all aboard!

and the table was full

as it sailed out of the harbour

eight cows and a horse

were finishing their course

as the journey grew harder and harder

the table it tipped

and rocked on the waves

nine pigs and five dogs tried to row

the dinner was done

and so was the fun

and twelve sheep shouted “under we go!”

the table it sank

down into the sea

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a dog and a frog

who stood on a spoon

and went round the town

in their dressing gown

said the dog to the frog

oh lets spoon to the moon

so they jumped up and down

and the spoon left the ground

look look oh look at the moon

how truly exciting said the dog

spoon spoon we went on a spoon

would you believe it said the frog

to the moon to the moon

t...

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argh

the wooden pirate

with a real leg

‘pon his left shoulder

not a parrot but a peg

argh

his ship inverted

sailed ‘neath the wave

and in his treasure chest

was a craggy cave

argh

he roared with rum

empty barrels were full

his flag was white

black bones and skull

argh

the flag though ripped

caught on his hook

but not for a hand

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“Abe, easy Dee, effigy, eight chives, Jake, ale, Em,

any hope, peak you, arrest a ewe, feed other ewe”

                                                             ex-wife said

she certainly SPELT it out!

he then went on to reCOUNT

“When, too, furry forks, fave socks sieving, eat known tin”

and there was something oddly familiar about it all

when ex-husband and ...

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there's something intrinsically poetic about lists…

1.
bread (wholemeal)
twelve eggs
solar panels
occasional frogs
corporate lawyers
steam

2.
onions (red)
tomatoes (finely chopped)
garlic (four cloves)
fireman's ladder (aluminium)
disparity (secretly hidden)
mildness (abundant)
gluttony (almost definite)
mozzarella (abridged)

3.
clean sink
dirty sink
point un-necessar...

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the spider
he, with cotton in his bottom
for the silken manufacture
dressing flies he likes to capture
in the evening wear for dinner
oh the spider, what a spinner

the wasp
he, with a pin for a sting
and the flailing arms he causes
people run like wild horses
from their summer barbecues
oh the wasp, such afternoons

the ant
he, having friends in the thousands
how the picnic blanke...

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The bike are riding two by two 

Hurrah hurrah 

The bikes are riding two by two 

Hurrah hurrah 

The bikes are riding two by two 

It’s the Highway Code, but I own the road 

So Ill just keep driving on 

The bikes are now riding three by three 

Oh shite oh shite 

The bikes are now riding three by three 

Oh shite oh shite 

The bikes are riding three by three

As ...

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I try, try, try as I might,
But every time I use a semi-colon;
There's a 10% chance of it being right. 

(How did I do?)

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Yes, a mandatory retirement age in Congress

I believe it's time has arrived

We will base the age on FDR's fireside chat

And if you heard the broadcast live

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The earth's temperature will increase 1 degree this century

For climatologists this is the sum of all their fears

It was 15 to 18 degrees hotter on earth for the dinosaurs

Then again, they only lasted 200 million years

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Made arrangements to go away for my anniversary

Which then did render a thought

Does my wife really enjoy vacationing with me

Or am I her last resort

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At age 80 Harrison Ford makes another adventure movie

I guess the storyline is acceptable

Although, Indiana Jones can now only enter caves

If they are handicap accessible

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Georgia, when submitting digital driver's license pictures

Please wear clothes when due

The word mirror should be the only time

We use phrase, rear view

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Displayed on my dentist office wall, "A smile is a whisper of a laugh"

I quietly sit there in intending doom

It is meant to be a soothing thought

While screaming seeping from another room

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Bobi the oldest dog in the world just turned 31

Still his favorite thing to do is to ride in the car

Also loves to bark at children to get off his lawn

And he'll fetch bones if he remembers where they are

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Great Britain has a terrible squirrel problem

Now animal control blames budget cuts

British scientists working on a contraceptive pill

Since trying to neuter them, is just nuts

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Did you know that octopus can run on land like a cat

Now I know people like their taste

But what ablout betting on them in a speed contest

Now that is a real arms race

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The Flat Earth Society is looking to grow in popularity

Althouigh their ideas you may scoff

Going to the ends of the earth to find supporters

Since membership has fallen off

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Unfortunately, there is a large doctor shortage

New medical students, just not there

Especially proctology, gynecology, ears, nose and throat

There are several openings here

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I lay the knives, sharp, on the table, flat. 
Notes of cinnamon and spices should keep the tempo light,
As I conduct the kitchen, for my dinner party tonight. 

Knock knock, they melodically rap upon the door,
I go to greet my fine guests, yet moments before,
I turn back from the handle, for I'm not so sure,
Which of the four seasons should delight my decor?

To choose only one,...

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Why has no one ever loved me the way I love you?

Why am I on top of a hill no one wants to climb?

Why am I a chest of gold no pirate wants to find?

Why am I a question without an answer?

Why am I on top of a table, a dancer, and no one’s interested?

Why am I in a prison arrested?

Why am I always stuck in my mind, behind the bars of nerves?

Why am I left without words?

Why i...

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My cat Daisy is the baddest cat around,

She'll attack you so quick without making a sound,

She'll turn you face into a scratching post,

Take a shit then lay on the remote,

You will just think it went missing,

Ask her and she'll pretend she's not listening,

And that's my cat Daisy,

She's fuckin' crazy,

Sick and twisted maybe,

Low key though she's a crybaby,

A...

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The splash changed the course of the universe

as the fish startled in his round of the pond.

Why are you here? asked the fish.

I fell in, cried the rat, wearing water he donned.

Why did you fall in? again from the fish.

I just fell in, just fell in, that is all.

But why, you could have fallen several ways

but you fell in here so why into this pool?

I lost my balan...

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Gone in a glimpse

That life you once knew

Convinced it's a nightmare

"This can't be true"

Then keeper of dreams

Declares

"You're Awake"

You cry " It's not real

Must be a mistake! "

But weeks became weirder

Hair growing long

Some of those beards

Are seriously wrong

No more

Are the handshakes

There's limited hugs

We're all masked up now

Not just the...

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MY HOLIDAY

Travelled up upon the train, all was very good
it brought me in to Sheffield, exactly as it should

I got into a big black cab, outside the station door
from there i had a journey, as i'd never had before

The driver was a lunatic, either that or drunk
to make my journey even worse, he positively stunk

The traffic was quite heavy and very very slow
so he drove up on...

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A REALLY BAD DAY

I got up really early, the sun was in the sky
I thought "i'll do the laundry,i'm bound to get it dry,
 
I sorted out the lights and darks, and put the first load in
It washed it and it rinsed it, but then refused to spin.

In anger and frustration, I opened up the door
the water left the washing and drowned the kitchen floor.

I went to make a coffee and the kettle b...

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A Local Earthquake Today Inspired Me...

Fracking caused the earthquake

Lacking caused their heartbreak

The Magnitude of their

Solitude

Hit the Richter scale

Yet molten heat's

Release

Showed more

To them

They still made

The earth move

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Little Jimmy Bailey a wavertree lad

Lived with his brothers and a drunken dad
His mother walked out she couldn't cope
Never even left them a bar of soap
So little Jimmy with the dirty face
Wore shoes with holes and only one lace
Quick witted and fast good with his hands
Made a gutar from a box and lazzy bands
Oh he loved a sing song young Jimmy did
He wrote songs in his head since he wa...

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It's hard to live a making, hard, hard to make a living

even without the exorcist interferes. I've been a fog

harmer, a hog harmer. I have hogged farms all my life

and my father's life before that. I'm so mad I can't talk right

and the priest will probably say I'm witch crafted too.

I've already paid the lawyer more than the pork

is worth. The lawyers available to represent ...

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"Fattening up time" the wall calendar read

which meant only one  thing to old farmer Ted.

Christmas was coming and there's money to be made

you see the bigger the bird the more he'd be paid.

He'd saved up all year and bought high quality feed

to ensure that his flock was the best he could breed.

So this year Ted's turkeys would be the tastiest in town

and the best biggest...

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Surely, I'm not happy 
To lose the best friend 
It is true, not funny 
"GOD" put the final end 

Certain hour, of the day 
Whatever we are or where 
We have to say Goodbye 
"GOD" is kind and fair 

No one plans to die 
No one remains forever 
No When , Where or WHY? 
Let's pray, no suffer

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When you get writer's block
go for a walk

find a friend 
have a talk

blow bubbles
spin a top

count stars
watch birds flock

whatever you do 

don't stare 
at a blank page

as the clock
goes tick-tock. 
 

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You see the chavs unveiling torsos
Which fashion hair that always grows
The shorts his distant cousin wears
Showing us sights that only scare
The ice cream man appears once more
Serving melting ice cream through his door
You hear the neighbours having a Barbie
An hour or two later they sound rather barmy
The neighbourhood drunk stumbles as usual
And vain young girls become rather delusion...

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Got fired from my call centre job for failing the exam. Took it while doing the night shift. First I've ever done graveyard. Can't say I like it. In fact, I bloody hate night work. Unless it's in a goth club, drinking beer or grinding.

Gonna get a new job. Jimmy Boom Semtex needs beer and tattoo cash. Give him a job and let him learn. Short term memory aside, he'll do his best. Make you la...

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That August day

made me pray

for MERCY!

My head was pounding 

like a woodpecker on

a metal roof

Could hardly see

my eyes were strabismic

I reached...

in my disarranged

medicene cabinet

in my dim

bathroom

pulled out the first

pill box

my quavering hands touched

I squinted my confused eyes

to examine the fine print

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I am blessed with loving family and friends,
Who've given me things like memories and teddy bears.
They've also given things to be enjoyed for a time,
Like pretty flowers and chocolates divine....

But none of them have ever given me that which my dog did,
A dead rat and a coughing fit.
She dropped the prize at my feet, I bent down to study it,
And she licked my face, oh s...

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Oh to the sparkle ball

it calls for such beauty

Gown to the ground

rhinestones galore

Loveliness for sure

Prepare the face

to match the gown

Soon I'm wearing a frown

Pink sparkle eye shadow

became the enemy

My lid took offense

and prepared for defense

by developing a chalazion

---

Oh to the chalazion

so stubborn and at home

on my lid she sits

So p...

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Wearing rubber boots

I open the door

what kind of horror will I face?

Never been to this place

but heard of the legend 

of Michi

---

A black feline

sublime

Who protects 

her dwelling

with her fangs and claws

Got to follow her laws

or swiftly be corrected 

---

She claimed this home

after living a life of abandoment

A feral

who was tired of the p...

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I woke up this morning a bit confused

ready to go to the kitchen and swallow my pills

They help my mind get straight

if I don't take them by eight

it's too late

---

I look at the clock OH NO I over slept

---

My thoughts start to gather and circle my room

I try to grab one but it escapes me

Words start to play bumper cars in my head

soon it feels like lead

my mar...

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I wrote this for my now fiance not long after we first started seeing each other after her love for cats (and her tongue in cheek insistance she was one) inspired me to start writing again, after maybe 5 years of not picking up a pen.  I recently proposed to her through a series of short poems taking us on a treasure hunt around Edinburgh looking for J K Rowling inspired landmarks, but that's anot...

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I cannot shed 
My winters coat
At 22 degrees below
I'm still farming.....
Nearly starved last year
I know it's quite  alarming.....
But mothers says 
There aint enough
To get us through 
The winters tough
With the horses I plow away....
Into the night from start of day....
We finally got 
Our winters store
With that the horse
We plow no more
That's Winter farming....
I know it's k...

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sort your napper out peter said,
with a name like yours that is sure to spread,
mycock sure knows what to do,
when he follows a bet all the way through.
We going to the dogs? he always asks,
but listening to mycock is just one of the tasks.

With his skinny torso and milk bottle legs,
he's got a secret little way of beating those eggs,
His big slug lips and tuna pasta bake,
yet all ...

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There was a woman named Jane,
Who never liked to see it rain.
So she listened to the song umbrella,
So she could dance with a nice fit fella.
All work and no play is grim,
So she goes to turkey for a little swim.

Off she goes for all inclusive,
Whilst she looks at all the exclusives.
Keep the drinks coming, it’s all paid for,
Whilst Jane settles down on the sea shore.
Cheers cock she l...

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They married young and grew apart, as people often do.

Future life for both of them will be with someone new.

The problem though, was cash so short

they could not move their home.

Until some savings could be made,

and low cost rents be found.

Circumstance demanded that

the bed must still be shared.

Things were tough, no time for fun,

except for weekend booze.

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Not sure if this one counts as a poem, but its here anyway.

Masterdebate
Presented by John Speaker

"Hi guys and welcome to the show!
The show where we aim to make debate look like adolescent banter!
Masterdebate!

"In today's game we have two teams who have entered the room blindfolded. On the right we have the blue team led by David!

"Hi David, tell us a little about yourself but wi...

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I'm going to tell you a story, which was genuinely one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I'd always been quite cynical about the idea of ghosts and demons and spiritualism, but this moment changed that for me and made me realise that actually, we are NOT alone in this world. Please, I know and understand the cynicism of most on this topic, but I can assure you that I have not invented any...

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I'm going to give this context by starting off reading my old match and pof profile. This is genuinely real. 

It's always hard to know what to say on these things so I'm just going to fill my profile with exaggeration and nonsense.

I would describe myself as a cross between Brad Pitts character in fight club and a sensitive fireman who likes kittens. Overall I'm pretty awesome. Kind, in...

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A LESSON THAT I TAUGHT

I Teach!!

I taught...

Here's a lesson that I taught...

I had this lesson. It were ace in my mind!

The planning was tight, concise, well timed

Going into the room - my stage

Put on the teacher face, the act

(My phone is buzzing but I don't react)

Lights, camera, action! You're on!

"Hi guys! Come in, unpack your things!"

But...

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“But it’s not my fault”,

cried the mouse in dismay,

“I though I knew where I was

but appear to have lost my way”

Sat at the foot of my bed

with his hands under his head,

he tried through his tears

to relate what is here.

                  *

I set out early this morn

after nibbling on some corn

for my breakfast, on the cob is best.

I was raring to ...

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I look into the mirror, an old Woman is staring back at me!

AHH!, oh wait, it's just me.

HA! HA!

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