Poetry Blogs (depression)

When I try to sleep, I remember all my fears,
And every mistake I've made in the past five years.

My heart feels heavy, alone in a crowded room.
Suffocating claustrophobia, will this be over soon?

This is exhausting, trying to win this fight.
Hand over mouth, nothing's felt so right.

I'm running out of breath, I can't make this climb.
Chasing down the clock, seems I'm out of time.

First cu...

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It doesn't make sense... I'm not who I used to be... This karma that's destroying my life has been paid over and over and over...why? I really don't see the point in trying my hardest to be the person who's in my heart... The only thing I feel and deal with is pain and repercussions of actions in my past and actions that where never even acted upon... True happiness, financial stability, love... W...

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Up swings
Low swings
Irritable swings
Whenever the bell rings.
Time to change so soon?
Oh thankyou for the gloom
Its not like I needed mental room
I'll just listen to your tune.
Is it time for bed,
Or are you not done yet?
This endless strain of thoughts
Feeling like I'm making a case In front of the courts
Barely awake, but barely conscious?
You'll wish you'd had your bedroom blessed
...

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self love

self love

self love

I repeat

looking into 

the bathroom mirror.

staring into

cold eyes 

that are

not my own,

feeling other skin 

that covers someone else’s bones.

this cannot be me.

but somehow,

someway,

it is.

A viscious 

bloody

never-ending 

terrible war.

a war within myself

that I will surely

never w...

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Would you believe me

If I told you the truth

Would you stay with me,

Or would you just leave?

Would you still feel 

The way that you do

If you saw me kneel

Before the demons so cruel?

I tried to escape

But it fell right through

It was never fate

What should I do?

I didn't mean to fail 

I did choose you

But the monsters fight

Harder than I'm able to

I...

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Give me a broken mirror.

Hide the blemishes and blotches

That impairs and disfigures.

Give me renewed youth.

Re-circuit my memory

Rewrite the truth.

Give me made up days.

Turn action to fiction

Blow my mind away.

Give me turning tides.

Give me caves and crevices

In which I can hide.

Give me light, give me dark

Give me dressings to hide

...

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I'm running away scared 
But trying to find the light
They hurt me too hard.
Standing here from this height
If I had the courage to do it
I could float among the stars
My chest forming in a pit, I sit.
I'm broken in two halves.

How did I get here?
I truly tried to fight it
Even kept denying it
I can't even hide it

I'm shaking but holding on tight 
The ledge is sturdy but it's high...

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My deepest moments of despair, 

Brought about my strength,

And perseverance and faith.

The moments I so wanted an escape, 

Were the moments I prayed and praised 

Despite the heartache.

The moments of despair   

Reconciled me into appreciation.

It’s what pushed me to be grateful, 

Despite the trash in my back pack.

This...

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Get up and Gone

I remember when my uncle, with watery eyes,

Told me how his get up and go

Had got up and gone.

We were looking at the framed photo of his wife,

40 years together, and now only one.

His shoulders shook, a man once so strong,

Used to laughter, drinks and quick with a quip or joke.

And I remember when I too lost sight of the sun,

My vision blurred,...

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when you walked out of my life
nothing really felt the same
I walked the streets in the darkness looking for someone to blame
The windows of my eyes blacked out
The door of my mind shut
decided who was worth saving during the cut

when you walked out of my life
I listened to Travis Bickle that day
he told me I am god's lonely man and that it should stay
my bullets of the barrel of your gun
...

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Her soul, once whole,

Hollow like a cave,

Inching towards the grave.

Empty like the lies,

Told by her eyes.

They ask, "why all the pain? Are you insane?"

All my efforts in vain.

The simple key that will last a mile,

A fake and empty smile,

Trasparent, they say, elusive as ever

Telling her to live forever, never say never,

But her feelings, now here's a tw...

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Her soul, once whole,

Hollow like a cave,

Inching towards the grave.

Empty like the lies,

Told by her eyes.

They ask, "why all the pain? Are you insane?"

All my efforts in vain.

The simple key that will last a mile,

A fake and empty smile,

Trasparent, they say, elusive as ever

Telling her to live forever, never say never,

But her feelings, now here's a tw...

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Her soul, once whole,

Hollow like a cave,

Inching towards the grave.

Empty like the lies,

Told by her eyes.

They ask, "why all the pain? Are you insane?"

All my efforts in vain.

The simple key that will last a mile,

A fake and empty smile,

Trasparent, they say, elusive as ever

Telling her to live forever, never say never,

But her feelings, now here's a tw...

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Scream lung deep into a brown paper bag,

Let the pain poor free to drain the bulls red rag,

I don’t hear where the devil lives for the rustling distorts,

I know you’re hurting but your hand is moving and I can’t see all the warts,

Until you choose - until you can,

Until your soul finds the strength to trust a man,

I will hear words only spoken in different tongue,

What yo...

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Heart Beat

Listen to the ticking clock
Countdown 
and witness me take another breath.

Listen to the rhythm of
my life
and tell me to turn back to the last channel.

But allow the vibrating bass to
remind you that this  
song is what allows me to feel the tune
that I simply cannot hear with just my ears.

Watch me as I continue to live
with ever-changing favorite songs 
that all ...

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The start is the end of a long sleepless night,

A new day's light is the bell, next round of the fight

"Today's going to be different", echoes a heavy pillowed head,

You've heard this lie before from the soapbox of your bed,

You know who you are, you've lived through each day,

The context of those comments?? "What did they say?!",

That really doesn't sound like the 'me' that...

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Its 2am
I'm lying on the bathroom floor again
Heavy breathing, I got pills in my hand
Shaking and waiting for the sandman
To take me to sleep so you can understand

This is not a claim to fame
Only an attempt for you to remember my name
When you see me in the headlines saying "He wasn't okay"
Oh you miss me now? Ain't that a shame.

I'm not coming back, there is no replay
You can't take ba...

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You try to escape the demons

But they latch on way too tight,

Their claws digging into my body

And mind, with all their might.

Fighting is exhausting,

It physically and mentally drains.

But still I endure it, hoping

One day I will finally escape the pain.

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I'm sitting here, trapped, frozen in time

Head imploding, finally losing my mind

Nowhere to run, bound and confined

To the prison within, my unconscious mind.

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Each day, more exhausting than the last.

Time goes far too slowly, or too fast.

you're either extremely low, or elevated.

People either love you, or you're hated.

There is no middle ground

- no inbetween.

Everything is one extreme.

you're either Jekyll or you're Hyde.

It is a never ending fight.

You're a walking contradiction ,

With no explanation,

No cha...

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We were born sick
But we adore it,
Nothing compares.
Living on the edge,
The dual extremes
in which we thrive,
are eating us alive.
Devouring our souls,
Ripping us apart,
Yet wholesome we feel
With our demons so close,
Sat upon our shoulder
Whispering to us, sins..
Orders upon orders
to which we must follow.

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I feel dead inside

I can no longer hide

For so long I've lied

I promise, I truly tried,

But today is the day that I died.

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I’m losing my mind.

Don’t you understand?

I’m desperately reaching out for your hand.

Don’t leave me hanging, slipping, falling…

down into the endless abyss of darkness,

Never destined to land.

You’ve saved me once before,

But this time there are no safety ropes.

I’m free-falling, plummeting, going down…

My only hope Is for you to save me now.

I’m losing my ...

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Pain hurts in the middle of the day, in the middle of the night and in many other ways
It masks itself as shame and keeps calling your name
You're nothing 
You're worthless
You're alone
Calling out to the God who says He cares 
But finding silence and distant stares
I want to be happy
I want to be whole
I want to be free of the ghost that haunts me
Haunting my days and wrestling with my nights
They won't let...

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Damn 

What if I fail 

What if everything that I hope to accomplish 

Becomes reality 

What if I really be on mtv 

Would that  change a “U don’t mean shit to me” 

To you mean the most to me 

Let me stop 

Let me pause 

I never did good 

So I never got a round of applause 

Always found myself behind bars 

For not following the laws 

It seems crazy I always wanted...

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Sitting on the kitchen floor 

in the middle of the night

Pill packets to the left of me 

and a knife just to the right 

I was young, I was broken 

I felt I couldn’t win the fight

Hopeless and desperate 

I wanted a way out of this life

This wasn’t something new

there had been many other times

But usually the prescription drugs 

were enough to suppress the crime

T...

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DEAR DEPRESSION,

Thank you for always being by my side
No matter what I do, you´re always on my mind
A friend like you is really hard to find
I guess you´re just one of a kind

Whenever I´m feeling low
You just turn up and show
Me thinks I don´t want to know
But why though?... I thought you were my friend and not my foe...

Whenever I´m feeling good
You say "Stop that, instead you should
...

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When the rock struck me sideways,

Lying face down,

Confused and afraid,

Couldn’t see the daylight.

Dazzled as to where to leap,

Or where to turn,

In my confused altered mind.

But you stood amongst it,

Never blamed,

Nor question,

My reason for being.

Falls, turns and detours

I sympathize the whys,

The reasons for my trial.

Drifting through the motions,

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How can I cope with this devil on my shoulder, The heat is on but its making me colder, When I was younger it hoped I’d grow older, Started off small now it’s heavier than a boulder, 

You say I’m fine well I’m sick in the head, You say I‘ll cope well I’m sick of this mess, I don’t know how long I can stick with this stress, If it was my way then I would’ve writ this in red, 

I’m go...

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I have recently read
That pain is the hardest
Situation a human can
Try to explain.

If that’s so,
Is fear considered 
To be pain?

Does pain have to
Be a broken bone?
A head ache?
A tight chest?
A burn?

Is pain not
The anxiety of waiting
For everything to fit?
Is pain not
The force of trying 
to piece together 
two completely different
puzzles to become one? 

I can never...

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Painkiller

This world is brutal in its bitter way,

destroying beauty, tarnishing the good,

Hurting the carers, harming those who would

do better with their lives each passing day -

those who, despite all that the doctors say,

take back some control – if only they could

get up from where they drown beneath the flood

of good intentions. So today I pray:

when you’re hu...

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If you're not careful you can get lost in the woods of your mind.
My piece of advice would be to bring with you a guide.

Someone to hold your hand and walk you through.
So that if something is lurking you have someone to hold onto.

Make sure the person you bring is trustworthy.
That they'll stick around when it starts to get scary.

Things go bump in the night and more-so in these woods.
Tho...

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your toothy grin
is only cotton
trying to blow down this brick
house I have crafted

you were included in the blueprint
until I started changing 
the locks 
and now you're waiting for
an open door

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It’s almost as if you’ve been 
reborn.

The moment 
you can take a breath
without feeling yourself
drowning.
Cement is no longer
running through your veins
slowing every movement,
because now it is only gravel.
Your head is now 
not filled with buzzing static,
and instead 
the distant sound of 
electric storm clouds.
Enraged fire 
replaces the
sleeping snow.

You are finally se...

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The clover is blooming

Like blood in the hills

Hungry beauty of summer

Its early impatient pace

I have the thought

That these routines are breaking

That not so far from now I'll have 

a different best time

Because this early sweet

Late lazy spring

Will have drastic changes

No borders between extremes

I want this forever yet that is insane

This forward movemen...

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Whether it was going to an all boys' school,

Growing up in a religious subculture,

Having parents that didn't let you develop

Or provided no template for living

Say you are one of those guys that missed out

On intimacy in your teenage years

How do you ever recover?

Laying in bed lonely for all those nights.

Not even having dates with girls your age.

No girlfriend.
...

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The flower grew within, the fumes were fornicated. Bastards grew on paper, spilt ink spread their legs to the core of chaos. Thus the evil brewed bombs. You don’t see a shadow in the dark docile day. Only when it burns you can see your damned skin and the fire. The shadow of a truth turning grey, sat beside by the yellow day!

PC: Unknown

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You stare. 
Thinking isn’t your game, anymore.
Wait for the next reflex to barge in.

Stare.

PC: unknown.

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Piercing poles of what shattered in abruptness
Has a bit of touch to it.
Strange things with glasses, I tell you.

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Do you remember how we used to savour the pins and needles on our tongues?

Do you remember how we used to bite into bitterness?

lick the spit of life

I was turned on by brokenness

maybe it’s cliche

that I craved pain

swallowing broken bottles

it's lined my pockets

it's swollen my stomach

Do you remember when we saw ‘sad’ as just another crayon

to colour ourselves in w...

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Please tell me if 

Please tell me now 

Have I suffered enough 

Have I fallen to the ground 

It feels like I’m falling still 

I’ve cried for help haven’t I 

Was I not that loud 

Do I even deserve the help 

Guess I’ll just shut my mouth 

I’m not okay 

Please just tell me I’m not 

Tell me 

It won’t be fine 

Admit that 

That’s alright 

I don’...

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Yellow branches drifting to the shore,

You hold true in the forwards direction,

Bending ever downwards to the depths of darkness.

Your voice is shallow and short,

The breaths meaningless to all but the other,

Mirrors reflecting the sun.

Shattered windows created imperfections in a perfect line,

The glimmering colors to present true beauty once again,

Feathers ...

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All alone once again

Silence envelopes me

Might drive myself

insane

My loneliness, it seems to 

challenge me

So I have to ask myself

”Is this really who I want to be?”

Want to free my mind,

and just put myself at ease...”

I’ve only lived in life,

Don’t know how to truly feel alive

Think I forgot how to breathe

Happiness? Ha, to me that’s a tease

...

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Don't call it a comeback
My depressions been here for years
I still smoke myself to sleep
And calm my anxiety with 3 or more beers

It's just goes to show
That I should stay in my lane
I stare at the bottom of an empty bottle
Just to focus on something other than pain

I knew it'd come back
I knew it was too good to be true
Depression isn't a state of mind
It's something that controls you

...

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Here I am again.

Lost in the same world of limbo that I always get trapped in,

Oceans of mystery below me,

Plants growing underneath me,

Stars shooting above me,

I have been stuck in this oblivion for what has seems like decades,

Ideas and thoughts looping around and around inside this tiny head of mine,

Nothing seems realistic anymore yet it does not feel like a fantasy eithe...

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Envision this You have lived in a buried dark pit your whole life

Or at least since you can remember

All you have ever known is the feeling of helplessness

And misery

There is no way out but up

Which you are not even sure there is a peak

You try to climb

But gravity swallows you whole

And spits you out at the bottom of your inferno

Screaming, even though you are unsure ...

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Fall on the way side in the afternoon.

I sob now besides the hollow tree,

The oak,

Bare.

Your darkened hair recedes into the heavy mist,

Your eyebrows sliver into scattered sunbeams.

Away from me.

Lost in the bitter goodnight,

Hollow in acknowledgment,

The dirt moist from the heavy rain before it.

The image of you flakes,

In my mind,

Rui...

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It's cold and confusing.

A bomb needing diffusing.

Strainging and stressful.

Though secretly blessful.

Her heart and soul are at war.

Depression growing like a sore.

A life filled of grief.

No hopes of relief.

Her heart cries out to God,

Her face and body, the facade.

Nobody sees the real me.

Feelings behind the walls you see.

Restrained by her own mind.

Her ...

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I'm afraid to have kids
What if they get my depression
Or addiction
Or fucking alcoholism?
What am I supposed to say to them?

"Sorry kiddo,
Suck it up.
You'll soon find out,
Life just fucking sucks"

It's just not fair
To pass on an ongoing burden
To watch my kid suffer
Knowing that I can't relieve them

They're supposed to be protected
But I can't save them from themself
It just kill...

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25/10/11

So unpredictable.

So sharp and so cunning

Is the pain that run through me,

Hideous yet so stunning.

I want to keep it here, 

I want to feel it's cold aching

Blood spilling from me

My heart is still breaking

What if I want it to stop?

Please, leave me alone!

It'll be there. Waiting.

For me to decay down to bones. 

Maybe that's what I wa...

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