birds in flight,

illuminating 
light,

immortality...

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there's no one here but me, bottles all around, the music's faded it's a melancholy sound

party streamers on the floor, the room drenched in drugs and sadness

it's hazy and in reality, you aren't glad this...

EVER happened

at first, it all seemed fun and you were happy at the time

now they're disappointed, now you want more, now you're back down the mountain you took so long to clim...

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