i want to work on myself

what kind of work do i need?

am i a car stranded in the middle of nowhere,

waiting until the mechanic comes, only to pass me by

am i an equation, frows burrowed in deep thought

an excuse for the mathematician to silently slip away

am i a philosophical question, everyone has a different opinion

that they will rarely ever voice, for when they do it echoe...

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memories light my heart to start again

warmth in my veins like medicine

i open the door, gaze at my collection

candles in every crevice and corner

my house is overrun with light

but i am warm

so i let it burn

candles on my nightstand flicker

as i dream of fire consuming me

and awake to see the light i kept too close

fell during slumber, catching every other glow

i...

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which will break?

first my soul, then my voice

i wait outside the door and hear laughter

the good kind, this time

for a second, i see my reflection

in all of them standing together

until i remind myself not to be too hopeful

i meet all of them, wishing to be in their frames

but there’s been a change of plans, they say

CRAACK.

first my soul, then my voice

it’s just...

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Dance openly, if stressed 

Record yourself speaking nonsense, gibberish and pointless 

 

Take rest, relax, and unwind

Cry out loud, let emotions shine

 

Don't hesitate, let shouts resound

Don't overthink, let feelings abound

 

Make yourself weep, then sleep peacefully

Don't put yourself down, just be wild and free

 

Be your own clown, with heart aglow

Embrace...

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The feeling comes gnawing, gnashing, crashing into me from within, a reminder of the things I lack, the things I could have been.

The thought of failure torments me, slashing, stabbing, holding onto my heart, a reminder of those who always thought that I was just playing an imaginary part.

The pain comes sharply, sneakily, forcing my mind into behaving, a reminder of the moments I have lost ...

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In the fair of emotions, I lose my way
Among fruits and laughter, a mystery at play
Your eyes, like ripe avocados, invite me to peel
To take a chance, to discover what’s real

I want to know what love is
If it’s samba on sidewalks or a sorrowful fizz
Is it dancing in rain or a dream that won’t last?
A wish for the future, a tie to the past?

The clock ticks away, but my heart skips a bea...

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I lobe u

You know this

The feeling is strong

Even if the spelling is wrong

 

My tiny stubby fingers

Take little time to linger

Over the disproportionate keys

Stubbing along with a head full of bees

 

You ask what I lobe best

As if I'm not up to the test

But my lengthy gaze tells you

It's me that sees you

Especially when the words arrive late

 

I lobe...

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Emotions are a funny thing

They work in mysterious ways

 

Sometimes it's hard to keep up with the tides 

Other times we learn to surf the waves

 

Anger feels like being set on fire 

But no one else can see the flames 

 

Sadness flows like a river 

Or it can pour down like rain

 

Happiness can feel like a ray of warm light 

Glowing through our veins

 

We...

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Wearing a smile, but it's just a show, 

Loneliness whispers, won't let go.

In the crowd's noise, a silent plea, 

Heartache murmurs, longing to be free.

 

Behind laughter's mask, a tale untold, 

Loneliness unfolds, a story unfolds. 

They feed on tears, a bitter taste,

In solitude's grasp, emotions embraced.

 

Moving with shadows, the soul steps back,

Loneliness stay...

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They reach me,

And,

I give them my all,

Yet after that,

They leave me Alone.

They will come back,

Once again, for sure,

With a different face,

A different name,

A new personality,

All along,

And once again,

I will give them my all,

Will they, this time

Stay by my side?

I don't know,

But that's how Trust works,

That's how Life works.

 

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I can be Warm,

As Fire,

Or Cold,

As Ice,

Flexible like Water,

Or Rigid as Stone,

 

I can be,

As simple as Joy,

Or complicated as Rage,

Worse as Fear,

Wounding,

Or Beautiful as Love,

Comforting.

 

I can be Anything,

I can be Everything,

Everything,

Depends on You.

-N 

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Hai nahin aasaan phir bhee,
doobana mujhe aa gaya.

beech dariya door hai,
main to kinaare aa gaya.

chamachamaate-timatimaate
hain khilaune haath mein.

kyon hai udaas phir bhee vo?
jaroor koee baat hai.

jal raha hai ghar vo usaka,
bas roshanee use dikh rahee.

kya mila hai isako aisa?
kyon yoon muskura raha?

jaroor koee baat hai,
jaroor koee baat hai?

- Jitendra Suryavans...

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Displayed on my dentist office wall, "A smile is a whisper of a laugh"

I quietly sit there in intending doom

It is meant to be a soothing thought

While screaming seeping from another room

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There are days

Where my emotions

Consume me

Like they are engorging

Themselves upon a

Seven course meal

 

And sometimes

They preserve me 

Like they are slowly

Methodically

Slurping down a bowl of cereal

On a lazy spring morning

 

Today is not a lazy spring morning

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We go through life trying to fulfill

By feeling full

It’s easy to live in comfort and abundance

But maybe you drown,

Don’t live

And you just exist

Strip away luxury…

Could you be with just yourself,

And basic needs?

With only your thoughts for company?

Because we go through life trying to fulfill

By feeling full

We consume with our mouths

Pack, squeeze, cram...

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During moments of purity
I find my chest tight
The familiar feel of panic
As I wonder how long it will last
Pressure building
Like an elephant 
Placing its foot upon my center
These moment of purity
Are not always happy
But sometimes they can be
When the raw feelings build up
Yet they don't come out
Almost trapped
Inside of the vault of my body
And I forgot the passcode
They scream ...

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Today I sit here in my car, trying to hold back tears, trying to stay strong

A teacher....

Teach your students colors,shapes, letters, numbers, teach them about life, and now keep them safe from guns

Today I sit here in my car, trying to hold back tears, trying to stay strong, remember you are a teacher

Teach your students to not be afraid, yet in your heart you know the world is again...

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Charade

Is my confusion an illusion
Is my mind just playing games
All the demons and the monsters
Quick enough to lay the blame
Many questions left unanswered
And many answers make no sense
My only coping mechanism
Is self destruction or self defense
On the outside I may look happy
But I’m crumbling inside
All the feelings and emotions
Just so much easier to hide
If the lock could b...

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A sheltered soul is not soulful.

He’s hidden with worry and exhaustion.

Because the thought of pursuing is tiring,

Is damning,

Is embarrassing.

In a space that is too wide

There’s too much interpretation for the open.

So instead he closes himself softly,

Harshly.

He’s never been told.

He’s never been asked.

He’s never known that a sheltered soul is not soulful.

...

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A single tear or multitude, what do they mean? Do they serve a purpose? no reason can be seen. A tear drop is so small but expresses emotions from deep inside, Of which most women are in touch with, while men run and hide. So who is the stronger sex, one that shows her true passion, Or he who holds it back in some macho fashion. I was there for many years, more of a man if I did not ...

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If I bled out in front of you
would you finally see the goodness in me?
What will it take to resurrect the person I am inside from the hollows of your eyes?
I'm suffocating at the pressure of you obligatory love
confined by propriety and severed from my spirit
Cant you see my fingers turning blue?
Cant you hear my desperate gasps?
These tortured lungs’ salvation lies in one breath of forgiv...

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I’ve been sitting on the precipice of this

For a while

Unsure how to express my feelings

When I don’t know what I feel

You see 

I’m hysterically nonreactive 

I’m worryingly unworried 

A switch 

From nothing to everything 

Because - like Whitman -

I contain multitudes

Many great thrashing waves

Like creatures 

They slip through nets

Can’t be caught 

They...

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If there was a shop selling skeins
Of all the emotions people need,
All at different prices to reflect
The value these things usually collect...

Then Joy and Laughter would be prized,
There'd be lots in stock to entice
Customers into the store
Of that we can be sure.

And Hope and Ambition, in various conditions,
All to be there for those who need,
Amongst the store of many other thin...

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Her universe was split into a mass of struggles and compressed emotions within an sunken space. 

The collisions of depression and anxiety grew stronger forming dark energy made up of misery; it’s high density crushed happiness quicker than the speed of light.

There were once stars in her eyes, shone brighter than any quasars, but it burned away creating the black hole in her being, leaving...

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Imagine all the paths that we
Might take from where we are.
Those that keep us local.
Those that take us far.

Imagine going round in circles
Or off tangentially.
Think of trekking to a mountain
Or travelling overseas.

Imagine all the sights and sounds,
The people we might find.
The things we haven't done yet.
The places left behind.

Imagine now the path of air
From breathing in ...

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When I’m sad the sun sets and clouds roll in

When I’m sad the world’s cold and grey

Rain lashing down

With its somber, lonely sound

When I’m sad the worlds not okay

 

When I’m angry and annoyed the storm rages on

When I’m angry clouds beat on their chest

Sharp light in the skies

Piercing through my closed eyes

When I’m angry I simply can’t rest

 

When I’m afraid...

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He looks out of the open window 

at the end of the street,

cold and grey it seems like melancholy 

& there she stands afar

calm and still,

like the depths of the ocean waters;

 

as the time slips and the 

night sky drops on this world,

the moon shines bright as ever 

envied, as it looks at her glaring eyes,

radiating without the help of another star 

like firefl...

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kite and boy

 

a paper kite

flutters in the wind

making wonderful sounds

back to the boy holding

the end of the string

 

kite dips and smiles

at boy and dances

little jigs as its string

is held taut

boy smiles back

 

a strong wind begins to blow

kite string breaks with a snap

startled boy looks up

and sees kite start to

fly in erratic patterns ...

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There is no need

to set your poem to the music of the heart, or let it sway

to the rhythms of the hurt, at least for today.

 

There is no need

for you to panic, or dive into the pyre of rhyme

Burn later, if you will, but for now, wait out your time.

 

Let it corrupt a little, breathe in the zones unlit

Break and crumble, and feed on itself, bit by bit.

 

For you se...

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Thunderstorms
Running through my head
Rumbles getting louder
Scared things might be said
Hide away in a closet
Because the sound is so loud
Hide from the truth
Because the truths not allowed
Thunderbolts they are striking
Flashbacks of a lad
A childhood in silence
Adolescence was sad
But storms they get stronger
They gain strength with time
The rain is now pouring
I’ve a hurricane m...

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Trying hard to save me
Fighting hard to stay
Sorting through the feelings
That never go away
I may look harder from the outside
But no-one sees the me within
Cuz if they saw for just one moment
They would see I’m crumbling
 

I need help to get me through
Another day of feeling blue
Of feeling weak, I’m not that strong
Of feeling who I am is wrong
But I’ll get through
I know it’s tr...

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She was trying

Trying to be calm

Trying to mute the

Monologue inside her mind.

 

Full of contradictions to herself,

Full of arguments

Full of endless thoughts

 

She felt like being pulled

In a spiral

Down and down and down

With each breath she took

Swallowing her own soul

 

As if she split up

Into two halves

Halves against each other

She was he...

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I'm so sick of my spinning thoughts

Up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down

Ecstasy, melancholy, wistful wanderlust, crippling fear, I know no other method.

I want to love, I want to grow, but my body and mind are barely crawling forward, their muscles aching, their breath ragged. 

There's only one constant that fills my being.

Exhausted. Exhausted. Exhausted.

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I would be lying if i say I didn’t miss you

Because deep inside i know i did

 

You were the love of my live

But soon I realised it was best to let you go 

 

Pain was piercing my soul with each passing day

And it was time for me to say my last goodbyes to you

 

It’s been two years and 

Life has been good lately no pain no sorrow

But deep inside the thought of you st...

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I was reading a story

When i felt a sudden spark of pain in my heart

I was feeling like someone was piercing needles deep inside my soul

It was unbearable and tears were rolling down 

I closed my eyes, it was all dark

And then i saw you

I tried opening my eyes but I couldn’t 

Because deep inside I still wanted to see you for maybe one last time even when nothing was real 

B...

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Sometimes even when everything is right

Nothing feels right 

 

Everything is complete 

But deep down all you feel is emptiness  

 

Your life is going smooth 

But all you feel is sadness

 

You’re happy 

But all you do is cry

 

You don’t know the reason

But all you feel is pain enduring you

 

You don’t want to give up

But all you do is losing hope

 

...

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A REALLY BAD DAY

I got up really early, the sun was in the sky
I thought "i'll do the laundry,i'm bound to get it dry,
 
I sorted out the lights and darks, and put the first load in
It washed it and it rinsed it, but then refused to spin.

In anger and frustration, I opened up the door
the water left the washing and drowned the kitchen floor.

I went to make a coffee and the kettle b...

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All I see is a mist of darkness,
With nowhere to thread my feet in,
In World where there is absence of kindness,
I see a light of hope so thin.
I can’t go on; my body and my soul are giving in,
There’s no fire in belly to seek reasons for my quest,
With efforts and motivation of my kith and kin,
Now, I go along the path where the birds fly in the air so clean.
Then, I arrive at the gates o...

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I have a  really little child inside me who wants her all the time and if she don't get it she cause all kinds of emotional havoc and chaos.           She wants to center of the attention all the time and if she not.                   She do best to make me misable.  So I try to tell her everyday.                    That she is in loving way that I am in charge and not her.                        ...

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Beautifully Broken

People surround me but inside I stand in solitude. I have slowly become victim to the sickness parade giving it way to ravage my passion and spirit.  

Despair clutches my soul tightly in her hand creating a continuum of anguish and relentless torture.  My vices allow her to slumber, but soon she wakes refreshed with the energy of a young fawn on an early spring day.  She a...

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Feelings

I never like to be ANGRY as it is an awful feeling.

As often we do regretful things when all tempers hit the ceiling.

Because after that YOU might be the one who ends up getting blamed!

And then it may be YOU who feels the GUILT or SHAME!

 

I never like to feel BORED and have all my interests unoccupied.

Where we find we cannot doing anything whether we have or haven'...

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Could I but harbour a feeling,

Tie it down so it wouldn't escape.

Could I but box in a sensation

And wrap it in sticky tape.

 

Could I but enjoy working,

Then I would appreciate rest.

Could I but feel elation,

Without later becoming depressed.

 

Could I but organise my mind,

Put memories in some sort of order.

Could I but spend all the rest of my days

In exci...

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In the depth of the ocean
darkness surrounding me 
my invisible enemy
lurking in the deepest part of my soul

drowning,
emotions surfacing
faced with only
my own thoughts

my pretty smile
disguising my lies
my tears,
tell a story.

I am, ok!
my favourite line,
while tears
find their way into my heart

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I want to be magic... 
Enchanting, charming, casting spells of delight.. 
I want to be magic.. 
Swirling and shining like a crystal ball of light.. 
I want to be magic.. 
Unearthly, coalesced, in sync with the wider cosmos.. 

I want to be magic.. 
Spinning simple tales of lives, nothing any grandiose.. 
I want to be magic.. 
Absorbing  and enfolding myself  in the soulful poetry
I want...

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Sitting by the river on an old bench behind an abandoned church

Our secret spot for my punk and I to witness the changing season in the colours of the leaves and identifying the signs of the new season where we shared our fears and dreams

Ate junk food and laughed even though the reality of our life was a mess

And I didn’t let it show I told my baby-girl we were on vacation when we were h...

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There is calmness when he is around.. 
An aura of warmth which is so alluring 
A balm of intimacy that pervades and surrounds 
Life is crazy and beautiful in thousand ways.. 
Slowly seeping into the core of my existences
He has filled my darkness with splendid rays
A connect felt so acute even from far off distances 

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They trickle  down ebbing the pain of bygone days..
They celebrate joyous times fervidly
Silent spectators, intensely flowing with craze.. 
They best know my soul and captures it so vividly ..

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So much beauty

so much anger

so much comfort

so much danger

so much hate

so much love

so much push

so much shove

so much warmth

so much cold

so very young

so very old

so much intelligence

so much ignorance

so much despair

so much bliss

I can feel it in your punch but I'd rather it a kiss. 

 

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Love is a noun

                  in the need of finding it,

                  once found, a verb.

 

                  Love is a beast

                  so wild

                  haunting on its prey.

 

                  Love is a drug

                  leading to addiction.

    

                  Love is a novel

                  starting at prologue,

       ...

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Choice Made

This is what I don't like about my parents dying

The awful fucking grief that kills me inside

The knowing I won't see them again in this world

I will have to wait till I cross to the other side

How will I find myself for the rest of my life?

Wondering knowing feeling hating these emotions

And thoughts that have never ever been like this before

It almost feels li...

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