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Fools Rush In (Inner monologue of a childhood sexual abuse survivor cont'd)

I've been foolish

unguarded and exposed

vulnerable, ripe for the plucking 

how clearly he saw this

how oblivious I must have seemed

totally unheeding

trying to live the dream

 

Ruthlessly he burrowed into me

what he sought I do not know

one swift move, a hand, a pillow

I was no more

fear and shame soared

 

Rushing into everything 

brings forth nothing

...

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fear of attachmentsrapetherapy

MY SAVIOUR, MY SAVANT (An ode to my paid weekly "friend")

I lost all control

Crossed the threshold

My tears too excruciating to hold

 

I prayed earnestly to be released from the pyre

I saw you and I continued to burn 

Only now, I burned also with desire

 

Curiosity peaked

Fervent interest realized

The voodoo you do, mesmerized 

 

Divinity revealed?

Oh, what power you weild!

Desperately I yearn to yeild

 

Yo...

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appreciationgratitudemental healththerapy

Take me to the doctors

Take me to the doctors

Ill take pills

Ill take them all

Just take me to the doctors and make it go away

 

I will have 50 diagnosis’

Take the pills 

Till I get psychosis

Just take me to the doctors

Make it go away

 

Ill write letters every day

talk about my feeling

throw my life away

Just take me to the doctors make it go away

 

Ill stop eating if I h...

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medicalsongtherapy

Chevaux de Freeze

Pam's very nice so far as she goes

The kind of looks I usually admire

A few quid in the bank is a help

Yet she doesn't set my heart on fire

 

Nancy on the other hand is poor

She's no Monroe or Lana Turner

More a down-market Bette Davis

A plain Jane, and a bit of a yearner

 

Just how do you weigh up women?

What should go into the scales?

Why can't I be spontaneou...

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chevaux de frisedefencesinhibitionsintimacyrejectionspontaneoustherapy

Floored

Some like a hearty breakfast, others just a roll

You need fuel in your furnace to face life's rigours

Yet some agonise over their self-image

Wayward minds obsessing about their figures

 

I'm not surprised you keep fainting

I've told you till I'm blue in the face

Cottage cheese and a slice of Ryvita

Leaves you reeling all over the place

 

You staggered and all but fain...

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cottage cheesefaintedfiguresflooredself-imagetherapy

Therapy

There's a strange woman in the flat above

I fear that lockdown has affected her wits

She's started singing in the middle of the night

Mostly Whitney Houston's greatest hits

 

I put a note under her door complaining

She rang saying sorry for giving me a fright

We're both young bored and frustrated she said

She knew a better way to pass the night

 

It turns out she's a ...

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birchcuratefetishlatexlockdownrubbertelephone sextherapy

Evening Class

Eight Monday evenings for two hours

"Psychology for Beginners":

Ego, super-ego, id

Neurosis by osmosis, Freud, Jung Adler,

Cognitive therapy, Gestalt, Twin studies,

Attachment Theory

 

I never knew how unhappy I was

I'm half-way through now, a mass of

Symptoms, fresh phobias

Nesting in my head, making sense of what caused

Those empty evenings to start with.

 

...

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evening classFreudneurosispsychologysymptomstherapy

My Songs

Songs of love and happiness
Erase all my feelings of sadness
Wipe away these tears 
And all my fears 
Nothing but blue
When I'm living with you
Nothing but blue 
When I'm listening to you,
My songs of sadness 

When I wake in the morning
You’re the first thing I want to hear
Start my day with you ever so near
Songs close to my heart
May we never part
I listen to you,
My songs of sa...

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bluesmusicsongstherapy

New Therapist

She sits there her book full of latent codes,
a way of communicating so no-one knows
Rambling on my life, traces of a history unread:
a mind full of trash and misdeeds unsaid.
She's a pristine therapist, who hasn't lived,
expecting me to say all and give,
when I couldn't give a shit about her plan.

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Counsellingmothers. childrenmy past experiencetherapy

Chit Chat

Speaking can feel like your swallowing

So, you may as well swallow instead

Or it’s giving,

Giving and giving

Fingers down your throat,

Retching

Searching for…

Will I be stronger tomorrow?

Or just hollow tomorrow?

So, you end up filling up on someone else’s dictionary

I am disarmed without my language

But my language is disarming

Words do break your bones

Voca...

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anxietydenialdepressionlanguageopening uppoetrypower of wordsquietsilencestiflestresssuppressiontalktalkingtheraputictherapywords

Don't Look And It Won't Hurt

entry picture

Five years of cobwebs
decorate the hallway box
more dust at rest
fills the urn within it
that used to be your father...

Don’t look and it won’t hurt
don’t look and it won’t hurt

Your brother’s been drinking
on a fifteen year bender
so quick to lose his temper
if you ask too many questions
a snake prone upon his shoulder

Don’t look and it won’t hurt
don’t look and it won’t hurt

...

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denialgriefproblemssadnesstalkingtherapy

The Season of cleanse

I hear the pitter patter outside my window
So soothing and melodic to my ears now
The rain outside is pouring down
Creating a melodic soothing sound
I again start to finally breathe
As this cleansing process sets me free
The noise it makes charms me
Often helping me see clearly
I long for Autumn to soon come around
It's the rainy season, I have found
The water trickling from the sky
Has...

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autumnblisscleancleansefreemelodicmental easepoemquietrainrainingSeasonseasonalseasonssoothing soundsoothongsoundtheraputictherapywater

Genesis- Ch1 (TW and CW: rape, partying, self harm)

Last Night

 

…(gemma)...Gemma…

    “Gemma!”  She snapped into consciousness, only partly.  Her head was pounding and her fingers felt swollen.

    “What time is it?” she murmured.  Her eyelids remained heavy still, but they opened wide enough to notice the thin rays of light streaming through the dorm room’s blinds.  Gemma shifted her body to face Alex.  He looked almost as groggy as s...

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assaultBPDCollegemental illnesspartyraperelationshipstherapyuniversity

Chameleon

entry picture

-Would you feel better

          if you had a label?

 

I probe the air with my left eye, spy

socratic poker face with my right -

 

she can't see me, just case notes;

I, unidentified, somewhere between

 

the sighing beige of the walls

and the dirty carpet, stained

 

with confessions, some sharp enough

to draw blood, others hollow and

 

unyielding. She te...

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mental healththerapy

Done again

A brain that’s been tapped and tinkered is suddenly transformed.

A soul that’s been prodded and pulled is carefully put back in its place.

Thoughts have been dusted and polished and put away in their boxes.

A gut that been untangled, unknotted, instead now tied in a bow.

 

But then the scars to the brain have split.

The crack in its box is on display.

A scratch to the soul wan...

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anxietydepressionhappystruggletherapy

The Beach: My Remedy

it's just before sunset when loneliness creeps in

the beach is my remedy

the ocean will let me be sad
but only enough to shed a few tears,
never enough to let me drown

the wind invites me in when no one else has thought to
the lazy waves take their time rolling up

the toddlers mix mud, as their parents hold a conversation

the older couple holds hands like they're still in love

their golden retriever ba...

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alonebeachlonelinessoceanrefugeremedysandtherapywaves

medicated

entry picture

medicated

 

in a corner of the room

daylight pools its last ripples

and she stands alone

afraid to step onto the shadow

that creeps towards her

afraid of the sly shuffle sound

that drags itself across the floor

or the mewling voice

that whispers its fears

and fantasies

so that when she blinks

the orange light

has dimmed

and the room sh...

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depressionfear and loathinghealingmedicationstep improvementstherapy

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