Poetry Blogs (Humour)

I remember the day when we first met, the day I made you mine,

our eyes met across a crowded room and I fed you a funny line.

"What's a cute thing like you doing in a place like this?" I said,

you came home with me that day and spent the night with me in bed.

I considered you my best friend and gave you everything,

I gave you a home, looked after you and took you unde...

Read and leave comments (13)

A ‘Snitch’, in Time !

My mother’s mother, Granny Brown

was ‘muchly-loved’ throughout our town.

The care she gave; her happy ways.

She cheered us in her ‘ember days’.

She liked to knit but not to sell.

Such quality. (Oh, you could tell!).

Each item, thoroughly bespoke

- for giving to specific folk.

“Gran, that’s great !” I’d often shout.

“You knit them ...

Read and leave comments (12)

Coco the clown went sailing one day 
to a holiday destination far far away

Suddenly, the sky went dark and the wind did blow
and the waves beneath his boat did grow and grow

He lost his oars as the winds blew and blew
so he paddled his way with his size 50 shoe.

Through a telescope he saw an island far away in the distance
and he made it to shore with his skill and persistence

A gr...

Read and leave comments (4)

I bought a piece of land, for my family and me,
to build a perfect home on a plot beside the sea.
I employed a local Surveyor to help draw up the plans,
to build my family dream house on the beach near ‘Ainsdale Sands’

He came and took some measurements and samples from the plot,
and I asked if he could include the moorings for a yacht.
The Surveyor did recommend a custom built lighthouse.
...

Read and leave comments (3)

I saw her standing on a crowded train,

a beautiful face and a perfect frame.

With oriental features and flawless skin,

was this superficial or was there beauty within?

She caught me looking and to my surprise,

she smiled and looked directly into my eyes.

I felt transfixed and my heart took flight,

is this what they mean by 'love at first sight'?

As the train ...

Read and leave comments (6)

Long long ago there once lived a King

who wished that a child the stork would bring.

You see he and his Queen were very sad

at the thought of an heir that they never had.

Then, whilst walking beside the sea one night

 a talking fish gave the Queen a fright.

It said “soon your wish will come to pass

and you, my Queen, shall bear a lass”

As the fish had predicted th...

Read and leave comments (3)

Jesus Wants You! 

He forced the door and entered, stepping over shards of glass, 

to effortlessly melt into the chamber’s darkened mass. 

And, as his torchlight searched for ‘victim-drawers’ to rifle through, 

out of darkness, rasped a voice; “Jesus is watching you.” 

He froze - was someone in the room inviting conversation? 

Or maybe he was hearing things (or his ...

Read and leave comments (4)

Chess Pains!

Yet another chess convention

called upon the monthly pension.

Crusty codgers, ‘ coffin - dodgers’.

Reek of mothballs (best not mention!)

Hotel filled with ancient blokes,

bragging of their master-strokes.

‘Castle-crashers’, ‘Bishop-bashers!’

Cracking ‘chess-related’ jokes!

The old ‘ Grand Master’ then appeared,

to boast and crow (whils...

Read and leave comments (10)

At the end of the world where the sea meets the sky,

there's a small strip of land where the mermaids lie.

Where they chit and they chat, or play and have fun,

and top up their tan in the midday sun.

Now it's rare to see a mermaid, and you may never again,

so to see a whole shoal is a rareness x 10.

But this is what happened, or so it is told,

to a young keen explore...

Read and leave comments (4)

"Fattening up time" the wall calendar read

which meant only one  thing to old farmer Ted.

Christmas was coming and there's money to be made

you see the bigger the bird the more he'd be paid.

He'd saved up all year and bought high quality feed

to ensure that his flock was the best he could breed.

So this year Ted's turkeys would be the tastiest in town

and the best biggest...

Read and leave comments (6)

A List Of Things We Buried In The Garden

- A photograph of better times.

- An empty bottle of scotch.

- A well thumbed copy of ‘True Crimes’.

- A useless, broken watch.

- Seven bottles of little white pills.

- A pair of latex gloves.

- A folder with a thousand bills.

- A bunch of dead foxgloves.

- The broken vase they occupied...

Read and leave comments (2)

In the sun bathed seaside town of Lyme

Where ice cream now drips where dinosaurs once walked

pastel shaded cottages skirt the sea

And Grockles eat cockles and cobbs on the Cobb.

A writer of repute resided

A postmodernist existential philosopher 

Who welcomed me into his home

A number of times, talking of his craft

His books his work and films that were made of this

...

Read and leave comments (0)

Recipe For Disaster

Make sure you’ve got a big bowl.

OK, we’re ready to commence.

Take a pinch of honesty,

add an ounce of common sense,

stir in bloody mindedness,

gently fold in care,

season it with integrity

(if you’ve got any spare),

sprinkle it with passion,

avoid the nuts and flakes,

put it in a hot oven

and see how long it takes

for it to become bu...

Read and leave comments (4)

An Aussie Farmer's Lot.

Ah ! the sumptuosity of blessed

virgin flesh

the thoughts of carnal knowledge

as we hurry to undress

But soft; I hear the lowing

of an agitated cow,

such trial and tribulation

weigh heavy on my brow

Pray hold the moment madam

whilst I service Daisy-Bell

then take a soapy shower

to eradicate the smell !

Read and leave comments (2)

Siberian kale with cherrystone clam

Bulgar, quinoa, and spicy brown mustard

Orange okra served with whiskey-roast ham

Red chard, leaf lard, and savoury custard

Avocado jam with relish of quince

Shaved black truffle with sourdough croutons

Sun dried tomatoes with guinea pig mince

Plantain wraps served on tiny oak futons

Sandwich menus leave me filled with remorse

Read and leave comments (0)

The Gift  (Limerick)

At the end of a trip to Tibet

I brought home for my daughter a pet

"You fool," said her Mamma

"She asked for a 'LLAMA'

You're short of one 'L' I regret."

Read and leave comments (4)

Your dandruffed head which once was fair

Your sweaty armpits clogged with hair

Those sagging tits that touch your knees

That fluff-filled navel full of fleas

God ! you're sexy when you're bare.

And you my love are perfect man

Your dentures even have a tan

And though your willy's lost its zing

Eventually it still goes in

You're HOT........come take me while you can.

Read and leave comments (6)

Yesterday a policeman shit on my head

when I went to complain to a pigeon

about my gypsy being stolen by two cars.

Read and leave comments (3)

Morning Glory

I woke up with a girl in my bed

It stunned me so here's what I said:

"My god you're attractive

are you sexually active?"

She replied, "Are you right in the head?"

............................

Read and leave comments (2)