A poem for my big sister about our grandparents ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once upon a time there were two sisters

One dark

One fair...

You

And me

And we shared

Sweets

Dreams

A bed

A room

A home

A family

An abuse

A neglect

A secret

A history

And yet here we are

So very different.

We shared so much

And yet so very little

You were

A coconut cake girl

To my burnt gingerbread

An exotic orange

To my plain apple

A wanted girl

To my nuisance

A beautiful girl

To my awkwardness

A favourite Of aunts and teachers and cousins

A wanted child

A cherished child

A loved child.

And if I sound bitter at all It's because I am.

 

And early on I learned To hate myself

For how could I love An awkward walk

A useless girl

A child like me they'd never known.

I said I love you,

They said we love her more.

 

And I understood.

I was unloveable

Ugly

A disappointment

A nothing girl

An I've never known a child like you girl.

And for a long time I hated you

I blamed you

I resented you.

Yet loved you still.

 

You had the privilege of favour

Secure in your lovedness

The sweet taste of nurture

And I understand when you tell me you never asked for this

But I never asked to be second best either

And I do think you got the better deal.

 

So here I am

A jealous child

12 years old still

And hurting

Bitter tears stream down wine bloated cheeks

Rivers of blood seep through my sleeves

And I vomit the too many pills

 

I'm not blaming you

An innocent child

But now I see you grieving

And I stay silent

Unable to share my tears

For mine are bitter

And yours are pure

And I don't know who to hate more

You

Myself

Them

It's all so fucked,

but you see....

 

Once upon a time there were two sisters

One good

One bad

One a sunflower

One a dandelion

And they shared

Sweets

Dreams

A bed

A room

A home

A family

An abuse

A neglect

A secret

A history

But not a love

And without a love

A child

Like a flower

Cannot bloom

Destined forever to the compost heap of life Forever in the shadows Of the glorious bloom.