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Villanelle for a village cricketer

I’m batting at eternal number ten.

My mediocre talent falls apart;

Soon I’ll be walking back on nought again.


I’m in a team of skilled, well-coached young men,

Convincing me that cricket is an art.

I’m batting at eternal number ten.


I do not move my feet or sidestep when

A lethal bouncer flies towards my heart.

Soon I’ll be walking back on nought again.


I ...

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The Reunion Party

For me, Galton and Simpson were up there

With Pinter, Stoppard, and all the others.

‘The Reunion Party’ was their peak.

Nineteen sixty-five, when Tony Hancock

Struggled on through his final, fading depths.

Not seen for twenty years, his army mates,

Grown old, have changed, and not for the better.

Oh, disappointment, exasperation!

(‘Oh God, man. You’re not a squirrel; have a...

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Walking without the floor is oh such bore, as if it’s not walking at all.

But standing on stage is not either the place, without you first seeing the wall. 

And the waves wash right in with such a great spin, but would’nt without crest or the trough.

If you look and see two, remember that’s you, and actually, it’s just one, as in all.

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The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.

"Hello Blake," said a man dressed in a Chicken suit with a mask.
"What brings the Masked Chicken to the morgue?" Asked Dr Blake Alexander the local coroner.
"I need info for a case from my source in the morgue," said the Chicken.
"So this isn't a social visit," said Blake.
"No," said the Chicken.
"You shouldn't be in here," said Blake's Assistant, Dante walking in the room.
"Dr Alexander is ...

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Consequences XIV

It was the night before Xmas and all was quiet throughout the house 
include Dad who was asleep drunk on Jack Daniels Honey on his chair.

He never saw the zombies enter the house, wearing Christmas hats
but when he blearily opened his eyes, he mistook them for Santa’s elves.  
“What have you got for me this year then,” he muttered…

The zombies stopped in their tracks, looked nervously at ...

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Heart Of Stone

Heart Of Stone


Medusa couldn’t get a boy

No matter how she tried

She had a go at on-line dating

But on her profile she lied

She was hoping for some desperate lad

Looking for a bride

But when she posted pictures

They would run away and hide


She spends many an hour

Teasing and straightening her snakes

And applying subtle make-up

To up the beauty stakes


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Make Room

Dear Donny says we need more comedy
WoL isn’t what it ought to be
Well, you may have heard that comics are known to hide their troubles
To make others laugh
While their life is actually in strife
They complain others are all too serious, 
too much doom and gloom
They’d rather make it a sideshow
Well, move aside, 
make some room
There’s plenty for both of you
After all, after a good cry,...

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comedydoom and gloom


I'm hosting a new poetry and comedy open mic night in Wakefield on the 2nd Wednesday of the month starting on Wednesday 12th February.
Entry is FREE and everyone is welcome.

email me to reserve a spot or sign up to perform on the night from 7pm - 7.30pm

Performances will start at 7.30(ish)

More details on the events page or the link (below)

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Open Micpoetrycomedywakefieldgetting gobby in the lobbylobby 1867


SO i go to "keep fit classes"

I've joined the girls with sagging arses

to tone up all my floppy bits

to make sure my bikini fits

the class instructor SHOUTS  at us

oh my goodness, what a fuss


Jeepers!!!! she could be my Mum


it seemed that this went on all night


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A really bad day...


I got up really early, the sun was in the sky
I thought "i'll do the laundry,i'm bound to get it dry,
I sorted out the lights and darks, and put the first load in
It washed it and it rinsed it, but then refused to spin.

In anger and frustration, I opened up the door
the water left the washing and drowned the kitchen floor.

I went to make a coffee and the kettle b...

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Every Day A Celebration

Remember, Remember…the what of November?
Was sure there was something…try to remember
Dates in a diary reminders of significance
Sure there was something...just think perchance
Perchance to think…or was it sleep?
Or is perchancing to think altogether too deep?
Ahhh good old computer the answers I seek
To google or not? I’ll just have a peek
November is Vegan Month…hurray!
I’m writing this...

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wedding guest hats ..the truth

my hat fell off one day

my head stayed on and so did my hair

heads are designed not to fall off

hats are made for heads

hats fall off

some fall off

wedding guest hats are not secure 

they flatten hair styles

the wind might decide to be cruel that day

is this a risk you are willing to take?

no one wants to lose a wedding hat

no one wants hat hair

my advice if you...

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hatssilly poemweddingpoempoetrycomedy

being a table

No jaws to bite with 

not able to swallow 

No banquet to feast on

No hair to comb 

no nails to paint

no legs for feet 

no feet for shoes 

no water to wash with 

no water to drink

no eyes to see you

no you to see

no lessons to learn from

no emotions to feel

no oxygen to breathe 

no lungs to take a breath 

no music for listening

no ears to listen with


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Dr. Love (or How I Learned to Stop Wallowing and Write Poetry)

By: Rodolfo Perez


Love is (sometimes) patient,

Love is (sometimes) kind,

And sometimes, love is a needle in the eye,

Or a kick to the groin.


It is a cliff-hanger,

With your mother waiting to catch you,

When you let go.


It is losing your voice,

From crying into your pillow.


It is real...

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New show looking for venues from June 2019

Looking for venues or assistance with this to perform/tour my new show/performance coming in 2019.. Already have first venue booked for July in Manchester.


'70' A New Decade Of Fun. Is a new performance of spoken word/poetry with comedy which shows that ageing doesn't have to mean that you stop enjoying life and exploring new ideas. That ageing is not for wimps and lets put back humour in ...

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Ageingcomedyreal life storiesSpoken Word poetryvenues

Aquatic Stardust - a freewrite

Aquarian Aquarius,
everyone be hearing us.
What an exciting life you lead,
cosmic superhuman centipede.
I’m Centric G pause for the D:
ejaculating antiquating - even thoughts dilapidated.
You should go through twice
extinguish anguish from your life
cosmic zombie souls are sliced.
Universal detoxification 
electrocuting nation-notions
rubbing Atlas, struggled rolling
infinitesimal scro...

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poetryrapcomedysemanticssemantic fieldssilly semanticsfreewritefreestyleloveuniversegalaxiesearthwaterlifefantasysci-fidoggosdogsmemessilliness

Black Betty by Huddie Ledbetter read by David Williams in the style of Sir John Betjeman

A little fun and whimsical nonsense! Anybody remember Peter Sellers reading 'Balham Gateway to the South?'

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A Tale Of Reincarnation

6th December



There was a monk
well, a former monk
and he was handing out free cups of tea
to passers-by
As he did he spoke of
Great Energies
and letting go of material possessions.

I took him up on his offer and we conversed
but then he asked me about my job
and I ashamedly admitted that I felt down
I work for a corporation
but he held me in a s...

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poetrypunk poetryleedspoempunkcomedyhumourblack humour

The Evil Tree

I'm going to tell you a story, which was genuinely one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I'd always been quite cynical about the idea of ghosts and demons and spiritualism, but this moment changed that for me and made me realise that actually, we are NOT alone in this world. Please, I know and understand the cynicism of most on this topic, but I can assure you that I have not invented any...

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branchbutterflycaterpillarcomedyevilfunnygood and evilHorrorleaftree

3 Write

3Write is a new free monthly writing event at the heart of the local community in Ashton-under-Lyne. It takes place every first Saturday at Ashton Library starting at Noon on Saturday 5th March, and is open to people of all ages and abilities.


The premise is 3 themes per session, and 3 styles of writing per session. We then 3Write. With the growing spoken word scene in Tameside (with big p...

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I Picked You

as i sit across from her i knew i had to say something, but the only problem was, how do i go about doing so?
i have wanted to tell her for a while now but i get all flustered when i try.
how can it be so difficult to get a few words out i mean its barely even a sentence.
i know that the longer i wait the harder its going to get but shes looking at me, with no idea of what i am about to say.

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The Elevator

i knew that she was the one, i knew it from the moment i looked at her.
she had no idea that i knew and i just stood there and smiled to myself.
I probably looked like an idiot, grinning ear to ear but hey i couldn't help myself.
i had this warm feeling inside of me, feeling rather giddy if you may.
not quite to the point of laughter but enough to keep me entertained in the slightest of ways.

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Writing 'proper' poetry

Peppercorn eyes or was it peppermint eyes, does it matter?

Something...orginal eyes! Something blazing eyes...something dreamy and crapper.

Yes, so he tasted of morning breath and the blandness of saliva

but just write that he tasted of strawberries and hope because that sounds a lot nicer!

...Wait... stop! The ryhme is off!

Can you have more ryhme this time, less variation.


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Standing there silently
Just having a wee
Staring at the wall
‘Cos there's nothing to see
Just wiggling it about
To alter the stream
Peace and tranquility
Is not what it seems
There’s ying and yang 
And other forces at play
The imps are at work
Set to ruin your day
It starts at that moment
When the bladders half empty
Half ...

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ComedyToiletBawdy humour

Put It Away

Put It Away
The time is upon us
When the sun comes out
Inhibitions change
Of that, there's no doubt
Like the flick of a switch
Deep inside the brain
When the weather moves
To sun from the rain
It affects everyone
From the fit to the fat
Questions respectability
Can't comprehend that
The men and women
Are both equally bad
Displaying t...

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I saw the light - 1

more spoken word than poetry - but no matter...

hope you enjoy...

part 2 -

part 3 -

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Writer's Block

Need to get started
Got so much to write
Put pen to paper
Just keep writing shite
I've tried all the tricks
Walked round the room
Made a cup of tea
No va-va-va-voom
Still sitting here now 
Not sure what to do
Stuck for ideas
Not a fucking clue
Oh, hang on a mo
One has come in now
Nope Wonderstuff lyrics
"The size of a cow"
I'm trying too hard

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Fox News got an expert in

to tell them about terror

he said he had some beans to spill

and then he made this error

if you ever needed evidence

his analysis is cracked

he told them Birmingham’s gone Muslim

it’s a #foxnewsfact


he’s seen the Mecca Bingo halls

and put two and two together

then come up with 5, or 39,

he’s really not that clever

he thinks Aston’s...

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fox newsbirminghamnewscomedyislamwest midlands.

Warning To All Flying Insects!

Gossamer-silk strands wove into artwork, 
Hung on bramble, glistening with morning dew, 
Frail as a whisper, destroyed by one rainfall 
And the artist must start his creation anew.

But don't be fooled by its delicacy! 
The web holds a license to kill 
Its grip of death with embrace you 
And its Monster, concealed, lurks in shadows, so still. 

So when dancing, nonchalant, through the ai...

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Growing Old Disgracefully

When I grow old I don’t want to be the typical idea of elderly,
I want to grow old disgracefully and drive all my carers crazy,
I’ll swing from the chandeliers, I’ll overfill the bath,
Then blame it on my dementia whilst I stand there and laugh.   I want to climb the rafters and play hide and seek,
I never want my bones to grow old, frail and weak,
I want to make the children laugh and ...

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Anthony R M AndrewsComedyGrowing OldOld Age

The Ballad Of The Artful Dodger


J Roger Platt, insignificant chap

Had an ordinary sort of employ

But his wife was a martyr to his penchant for barter –

DIY’s what he used to enjoy

What he couldn’t do with an old tube of glue

And a short piece of string or a tack

Wasn’t worth wr...

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the cuckoo waltz

the cuckoo waltz


two men

dancing  around

each other

their movement

smooth and fluid



where the others

feet, hands, eyes,

words, gestures,

will land

one will lead

then the other

a steady



of fool, clown,

idiot, hero

a knowing look

a fleeting glance

of shame


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comedydanceold moviesoliver hardyslapstickstan laurelthe cuckoo waltz

Make it a date with Ralph Killey

Make it a date at 8pm this Thursday with The PENNY LANE POET Vinyl Bar 88-90 Lark Lane

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Liverpool poetryLiverpoolLive Musiccomedy

Make it a date at 8pm

Make it a date at 8pm this THURSDAY with Sophie Anderson @VinylLarkLane

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Liverpool poetrycomedyLive Music

Make a date with Pros and Coms

Hi Everybody,

Hope you can join us an entertaining evening of Comedy, Poetry and Live Music this Thursday at 8pm at Vinyl Bar, Lark Lane.  Admission is FREE.


Acts Include:

Liverpool  Acoustic Songwriter of the Year- Vanessa Murray








Talented Wordsmith – Reece Goldstrein











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LiverpoolcomedyPoetryLive MusicThursday


Hi Everybody

Im very excited  not only because its 2 DAYS TILL PROS & COMS but also we have hot water comedy's finest Paul Smith joining us. other guest include Stephen L Smith and Denis Joe

show starts at 8pm see you there. 88-90 lark lane, aigburth L17 8UU.

and its still free

Paul In action



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Team GUM at Riff Awards/Riff News

Team GUM are taking on the Riff Awards.

Step 1.

Like the Riff page here:

Step 2.

Send an email to:

Put forward Kris Fogg for BEST NEWCOMER.

Put forward Ushiku Crisafulli for BEST NON MUSICAL ENTERTAINER.

You'll see us both repping Riff at RIFF SURVIVAL SUNDAY - MARCH 31st


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RiffRiff AwardsRiff Survival SundaySurvivalSundayRockMusicComedySpoken WordHip HopCountryVarietyAwardsIndependent MusicIndependentLocal ArtistsLocalArtistsMusiciansKris FoggKrisFoggUshikuUshiku CrisafulliThe Five Faces of Fulli

Feria - A Spanish Comedy

Feria - A Spanish Comedy by N.E. David made it as our first ebook. This is a lovely book in the wonderful tradition of Clochmerle but set in Spain rather than very rural France. It has all the ingredients, Fiesta, Terrorism, Paella, Love, Lust, lashings of booze, and cracking good read.

To buy in the UK visit

To buy in the US visit

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Save £2 on my book - 'Your Sax Is On Fire'

My book - 'Your Sax Is On Fire' is now an incredible £3.99 when you type SAFIRE into the discount code box on

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Fashion Womble

I am a fashion womble, ‘cause I like to find

clothes that the everyday folk leave behind

in charity shops. They’ve got quite a range

the vintage, the bargain, the oddball and strange:


Chenille turtlenecks that are falling to pieces,

stonewashed Wranglers with turn-ups and creases,

a Hellbunny dress that won’t fit round the middle,

a gabardine coat that smells s...

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Love is The Stig

They say romance can sweep a girl from off her feet

but you lift yours with a tut as I hoover underneath

then mash the volume button till all that we can hear


It’s Clarkson on Top Gear.

As they load each other’s rides with anvils for racing in the Bahamas

it’s the televisual progeny of Jeremy Beadle and Judith Chalmers.

Only WE ...

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Jolly Fun (with apologies to Charles Causley)

I saw a jolly hunter

In the jolly sun

With his jolly mistress

Having jolly fun.


Kissed his jolly mistress

On the jolly lips;

She wrapped her jolly legs

Round his jolly hips.


Hunter jolly eager -

Jolly cares gone.

Forgot jolly safety catch

Not jolly on.


Jolly mistress laughed as she

Jolly hunter rode;

Bang went jolly hunte...

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Funny Onion

This onion could make any

man, woman or child cry...

but not with malcontent maliciousness.

No, tears of joy and laughter

bellow like church bells or sumo gongs

from the eyes of his audience.


He is without arms or legs,

he's carried on stage

whilst carrying the audience

on his shoulders... if he had any.


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Fed and Mavis On Their Travels

There’s a tropical isle, Gran Canaria,

Famed for sun, sea and sand –

Mavis and Fred flew over,

To escape Lancashire’s cold winter land.

Mavis said, “Eee, ‘tis hot in these woolly tights,

Let’s find summer shorts that flatter me bum

Throw away beiges and blacks,

Colour up, like the sky and the sun!”

She returned like a red hibiscus

(And that were only her face...

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