self harm (Remove filter)
Tumours
I'm laying on the operating table
The lights almost blinding me
As I wait for the anaesthetic to kick in
Waiting for the bliss of sleep
I realise...
There was no anaesthetic
I begin to panic but my body stays still
As if I'm chained up to the table
As if my brain is denying control
I feel each cut the surgeon makes
I feel a warm liquid dripping down my...
Wednesday 28th August 2024 3:06 pm
Escalate
Is there something to explain?
Is there someone left to blame?
Do you know why you are here?
Would you rather disappear?
As there's so many young people out there
Looking for the same thing
And there's so many young people out there
Trying to play the blame game
So listen up young people
Tell me what it is inside
Trying to cut away your heart strings
and ...
Monday 8th April 2024 11:38 am
hospital print (02/04/2024)
I can hear it
the bending wire
of the armistice:
twisted and tined
plucked high and fine
and bitten
for a taste of fast and cheap iron
a prickling thrill provokes
like a high water line
makes me wonder
what chokes
and what it takes
to be full
to be whole
instead,
the best I can do is a side of myself
and a garnish of mint
(for color)
even while raked raw
naked, id ...
Monday 4th March 2024 10:36 am
blood off my nails
carve the cloth off my skin,
wipe the polish off my nails,
scrape the itch off my flesh;
i can’t help it,
i won’t stand it again.
strawberry dressing on vanilla ice cream;
paint spilled over the notebook’s page
i feel the ink in my fingerprints,
it’s staining my hands.
i don’t know that i’ll ever get it out again
rip the skin off my bones,
pry my nails of...
Saturday 30th September 2023 3:46 pm
CUTS
CUTS
When I think of her I think of scars.
She told me when she touches them they remind her of the cuts;
of how the cuts made her feel,
“it’s a purge”, she said, “a sense of being real".
She spoke to me with honesty of the incremental cost
of destroying the things she held so dear
now irretrievably lost.
Of how, through her inner turmoil,
she could meet the gi...
Sunday 30th January 2022 1:41 pm
Where You Begin
The first time
Is a pin prick
To unstitch
Your skin
To feel yourself
Begin
You search your being
You are it:
Coursing through yourself
The second time
You search inside
A stranger
Behind the corner shop
You find where he begins
Adrenaline!
But come back,
Stinking of rot
Void of thought
To feel what?
What are you searching for?
To begin ag...
Sunday 22nd November 2020 10:30 am
Poem for my big sister
A poem for my big sister about our grandparents ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once upon a time there were two sisters
One dark
One fair...
You
And me
And we shared
Sweets
Dreams
A bed
A room
A home
A family
An abuse
A neglect
A secret
A history
And yet here we are
So very different.
We shared so much
And yet so very little
You were
A coconut ...
Wednesday 28th October 2020 6:15 am
The Blame Game.
She spun and spun
And weaved a web
So intricate
So delicate
And at once impenetrable.
No one could see
The pedalling feet beneath
The turning of the many cogs
The machine whirring and wearing away inside of her.
Her past an ever present.
Her future already decided.
Fate was never to be on her side.
They'd seen to that.
They stole her innocence
Her joy
Her pride.
Bitter was ...
Sunday 27th September 2020 10:44 am
A fight to survive
Seeing the beautiful sky,
From my dead eyes.
Wondering the beauty in the holy night,
Dark was the only colour which helps me to hide.
Hiding my sadness my sorrows my fear my cries,
Trying my best to keep the face with smile.
My hobbies,my joy, my emotions were becoming day by day a bit fewer,
Now I am just existing in the world, can't even face myself in the mirror.
...
Monday 7th September 2020 6:58 pm
A Bitter and Twisted Poem for my Beautiful Sister, Su.
We shared
Sweets
Dreams
A bed
A room
A home
A family
An abuse
A neglect
A secret
A history
And yet here we are
So very fucking different
We shared so very much
And yet so very little
You were
A coconut cake girl
To my burnt gingerbread
An exotic orange
To my plain apple
A wanted girl
To my nuisance
A beautiful girl
To my awkwardness
A favourite
Of aunts and teachers and co...
Monday 6th January 2020 5:09 pm
Inside a house
Dark outside,
you see inside.
I’m standing there,
without a care,
but looking out,
i’m full of doubts.
I’m projecting pride,
but have nearly died.
He makes my tea,
you see he loves me.
I appear to have done
nothing for it.
My inner voice,
gives me no choice,
where you can’t see,
I slice my extremity,
the blood runs down,
into the family’s dishes.
...Wednesday 27th November 2019 6:43 pm
Scars
My scars have piled up like leaves on Autumn grass.
My knees are a testament to lake pollution
and MRSA.
My hands tell the story of a rambuncious youth
yearning for adventure.
My thighs are a roadmap of mental illness
and a fondness for razor blades.
My face bears the craters from a begone allergy
My mouth is the magnum opus of a poorly trained dog,
whom I miss everyday.
...Monday 21st October 2019 3:57 pm
Burn
I’m not a pyromaniac, but my emotions are like a fire.
Not dealing with past trauma because I don’t have what that would require.
So when I find myself alone and fighting the darkness in my head,
I end up saying so many things I wish were never said.
And as I look around at all the bridges that I’ve burned,
I know that by now, I really should have learned.
And as the smoke clears and my la...
Saturday 28th September 2019 3:29 pm
Of Flesh
Her skin can open up like a mouth
It can speak
When it parts
It can extend like a tongue
It can taste
Your arteries are seams
Try to unpeel them
Slip off your flesh
Undress
Search your pores
For secret trap doors
Let the inside out
Part it like a mouth
Like hers
It can speak
Unfold the red carpets
Of rolled and folded tongue
Let it searc...
Sunday 27th January 2019 12:48 pm
The Prison
Unwanted emotions tumble and groan crashing through my mind unwelcome
As I sit forlorn, an empty shell of my previous beautiful self
What was once a blessing is now a curse
Something that hurts with an unreversible pain
As I'm fading, giving in to the dark night
A voice, soft and steady breaks the silence
A flutter flows through my stomach and my heart beats almost to the point ...
Tuesday 15th January 2019 8:26 am
Loving You Hurts
Loving you hurts
There are mornings I wake up, wondering if you survived the night
Hoping and praying that you didn't hurt yourself
Knowing that you probably
I worry I don't do enough
That I don't tell how much you mean to me enough
Waking up crying because I dreamt you had died
And it felt so real
If I could do anything to make stop your pain I would
But I'm p...
Thursday 30th August 2018 9:41 pm
Have you noticed?
Have you noticed how I’m chewing gum again?
How apples have become my favourite food again?
That I can’t sit down because of the bruises again?
How I replace meals with jogging or writing or playing again?
Have you noticed that I’m drinking coffee again?
Have you noticed me?
I want someone to notice me.
Will you notice me again?
The water is starting to hurt again.
I don...
Tuesday 7th August 2018 11:04 am
An Ode to Depression
Her soul, once whole,
Hollow like a cave,
Inching towards the grave.
Empty like the lies,
Told by her eyes.
They ask, "why all the pain? Are you insane?"
All my efforts in vain.
The simple key that will last a mile,
A fake and empty smile,
Trasparent, they say, elusive as ever
Telling her to live forever, never say never,
But her feelings, now here's a tw...
Thursday 5th July 2018 3:07 pm
An Ode to Depression
Her soul, once whole,
Hollow like a cave,
Inching towards the grave.
Empty like the lies,
Told by her eyes.
They ask, "why all the pain? Are you insane?"
All my efforts in vain.
The simple key that will last a mile,
A fake and empty smile,
Trasparent, they say, elusive as ever
Telling her to live forever, never say never,
But her feelings, now here's a tw...
Thursday 5th July 2018 3:02 pm
So Unpredictable
25/10/11
So unpredictable.
So sharp and so cunning
Is the pain that run through me,
Hideous yet so stunning.
I want to keep it here,
I want to feel it's cold aching
Blood spilling from me
My heart is still breaking
What if I want it to stop?
Please, leave me alone!
It'll be there. Waiting.
For me to decay down to bones.
Maybe that's what I wa...
Thursday 15th February 2018 9:55 pm
Who Cares?
(spoken wordy angsty teenagery type poem; a work in progress)
I just need a friend
someone to turn to,
but what's the point in a friend if that friend isn't you?
Yiu see, i've got my demons
but you've got yours too.
You've got problems with the scale and you hair smells stale from all the cigarettes you smoke to curb the cravings
anf your stomach growls, begs, pleads.
But no amount of ...
Friday 16th December 2016 7:53 pm
New Wounds
Fetch the scissors
Bring the knife too
I've found something
for me to do
Watch the blood drip
Make a red puddle
They all seem to judge
Without knowing the struggle
If they can all hurt me
I can hurt me too
I feel like I deserve it anyway,
That's why I do what I do
"Attention seeker"
That's what they label me
But they don't know
What I have to see
Monday 25th July 2016 5:44 am
Self Harm Poem
Queen of the jungle,
this sprawling metropolis.
Feline and lithe,
She sprang in to life.
Prowling her domain,
feeling nothing but pain.
But this tiger was tough,
used to the loneliness.
This patch was ruff,
devoid of rosiness,
filled to the brim with thorns,
...
Thursday 10th March 2016 7:36 pm
10 Down to 1
10
Shaky fingesr slide over my
9
New wounds and my
8
Scars of hatred, with
7
Pills. I long my
6
Horrible hours of
5
Screaming death wishes and
4
Shots to my head would make
3
Tears fall down from my
2
Eyes, hurting me still!
1
More day and I would of been swept away.
Friday 8th May 2015 7:04 am
Together
I grip the blade,
I can't cut,
I handle the rope,
Unable to tie the knot.
I had a bottle of pills;
Poured them down the drain,
I lost the suns warmth,;
Waited in the rain.
A thought of your essence,
I swiftly hold back,
Every weappn of mine,
As the force slowly lacks.
Letting my sadness roam,
But not a thought roamed,
'Cause you're fighting,
...Sunday 5th October 2014 6:19 pm
In Screaming Rain(Thoughts in the rain)
Laying against the darkest wall,
Memories clogged in contorted shock,
Losing consiousness to everything in all,
Its brightest moments dashing up the clock.
The stars dissolve as the sky swiftly falls,
Balled unto the shredded grass,
A lightened match, then a blow to the flames jaw,
Water sunk in the jeans of my last.
Cladded grief material upon my wrist,
Marks ...
Sunday 5th October 2014 1:54 am
Actions vs Words
(I've been struggling to show anyone this poem for a long time but I've been inspired to let it free. These feelings are behind me now and it turns out writing was to thank for that afterall)
How does someone stop cutting?
Do they cut into the paper instead?
Replace flesh and blood with diaries and ink,
Replace physicality with mentality,
Replace actions with words,
It isn’t enough.
...Saturday 13th September 2014 11:35 am
Living with a Self Harmer
Caring not one jot
For anyone else.
Me, me, me, me
I, I, I, I, I.
No substance
Except abuse.
No excuse
Get on with it.
M u u u meee
Pushing buttons.
Give me your attention
Or I will cut.
Get on with it
The answer.
Dispicable tart
Knicker elastic worn.
I can break you up
I will cut.
Get on with it
Wedge I will drive.
Your stealing my
Attention.
M u u u meee
I will cut.
Monday 9th December 2013 4:39 am
Mental Health Victims
In Pyjamas creased like discarded paper
Shuffling aimlessly on flaccid feet
Come the fresh patients to the Psychiatry machine
Eyes stare into space in obscure realms of fantasy
With word salad chatter so wayward and bewildered
For morning medication they agitatedly wait
Chlorpromazine drugged psychotics limbs tremoring like jelly
Heads full of voices torturous ...
Friday 11th October 2013 1:15 am
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