Poetry Blogs (2018, comedy)
“Ooh, have you seen what Gail's put on Facebook?”
“About Jade's Spanish lodger? Right made me giggle.”
“Bet you can guess what's underlined in her phrase book!”
“When I told our Kylie she fainted in Lidl.”
“She said, ‘well that explains the bar through her nipple! ‘“
“She definitely has. I've seen it full frontal.”
“So I guess the kids have another new uncle?”
“What has she be...
Friday 15th February 2019 1:28 pm
This is my attempt at a true crime/romance/poetry crossover and it’s called “There were only seven chicken meatballs in my pack of eight”.
There were only seven chicken meatballs in my pack of eight
So I opened up my Macbook to send an email of complaint.
Look. You need to get a sense of perspective.
It’s petty, it’s sad, and you sound like a git.
Thursday 14th February 2019 10:05 pm
Siberian kale with cherrystone clam
Bulgar, quinoa, and spicy brown mustard
Orange okra served with whiskey-roast ham
Red chard, leaf lard, and savoury custard
Avocado jam with relish of quince
Shaved black truffle with sourdough croutons
Sun dried tomatoes with guinea pig mince
Plantain wraps served on tiny oak futons
Sandwich menus leave me filled with remorse...
Thursday 14th February 2019 12:35 pm
Looking for venues or assistance with this to perform/tour my new show/performance coming in 2019.. Already have first venue booked for July in Manchester.
'70' A New Decade Of Fun. Is a new performance of spoken word/poetry with comedy which shows that ageing doesn't have to mean that you stop enjoying life and exploring new ideas. That ageing is not for wimps and lets put back humour in ...
Tuesday 11th December 2018 1:10 pm
everyone be hearing us.
What an exciting life you lead,
cosmic superhuman centipede.
I’m Centric G pause for the D:
ejaculating antiquating - even thoughts dilapidated.
You should go through twice
extinguish anguish from your life
cosmic zombie souls are sliced.
rubbing Atlas, struggled rolling
Monday 6th August 2018 9:31 pm
There once was a man
Who thought he’s a comic.
He didn’t need logic
‘Cause still he dreamed on.
He’d open for this one
And open at that.
On sidewalks, in nightclubs
If they’d pass the hat.
He followed his plan
And eventu’lly made it
On cruise ships and Vegas
He moved right along.
Through ups and through downs
And fights with his agents
Thursday 12th July 2018 2:56 pm
Tuesday 5th June 2018 2:55 pm
He’s the stand up comedian
who can barely stand at all,
a stage-light lit chameleon
teetering, about to fall.
He’s a sure shot laugh a minute
rapid firing from the tongue.
On targets there’s no limit,
you’re in trouble if you’re one.
He’s a jester and a thinker
loved and hated too,
a philanderer and drinker
who never pulled a punch he threw.
Friday 7th April 2017 9:32 am
There was a monk
well, a former monk
and he was handing out free cups of tea
As he did he spoke of
and letting go of material possessions.
I took him up on his offer and we conversed
but then he asked me about my job
and I ashamedly admitted that I felt down
I work for a corporation
but he held me in a s...
Sunday 12th June 2016 9:45 pm
The lawnmower man
is buzzing my room
around and around he goes,
un-concerned at the height of the grass
I really don't care if it grows.
I’m plugged in,
My heartbeat peaks and falls,
I breathe through an airway
and have tubes in my balls.
So let the grass grow
and block out the light
let the grim mower
leave early tonight
He can come...
Monday 25th April 2016 12:33 pm
Black ink black made mood
seasonally adjusted by pen
of poets and men
Monday 25th April 2016 12:26 am
I'm going to tell you a story, which was genuinely one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I'd always been quite cynical about the idea of ghosts and demons and spiritualism, but this moment changed that for me and made me realise that actually, we are NOT alone in this world. Please, I know and understand the cynicism of most on this topic, but I can assure you that I have not invented any...
Monday 28th March 2016 10:45 pm
Is it expelled already
all that was breathed in?
Less came forth
than was consumed
Disappointed by expression
an intelligence recession
giving birth to rolling news
This degradation in thought
its downward spiral cast
seems never dammed or caught
Sunday 27th March 2016 4:56 pm
3Write is a new free monthly writing event at the heart of the local community in Ashton-under-Lyne. It takes place every first Saturday at Ashton Library starting at Noon on Saturday 5th March, and is open to people of all ages and abilities.
The premise is 3 themes per session, and 3 styles of writing per session. We then 3Write. With the growing spoken word scene in Tameside (with big p...
Monday 29th February 2016 4:59 pm
as i sit across from her i knew i had to say something, but the only problem was, how do i go about doing so?
i have wanted to tell her for a while now but i get all flustered when i try.
how can it be so difficult to get a few words out i mean its barely even a sentence.
i know that the longer i wait the harder its going to get but shes looking at me, with no idea of what i am about to say.
Thursday 25th June 2015 3:48 am
i knew that she was the one, i knew it from the moment i looked at her.
she had no idea that i knew and i just stood there and smiled to myself.
I probably looked like an idiot, grinning ear to ear but hey i couldn't help myself.
i had this warm feeling inside of me, feeling rather giddy if you may.
not quite to the point of laughter but enough to keep me entertained in the slightest of ways.
Thursday 25th June 2015 3:45 am
Peppercorn eyes or was it peppermint eyes, does it matter?
Something...orginal eyes! Something blazing eyes...something dreamy and crapper.
Yes, so he tasted of morning breath and the blandness of saliva
but just write that he tasted of strawberries and hope because that sounds a lot nicer!
...Wait... stop! The ryhme is off!
Can you have more ryhme this time, less variation.
Wednesday 24th June 2015 7:05 pm
Sunday 19th April 2015 8:20 pm
Sunday 19th April 2015 7:57 pm
Wednesday 15th April 2015 9:21 pm
a poem i wrote about my uncoditional love for flames.
I like to play with matches
I like to see stuff burn
people think i'm tapped in the head
but when they gonna learn
the smell of fresh turpentine
is a scent i love to taste
Please give me your unwanted items
and don't let them go to waste
now some people are addicted to sex
and others like to steal
but the only i like to see naked is...
Wednesday 4th February 2015 12:57 pm
Monday 26th January 2015 8:38 pm
Fox News got an expert in
to tell them about terror
he said he had some beans to spill
and then he made this error
if you ever needed evidence
his analysis is cracked
he told them Birmingham’s gone Muslim
it’s a #foxnewsfact
he’s seen the Mecca Bingo halls
and put two and two together
then come up with 5, or 39,
he’s really not that clever
he thinks Aston’s...
Tuesday 13th January 2015 10:06 am
Gossamer-silk strands wove into artwork,
Hung on bramble, glistening with morning dew,
Frail as a whisper, destroyed by one rainfall
And the artist must start his creation anew.
But don't be fooled by its delicacy!
The web holds a license to kill
Its grip of death with embrace you
And its Monster, concealed, lurks in shadows, so still.
So when dancing, nonchalant, through the air,
Tuesday 7th October 2014 2:46 pm
I want to grow old disgracefully and drive all my carers crazy,
I’ll swing from the chandeliers, I’ll overfill the bath,
Then blame it on my dementia whilst I stand there and laugh. I want to climb the rafters and play hide and seek,
I never want my bones to grow old, frail and weak,
I want to make the children laugh and ...
Wednesday 20th August 2014 12:08 pm
J Roger Platt, insignificant chap
Had an ordinary sort of employ
But his wife was a martyr to his penchant for barter –
DIY’s what he used to enjoy
What he couldn’t do with an old tube of glue
And a short piece of string or a tack
Wasn’t worth wr...
Tuesday 1st April 2014 10:33 pm
the cuckoo waltz
smooth and fluid
where the others
feet, hands, eyes,
one will lead
then the other
of fool, clown,
a knowing look
a fleeting glance
Thursday 10th October 2013 5:11 pm
Monday 13th May 2013 12:52 pm
Monday 13th May 2013 12:48 pm
Hope you can join us an entertaining evening of Comedy, Poetry and Live Music this Thursday at 8pm at Vinyl Bar, Lark Lane. Admission is FREE.
Liverpool Acoustic Songwriter of the Year- Vanessa Murray
Talented Wordsmith – Reece Goldstrein
Sunday 14th April 2013 11:25 pm
Im very excited not only because its 2 DAYS TILL PROS & COMS but also we have hot water comedy's finest Paul Smith joining us. other guest include Stephen L Smith and Denis Joe
show starts at 8pm see you there. 88-90 lark lane, aigburth L17 8UU.
and its still free
Paul In action
Tuesday 19th March 2013 5:03 pm
Team GUM are taking on the Riff Awards.
Like the Riff page here: https://www.facebook.com/RiffMediaUK
Send an email to: email@example.com
Put forward Kris Fogg for BEST NEWCOMER.
Put forward Ushiku Crisafulli for BEST NON MUSICAL ENTERTAINER.
You'll see us both repping Riff at RIFF SURVIVAL SUNDAY - MARCH 31st
Sunday 17th February 2013 5:24 pm
It came to pass that my bum turned to farce,
A horrid soreness had came bulging through,
At first unsure, I did not have a clue
About the grapes now glowing from my arse.
It came to pass that ideal idea shone,
And cost of treatment would be just some pence,
No reason now to sit astride the fence
When cured I could be soon with problem gone.
Thursday 24th January 2013 6:05 pm
When through the night wet snow came down
Six valorous souls traipsed into town,
Cold drips down necks made trudgers flinch,
Their sliding steps progressed by inch.
I slogged away that sodden night
To build a snowman strong and bright,
Warm snow stayed wet and soon it flopped,
When snowman sank, my spirits dropped.
Another project sprang to mind...
Monday 21st January 2013 12:44 pm
Feria - A Spanish Comedy by N.E. David made it as our first ebook. This is a lovely book in the wonderful tradition of Clochmerle but set in Spain rather than very rural France. It has all the ingredients, Fiesta, Terrorism, Paella, Love, Lust, lashings of booze, and cracking good read.
To buy in the UK visit http://amzn.to/Lk280v
To buy in the US visit http://amzn.to/NpUiAZ
Sunday 8th July 2012 10:16 am
ALPHABET SOUP A is for apple, all juicy and ripe. B is for bottle, all shiny & bright. C is for chocolate, all tasty & nice. D is for doggy, with bright, sparkly eyes. E is for egg, with a nice runny yolk. F is for friends and other nice folk. G is for games, all happy and fun. H is for home, when your dinner is done. I is for igloo, a house made of snow. J is for jelly, all co...
Sunday 24th June 2012 2:57 am
POTIONS AND PILLS I once met a witch, Who claimed she was white. I said, "Well ok, I'm not sure, but alright". She said she could cure us, Of all of our ills, Without the need, For potions or pills. I said, "I have back-ache, What can you do?". She said "Close your eyes, And take off your shoes". I asked, "Will that help?", Thinking this was a joke. "No, but the c...
Monday 18th June 2012 11:34 pm
My book - 'Your Sax Is On Fire' is now an incredible £3.99 when you type SAFIRE into the discount code box on
Thursday 26th April 2012 1:14 pm
I am a fashion womble, ‘cause I like to find
clothes that the everyday folk leave behind
in charity shops. They’ve got quite a range
the vintage, the bargain, the oddball and strange:
Chenille turtlenecks that are falling to pieces,
stonewashed Wranglers with turn-ups and creases,
a Hellbunny dress that won’t fit round the middle,
a gabardine coat that smells s...
Friday 24th February 2012 9:09 am
They say romance can sweep a girl from off her feet
but you lift yours with a tut as I hoover underneath
then mash the volume button till all that we can hear
is ALL SCOUSERS LOVE TO NICK HUB CAPS.
It’s Clarkson on Top Gear.
As they load each other’s rides with anvils for racing in the Bahamas
it’s the televisual progeny of Jeremy Beadle and Judith Chalmers.
Only WE ...
Thursday 16th February 2012 9:45 am
I saw a jolly hunter
In the jolly sun
With his jolly mistress
Having jolly fun.
Kissed his jolly mistress
On the jolly lips;
She wrapped her jolly legs
Round his jolly hips.
Hunter jolly eager -
Jolly cares gone.
Forgot jolly safety catch
Not jolly on.
Jolly mistress laughed as she
Jolly hunter rode;
Bang went jolly hunte...
Thursday 24th November 2011 10:05 pm
I've borne much fruit throughout my life
so be it in a Biblical sense
The fruits of my loins have borne fruit of their own
and amassed great material wealth
the years fly by and the body crumbles
I'm a shadow of my former self
so these days I carry a bunch of grapes
alas, not for the good of my health.
I feed them and tend to them daily
as we must do with all...
Thursday 18th August 2011 5:19 pm
This onion could make any
man, woman or child cry...
but not with malcontent maliciousness.
No, tears of joy and laughter
bellow like church bells or sumo gongs
from the eyes of his audience.
He is without arms or legs,
he's carried on stage
whilst carrying the audience
on his shoulders... if he had any....
Tuesday 7th June 2011 11:16 pm
This poem is written in dedication to this beautifully stupid article here: Fashion’s Ultimate Insult to Women, by Amanda Platell
Ladies! Remember how we’re all repressed?
And we cower in the mirror as we get undressed?
And we heave regret on our neglectful mothers
When we see one boob is bigger than the other? And when they didn’t stock YOUR size at New Look -
Didn’t it feel like Joa...
Friday 25th February 2011 5:05 pm
There’s a tropical isle, Gran Canaria,
Famed for sun, sea and sand –
Mavis and Fred flew over,
To escape Lancashire’s cold winter land.
Mavis said, “Eee, ‘tis hot in these woolly tights,
Let’s find summer shorts that flatter me bum
Throw away beiges and blacks,
Colour up, like the sky and the sun!”
She returned like a red hibiscus
(And that were only her face...
Saturday 19th February 2011 8:28 pm
Shall I compare Andy Scott-Lee to Darren Day?
Thou art more stubbly; and more delicate.
Rough hair doth shake the singers of Hear*Say
But Andy at least, is not bankrupt
Sometimes, Michelle Heaton doth pine
And often is her gold complexion dimm’d
Every premiere from premiere never declined
By chance Heat snaps her armpits trimm’d
But Andy shall never be Darren Day!
Nor charged for possession of ...
Thursday 17th February 2011 2:11 pm
Dearest Justin Timberlake
Firstly, hello! Thanks for reading
I like that music that you make.
It’s brill that you’re succeeding.
When N Sync split I must’ve died.
But then I heard your solo years
And your first album – Justified
Is the sole reason I have ears.
But now you’re making movies
And Oscars, you may hold -
In your trailer sipping smoothies
Mixed with caviar and g...
Thursday 21st October 2010 12:52 am
I buy sparkly jackets to substantiate
The fact I may be interesting to talk to
‘Cause glitter makes for fancy mates
And opportunities to gawk through
I wear leather pants for reasons
Unknown to me, unknown to
Legions of Grease Fan’s nether regions
Yet Newton John pulls through.
I pledge in allegiance to large hats
That I purchase whilst very mashed
From inauspicious looking...
Monday 13th September 2010 4:11 pm