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I Don't Miss You

I don't miss you...not really.

I don't even want you...not really.

My empty heart is full of anger and regret, an infection that needs to be detoxed from inside me.

I can feel the grip of what could have been dissolving with every sip of self affirmation and every caplet of affection I imbibe. 

I lick my wounds and feel the poison of jealousy and the sting of my injured pride slowly fa...

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Freedomhappinessrecoveryself care

On line poetry - and history in the making

entry picture

I've tended to have an old fashioned view of libraries - a very positive one, but limited to book borrowing, quiet spaces for reading and a children's corner. Of course, there is much or to a modern library than that and I have become involved with a couple of aspects of Surrey Libraries of which I was previously unaware.

The first of these is a poetry blog. This is a regular feature which incl...

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archiveCovid- 19historylibrariesrecoverysocial distancing

Relapse

Broken in tiny pieces
Shattered metaphorical and literally shattered
My soul feels bruised and battered
Years of lost trust finally found over almost a year
Gained in time but lost again through fear
Warned stay clear
All things toxic drugs and beer
Disappointment unspoken but visual
Her eyes are sad she looks miserable
She blames her self they all do
The handful of people who got me thr...

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Addictionrecoverysadsickness

my struggle

followed the wrong path, struch down by society

tried to make music but couldnt get the propriety

had the struggles, went through it involuntary

to give my heart to anyone now i am very wary

if you see me smile - im not happy - its rarely

it was my choices that led me here if i put it fairly

no anyone to hold me as i push myself through

not even a father to see how ive grew

...

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addictionbrokenrecoverystruggles

unhappiness

what is it without actually being happy

i put together the most real pieces but it doesnt change my feelings even when theyre clapping

im really just sad but i hide it with anger

my life has never been safe, always putting myself in danger

trying to find salvation, maybe i can save myself

maybe help my momma, get my family in good health

im just tryna stay strong and change my ch...

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addictiondepressionrecoverytalent

homeless

no place to run when i needed to go

no one to call when i didnt have a home

people didnt come near me; fear of the unknown

wondered why there was no love

why it was so hard, was i treated so rough

the serpent came to me, gave me the forbidden

with my pain i took it like eve, it changed how i was living

kept trying to make it though, grew up fast life as a kid i never knew

i...

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addictionhomelessrecovery

it was me

the devil sat on my shoulder today and asked me why I changed, why I acted this way. Honestly, I replied, Im tired of the anger. Looking back at the withdrawn girl, shes a stranger. Im deserving of a willing personality, instead of wallowing in my own self-pity. She asked me dont you miss the lust, disagreeing id rather involve myself in a way of trust. Greedy the serpent showed disrespect. With m...

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addictionhoperecoverysobriety

sobering up

I long to choose at my descretion

share my stories and teach lessons

to drive my car freely around

and to be scholarly, medical bound

loving myself and attending to my needs

servicing others and doing good deeds

how I dream of all the goals ill achieve

and all of the praise and good fortune ill recieve

from despair to hope I look for the future

taking back and repairing ...

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addictionrecoverysobriety

Ascend

Today has been a better day 

 

I wasn’t a mardy bitch 

I didn’t cry when something went wrong 

I ate food without nausea or gagging or that awful washing machine feeling in my tummy 

 

Today was an easier day 

 

I could talk without the lump in my throat strangling me 

I walked through university enjoying each rain drop falling onto my cheeks

or dripping through my ey...

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anxietydepressionillnessrecovery

Recovery

I feel a little more me today 

The crying spell has passed 

With each hour, ticking by softly, my lungs awaken

I breathe easier now

 

I enjoyed my morning coffee 

Sat by the steamy windows 

Watching the sunrise slowly emerge from behind the dewy grass 

 

Colour is returning to my cheeks 

Repairing some part of the fragile soul I was two days ago

 

I dream 

Ag...

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anxietymental healthrecovery

My Secret Life

He fools everyone
and I fool myself
in my secret life.
 
Makeup hides the bruises
in my secret life.

Distractions abound  
in my secret life.

I smile, laugh, cry, drink 
the pain away
in my secret life.

Food fills the gaps of despair
in my secret life.

I pray for salvation
in my secret life.

Hope for a better tommorow remains 
in my secret life. 

# # #

https://youtu...

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abuseaddictionfaithhopeprayerrecoveryrelationships

Doorways

I stand, hovering, behind you,

ready to take over, if needed.

You wheel yourself in the hospital wheelchair,

resisting my offers of assistance.

We pass doorways with patients in each room.

Different voices greet us,

giving a snapshot of lives interrupted by illness and injury.

Mum peers into each room, scanning for a familiar face.

”Hello Jean.”

”It’s the buttons that de...

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Doorwayshospitalillnessinjuryrecovery

Im loyal

I'm dedicated. Not addicted. I'm in control. It's my desicion. I say what And I say where. And if you ask jus rig;;

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addictiondedicationdepressiondesiscionsdrugshurtlossloveloyaltypainrecoverystruggle

My Point is Circular

My mouth took some months to bloom

My words took some weeks to flower

You and I do not speak different languages

We possess different meanings

 

“What is the curl of your tongue?

What is the grind of your teeth?

What is the bow in your brows?

What do you mean?”

 

Your bottom line is neat and fine

Your ballpoint pen bullet-proof

Underlined

 

My point is a r...

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accusecyclejusticelosing my mindpredatorpressureramblingrape culturerecoverystatementtruthvictim blamingwordplay

Daughter

Forgive me, for not 
being the mother 
you needed me to be.

For being too busy,
too naive to see 
what was happening 
in front of me.

For being silent
when your father 
screamed and demeaned.

For when I thought it
was sweet that your 
boyfriend carried you
to your room when you 
"fell asleep".

For not enough hugs
and too many lectures.

For not seeing the signs
of addict...

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addictionconnectiondaughterfaithfamilyforgivenesshealinghellhero's journeyloverecoveryrelationships

I saw God today

I saw God today

the sun shooting rays down between the clouds

I saw God today

in the tears of a friend who was hurting

I saw God today

in the smile of others and the pride in their eyes

I saw God today

as I looked in the mirror and realized my eyes were clear

for the first time in a very long time

I saw God today

in every raindrop and in every lightening strike

I s...

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faithgodhopeloverecoveryspiritual

Questions

Last week as I sat in a hotel room putting a drug in a cup and pouring water upon it I asked myself who have I become? And now 7 days later I stand in a park serving those less fortunate as I and I ask myself the same question... Who have I become? No longer high and in my right mind I still don't think I can fully answer my own question... Maybe one day I may actually know the person who lives in...

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living with addictionrecovery

Painkiller

entry picture

Painkiller

 

This world is brutal in its bitter way,

destroying beauty, tarnishing the good,

Hurting the carers, harming those who would

do better with their lives each passing day -

those who, despite all that the doctors say,

take back some control – if only they could

get up from where they drown beneath the flood

of good intentions. So today I pray:

when you’re hu...

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depressiondrugsease the painhelplovepetrarchan sonnetrecovery

Nerves

It’s almost as if you’ve been 
reborn.

The moment 
you can take a breath
without feeling yourself
drowning.
Cement is no longer
running through your veins
slowing every movement,
because now it is only gravel.
Your head is now 
not filled with buzzing static,
and instead 
the distant sound of 
electric storm clouds.
Enraged fire 
replaces the
sleeping snow.

You are finally se...

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anxietydepressiondescriptivefeelingshappinesslifelivingpoemsrecovery

Pale

Never seeing the light

 

Shown

 

We wither and decay

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hopeRecoveryspirituality

Points

Singular point of hope

balancing in one dimension

drive the stake deep, swing without reservations

for this is the beginning

 

doubled

       added vector

sure footing eyes

to the horizon

averted from the abyss below

another point right planar

temptations of rest

loss of balance still precarious

point added placed correctly

a broad base of stability?

po...

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fearmental healthProgressrecovery

The Beautiful Machine

Space for thought balance beauty of the void

power of complexity built on itself chaotic system

producing new order terrifying lonelyness meaningless computations

chaos repeating old broken patters My bones are ground to dust by the enormous gravity halving each space ad infinitum the yoke digging deep in the flesh

the aurochs spurred on by the cyclical hope of freedom

what new quar...

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recovery

Love MySelf

What do have to offer. yourself

internal wisdom beneath the facia of my concious

the untenable barrier that holds the flesh together, but connot be devoured only boiled down

and essence consumed

waste

waste not use it for what it is

extract its power

use the sinew to construct a rope

strength beyond

only useful in parity with what is beneath what is beneath useless witho...

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egogodidentityrecoveryself worth

Arbitrary

Alchemy accumulations occult objects

oration

obviscation oral affinitiess

articulate articulate 

honerous horticulture

fallow ground

hallowed articulating implements 

scaring the face

chrurning the deep richness pulled to the skin layers of detritus

masticated long passed

ego masturbated

harrowing seed bed preped

rain sun evenly scaled

else scalded or overasp...

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antidepressantmotivationrecovery

Pale faced love

My little pale faced love

Pixie now for you or closer

Hang on in there, it's proof it's working

This is just a sign of the clock ticking 

Ticking away the days to full health

Full recovery no less my lovely, you'll see

The pest shrinking daily for others to catch

Trust in their judgement and hold my hand tight

You'll be free soon my lovely, just you wait and see

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cancerhealthloverecovery

Believe

There are challenges we face that others don't see,

may never experience, never understand.

Invisible mountains we climb alone,

oceans we swim feeling out of our depth.

But we do it. We fight it. We beat it.

Mental health recovery is a journey,

a destination that requires focus, bravery and time.

For all those who face it every day...

believe.

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bipolarMental healthparanoid schizophreniarecovery

The hardest part

Have you ever tried to kill yourself by holding your breath?
No one's ever died from a lack of sleep...
(I dare you not to try it)
The hardest part of forgetting is when you remember.

Double check yourself, and down it goes.
Get ready, hold on, and jump out of the plane!
Hear the rush, gasp for breath, and let those bells ring.
Jump on that train, follow those tracks.
It's too much (but ...

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12 stepsaddictioncocainedrugsrecoverythe hardest part

I Lost

Lost my way in the sun,
got lost in my oblivion,
wandered through the maze
inside my brain
found my way
back again.

I broke the wires
back there,
hollow,
low
but I make them pure,
free
gold like a river
I flow.

I let it go,
my hope
floats.

My yellow brick road
will take me home
to the silver blue,
my pure, my sweet,
my golden fire moon.

I fell in lust,
the ego owned ...

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ChangeDrugslost realityrealisationrecovery

Master and Commander

Master and Commander

 

Spreading kindness is not as easy as it should be,

Light years ahead this world of worlds,

And what’s not preserved will slip through mid-earth,

 

Medicated America suffers,

Morals are seldom thought of,

Our jaded youth trudges on,

 

We collapse on the front lines,

No one can save us,

Because we see our neighbors in turmoil and turn away,

...

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goodwillhealingmoralenew beginningsrecovery

10 Down to 1

10

Shaky fingesr slide over my 

9

New wounds and my 

8

Scars of hatred, with 

7

Pills. I long my

6

Horrible hours of

5

Screaming death wishes and

4

Shots to my head would make

3

Tears fall down from my

2

Eyes, hurting me still!

1

More day and I would of been swept away. 

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it gets betterlovepainrecoveryself harmsuffering

Jigsaw

entry picture

Jigsaw

 

They say you cannot live without me,

yet I am happy lying here alone –

adrift on an ocean of Axminster.

You didn’t miss me until you were finished

and by then it was far too late.

 

I was just one of your many pretty pieces,

inconsequential to the scheme of things,

until I was the only thing you needed.

By then I was safely hidden away,

f...

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jigsawlost lovemissing piecerecoveryunique

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