recovery (Remove filter)
Song of agony
I cry for all those overcome
The ones trapped, trapped
Draining souls lost in heat
Etching sins into the glass
Break free I beg of thee
Screams thunder the grey
All this storm, all this fear
Release the hell you hold dear
Do not twirl and twist among it
Go take my hand - leap
Don’t fall to his name - rise
Your light of her and all her’s
Come to the promised k...
Sunday 18th August 2024 11:25 am
Mark and Sara
Masculine war like from Mars it seems
Fighting only injustices
Mark wants all to live their dreams
His named princess shines
Only the heartfelt suffer
With struggle comes prayer
Sam he is part of her
God heard..God knew her heart needed mending
Sam is the answer then Mark to complete
Fertile daughter She blooms alongside her father
Now she is a mother
A...
Thursday 4th April 2024 3:13 pm
The Smallest Of Triggers
I hate how I feel
although common it seems,
having been once again
what I swore I’d not be.
Yes, despite all the talks
that I’ve had with myself,
making promises to
put the past on the shelf.
Asking Heaven to help me
and forming a plan,
putting forth my best effort
to do all I can.
But so quickly it seems
to unravel and fray,
as I lea...
Saturday 30th March 2024 9:24 pm
Dry relapse with no high(through the eyes of another)
I'm not a soldier but I'm at war
Clean and sober year number four
Battles with temptation
Past friends and relations
Conflict miscommunication
I get tired of waiting I'm tryna be patient
Testing my patience
What's expected of me isn't me
No point trying to change me you see
That change must only come from me
People are not what they seem
Reality looks dif...
Monday 4th March 2024 12:32 am
At The Ledge
Each time before when I had fallen, landing in the pit below,
I found upon the ground were words that I could gather up to build
a latticework of scaffolding to climb upon so I could go
back to the surface with the crowd, but every time I found that still
I’d stay close to the ledge not knowing why I didn’t walk away.
I told myself it wasn’t wise. I asked, “why don’t you ever l...
Wednesday 21st February 2024 2:55 am
robotic trails
the same songs, the same breakfast and the same people
over and over and over and
replace me with a bug, a computer
fill up my mug with something truer
transform me from this hollowed shell
who knows painful repetition all too well
i used to be so smart
now my bleak life craves the abstract art
which once gave it colour
and a nihilist, my hopeful...
Monday 15th May 2023 7:10 am
The Eagle Woman
The Eagle Woman is made of shale
layers of life loam, which weigh her down
She is subsumed by ten white men who have killed every ounce of her outward nature.
Men like granite who glance her way
Not seeing the feathers pearlescent, buried, fused with the debris of past bullies.
Though she rises up to the thermals with wings that only God himself can capitulate.
Saturday 14th January 2023 2:29 pm
The Bottle
The Bottle
Sometimes it's easy to take comfort from a bottle
Trying to numb or dull the anxiety
A swill of sweet oakey booze to dissolve those feelings one would rather ignore
But eventually, given enough time, and enough drink
One starts to notice that bottle isn't your friend
It doesn't work
It doesn't numb anything
In fact, most of the time, it boils and churns up and c...
Thursday 3rd November 2022 7:12 pm
I've Seen Miracles
I’ve seen miracles happen before my eyes,
witnessed empty souls become human again.
More than human, I’ve seen them struggle
and fight against an invisible,
yet all-consuming, foe. One who is
dark, deceptive, relentless and cruel.
I’ve watched them grow with a determination,
grace and humility unknown to the masses.
They have found new depths of consciousness
and un...
Thursday 30th September 2021 10:37 pm
OUR NEW NORMAL
OUR NEW NORMAL Life during a pandemic. Already change is challenging for most. If we had a choice or I should rather say, control things would remain the same, people's thinking would never evolve, but we don't have control over anything. Change is inevitable; it is an integral part of being human. Going about our lives blissfully oblivious believing that we are the captains of our destinies, then...
Monday 30th August 2021 12:30 pm
A Passing Thought
Where now you keep your things
Shall all be empty.
Where cleared for you, a space,
Shall be an eerie gap
In all our lives, when you move on.
The essence of your favourite spray
Shall linger, strong;
A poignant reminder of where you used to sleep.
The sadness and the gladness are as one;
Knowing that you'll leave here to be free.
And so it is with all the memories;
Each individual, t...
Monday 7th June 2021 11:29 am
No Reason To Sigh
And so what if I'm empty inside!
Happiness still has a place here
There's certainly plenty of space here
for Joy to reside
That's what, if I'm empty inside.
And so what if I've nothing to lose!
With little worth keeping
There's more time for sleeping
Or whatever I choose
That's what if I've nothing to lose.
And so what if I've nothing to gain!
That's hardly an onus
Seems more like ...
Friday 19th February 2021 2:48 am
Down But Not Out
I have rebuilt myself before
Because life often pulls me down.
I get gradually unhinged
I end up scattered on the ground.
I have rebuilt myself before
Well enough to carry on
Only to find
Never firm against everything.
Never resilient as I'd need,
But life has taught me many things,
So rather than be afraid
That this world might leave me battered,
Or this world might leave me...
Monday 8th February 2021 1:27 am
Careless Breeze
I stood beneath a whispering tree
Upon a windy day
Singing into the careless breeze
My cares they blew away.
Then finally I clearly heard
What nature did avow
And I could see the sun at last
Beyond the leafy boughs.
Yes, finally I clearly hear
What nature does avow
And I can see the sun at last
Beyond the leafy boughs.
Wednesday 13th January 2021 11:33 am
Tips for a clean breakup
First, fumigate
Your cell walls fresh-free
of their love.
Second.
Odious
poison barbed
bitter nothings
must be dumbly plucked from each pink pore,
thrown to landfill,
labelled 'Hazardous biowaste, may cause hideous burns'.
Third, make re-chaste your newly bleach-scoured bone and blotted clean flesh
with a sore blessing of Domestos and clov...
Saturday 9th January 2021 2:05 pm
I Am A Phoenix (Welcome The Phoenix)
I've been burned
And risen again
Proud of my new coat
Of feathers
I've been burned again
And risen
Proud of my new coat of feathers
And unafraid of fire.
Wednesday 6th January 2021 1:50 am
I Am From Experience Into Expertise
I am from prose into poetry
I am from madness into sanity
I am from doubt into belief
I am from anguish into ecstasy
I am from isolation into company
I am from hatred into peace
I am from discord into harmony
I am from solo into symphony
I am from restraint into release
Saturday 2nd January 2021 3:51 am
Inner Strength
I have the rarest flower
Growing in my inner self.
I first had to protect it,
But now it’s taken root.
Small shoots of green,
Surviving where was barren.
Little tiny leaves,
Pattern uncommon.
I have the rarest flower
Living, thriving inside.
Makes me certain, what else happens,
That I can survive
Just like it.
As I wait for it to flower,
With its petals unfurled,
I wonder what...
Thursday 10th December 2020 9:12 am
Aspire or desire
One last blow out.
One last crucial hit.
A delightful dream which is
way out of the desired grip.
Every repetition of this addictive action
Every summon to this predicted slip.
Each time over and over again
Causes our precious belief to slowly rip.
The belief is to quit and seek much further beyond.
The truth that we desire of which we have oh so longed.
...Tuesday 10th November 2020 9:27 pm
Mrs Smith
A pale face, dark eyes, an uneasy smile,
Surrounded by a mass of tangly black curls,
She sat in that circle
Unengaged, aloof, disruptive,
There for everyone else’s sake
But her own.
Trapped in a world by demons who
Would let her see another way
But kept her from it because
It wouldn’t serve their obsessive needs.
Within screaming distance but held behind thick glass,
...Thursday 27th August 2020 5:06 pm
If Only It Would Rain Today
Its been dry for far too long
The air's got parched and dusty
I'm praying hard for rain to fall
My life's been arid and musty
I see how you led me to love you
That easy flattery your smiles
I fell headlong into your arms
Tripped by those practised wiles
If only it would rain today
And wash away my tears
Is that thunder that I hear
Cleansing as it nears?
...Monday 10th August 2020 10:44 am
I Don't Miss You
I don't miss you...not really.
I don't even want you...not really.
My empty heart is full of anger and regret, an infection that needs to be detoxed from inside me.
I can feel the grip of what could have been dissolving with every sip of self affirmation and every caplet of affection I imbibe.
I lick my wounds and feel the poison of jealousy and the sting of my injured pride slowly fa...
Sunday 12th July 2020 7:08 am
On line poetry - and history in the making
I've tended to have an old fashioned view of libraries - a very positive one, but limited to book borrowing, quiet spaces for reading and a children's corner. Of course, there is much or to a modern library than that and I have become involved with a couple of aspects of Surrey Libraries of which I was previously unaware.
The first of these is a poetry blog. This is a regular feature which incl...
Friday 3rd July 2020 3:33 pm
Relapse
Broken in tiny pieces
Shattered metaphorical and literally shattered
My soul feels bruised and battered
Years of lost trust finally found over almost a year
Gained in time but lost again through fear
Warned stay clear
All things toxic drugs and beer
Disappointment unspoken but visual
Her eyes are sad she looks miserable
She blames her self they all do
The handful of people who got me thr...
Sunday 2nd February 2020 6:34 am
my struggle
followed the wrong path, struch down by society
tried to make music but couldnt get the propriety
had the struggles, went through it involuntary
to give my heart to anyone now i am very wary
if you see me smile - im not happy - its rarely
it was my choices that led me here if i put it fairly
no anyone to hold me as i push myself through
not even a father to see how ive grew
...Wednesday 15th January 2020 11:15 am
unexpected
i bet you didnt expect to be doing drugs
i bet you didnt expect to give your sister one last hug
it wasnt expected that youd die and come back
and it wasnt foretold that on your face youd fall flat
nothing was planned to downfall, nor did you think that people would break down your walls
but it happened, your innocence was taken
and your faith in god was shaken because your actio...
Wednesday 15th January 2020 10:45 am
unhappiness
what is it without actually being happy
i put together the most real pieces but it doesnt change my feelings even when theyre clapping
im really just sad but i hide it with anger
my life has never been safe, always putting myself in danger
trying to find salvation, maybe i can save myself
maybe help my momma, get my family in good health
im just tryna stay strong and change my ch...
Wednesday 15th January 2020 10:34 am
homeless
no place to run when i needed to go
no one to call when i didnt have a home
people didnt come near me; fear of the unknown
wondered why there was no love
why it was so hard, was i treated so rough
the serpent came to me, gave me the forbidden
with my pain i took it like eve, it changed how i was living
kept trying to make it though, grew up fast life as a kid i never knew
i...
Wednesday 15th January 2020 10:28 am
N/A
never had a dad had to grow up fast, couldnt get over it so i live in the past
lonely and troubled i felt all alone, with little happiness, depression was shown
i fell into violence, drugs were upcoming, nothing felt better than the way that they were numbing
into trouble is what i always got, in and out of facilities, the recovery i fought
four years and my memory is grey, im always j...
Wednesday 15th January 2020 10:19 am
it was me
the devil sat on my shoulder today and asked me why I changed, why I acted this way. Honestly, I replied, Im tired of the anger. Looking back at the withdrawn girl, shes a stranger. Im deserving of a willing personality, instead of wallowing in my own self-pity. She asked me dont you miss the lust, disagreeing id rather involve myself in a way of trust. Greedy the serpent showed disrespect. With m...
Wednesday 15th January 2020 9:59 am
sobering up
I long to choose at my descretion
share my stories and teach lessons
to drive my car freely around
and to be scholarly, medical bound
loving myself and attending to my needs
servicing others and doing good deeds
how I dream of all the goals ill achieve
and all of the praise and good fortune ill recieve
from despair to hope I look for the future
taking back and repairing ...
Wednesday 15th January 2020 9:45 am
Ascend
Today has been a better day
I wasn’t a mardy bitch
I didn’t cry when something went wrong
I ate food without nausea or gagging or that awful washing machine feeling in my tummy
Today was an easier day
I could talk without the lump in my throat strangling me
I walked through university enjoying each rain drop falling onto my cheeks
or dripping through my ey...
Sunday 1st December 2019 12:56 pm
Recovery
I feel a little more me today
The crying spell has passed
With each hour, ticking by softly, my lungs awaken
I breathe easier now
I enjoyed my morning coffee
Sat by the steamy windows
Watching the sunrise slowly emerge from behind the dewy grass
Colour is returning to my cheeks
Repairing some part of the fragile soul I was two days ago
I dream
Ag...
Monday 18th November 2019 7:40 am
My Secret Life
He fools everyone
and I fool myself
in my secret life.
Makeup hides the bruises
in my secret life.
Distractions abound
in my secret life.
I smile, laugh, cry, drink
the pain away
in my secret life.
Food fills the gaps of despair
in my secret life.
I pray for salvation
in my secret life.
Hope for a better tommorow remains
in my secret life.
# # #
https://youtu...
Wednesday 6th November 2019 2:20 pm
fix me
Porcelain doll, why are you frowning?
She said, "I am you", "Look at my damage, all the drugs you're downing"
Cracked and peeling, there's no reverse.
She started crying, "Are you going to stop now or make it worse?"
Porcelain doll, how do I stop?
She said, "That's on you."
I take another pill and I hear a pop.
Piece after piece falls on the floor.
She cries out as it hurts...
Tuesday 29th October 2019 8:40 pm
goodbyes
Deleted the dealer. Threw put the pills.
Used the rest of my money for unpaid bills.
Cut off the friends. Got myself clean.
Mentally ready but physically a fiend.
Going to meetings. Trying to talk.
The constant urge to do dope I have to block
I don't really care, but at the same time, I do.
Hopefully, at some point, the right answer will breakthrough.
Monday 28th October 2019 9:40 pm
Im loyal
I'm dedicated. Not addicted. I'm in control. It's my desicion. I say what And I say where. And if you ask jus rig;;
Saturday 6th July 2019 5:19 am
My Point is Circular
My mouth took some months to bloom
My words took some weeks to flower
You and I do not speak different languages
We possess different meanings
“What is the curl of your tongue?
What is the grind of your teeth?
What is the bow in your brows?
What do you mean?”
Your bottom line is neat and fine
Your ballpoint pen bullet-proof
Underlined
My point is a r...
Sunday 9th June 2019 4:07 pm
Daughter
Forgive me, for not
being the mother
you needed me to be.
For being too busy,
too naive to see
what was happening
in front of me.
For being silent
when your father
screamed and demeaned.
For when I thought it
was sweet that your
boyfriend carried you
to your room when you
"fell asleep".
For not enough hugs
and too many lectures.
For not seeing the signs
of addict...
Friday 17th May 2019 3:29 pm
I saw God today
I saw God today
the sun shooting rays down between the clouds
I saw God today
in the tears of a friend who was hurting
I saw God today
in the smile of others and the pride in their eyes
I saw God today
as I looked in the mirror and realized my eyes were clear
for the first time in a very long time
I saw God today
in every raindrop and in every lightening strike
I s...
Friday 31st August 2018 10:05 pm
Questions
Last week as I sat in a hotel room putting a drug in a cup and pouring water upon it I asked myself who have I become? And now 7 days later I stand in a park serving those less fortunate as I and I ask myself the same question... Who have I become? No longer high and in my right mind I still don't think I can fully answer my own question... Maybe one day I may actually know the person who lives in...
Monday 30th July 2018 7:32 am
Painkiller
Painkiller
This world is brutal in its bitter way,
destroying beauty, tarnishing the good,
Hurting the carers, harming those who would
do better with their lives each passing day -
those who, despite all that the doctors say,
take back some control – if only they could
get up from where they drown beneath the flood
of good intentions. So today I pray:
when you’re hu...
Thursday 26th April 2018 4:33 pm
Nerves
It’s almost as if you’ve been
reborn.
The moment
you can take a breath
without feeling yourself
drowning.
Cement is no longer
running through your veins
slowing every movement,
because now it is only gravel.
Your head is now
not filled with buzzing static,
and instead
the distant sound of
electric storm clouds.
Enraged fire
replaces the
sleeping snow.
You are finally se...
Monday 23rd April 2018 8:09 pm
Points
Singular point of hope
balancing in one dimension
drive the stake deep, swing without reservations
for this is the beginning
doubled
added vector
sure footing eyes
to the horizon
averted from the abyss below
another point right planar
temptations of rest
loss of balance still precarious
point added placed correctly
a broad base of stability?
po...
Tuesday 13th March 2018 6:51 pm
The Beautiful Machine
Space for thought balance beauty of the void
power of complexity built on itself chaotic system
producing new order terrifying lonelyness meaningless computations
chaos repeating old broken patters My bones are ground to dust by the enormous gravity halving each space ad infinitum the yoke digging deep in the flesh
the aurochs spurred on by the cyclical hope of freedom
what new quar...
Monday 5th February 2018 7:29 pm
Love MySelf
What do have to offer. yourself
internal wisdom beneath the facia of my concious
the untenable barrier that holds the flesh together, but connot be devoured only boiled down
and essence consumed
waste
waste not use it for what it is
extract its power
use the sinew to construct a rope
strength beyond
only useful in parity with what is beneath what is beneath useless witho...
Monday 5th February 2018 7:22 pm
Arbitrary
Alchemy accumulations occult objects
oration
obviscation oral affinitiess
articulate articulate
honerous horticulture
fallow ground
hallowed articulating implements
scaring the face
chrurning the deep richness pulled to the skin layers of detritus
masticated long passed
ego masturbated
harrowing seed bed preped
rain sun evenly scaled
else scalded or overasp...
Monday 5th February 2018 6:56 pm
Pale faced love
My little pale faced love
Pixie now for you or closer
Hang on in there, it's proof it's working
This is just a sign of the clock ticking
Ticking away the days to full health
Full recovery no less my lovely, you'll see
The pest shrinking daily for others to catch
Trust in their judgement and hold my hand tight
You'll be free soon my lovely, just you wait and see
Saturday 13th May 2017 8:15 pm
Believe
There are challenges we face that others don't see,
may never experience, never understand.
Invisible mountains we climb alone,
oceans we swim feeling out of our depth.
But we do it. We fight it. We beat it.
Mental health recovery is a journey,
a destination that requires focus, bravery and time.
For all those who face it every day...
believe.
Thursday 11th May 2017 8:47 am
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