It’s All Kicked Off.......

it’s all kicked off down at the zoo
absolute chaos, a proper to-do
when it all started, it was really quite small
when a boy in a pushchair just squeezed a ball
he didn’t mean to do it, it’s just it was there
all round and pink and covered in hair
they bobbed past him at just the right height
so he grabbed a handful and held them quite tight
he wiggled his fingers and gave them a tweak

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The Circle of Life

I know we didn’t click when we first met
I wasn’t just playing hard to get 
previous partnerships were hard to ignore
false dawns I’d visited many times before
at first my pulse rate you didn’t raise
until I felt your tight embrace
sending both of my knees  all weak
from your light touch across my cheeks
we’ve had good times, we’ve had bad
experienced both happiness and sad
victories tha...

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Same Sh*t, Different Day

standing there silent, feet on the ground
in a world of my own whilst folk rush around
in every direction, this seething throng
is it just me, am I in the wrong
am I the only one in this crowd
not making a noise but wanting to shout
and scream at those that are nearby
I shrug my shoulders, let out a sigh
all going to the office, a corporate ideal
sterile surroundings, same look and feel

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the world awakes most mornings
and the news is always black
the newsreader is commenting
on another violent attack
another poor soul's been murdered
in search of another cause
it's always religion or politics
that starts the numerous wars
all in the name of religion
it makes my blood run cold
how can people do this?
how can they be so bold
spouting ideologies
they never seem to pause

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The American Dream

the gun’s the ruler on the street

a right to bare the sheep preach

tyres screech, a siren sounds

another discharge of several rounds

as another life just ebbs away

a sad commodity of life today

adding to the grim statistics

of lives eroded by ballistics

guns are easy to obtain

to commit a family to the pain

of the taking of another's life

of a parent, child, husban...

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innocently standing in line with
bearded hipsters and normal folk
when I heard something said
and assumed it was a joke
it sounded ridiculous
as ridiculous as can be
it made no sense
it was all Chinese to me
yet all these words
were in a language I knew
but this nonsense sentence
out of his mouth did spew
the wise sage nodded
across the counter top
never asking him to repea...

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It's Drying Day Today

It's Drying Day Today.

Quick shut the door and turn the dial, set it on its way
I've looked outside the weathers grand, it's drying day today.
little bubbles form and burst as the clothes toss and tumble
then there is the fast spin cycle, oh, how the washer rumbles
it does a dance from side to side, then it's back and forth
it's left black marks across the lino, where it's little feet expl...

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I'll Get My Coat

I'll Get My Coat

The weather girls sang "it's raining men"
but not here, it's just raining. Again
Just pissing down with bloody rain
gallons of water, down the drain.
When will it stop? Who bloody knows
I wish it was winter, it might have snowed,
a light drizzle would make a change
instead of this heavy, driving rain.
The housebound dog with full bladder
won't go out but watches the sp...

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Weatherbritish summer

Budgie Smugglers

budgie smugglers

my body is a temple
a temple of doom
I'm going on my holidays
and going very soon

I need to get in shape
by going to the gym
and cutting out biscuits
in order to get slim

my belly is not really fat
it's just a little round
and I can still see my feet
as I look down at the ground

I seem to have moobs
which I was unaware
possibly a b cup
nestling amongst the ...

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Counting Sheep

Counting Sheep

Tick followed tock followed tick followed tock
Like the mechanical heartbeat of Big Ben's time clock
Except this one is small and its wrapped round my wrist
Mechanically timing every toss, every turn, every bodily twist
And as it ticks and it tocks it’s giving me strife
a metronome counting down to the end of my life
But the second hand doesn't tick it gracefully sweeps

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Digital Distraction


The mobile phone is a wonderful thing

Thousands of melodies for when it rings

Which seems to be less and less these days

As it’s more of a gadget for you to play

Candy Crush Saga or update Facebook

Or take it from your pocket for a cursory look

To see if you’ve got any notifications

That you had not noticed through subtle vibrations

It rules the roost, the bane of your...

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On The Edge

It sits there lurking at the back of your mind

Waiting for that moment when it comes from behind

Whatever emotion you’ve just come through

Pushing past thoughts in an orderly queue

The blackness of thought, the start of a spiral

Generating negativity before going viral

It just takes one thing to push you over the edge

And there you stand on a precipice, on a ledge

Not in th...

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Male Bonding

Football is a game, played in two halves

identifiable by factions wearing coloured scarves

either round the neck in a conformist style

or tied round the wrist like a 70’s exile.

The weekly gathering of like minded folk

and tribal instincts that it evokes

generating emotion in the assembled masses

that transcends barriers and social classes

For 90 minutes they’re all the sam...

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Christmas Dinner

It's Christmas Day and you're stressed as fuck

'Cos all of the dinner you've still to cook

The bastard turkey refuses to defrost

The plot is gone, somewhere it's lost

It's been in the sink under the tap

The giblets are out and are staring back

It's as hard as fuck, it's as hard as ice

So into the garage and into the vice

Take the hacksaw in your hand

Feeling the urge of ...

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Hats Off To The Creatives

I once thought I’d be different

And write a poem that didn’t rhyme

It's much harder than I thought

I failed, time after time


You know the poems that I mean

Random lines and free flow text

Never knowing what direction

The writer takes you next


These creative types just rattle it off

But my brain's not that way inclined

I'd like to be less restrictive

But I...

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If Only........

If only I could do so much more than sitting here writing,

Across the world, both near and far people are fighting,

Fighting for their lives, fighting for their rights

Fighting the elements to have somewhere to sleep tonight

Across the print and tv media the only thing you see

Are decimated wastelands and people trying to flee

From war torn self destruction and political tyranny


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On the thirteenth of November

All the news turned black

Occurring all over in Paris

Had been terrorist attacks

Many people had been murdered

Whilst enjoying a night out

Starting with conviviality 

Ending with screams and shouts

All in the name of religion

It made my blood run cold

How can people do this?

How can they be so bold?

Young people with sugge...

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If I Could Speak The Truth

I can't believe what you're asking whilst standing there in the dock,
For clemency, from this bench, whose justice you're trying to mock
You're standing there large as life having regaled your tale
Expecting me to grant your wish, but justice, its not for sale
You know that this can't be good, as you're handcuffed to a guard
It's easy for me with my pronouncements on a card
The sentence that...

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Hidden In Plain Sight

They move silently amongst us

Their cards held close to their chest

Never letting down their guard

These full-time sexual pests


They have no redeeming features

Nothing extraordinary, to be fair

No sign of a dirty mac

No slicked back greasy hair


They blend in to the background

Sit quietly in the park

Waiting for that moment

Early evening, just before dark


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Snatched Thoughts


As I bathe in the afternoon sun
I sit upon my chair
Beads of sweat upon my head
Where there had been hair
Sat alone with my thoughts
I do without a care.
Sitting here very still
I'm aware of my surrounds
Bees, wasps and other insects
Busily buzzing around
Some birds and an aircraft
Are the only other sounds.
My mind thinks of destinations

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Midnight Manoeuvres

Midnight Manoeuvres
It's the middle on the night
And as I gently sleep
A person is moving
They silently creep
With feather light footsteps
In through the door
The carpet muffling 
Footsteps on the floor
They reach a standstill
By the side of the bed
A shadowy figure 
That moment of dread
Open one eye slowly
To take a quick peek
Who c...

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One Man, One Voice

One Man, One Voice.

Today's the day
Politicians take note
That we go to the polls
To cast our vote
I have some thoughts
On this very subject
Some may agree
Whilst others object
"A vote for me"
"Is a vote for change"
Do I look like I'm
Mentally deranged?
There's nothing you can do
Thats not already set out
By the previous government
You have no c...

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politicsgeneral election


Standing there silently
Just having a wee
Staring at the wall
‘Cos there's nothing to see
Just wiggling it about
To alter the stream
Peace and tranquility
Is not what it seems
There’s ying and yang 
And other forces at play
The imps are at work
Set to ruin your day
It starts at that moment
When the bladders half empty
Half ...

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ComedyToiletBawdy humour

Put It Away

Put It Away
The time is upon us
When the sun comes out
Inhibitions change
Of that, there's no doubt
Like the flick of a switch
Deep inside the brain
When the weather moves
To sun from the rain
It affects everyone
From the fit to the fat
Questions respectability
Can't comprehend that
The men and women
Are both equally bad
Displaying t...

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Grandma, You'll Always Be Here

Grandmas are always there,
They're like your parents
But no hundred yard stare
They give you biscuits 
And ruffle your hair
Grandmas are always there
Grandmas are always fair
"I didn't do it"
"Not me, I wasn't there"
Then it's all forgotten 
With ne'er a care
Grandmas are always fair
Grandmas, they always care
From a big fat lip
To a hospital sca...

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Pringles' Bladder

Pringles' Bladder
You know what it's like 
Enjoying a beer
The company of mates
Cracking atmosphere
It's a great first pint
You knock it back
And get another in
Whilst enjoying the craic
The drinks just flow
As the night goes on
Round after round
Has been and gone
But your bladder is filling
With the fifth drink
But a trip to the toi...

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Pissed 'n' Broke

Lairy teenage louts
Spotty young offenders
Spend all their time
Going on benders
With cider pilfered
From a local store
Nicked Regal Kingsize
Shared once more
They collect together
On waste ground
To trash a moped
Someone 'just found'
Chained up behind
A garden gate
The owner not yet
Realising their fate
Their humble transport
Will be rev'd to d...

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Humoursocial commentary

A Bit More Choke And The Car Would Have Started

This is a problem
That affects the masses
The quick release
Of intestine gases
But how do we get
To this situation?
It starts in the mouth
With mastication
A mouthful of food
A taste sensation
You chew and you chomp
Gastro delectation
One final chew
Before you swallow
Eye up your plate
Another forkful to follow
Then into th...

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Partly Political Broadcast


Campaign season yet again
Booted, suited women and men
The time of party politics
People delivering rhetoric
Schmoozing, smarmy, politicos
Kiss babies heads, why who knows?
Press all the flesh that they can find
Of people whose views align
Tense photo opportunities
Results in passive immunity 
Scenarios are composed
For those with views juxtaposed

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Writer's Block

Need to get started
Got so much to write
Put pen to paper
Just keep writing shite
I've tried all the tricks
Walked round the room
Made a cup of tea
No va-va-va-voom
Still sitting here now 
Not sure what to do
Stuck for ideas
Not a fucking clue
Oh, hang on a mo
One has come in now
Nope Wonderstuff lyrics
"The size of a cow"
I'm trying too hard

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Sign Of The Times

We know who they are
We see them all around
Constantly shuffle their feet
Ugg's never leave the ground
They wear baggy hoodies
To hide the rolls of fat
But give them a second glance
“Oi, what you looking at?”
“You can’t afford these”
Is normally their opening line
Whilst jiggling their tits
But you’re not really inclined
“Are you gay or summat?”
“I’m as fit a...

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black humourpathos

Bunfight At The Kerbside Corral


She stands at the kerbside
It's what she does best
Stopping the traffic
In her high vis vest 
She scans all around
Through silted eyes
Never once blinking
Sight set on the prize
A battle of wills
Is the name of the game
Everyday is different
Yet always the same
She rocks too and fro
On the balls of her feet
Sideways glances
Up and do...

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Spirit Of Christmas


Christmas fun, christmas cheer
It comes around every year
Presents, tree and food to buy,
It's more expensive, the questions why?
Smellies for mum, a tie for dad,
What about the kids? Let's not go mad.
Christmas morning kids awake
Bleary eyed parents their beds vacate
Christmas wrapping torn to shreds
Whilst sensible folk are still in bed 
Who bought that for who...

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Fuck it, I’m indecisive

I need to make a decision
And make it fucking quick
A matter life or death
It’s making me feel sick
It’s really not that hard
This thing I need to do
A very simple choice
Number one or number two
I see the merits of both
From my view on the fence
I must fall on one side
Before I can recommence
They’re starting to get painful
These splinters in ...

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