Love Not Fully Understood

God, I know you’re good.

You’re gentle and you’re kind. 

You quiet the restless heart,

With words it cannot find.

 

You tether the most wayward souls,

Drawn away by the slightest breeze.

You answer the most daring questions,

With sovereignty and ease.

 

All you do is good,

It’s the only way you know how to be.

How else could the Lion

Befriend a sheep like me?

 

I trust that you are for me,

That with you I prevail,

But to stand empty of all doubts

Is nothing more than a sinner’s veil. 

 

For as much as the peace you’ve given

Is the fear I hold within.

Though this time not of your absence

Or even a return to sin.

 

I do not fear that you will leave me,

Nor, by your grace, that I’ll leave you.

But still I am afraid,

And these fears will not pass through.

 

I’m overwhelmed with guilt

That I even feel this way at all,

Yet, the harder I try to fight it,

The harder it seems I fall.

 

I don’t want to run from this,

Yet, I’m not wise enough to face.

God, please have mercy on me. 

Have mercy and have grace.

 

I have suffered at the hands of men.

I’ve known pain and deep despair,

Even though I begged, you did not save me,

yet somehow, I believe you care.

 

For you to love me so much

And still not take hold of my desperate hand,

Is a truth that levels my heart

And one I’ll never fully understand.

 

Yet, if suffering is the road you travel,

Then I may suffer still;

If suffering is a mercy

That leads me closer to your will.

 

So, what can man do to me?

Many things I fear.

So many things already done,

So cruel and so severe.

 

You allowed men with ill intentions

To steal my innocence and my soul.

Yet, you are still sovereign,

yet,  you’re in control.

 

And the night was once the place

Where I met a love I didn’t understand,

Yet still every night

In my heart, I walk stairs of sand.

 

Though I try, I get nowhere,

And my suffering you won’t undo.

So I fear. Oh, how I fear,

It’s something I must again go through. 

 

It wouldn’t dim your kindness.

It wouldn’t change your grace.

But to travel that road again

Is far too frightening a place.

 

I try to close my eyes at night,

But one remains open toward the door.

What grace will I receive tonight?

The one I fear or the one I adore?

 

And I have to ask this question,

What if you allow it to happen to me again? 

I’ve found that your goodness is not absent

In the presence of another’s’ sin.

 

Yet, I’ve also found you do not always act,

Many times I'm left with less,

And that is why I fear your love

may not cover my distress.

 

For If you love me in this moment,

and you loved me as those men made me unclean,

Then how can I rest at night,

Not knowing if you’ll intervene?

 

I don’t wish to deny the path of suffering

Or disregard all the ways you suffered too.

I’m not looking for an easy life

Or nothing painful to go through.

 

I’m not talking about just anything

Not just anything at all,

But men who used my body,

Though it was weak and it was small.

 

God, it hurt me deeply,

Even more that you let it be.

And so at times I fear, oh, how I fear

What more you’ll let men do to me. 

 

 

 

GriefLossTraumaFaith

◄ My Bleeding Mother

Unrequited Belief ►

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