Poetry Blogs (2018, comedy)

The Town Crier of Comics

There once was a man

Who thought he’s a comic.

He didn’t need logic

‘Cause still he dreamed on.

 

He’d open for this one

And open at that.

On sidewalks, in nightclubs

If they’d pass the hat.

 

He followed his plan

And eventu’lly made it

On cruise ships and Vegas

He moved right along.

 

Through ups and through downs

And fights with his agents

He fo...

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comedy

Black Betty by Huddie Ledbetter read by David Williams in the style of Sir John Betjeman

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A little fun and whimsical nonsense! Anybody remember Peter Sellers reading 'Balham Gateway to the South?'

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comedyhumoursketchwhimsy

A Tale Of Reincarnation

6th December

Sunday

Leeds

There was a monk
well, a former monk
and he was handing out free cups of tea
to passers-by
As he did he spoke of
Great Energies
Oneness
and letting go of material possessions.

I took him up on his offer and we conversed
but then he asked me about my job
and I ashamedly admitted that I felt down
because
I work for a corporation
but he held me in a s...

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black humourcomedyhumourleedspoempoetrypunkpunk poetry

Haiku: Method Poets

Black ink black made mood

seasonally adjusted by pen

of poets and men

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Black humourComedyDeception

The Evil Tree

I'm going to tell you a story, which was genuinely one of the most terrifying moments of my life. I'd always been quite cynical about the idea of ghosts and demons and spiritualism, but this moment changed that for me and made me realise that actually, we are NOT alone in this world. Please, I know and understand the cynicism of most on this topic, but I can assure you that I have not invented any...

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branchbutterflycaterpillarcomedyevilfunnygood and evilHorrorleaftree

3 Write

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3Write is a new free monthly writing event at the heart of the local community in Ashton-under-Lyne. It takes place every first Saturday at Ashton Library starting at Noon on Saturday 5th March, and is open to people of all ages and abilities.

 

The premise is 3 themes per session, and 3 styles of writing per session. We then 3Write. With the growing spoken word scene in Tameside (with big p...

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33WriteAshtonAshton-under-LyneAshtonLibraryComedyFreewritingGuestsManchesterMusicPoetrySharingSpokenWordTamesideThemesTrinityUshikuCrisafulliWorkshopsWriting

I Picked You

as i sit across from her i knew i had to say something, but the only problem was, how do i go about doing so?
i have wanted to tell her for a while now but i get all flustered when i try.
how can it be so difficult to get a few words out i mean its barely even a sentence.
i know that the longer i wait the harder its going to get but shes looking at me, with no idea of what i am about to say.
o...

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comedylove

The Elevator

i knew that she was the one, i knew it from the moment i looked at her.
she had no idea that i knew and i just stood there and smiled to myself.
I probably looked like an idiot, grinning ear to ear but hey i couldn't help myself.
i had this warm feeling inside of me, feeling rather giddy if you may.
not quite to the point of laughter but enough to keep me entertained in the slightest of ways.
...

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comedylove

Writing 'proper' poetry

Peppercorn eyes or was it peppermint eyes, does it matter?

Something...orginal eyes! Something blazing eyes...something dreamy and crapper.

Yes, so he tasted of morning breath and the blandness of saliva

but just write that he tasted of strawberries and hope because that sounds a lot nicer!

...Wait... stop! The ryhme is off!

Can you have more ryhme this time, less variation.

Sort...

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comedyhumourliteraturepoetryprestigerestrictionsrules

Jeopardy

Jeopardy 
 
Standing there silently
Just having a wee
Staring at the wall
‘Cos there's nothing to see
 
Just wiggling it about
To alter the stream
Peace and tranquility
Is not what it seems
 
There’s ying and yang 
And other forces at play
The imps are at work
Set to ruin your day
 
It starts at that moment
When the bladders half empty
Half ...

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Bawdy humourComedyToilet

Put It Away

Put It Away
 
The time is upon us
When the sun comes out
Inhibitions change
Of that, there's no doubt
 
Like the flick of a switch
Deep inside the brain
When the weather moves
To sun from the rain
 
It affects everyone
From the fit to the fat
Questions respectability
Can't comprehend that
 
The men and women
Are both equally bad
Displaying t...

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comedysummersunshine

I saw the light - 1

more spoken word than poetry - but no matter...

hope you enjoy...

part 2 - https://t.co/zqSLeepxZj

part 3 - https://t.co/ZWlgoxaJiH

 

http://bluemedia68.blogspot.co.uk/

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comedy

Confessions Of A Pyromaniac

a poem  i wrote about my uncoditional love for flames.

I like to play with matches
I like to see stuff burn
people think i'm tapped in the head
but when they gonna learn

the smell of fresh turpentine
is a scent i love to taste
Please give me your unwanted items
and don't let them go to waste

now some people are addicted to sex
and others like to steal
but the only i like to see naked is...

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addictionscomedyfirepoem

Writer's Block

Need to get started
Got so much to write
Put pen to paper
Just keep writing shite
I've tried all the tricks
Walked round the room
Made a cup of tea
No va-va-va-voom
Still sitting here now 
Not sure what to do
Stuck for ideas
Not a fucking clue
Oh, hang on a mo
One has come in now
Nope Wonderstuff lyrics
"The size of a cow"
I'm trying too hard
...

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comedyHumour

FoxNewsFact

Fox News got an expert in

to tell them about terror

he said he had some beans to spill

and then he made this error

if you ever needed evidence

his analysis is cracked

he told them Birmingham’s gone Muslim

it’s a #foxnewsfact

 

he’s seen the Mecca Bingo halls

and put two and two together

then come up with 5, or 39,

he’s really not that clever

he thinks Aston’s...

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birminghamcomedyfox newsislamnewswest midlands.

Warning To All Flying Insects!

Gossamer-silk strands wove into artwork, 
Hung on bramble, glistening with morning dew, 
Frail as a whisper, destroyed by one rainfall 
And the artist must start his creation anew.

But don't be fooled by its delicacy! 
The web holds a license to kill 
Its grip of death with embrace you 
And its Monster, concealed, lurks in shadows, so still. 

So when dancing, nonchalant, through the air, 
Beware! T...

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comedydeathsillyspiderspiderweb

Growing Old Disgracefully

When I grow old I don’t want to be the typical idea of elderly,
I want to grow old disgracefully and drive all my carers crazy,
I’ll swing from the chandeliers, I’ll overfill the bath,
Then blame it on my dementia whilst I stand there and laugh.   I want to climb the rafters and play hide and seek,
I never want my bones to grow old, frail and weak,
I want to make the children laugh and ...

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Anthony R M AndrewsComedyGrowing OldOld Age

The Ballad Of The Artful Dodger

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J Roger Platt, insignificant chap

Had an ordinary sort of employ

But his wife was a martyr to his penchant for barter –

DIY’s what he used to enjoy

What he couldn’t do with an old tube of glue

And a short piece of string or a tack

Wasn’t worth wr...

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comedy

the cuckoo waltz

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the cuckoo waltz

 

two men

dancing  around

each other

their movement

smooth and fluid

Instinctively

knowing

where the others

feet, hands, eyes,

words, gestures,

will land

one will lead

then the other

a steady

interchange

juxtaposition

of fool, clown,

idiot, hero

a knowing look

a fleeting glance

of shame

...

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comedydanceold moviesoliver hardyslapstickstan laurelthe cuckoo waltz

Make it a date with Ralph Killey

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Make it a date at 8pm this Thursday with The PENNY LANE POET Vinyl Bar 88-90 Lark Lane
http://t.co/kltDpK9U4S

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comedyLive MusicLiverpoolLiverpool poetry

Make it a date at 8pm

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Make it a date at 8pm this THURSDAY with Sophie Anderson @VinylLarkLane http://t.co/DDRJEd4ZqZ

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comedyLive MusicLiverpool poetry

Make a date with Pros and Coms

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Hi Everybody,

Hope you can join us an entertaining evening of Comedy, Poetry and Live Music this Thursday at 8pm at Vinyl Bar, Lark Lane.  Admission is FREE.

 

Acts Include:

Liverpool  Acoustic Songwriter of the Year- Vanessa Murray

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Talented Wordsmith – Reece Goldstrein

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...

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comedyLive MusicLiverpoolPoetryThursday

READ AL LABOUT IT

Hi Everybody

Im very excited  not only because its 2 DAYS TILL PROS & COMS but also we have hot water comedy's finest Paul Smith joining us. other guest include Stephen L Smith and Denis Joe

show starts at 8pm see you there. 88-90 lark lane, aigburth L17 8UU.

and its still free

Paul In action

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akh2nmxxlGA

 

 

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ComedyLiverpoolPoetryThursday

Team GUM at Riff Awards/Riff News

Team GUM are taking on the Riff Awards.

Step 1.

Like the Riff page here: https://www.facebook.com/RiffMediaUK

Step 2.

Send an email to: adam-ruane@hotmail.co.uk

Put forward Kris Fogg for BEST NEWCOMER.

Put forward Ushiku Crisafulli for BEST NON MUSICAL ENTERTAINER.

You'll see us both repping Riff at RIFF SURVIVAL SUNDAY - MARCH 31st

Cheers,
Ushiku.

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ArtistsAwardsComedyCountryFoggHip HopIndependentIndependent MusicKrisKris FoggLocalLocal ArtistsMusicMusiciansRiffRiff AwardsRiff Survival SundayRockSpoken WordSundaySurvivalThe Five Faces of FulliUshikuUshiku CrisafulliVariety

Grapes of Wrath

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It came to pass that my bum turned to farce,

A horrid soreness had came bulging through,

At first unsure, I did not have a clue

About the grapes now glowing from my arse.

 

It came to pass that ideal idea shone,

And cost of treatment would be just some pence,

No reason now to sit astride the fence

When cured I could be soon with problem gone.

 

It c...

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comedy

Foot of Snow

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When through the night wet snow came down

Six valorous souls traipsed into town,

Cold drips down necks made trudgers flinch,

Their sliding steps progressed by inch.

 

I slogged away that sodden night

To build a snowman strong and bright,

Warm snow stayed wet and soon it flopped,

When snowman sank, my spirits dropped.

 

Another project sprang to mind

...

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comedy

Feria - A Spanish Comedy

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Feria - A Spanish Comedy by N.E. David made it as our first ebook. This is a lovely book in the wonderful tradition of Clochmerle but set in Spain rather than very rural France. It has all the ingredients, Fiesta, Terrorism, Paella, Love, Lust, lashings of booze, and cracking good read.

To buy in the UK visit http://amzn.to/Lk280v

To buy in the US visit http://amzn.to/NpUiAZ

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ComedyEBookFeriaHumourLoveSpain

Alphabet Soup

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ALPHABET SOUP A is for apple, all juicy and ripe. B is for bottle, all shiny & bright. C is for chocolate, all tasty & nice. D is for doggy, with bright, sparkly eyes. E is for egg, with a nice runny yolk. F is for friends and other nice folk. G is for games, all happy and fun. H is for home, when your dinner is done. I is for igloo, a house made of snow. J is for jelly, all co...

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alphabetchildren's poetrycomedyfoodsoup

Potions & Pills

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POTIONS AND PILLS I once met a witch, Who claimed she was white. I said, "Well ok, I'm not sure, but alright". She said she could cure us, Of all of our ills, Without the need, For potions or pills. I said, "I have back-ache, What can you do?". She said "Close your eyes, And take off your shoes". I asked, "Will that help?", Thinking this was a joke. "No, but the c...

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comedyhaloweenpillspotionswitch

Save £2 on my book - 'Your Sax Is On Fire'

My book - 'Your Sax Is On Fire' is now an incredible £3.99 when you type SAFIRE into the discount code box on

http://www.troubador.co.uk/book_info.asp?bookid=1594

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comedyhumourpoetrysatire

Fashion Womble

I am a fashion womble, ‘cause I like to find

clothes that the everyday folk leave behind

in charity shops. They’ve got quite a range

the vintage, the bargain, the oddball and strange:

 

Chenille turtlenecks that are falling to pieces,

stonewashed Wranglers with turn-ups and creases,

a Hellbunny dress that won’t fit round the middle,

a gabardine coat that smells s...

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comedyfashion

Love is The Stig

They say romance can sweep a girl from off her feet

but you lift yours with a tut as I hoover underneath

then mash the volume button till all that we can hear

is ALL SCOUSERS LOVE TO NICK HUB CAPS.

It’s Clarkson on Top Gear.

As they load each other’s rides with anvils for racing in the Bahamas

it’s the televisual progeny of Jeremy Beadle and Judith Chalmers.

Only WE ...

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comedy

Jolly Fun (with apologies to Charles Causley)

I saw a jolly hunter

In the jolly sun

With his jolly mistress

Having jolly fun.

 

Kissed his jolly mistress

On the jolly lips;

She wrapped her jolly legs

Round his jolly hips.

 

Hunter jolly eager -

Jolly cares gone.

Forgot jolly safety catch

Not jolly on.

 

Jolly mistress laughed as she

Jolly hunter rode;

Bang went jolly hunte...

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comedy

Grapes Of Wrath

I've borne much fruit throughout my life

so be it in a Biblical sense

The fruits of my loins have borne fruit of their own

and amassed great material wealth

the years fly by and the body crumbles

I'm a shadow of my former self

so these days I carry a bunch of grapes

alas, not for the good of my health.

I feed them and tend to them daily

as we must do with all...

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afflictionarse grapeschalfontscomedyfarmer gileshaemorrhoidshumourpiles

Funny Onion

This onion could make any

man, woman or child cry...

but not with malcontent maliciousness.

No, tears of joy and laughter

bellow like church bells or sumo gongs

from the eyes of his audience.

 

He is without arms or legs,

he's carried on stage

whilst carrying the audience

on his shoulders... if he had any.

...

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ComedyFunnyOnionSillyVegetables

Thankyou, Amanda Platell

 

This poem is written in dedication to this beautifully stupid article here: Fashion’s Ultimate Insult to Women, by Amanda Platell 

Ladies! Remember how we’re all repressed?
And we cower in the mirror as we get undressed?
And we heave regret on our neglectful mothers
When we see one boob is bigger than the other? And when they didn’t stock YOUR size at New Look -
Didn’t it feel like Joa...

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comedyDaily MailSatire

Fed and Mavis On Their Travels

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There’s a tropical isle, Gran Canaria,

Famed for sun, sea and sand –

Mavis and Fred flew over,

To escape Lancashire’s cold winter land.

Mavis said, “Eee, ‘tis hot in these woolly tights,

Let’s find summer shorts that flatter me bum

Throw away beiges and blacks,

Colour up, like the sky and the sun!”

She returned like a red hibiscus

(And that were only her face...

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comedyelderly

Sonnet Scott-Lee

 

Shall I compare Andy Scott-Lee to Darren Day?
Thou art more stubbly; and more delicate.
Rough hair doth shake the singers of Hear*Say 
But Andy at least, is not bankrupt 
Sometimes, Michelle Heaton doth pine
And often is her gold complexion dimm’d 
Every premiere from premiere never declined
By chance Heat snaps her armpits trimm’d
But Andy shall never be Darren Day!
Nor charged for possession of ...

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comedypop music

Dear Justin Timberlake

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 Dearest Justin Timberlake

Firstly, hello! Thanks for reading
I like that music that you make.
It’s brill that you’re succeeding.

When N Sync split I must’ve died.
But then I heard your solo years
And your first album – Justified
Is the sole reason I have ears.

But now you’re making movies
And Oscars, you may hold -
In your trailer sipping smoothies
Mixed with caviar and g...

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comedyfunnyjust timberlakelettermusicpop

Glitz

 I buy sparkly jackets to substantiate

The fact I may be interesting to talk to
‘Cause glitter makes for fancy mates
And opportunities to gawk through

I wear leather pants for reasons
Unknown to me, unknown to
Legions of Grease Fan’s nether regions
Yet Newton John pulls through.

I pledge in allegiance to large hats
That I purchase whilst very mashed
From inauspicious looking...

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comedyfashionhumour

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