I am a fashion womble, ‘cause I like to find

clothes that the everyday folk leave behind

in charity shops. They’ve got quite a range

the vintage, the bargain, the oddball and strange:

Chenille turtlenecks that are falling to pieces,

stonewashed Wranglers with turn-ups and creases,

a Hellbunny dress that won’t fit round the middle,

a gabardine coat that smells s...

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They say romance can sweep a girl from off her feet

but you lift yours with a tut as I hoover underneath

then mash the volume button till all that we can hear

is ALL SCOUSERS LOVE TO NICK HUB CAPS.

It’s Clarkson on Top Gear.

As they load each other’s rides with anvils for racing in the Bahamas

it’s the televisual progeny of Jeremy Beadle and Judith Chalmers.

Only WE ...

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