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One for Halloween, a cautionary tale if you don't eat your vitamins and read the Daily Mail...

I went out feeling left-wing one night
when my eyes were fixated on an eerie sight
in the sky, there was a full moon
and what happened next is like been in a cartoon

My nails grew long
I got sharpened teeth
there was hair
where they shouldn't be growing beneath
but fear not, this isn't a Werew...

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funnyhalloweenpunk poetry

We wish you a British Summer

You see the chavs unveiling torsos
Which fashion hair that always grows
The shorts his distant cousin wears
Showing us sights that only scare
The ice cream man appears once more
Serving melting ice cream through his door
You hear the neighbours having a Barbie
An hour or two later they sound rather barmy
The neighbourhood drunk stumbles as usual
And vain young girls become rather delusion...

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bah humbugchavfunnyrhythmsummer

Dog Loose


Got fired from my call centre job for failing the exam. Took it while doing the night shift. First I've ever done graveyard. Can't say I like it. In fact, I bloody hate night work. Unless it's in a goth club, drinking beer or grinding.

Gonna get a new job. Jimmy Boom Semtex needs beer and tattoo cash. Give him a job and let him learn. Short term memory aside, he'll do his best. Make you laug...

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alternativefunnyjimmy boom semtex


That August day

made me pray

for MERCY!


My head was pounding 

like a woodpecker on

a metal roof


Could hardly see

my eyes were strabismic


I reached...


in my disarranged

medicene cabinet


in my dim



pulled out the first

pill box

my quavering hands touched


I squinted my confused eyes

to examine the fine print


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entry picture

Oh to the sparkle ball

it calls for such beauty

Gown to the ground

rhinestones galore

Loveliness for sure

Prepare the face

to match the gown

Soon I'm wearing a frown

Pink sparkle eye shadow

became the enemy

My lid took offense

and prepared for defense

by developing a chalazion


Oh to the chalazion

so stubborn and at home

on my lid she sits

So p...

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Wearing rubber boots

I open the door

what kind of horror will I face?

Never been to this place

but heard of the legend 

of Michi


A black feline


Who protects 

her dwelling

with her fangs and claws

Got to follow her laws

or swiftly be corrected 


She claimed this home

after living a life of abandoment

A feral

who was tired of the p...

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I woke up this morning a bit confused

ready to go to the kitchen and swallow my pills

They help my mind get straight

if I don't take them by eight

it's too late


I look at the clock OH NO I over slept


My thoughts start to gather and circle my room

I try to grab one but it escapes me

Words start to play bumper cars in my head

soon it feels like lead

my mar...

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Becks Poem (Mistaken Identity)

I wrote this for my now fiance not long after we first started seeing each other after her love for cats (and her tongue in cheek insistance she was one) inspired me to start writing again, after maybe 5 years of not picking up a pen.  I recently proposed to her through a series of short poems taking us on a treasure hunt around Edinburgh looking for J K Rowling inspired landmarks, but that's anot...

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Winters Farming

I cannot shed 
My winters coat
At 22 degrees below
I'm still farming.....
Nearly starved last year
I know it's quite  alarming.....
But mothers says 
There aint enough
To get us through 
The winters tough
With the horses I plow away....
Into the night from start of day....
We finally got 
Our winters store
With that the horse
We plow no more
That's Winter farming....
I know it's k...

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A guy named mycock


sort your napper out peter said,
with a name like yours that is sure to spread,
mycock sure knows what to do,
when he follows a bet all the way through.
We going to the dogs? he always asks,
but listening to mycock is just one of the tasks.

With his skinny torso and milk bottle legs,
he's got a secret little way of beating those eggs,
His big slug lips and tuna pasta bake,
yet all ...

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My aunt jane

There was a woman named Jane,
Who never liked to see it rain.
So she listened to the song umbrella,
So she could dance with a nice fit fella.
All work and no play is grim,
So she goes to turkey for a little swim.

Off she goes for all inclusive,
Whilst she looks at all the exclusives.
Keep the drinks coming, it’s all paid for,
Whilst Jane settles down on the sea shore.
Cheers cock she l...

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That'll Cost You the Kettle

entry picture

They married young and grew apart, as people often do.

Future life for both of them will be with someone new.

The problem though, was cash so short

they could not move their home.

Until some savings could be made,

and low cost rents be found.


Circumstance demanded that

the bed must still be shared.

Things were tough, no time for fun,

except for weekend booze.



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Not sure if this one counts as a poem, but its here anyway.

Presented by John Speaker

"Hi guys and welcome to the show!
The show where we aim to make debate look like adolescent banter!

"In today's game we have two teams who have entered the room blindfolded. On the right we have the blue team led by David!

"Hi David, tell us a little about yourself but wi...

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David Cameronfunnygame showhumourPoliticalsatire

The Evil Tree

I'm going to tell you a story, which was genuinely one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I'd always been quite cynical about the idea of ghosts and demons and spiritualism, but this moment changed that for me and made me realise that actually, we are NOT alone in this world. Please, I know and understand the cynicism of most on this topic, but I can assure you that I have not invented any...

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branchbutterflycaterpillarcomedyevilfunnygood and evilHorrorleaftree

An Ode to Online Dating

I'm going to give this context by starting off reading my old match and pof profile. This is genuinely real. 


It's always hard to know what to say on these things so I'm just going to fill my profile with exaggeration and nonsense.

I would describe myself as a cross between Brad Pitts character in fight club and a sensitive fireman who likes kittens. Overall I'm pretty awesome. Kind, in...

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cynicismdatingfunnyhumourInternet datinglizardsmetaphorodeonline datingromancesimile

A lesson that I Taught



I Teach!!

I taught...

Here's a lesson that I taught...

I had this lesson. It were ace in my mind!

The planning was tight, concise, well timed


Going into the room - my stage

Put on the teacher face, the act

(My phone is buzzing but I don't react)


Lights, camera, action! You're on!


"Hi guys! Come in, unpack your things!"


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Cutting edgy swearingeducationfunnystudentteacherteaching


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“But it’s not my fault”,

cried the mouse in dismay,

“I though I knew where I was

but appear to have lost my way”


Sat at the foot of my bed

with his hands under his head,

he tried through his tears

to relate what is here.




I set out early this morn

after nibbling on some corn

for my breakfast, on the cob is best.

I was raring to ...

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Another Two Line Horror Story

entry picture

I look into the mirror, an old Woman is staring back at me!

AHH!, oh wait, it's just me.




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entry picture



I'm the defective detective.

I marvel at the whiteness of frozen snow.

Left right upper leg.

Do you like beer?

No I like Ricky Gervais.

I'm inside the tumble dryer spinning in space.

Just made a hillinit bloody hooooot.


Why do I let the last 5 years drag me down?

Chained to me,

self destroying me from within.


I'm the Phantom Ray...

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different linesdifferent topicsfunnygibberish poem

In Soviet Russia...

Aissur Teivos ni,

even the punchline is backwards.

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funnyhumorIn Soviet RussiaIn Soviet Russia gagIn Soviet Russia jokejokejokesjokinglaughterone linerpoetrysillySoviet Russiawitty

Dear Facebook

A little poem that is very much not in my usual style!

Dear Facebook,

 We have known each other a long time now,
 and whilst I know you will always be there for me,
 it is with a heavy heart that I must tell you the following:
 We can no longer be together.

 It’s not you.
 It’s me.

 I find I can’t keep away from you,
 and I have so much work to do these days...

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Absent Minded Mouse

entry picture


ABSENT MINDED MOUSE I once saw a mouse, Upon a dolls house, A sniffing and twitching his nose. I asked how he was, And he looked right across, And said, "Not too bad, I suppose". I asked, "Are you waiting, For someone or thing?". He sighed, "No, I'm lost, And it's a fine ding-a-ling!". Said I, "Can I help or show you the way. Where were you headed or going today?". He sa...

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A Mouses Tale

entry picture
A ​Mouses Tale But it's not my fault, cried the mouse in dismay. I knew where I was going, though it was far, far away. Sat at the foot of my bed, with his hands beneath his head, He tried, through his tears, to relate what is here... I set out early this morn, after nibbling on some corn, For my breakfast, on the cob is best. I was planning to go to "The Great Mouse Show". A long...

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children's poetrycomicalcutefunnyhumorousmousetailtaleyoung readers

'It's Time To Face... Resignation' (Performance)

entry picture

Earlier in the week I performed 'It's Time To Face... Resignation' at the Empire Theatre in Blackburn. On the following YouTube link, you'll find my rendition!



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dicksondixonfacefactorfunnyIt'smusicperformancepeterthetimetovideoxx factorx-factorYouTube

A silly poem about hair.

entry picture











The following  is a

very silly poem

There was a girl named Shirley

whose hair was short and curly.

She never wanted to go anywhere

she hated her short curly hair.


Her mom would say, "Let's

go to the park."

Shirley would say

"Not until after dark."


There came a man

with a silly son...

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Laughing Crims poem



We run down the street to escape the local cops.

I went into the liquor store with my mate Arnie –

we looked around and spied that big fat gringo:

together we said, “Give us the cash, this is a stick up!”

He had no option – we were the guys with a sawn off.

Then it was off down the street with four bags of cash,

our haul for the day and an ea...

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Funny Onion

This onion could make any

man, woman or child cry...

but not with malcontent maliciousness.

No, tears of joy and laughter

bellow like church bells or sumo gongs

from the eyes of his audience.


He is without arms or legs,

he's carried on stage

whilst carrying the audience

on his shoulders... if he had any.


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'The Honesty of Love & the Ending of it'

'The Honesty of Love & the Ending of it'

“How was it for you?”
“You’re the best I’ve had so far today”
A lust of love that never ends

“How was it for you?”
“I’ve had better”
The end of a romance
And a murmur of a love
That could have been

“How was it for you?”
A question thought
But never asked
A love that is deceived
As required
An acknowledgement of ...

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funnyJohn Harrisonlight heartedLove

'She said / He said'

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'She said / He said'

She mocked me
With full intent
Her tongue like a razor
To slice right through me
Attack! Attack!

“This is not Poetry” she said
“It doesn’t even rhyme”
As I turned to her and said

“By your command...
But my inner self
Is not on demand
It’s not as fine
As the grains of sand
But also... not so bland”

She turned
Just like her look
She went away

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bsafe1stalwaysfunfunnyJohn Harrisonlight heartedpoempoetpoetryspoken wordthepoetjohn

Dear Justin Timberlake

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 Dearest Justin Timberlake

Firstly, hello! Thanks for reading
I like that music that you make.
It’s brill that you’re succeeding.

When N Sync split I must’ve died.
But then I heard your solo years
And your first album – Justified
Is the sole reason I have ears.

But now you’re making movies
And Oscars, you may hold -
In your trailer sipping smoothies
Mixed with caviar and g...

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comedyfunnyjust timberlakelettermusicpop

For Dicks

For Dicks

There are so many people with their dicks out on the net

I don’t want to watch a man wank off on Chatroulette

or see you sell your wares on interweb gaylairs, cock out

arse up, backwards lean, angles gleam’d to make you look

good.  No, thanks, I will not ‘post my cock pix pls’.


At least in a way there’s dignity in porn you see

for some might say at...

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