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Packedy-Pack I’m Packing

I went on holiday

so I thought I’d pack

I put in my head

I’d be needing that

 

I packed my arm

because where’s the harm

 

so too my toes

not forgetting my face

oh, my other arm too

went into the case

 

better take my legs and feet

they’re important indeed

 

I added my hips

and my ‘you know what’

well you never know

I might need it or not

...

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nonsensesillyfunnyfunhumour

Lee Dixon’s Cliche Cabinet

When Lee Dixon opens his cliche cabinet,

We’re havin' it.

 

It was a game of two halves

The lad’s put in a shift

You couldn’t write this script, that’s a gift

Get in there my son, go on my boy

The phrases flow, sucked of joy

 

He pulls rabbits from hats

With consummate ease

He’s a mangled mouthed magician

Can’t you see?

 

His left foot’s just for standing ...

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humoursatiremediafootballcommentators

A Monster

In this dungeon, dreary and rank
With surgeons tools, hooks and saws
And bits of animals, teeth and claws
A slab of old marble covered in blood
With needle and thread to sew if I could

In this dungeon,  dark and dank
With power and coils and much electricity
I'll strive to create life in my eccentricity
Limbs put together not quite in place
The brain is quite small, I've left too much s...

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Dark monstershumour

Rushed Holiday

Friday at last, speed home from work
The flights tomorrow, few drinks a perk
It's that time, hurray! it's come round at last
But now i'll have to pack and make it fast
I'll pull the cases from the loft space
Unzipped and clean, put ready in place
I open the drawers and tip out all the clothes
Where's my favorite T shirt, God only knows
Three shirts, a tie! A jacket quite light
Not w...

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Humourholidaystressrushingfamily

Bungalow Dreaming

I’ve got my eye on a bungalow

now I’m ageing fast and living slow

not much to do, nowhere to go

A remote-controlled garage door

An en-suite on the ground floor

These are the things I’m looking for

My rosy afterglow

 

I’ve got my eye on a bungalow

Where I can unwind, go with the flow

Touch the roof it’s only low

A resin drive that’s easy to clean

No moss, no weed...

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satiresocial satirehumoursuburbiaAgeing

The Eternal Flame

Two stones banged together 
To create a misplaced spark
Forget about the weather
Never mind the dark
Harnessing that fire
Gave Neanderthals a thrill
They could build a funeral pyre
And keep out the Ice Age chill

Down countless generations 
The flame remained intact
As in various locations 
Wood was splintered, split and stacked
By Maasai on the Kenyan Plains
In Uluru’s mystic glow
...

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humoursatiresocial satiresummersuburbia

Ode to Lemon Meringue Pie

Teetering on the platter

A treat for human senses

It’s food to make you fatter

Crushing all of your defences

 

Its snowy dunes and hollows

Of flouncy sweet meringue

Are made for ample swallows

Of dessert sturm und drang

 

Ignore it at your peril

Its appeal you can’t deny

When hunger makes you feral

Reach for lemon meringue pie

 

Its gaudy citrus layer

...

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humourfooddessertsode

The Poets' Ball

In a castle on a promontory above a rocky cliff

As the sun sinks down the poets come to carouse and rhyme and riff

Chaucer riding on a dappled horse escorts the Wife of Bath

Johnny Clark smokes with Betjeman who complains about the staff

Shakespeare’s musing in the corner

Working out an obstinate sonnet

Emily Dickinson hides shyly in her cloak and starched white bonnet

Donne, ...

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humourEnglish LiteratureRomanticscastlessea themed poems

Road Rage

The bike are riding two by two 

Hurrah hurrah 

The bikes are riding two by two 

Hurrah hurrah 

The bikes are riding two by two 

It’s the Highway Code, but I own the road 

So Ill just keep driving on 

 

The bikes are now riding three by three 

Oh shite oh shite 

The bikes are now riding three by three 

Oh shite oh shite 

The bikes are riding three by three

As ...

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roadragedrivingbicycleshumourfunnypoemsong

The Greatest Trick The Devil Ever Pulled is convincing the world he doesn’t exist

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled 

Is making the world believe he doesn’t  exist 

 

I don’t know why but I don’t agree 

Let me explain I have an idea you see 

Conspiracy theories is fuel for his flames 

Brexit, traffic jams and gossip entertain… 

His hoards and minions cheer and go wild 

All waiting for the day that Johnson’s defiled 

With a rod up his buttocks fo...

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devilhumourpoliticsrudepoembrexit

The Greatest Ever…. Cup and Ball Trick

The trick of the cup and ball 

Starts with a vanish and reappearance

From oranges, lemons and even a baseball

Teleport to a cup, that the audience cheer 

The magicians face says it all 

No wonder magic is a great career 

 

But instead of stopping he continues the act 

As he is now handcuffed, bound and strapped.

He repeats the words that makes himself... vanish once more...

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magiccupandballtrickpoetryhumourShort Funny Poems

Wonka Land

Wonka land 

 

Have you seen the land of chocolate 

Just £35 from your own wallet 

Promises of wonkas factory delight

But actually it’s a cooperate warehouse of shite 

Ompa lumpars are large not tiny 

I look and stare and think christ almighty. 

 

Is it not Wonkaland? but another place 

As I think of an excuse to this disgrace

Willy Wonkas now here and he’s complete...

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wonkalandwonkapoetryhumournews

Skeletons Tell Terrible Jokes

Skeletons Tell Terrible Jokes

 

Zombies shuffled aimlessly with heads tipped to one side

The phantoms rattled chains and flung transparent cloaks out wide

The vampires swooped theatrically as they are wont to do

And ghoulish forms materialised in pools of dipping goo

 

“Wait everyone,” the skeleton interrupted, “I’ve got a joke

 

Spectres paled spectacularly, their colou...

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humourchildren's poetrycomic verse

If Dogs Were Made World Leaders

If dogs were made world leaders

There would be no futile wars

And laws and treaties would be signed

With inky prints of paws

 

Chihuahuas and Alsatians

Would respect each other’s space

There’d be no United Nations

Just a favourite sniffing place

 

Summit sessions would be held

In playing fields or parks

With flashing collars de rigeur

For meetings after dar...

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humoursatireSocial Observationspolitical satiredogs

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