Humour (Remove filter)
The Cut-Out-And-Keep Guide To Trees
the silver birch
it likes to hide
so as you search
at eventide
you find it there with many friends
playing poker through the night
the common oak
a wise old man
an aging folk
since time began
grandfathers of the forest they
speak myth and folklore when they can
the sycamore
with helicopter seeds
sets out its store
among the weed...
Wednesday 7th May 2025 2:35 pm
007 In Retirement
(with acknowledgements to Cubby Broccoli)
We’ve a new allotment holder
Just retired from MI6
Wears a Beretta on his shoulder
Calls our lady members “chicks”
Drives a silver coloured DB5
He won’t get much in that
When he has to transport compost
From his Docklands penthouse flat
He takes his Martini shaken,
In his shed he keeps a score
Of days spent with psych...
Wednesday 16th April 2025 11:19 am
The Sparrow and the Dove
Thursday 27th March 2025 9:34 am
TIEd Up in Overcompensation
These two sharp and cheeky limericks poke fun at Trump’s famously long tie — and what it might be compensating for. They each want to wrap political satire and playful innuendo into five perfect lines.
Tru...
Tuesday 18th March 2025 3:25 pm
Alexa, Give Me a New Life!
Saturday 1st March 2025 10:53 am
The Piper's Lament
Wee Willie’s agent made the call
Willie wasnae expecting it at all
As in his bed he idly lay
That fateful January day
“Get up Willie, Tam exclaimed
Get oot your bed and leave yer hame
Get on your kilt, your brogues, your hose
And grab your pipes and don your clothes
I’ve had a call from the SRU
The very man they need is you
This is no wind up, it’s the truth
They ...
Sunday 2nd February 2025 4:57 pm
Secrets (of a Happy Marriage)
Secrets (of a Happy Marriage)
I saw a man confronting a tree,
So I asked that fellow to confide in me.
Tell me sir, would you be having a drink?
To which he replied, no its not what you think.
I’ve been talking to trees for half of me life.
I can say things to them I can’t say to me wife!
She was fair and reasonable when we first met.
Now her tongue is so sharp I know ...
Wednesday 22nd January 2025 3:17 am
Merry Grinchmas To Y'All.
The tree is man-made, the gifts are fake,
The carols make my stomach ache.
I hate the crowds, the forced-up cheer,
The noise that fills this time of year.
The sales are loud, the hype is worse,
Everyone's lost in some gift-giving curse.
The cookies? -Too sweet! The songs? -A "bore"!
I’d rather be locked behind my door.
So skip the cheer, and ditch the mess,
I’d...
Tuesday 24th December 2024 11:30 am
Shadow Blind
Shadow Blind
Blindly I fumbled searching for you. Hoping to uncover a despicable ghoul. Confident my endeavor a profound spiritual journey.
A fearless, deviant, defiant, authority usurper, a warrior in a distopian reality, selflessly fighting ageless expressions of duality for all humanity. An evolved, out of the box thinker, unwilling to participate in a...
Sunday 8th December 2024 3:50 am
Sashaying to Byzantium
That is no session for old men. The young
With lithe legs and arms stretch like sapling trees
We, flailing generation whose Latin songs
Fail inflamed and arthritic joints to ease
We began at eight, it’s now ten, how long
Before one amongst us succumbs, and dies?
Caught in that sensual music all wrecked
Monuments of years of bad neglect
An agèd man is but a tragic ...
Wednesday 20th November 2024 5:19 pm
Simply Let It Slide!
This limerick wants to be a humorous reminder to brush off the negativity and unsolicited opinions that others throw your way. "There’s a way past the arse and down the back" is a metaphor for letting criticism slide right off you, without letting it stick! In a world full of judgments, it’s a reminder that the only opinion that truly matters is your own. Let it slide and keep moving forward!
...
Monday 11th November 2024 12:50 pm
Not Always What You Expect!
This limerick plays with the idea that expertise isn’t always the key to success. After all, the ark was built by an amateur, and yet it survived, while the Titanic—crafted by professionals—met its doom. With a humorous twist, it reminds us not to despair at being an amateur, as even the experts can falter in the face of fate. The lesson? Sometimes it’s the passion and drive, not the credentials, ...
Monday 11th November 2024 11:56 am
They'll Find Fault Anyway!
In a world where you can't escape judgment, this limerick tries to dive deep into the absurdity of trying to please everyone. Even if you perform the impossible—like walking on water—someone will still find fault, questioning your intelligence and abilities. With a touch of irony, this piece wants to highlight the endless nature of criticism and the futility of seeking universal approval. It’s th...
Monday 11th November 2024 11:44 am
Rocketman
On The Village Outer fringes
Lives the legend Rocketman
If it burns, explodes or singes
Pyrotechnically, he’s your man
His potting shed’s a bomb store
He goes there when he chooses
To stack the shelves and fill the floor
with gunpowder and fuses
He plans every Guy Fawkes night
By astrophysics and geography
Filling the sky with sound and light
And aerial chor...
Sunday 3rd November 2024 1:34 pm
Chipping Away
Get yourself a lump of marble
Twenty feet by six by six
Borrow a set of chisels
Or buy them from Screwfix
Empty out your garage or outdoor store
Of furniture and kids’ bikes from ceiling to floor
Grab yourself a mallet
Michelangelo liked wood
And get stuck in whilst listening to Johnnie B Goode
With every blow you will release
The body shape within
From a...
Saturday 26th October 2024 2:29 pm
The UkeFest
Just because you can play it doesn’t mean you should
I’m talking about After the Goldrush or Before the Flood
or anything by The Eagles, Paul Simon and Stormzy
Keep these artists separate from your ukulele
Just because you know the words don’t mean you can sing
Paul Rogers is Bad Company, leave Fields of Gold to Sting
Give Roy Orbison numbers a miss
Don’t kid yourself you...
Friday 30th August 2024 9:06 am
Lee Dixon’s Cliche Cabinet
When Lee Dixon opens his cliche cabinet,
We’re havin' it.
It was a game of two halves
The lad’s put in a shift
You couldn’t write this script, that’s a gift
Get in there my son, go on my boy
The phrases flow, sucked of joy
He pulls rabbits from hats
With consummate ease
He’s a mangled mouthed magician
Can’t you see?
His left foot’s just for standing ...
Wednesday 10th July 2024 11:07 am
A Monster
In this dungeon, dreary and rank
With surgeons tools, hooks and saws
And bits of animals, teeth and claws
A slab of old marble covered in blood
With needle and thread to sew if I could
In this dungeon, dark and dank
With power and coils and much electricity
I'll strive to create life in my eccentricity
Limbs put together not quite in place
The brain is quite small, I've left too much s...
Thursday 9th May 2024 8:13 am
Rushed Holiday
Friday at last, speed home from work
The flights tomorrow, few drinks a perk
It's that time, hurray! it's come round at last
But now i'll have to pack and make it fast
I'll pull the cases from the loft space
Unzipped and clean, put ready in place
I open the drawers and tip out all the clothes
Where's my favorite T shirt, God only knows
Three shirts, a tie! A jacket quite light
Not w...
Friday 3rd May 2024 11:30 pm
Bungalow Dreaming
I’ve got my eye on a bungalow
now I’m ageing fast and living slow
not much to do, nowhere to go
A remote-controlled garage door
An en-suite on the ground floor
These are the things I’m looking for
My rosy afterglow
I’ve got my eye on a bungalow
Where I can unwind, go with the flow
Touch the roof it’s only low
A resin drive that’s easy to clean
No moss, no weed...
Sunday 28th April 2024 9:49 am
The Eternal Flame
Two stones banged together
To create a misplaced spark
Forget about the weather
Never mind the dark
Harnessing that fire
Gave Neanderthals a thrill
They could build a funeral pyre
And keep out the Ice Age chill
Down countless generations
The flame remained intact
As in various locations
Wood was splintered, split and stacked
By Maasai on the Kenyan Plains
In Uluru’s mystic glow
...
Wednesday 17th April 2024 7:11 pm
Ode to Lemon Meringue Pie
Teetering on the platter
A treat for human senses
It’s food to make you fatter
Crushing all of your defences
Its snowy dunes and hollows
Of flouncy sweet meringue
Are made for ample swallows
Of dessert sturm und drang
Ignore it at your peril
Its appeal you can’t deny
When hunger makes you feral
Reach for lemon meringue pie
Its gaudy citrus layer
...Wednesday 10th April 2024 11:47 am
The Poets' Ball
In a castle on a promontory above a rocky cliff
As the sun sinks down the poets come to carouse and rhyme and riff
Chaucer riding on a dappled horse escorts the Wife of Bath
Johnny Clark smokes with Betjeman who complains about the staff
Shakespeare’s musing in the corner
Working out an obstinate sonnet
Emily Dickinson hides shyly in her cloak and starched white bonnet
Donne, ...
Wednesday 3rd April 2024 1:54 pm
Road Rage
The bike are riding two by two
Hurrah hurrah
The bikes are riding two by two
Hurrah hurrah
The bikes are riding two by two
It’s the Highway Code, but I own the road
So Ill just keep driving on
The bikes are now riding three by three
Oh shite oh shite
The bikes are now riding three by three
Oh shite oh shite
The bikes are riding three by three
As ...
Tuesday 5th March 2024 11:01 am
The Greatest Trick The Devil Ever Pulled is convincing the world he doesn’t exist
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled
Is making the world believe he doesn’t exist
I don’t know why but I don’t agree
Let me explain I have an idea you see
Conspiracy theories is fuel for his flames
Brexit, traffic jams and gossip entertain…
His hoards and minions cheer and go wild
All waiting for the day that Johnson’s defiled
With a rod up his buttocks fo...
Sunday 3rd March 2024 9:20 pm
The Greatest Ever…. Cup and Ball Trick
The trick of the cup and ball
Starts with a vanish and reappearance
From oranges, lemons and even a baseball
Teleport to a cup, that the audience cheer
The magicians face says it all
No wonder magic is a great career
But instead of stopping he continues the act
As he is now handcuffed, bound and strapped.
He repeats the words that makes himself... vanish once more...
Sunday 3rd March 2024 4:33 pm
Wonka Land
Wonka land
Have you seen the land of chocolate
Just £35 from your own wallet
Promises of wonkas factory delight
But actually it’s a cooperate warehouse of shite
Ompa lumpars are large not tiny
I look and stare and think christ almighty.
Is it not Wonkaland? but another place
As I think of an excuse to this disgrace
Willy Wonkas now here and he’s complete...
Sunday 3rd March 2024 4:27 pm
Skeletons Tell Terrible Jokes
Skeletons Tell Terrible Jokes
Zombies shuffled aimlessly with heads tipped to one side
The phantoms rattled chains and flung transparent cloaks out wide
The vampires swooped theatrically as they are wont to do
And ghoulish forms materialised in pools of dipping goo
“Wait everyone,” the skeleton interrupted, “I’ve got a joke
Spectres paled spectacularly, their colou...
Saturday 24th February 2024 12:51 pm
If Dogs Were Made World Leaders
If dogs were made world leaders
There would be no futile wars
And laws and treaties would be signed
With inky prints of paws
Chihuahuas and Alsatians
Would respect each other’s space
There’d be no United Nations
Just a favourite sniffing place
Summit sessions would be held
In playing fields or parks
With flashing collars de rigeur
For meetings after dar...
Thursday 8th February 2024 6:58 pm
Red stilettos on the bowling green
This is for my dear sister Carole, whom we lost on Monday. She was a member of a very traditional and, dare I say it, quite mysoginistic suburban tennis and bowling club. She played neither, but was by far the best actor in the amateur dramatics section, which sadly folded years ago. She was a brilliant and inspirational primary school teacher, who loved telling stories, especially in verse. She a...
Wednesday 20th December 2023 2:45 pm
The Tough Gig
The invitation came from an anonymous source
With a hint of menace in a note of force
A resolution has been passed
By our High Command
For festive entertainment we want your band
This is not optional, there’s no way out
We’re ready and waiting so don’t hang about
Be at the Village Hall on the Thirteenth of December
And prepare to deliver an event to remember
There’ll be...
Thursday 14th December 2023 9:32 am
Once upon a time in a vest
There’s a shoot-out on the bowling green
The pianola’s full of holes
The Man with No Name’s
Got a Zimmer frame
And a tray of sausage rolls
He’s a High Plains drifter
Not from round here
The strong and silent type
Got a dance partner, can’t lift her
They practice moves on Skype
At the monthly hoedown
At the nursing home
He wears a felt ten-gallon hat
It’s ...
Wednesday 22nd November 2023 6:19 pm
Urinal View
It is our extreme pleasure
To cast open our doors for you
And present for your lifestyle and leisure
The incomparable Urinal View
Imagine yourself on summer days
On your balcony facing the strand
Absorbing ultraviolet rays
Where the lavatories stand
Twenty-two exclusive apartments
Designed for the fortunate few
With an open Northerly aspect
Overhanging the public l...
Sunday 19th November 2023 4:18 pm
Dave's Back
When all around is crumbling
And there’s nothing left to save
And the economy is tumbling
It’s time to call for Dave
He’s super and he’s Tory
His haircut is so smart
He would be great on Jackanory
He just looks and sounds the part
He once called a referendum
That left us lonely and bereft
Wrote a memoir, an addendum
To a career lacking heft
He sat...
Monday 13th November 2023 6:12 pm
Love on the Allotment
Their love on the allotment bloomed in early Spring
This was a lasting passion, no fleeting seasonal fling
The seeds of it were scattered in an afternoon of planting
Which concluded in Myfanwy’s shed with groans and furtive panting
While Carwyn sowed his sunflower seeds she tended to his plums
They shared a packet of McVities best, nibbling on the crumbs
When Spring turned i...
Tuesday 7th November 2023 5:39 pm
Neighbour's got a new hot tub
Neighbour’s got a new hot tub
Cost six grand from B and Q
It came with white robes, a fridge and a sub
They’re for the chosen few
Neighbour’s got a new hot tub
It completely fills his deck
It’s superior to a back rub
And it’s sorted out his neck
It’s both rigid and inflatable
With blue lights in LED
It’s necessity’s debatable
It’s an al fresco luxury
...
Saturday 4th November 2023 2:18 pm
Finding Van Gogh In Ramsgate
The last time I had made his acquaintance was in New York
His Mountains at Saint-Rémy hangs resplendent in The Guggenheim
And I was entranced coming face to face with Vincent’s art
in frame
Vividly he depicted his visions of the world, so full of passion and energy
The memory stayed with me…
Finding a bust of Vincent in Ramsgate felt peculiarly odd
He lived in Spencer Square a...
Saturday 4th November 2023 8:20 am
Every Day A Celebration
I wrote this for a Guy Fawkes Night poetry event back in 2013 (yes, such a thing actually happened!)I wrote this for a Guy Fawkes Night poetry event back in 2013 (yes, such a thing actually happened!)
Remember, Remember…the what of November?
Was sure there was something…try to remember
Dates in a diary, reminders of significance
Sure there was something...just think perchance
Perchance to t...
Wednesday 25th October 2023 11:38 am
DIY Man
There’s a Viking Warrior around the back
With a multi-tool and a Power Pack
Keeps nuts and bolts in a padlocked sack
He’s a DIY Man, he’s building a shack
With his manic ScrewFix lust
He’ll transform that hedge into dust
It makes no odds, he’s not fussed
He’s a DIY Man, born to rust
He wears a John Deere branded shirt
Recharges himself when he feels inert
Wa...
Tuesday 24th October 2023 11:03 pm
Kidnap in Venice - Here comes the W.I.
On the Grand Canal in Venice
where bridges span and sigh
There’s a rising sense of menace
Here comes the W.I.
They’re oblivious to the sandbags
Stacked against an inundation
As they wield their leather handbags
And march in tight formation
At the head of them is Norah
The bravest and the best
The other girls adore her
In their phalanx, ten abreast
...
Saturday 21st October 2023 5:44 pm
A Kangaroo at the Barbecue
There’s a Kangaroo at the barbecue
She’s not supposed to be here
There’s a kangaroo at the barbecue
Snaffling snags and necking beer
She just hopped off with a chicken thigh
That thigh has never been so high
It was a bit of a shock, I’m not gonna lie
She’s a chargrill kleptomaniac
A high flying ‘roo with a view
Get Superman, call Brainiac
She’s bit off more than ...
Monday 16th October 2023 7:38 pm
The Big Spot
I’ve got a big spot on the top of my head
It came from nowhere and just grew and grew
I’m not happy about it
But I might as well admit
I’ve got a big spot on the top of my head.
The next day that big spot was still there
I gave it a squeeze and some gunk came out
I slapped on some cream then I slapped on some more
I’ve still got a big spot on my head
But now it’s qu...
Wednesday 22nd March 2023 6:58 pm
Confused Dot Com
Just three little questions my dear friends,
I hope you can lend a hand,
Each scenario happened today,
And I still don’t quite understand.
If the square of the hypotenuse,
Is the sum of squares on either side,
How do you get an Articulated lorry,
Through a gate just 10 feet wide.
The calculated arc of a cannonball,
Hits square the castle wall, not the moat,
...
Thursday 9th June 2022 4:36 pm
And I Never Knew Her Name
She bit into the green apple with perfect white teeth.
Is her hair really that shade of red? I suspend disbelief.
Smartly dressed she stands, all the world her stage.
Happily serving anyone coffee she earns her wage.
She sees all life going on, smilingly serving drinks all day.
She must have heard it all, chatted up in every possible way.
Managing to look like the coffees she sel...
Tuesday 11th January 2022 6:50 pm
Stuck In Your Head (a poem)
To celebrate that I have completed posting the sequence of almost a hundred meditations (thanks to everyone for all likes and comments on those), and also in honour of it being World Poetry Day today (thanks to Dean Fraser for the reminder) - I thought I'd post this little something....
I've got a poem that gets stuck in your head
stuck in your head, stuck in your head
I've got a poem t...
Sunday 21st March 2021 1:03 pm
Heather
A tribute to Wallasey born astronomer Heather Couper (1949-2020) and her passion for life
1986 Halley’s Comet payed its orbital visit
On the clearest, darkest night
Looking skyward with naked eyes
Comet and tail obvious against the stars
Media covered the historic occasion
The Sky at Night had a special guest
Heather Couper stood outside
Enthusiasm infectious
Findi...
Monday 25th January 2021 4:03 pm
It Must Be Him
The place is Birkdale during the British Open Golf, and a case of mistaken identity back in the late 1980’s, as related to me many years later by a friend
Seve, he’s my favourite golfer
I recognise him from TV
Look, it must be him
He’s going into that supermarket
Let’s follow to be sure
For certain, it must be him
Be discrete, play it cool
Keep our distance
...Thursday 14th January 2021 11:00 am
'Sign' of the Times (Reflections on 'Rude'!)
Apologies, in advance, for the rude words !
Folk who pee in public places (treating them as ‘loos’).
‘Concert-girls’, on partners’ shoulders, blocking others’ views.
Kids that kick your airplane seat whilst parents just ignore.
Gits who queue-jump at the bar -‘though you were there before.
Those who walk straight past you, without thanks .... or smiles.... or nods.
...Wednesday 6th January 2021 11:33 pm
“Old Heads on Young Shoulders”!
”You can’t put old heads on young shoulders!”, they say.
But I think that I may have ‘come-up’ with a way,
involving some sawing - and stitching - and glue
(and a bit of a ‘heads-up’, in just what to do!).
But, if I decided to give it a ‘bash’,
that would leave a spare head and a body (to stash)!
Which seems such a waste of a woman or man.
So, now I’ve develop...
Wednesday 6th January 2021 9:21 am
'Man-Sized' Issues !
So, now those ‘Man-Size’ tissues
are named ‘Extra-Large’ instead.
It’s another “sexist” issue
that is messing with me ‘ead!
It seems, the major problem
is all centred around ‘Man’.
Folk find this word offensive
but I’m ‘flummoxed’ if I can !
I’m fearing for the future
if this nonsense carries on.
‘Cos they’ll ban the ‘Man’ from everything
in fav...
Tuesday 5th January 2021 10:58 pm
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