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Mistletoe Mistakes

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They wanted to kiss

Yet missed

With Mistletoe

How could they resist?

What he didn't know

Was he'd stood

On her toe

A short lived bliss

 

All of their hoping

Just turned into hopping!

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Christmasflash fictionhumour

Humour

People have always loved to laugh, 
All around the world from ages past. 
Our humour really varies much, 
And we shall now describe it such.

The sharpest jokes might be called wit. 
Maybe so funny that our sides may split. 
Slapstick oft comes from clumsy action, 
And is meant to receive a loud reaction.

Comedians may tell funny jokes, 
And some amusing anecdotes. 
However, practical...

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HumourJokesStuart Vanner

Cold calling

entry picture

A bit of poetic free styling flash fiction

 

Phone rings

It's him

She recognises

The tone

'Are you alone?'

He moaned

Sounding 

So far away

 

'Please, don't 

Hang up

Stay'

He says

Funny how he never

Called when

He was alive

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bad romanceflash fictionHalloweenhumour

Calculations

entry picture

Calculated mathematicians

Multiply their suspicions

Adding assumptions

While subtracting

Satisfaction

It all sums up

To a

Dramatic divide

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humourjumping to conclusions

My Prescription

Too seriously; I tend in my journey
too easy to focus on the duty
the facts of what’s in hand
the doing of a thing

So precious to see the nonsense
appreciate the humour
the madness
in everything you’re tasked with
by this modern world

So freeing to have a sense of silliness
draw a cock and balls on your mortgage application
scribble a cape and tights across the undertaker’s pamphlet

...

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humourlaughterlifelove

time lasts long in Portugal

Time lasts long in Portugal

 

Got up early had a shower and close shave

Put a white shirt on, bank people like it when

Their clients look prosperous.

My bank is in a nearby town I followed

The coast road has fewer cars a strict speed

The limit is vigorously enforced.

The bank was closed.

A man told me banks are shut on Sundays.

 

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humour

Night 'Shifts' !

Night 'Shifts' !

 

It’s two a.m. (It maybe three).

But far from “Nighty-night!”, for me.

‘Ceiling-gaze’, through gravelled eyes.

I need to rest .... before sunrise.

 

Insomnia?  I’m ‘conscious’ proof.

I may as well re-slate the roof !

Or else, I’d simply rake the lawn

to keep me busy, until dawn.

 

“Pillow-punches”: ‘jumpy’ legs.

“Why can’t I sleep?”, the que...

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humorous poetryhumorous versehumour

'Double' Act!

'Double' Act !

 

In Nineteen Ninety Four,

a young man took the floor

for the television show, “Stars in Their Eyes”!

He was, ‘hips-to-feet’ in plaster

as he struggled out, to master

his new crutches, in a bid to win the prize.

 

The host (then), Matthew Kelly

introduced him on the ‘telly’,

saying “Simon, what a plucky guy you are.

I’ve been told, a year ago,

...

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Dark humourhumorous poetryhumorous versehumour

Old Heads on Young Shoulders!

“Old Heads on Young Shoulders”! 

 

You can’t put old heads on young shoulders!”, they say. 

But I think that I may have come-up with a way, 

involving some sawing - and stitching - and glue

(and a bit of an ‘inclin’, of just what to do!).

 

Yet, if I decided to ‘give it a bash’,

that would leave a ‘spare’ head and a body (to ‘stash’)!

Which seems such a waste of a woman ...

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dark humourhumorous poetryhumorous versehumour

You Cheating Bitch!

 

I remember the day when we first met, the day I made you mine,

our eyes met across a crowded room and I fed you a funny line.

 

"What's a cute thing like you doing in a place like this?" I said,

you came home with me that day and spent the night with me in bed.

 

I considered you my best friend and gave you everything,

I gave you a home, looked after you and took you unde...

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Dogshumour

Coco the Clown

Coco the clown went sailing one day 
to a holiday destination far far away

Suddenly, the sky went dark and the wind did blow
and the waves beneath his boat did grow and grow

He lost his oars as the winds blew and blew
so he paddled his way with his size 50 shoe.

Through a telescope he saw an island far away in the distance
and he made it to shore with his skill and persistence

A gr...

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cannibalClownscocofunny poemhumour

The Lighthouse

I bought a piece of land, for my family and me,
to build a perfect home on a plot beside the sea.
I employed a local Surveyor to help draw up the plans,
to build my family dream house on the beach near ‘Ainsdale Sands’

He came and took some measurements and samples from the plot,
and I asked if he could include the moorings for a yacht.
The Surveyor did recommend a custom built lighthouse.
...

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humourLighthouserhyming

Boy what a Lady!

 

I saw her standing on a crowded train,

a beautiful face and a perfect frame.

With oriental features and flawless skin,

was this superficial or was there beauty within?

 

She caught me looking and to my surprise,

she smiled and looked directly into my eyes.

I felt transfixed and my heart took flight,

is this what they mean by 'love at first sight'?

 

As the train ...

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Humournarrative poemrelationshipsrhyme

The Princess and the Frog

Long long ago there once lived a King

who wished that a child the stork would bring.

You see he and his Queen were very sad

at the thought of an heir that they never had.

 

Then, whilst walking beside the sea one night

 a talking fish gave the Queen a fright.

It said “soon your wish will come to pass

and you, my Queen, shall bear a lass”

 

As the fish had predicted th...

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frogHumourpoliticalprincess

Jesus Wants You!

 

Jesus Wants You! 

 

He forced the door and entered, stepping over shards of glass, 

to effortlessly melt into the chamber’s darkened mass. 

And, as his torchlight searched for ‘victim-drawers’ to rifle through, 

out of darkness, rasped a voice; “Jesus is watching you.” 

 

He froze - was someone in the room inviting conversation? 

Or maybe he was hearing things (or his ...

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Humorous PoetryHumorous VerseHumour

Chess Pains !

 

Chess Pains!

 

Yet another chess convention

called upon the monthly pension.

Crusty codgers, ‘ coffin - dodgers’.

Reek of mothballs (best not mention!)

 

Hotel filled with ancient blokes,

bragging of their master-strokes.

‘Castle-crashers’, ‘Bishop-bashers!’

Cracking ‘chess-related’ jokes!

 

The old ‘ Grand Master’ then appeared,

to boast and crow (whils...

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humorous versehumour

Where the sea meets the sky.........

 

At the end of the world where the sea meets the sky,

there's a small strip of land where the mermaids lie.

Where they chit and they chat, or play and have fun,

and top up their tan in the midday sun.

 

Now it's rare to see a mermaid, and you may never again,

so to see a whole shoal is a rareness x 10.

But this is what happened, or so it is told,

to a young keen explore...

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HumourMermaids

A turkey in sheep's clothing

"Fattening up time" the wall calendar read

which meant only one  thing to old farmer Ted.

Christmas was coming and there's money to be made

you see the bigger the bird the more he'd be paid.

 

He'd saved up all year and bought high quality feed

to ensure that his flock was the best he could breed.

So this year Ted's turkeys would be the tastiest in town

and the best biggest...

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Christmasfarmerfunnyhumournarrative poemstoryTurkey

A List Of Things We Buried In The Garden

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A List Of Things We Buried In The Garden

 

- A photograph of better times.

 

- An empty bottle of scotch.

 

- A well thumbed copy of ‘True Crimes’.

 

- A useless, broken watch.

 

- Seven bottles of little white pills.

 

- A pair of latex gloves.

 

- A folder with a thousand bills.

 

- A bunch of dead foxgloves.

 

- The broken vase they occupied...

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confessionday 9humourlist poemmatricideNaPoWriMo 2019

On hearing John Fowles fart

 

In the sun bathed seaside town of Lyme

Where ice cream now drips where dinosaurs once walked

pastel shaded cottages skirt the sea

And Grockles eat cockles and cobbs on the Cobb.

A writer of repute resided

A postmodernist existential philosopher 

Who welcomed me into his home

A number of times, talking of his craft

His books his work and films that were made of this

...

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humourJohn FowlesLyme Regis

Recipe For Disaster

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Recipe For Disaster

 

Make sure you’ve got a big bowl.

OK, we’re ready to commence.

Take a pinch of honesty,

add an ounce of common sense,

stir in bloody mindedness,

gently fold in care,

season it with integrity

(if you’ve got any spare),

sprinkle it with passion,

avoid the nuts and flakes,

put it in a hot oven

and see how long it takes

for it to become bu...

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day 1humourNaPoWriMo 2019politicalrecipesatiretory government

An Aussie Farmer's Lot.

An Aussie Farmer's Lot.

 

Ah ! the sumptuosity of blessed

virgin flesh

the thoughts of carnal knowledge

as we hurry to undress

 

But soft; I hear the lowing

of an agitated cow,

such trial and tribulation

weigh heavy on my brow

 

Pray hold the moment madam

whilst I service Daisy-Bell

then take a soapy shower

to eradicate the smell !

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Aussie FarmerCarnal KnowledgeHumour

The Gift (Limerick)

The Gift  (Limerick)

At the end of a trip to Tibet

I brought home for my daughter a pet

"You fool," said her Mamma

"She asked for a 'LLAMA'

You're short of one 'L' I regret."

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HumourLimerickLlama

Mutual Admiration

Your dandruffed head which once was fair

Your sweaty armpits clogged with hair

Those sagging tits that touch your knees

That fluff-filled navel full of fleas

God ! you're sexy when you're bare.

 

And you my love are perfect man

Your dentures even have a tan

And though your willy's lost its zing

Eventually it still goes in

You're HOT........come take me while you can.

...

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AdmirationHotHumourLimerickPerfect ManSexy

Disorientated (2)

 

Yesterday a policeman shit on my head

when I went to complain to a pigeon

about my gypsy being stolen by two cars.

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DisorientatedGypsyHumourPigeonPoliceman

Morning Glory

Morning Glory

I woke up with a girl in my bed

It stunned me so here's what I said:

"My god you're attractive

are you sexually active?"

She replied, "Are you right in the head?"

............................

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HumourLimerick

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