To Eat Or Not To Eat

I think of you way more than I probably should 

I wish so much now that I somehow could

Turn back the hands of time, start again- rewind

Pull back the impulse, erase the hunger

Let logic and level headedness put my eagerness asunder 

The state of being to which I now aspire

Is to be free of this want, all this desire

The thrill of longing,  not so thrilling anymore 

My hear...

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Once Lost is Lost Forever











Coitus routine

Communication forced


I sit bewildered

Feeling used

With no one to blame

For I indeed

Should be the accused


I stare at you

But you're not there

You've been replaced

Replaced by fear

I long to see you again

The man I met


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betrayalLove lostrelatiosnhips


She walks masked, meandering,

unacknowledged through her neighbourhood

Wishing earnestly that she somehow could

share her true self

 remove the make-up painted veneer

she hangs nightly on a shelf

how emancipated she would feel

no longer enslaved within her mind

because of this facade

strangers think her, the vapid kind

no thoughts of value

within her head, you'd fi...

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Wanting to remain latent,


Repressing every thought, hope, and dream.

Until the right time, place, person...

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emotional painquestioning

Fools Rush In (Inner monologue of a childhood sexual abuse survivor cont'd)

I've been foolish

unguarded and exposed

vulnerable, ripe for the plucking 

how clearly he saw this

how oblivious I must have seemed

totally unheeding

trying to live the dream


Ruthlessly he burrowed into me

what he sought I do not know

one swift move, a hand, a pillow

I was no more

fear and shame soared


Rushing into everything 

brings forth nothing


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fear of attachmentsrapetherapy

(Promise) Land Ahoy

Lost in a sea of thoughts salty with fears
Her arrid eyes void of tears
Adrift, aimless she sailed for years

A tattered raft of determination her only support
On the horizon utopia beckoning
An obliging port

A siren's song, haunting, promising sanctuary
Pulling her in with its ethereal melody

Taunting her hope's
Teasing her dreams
Promising the actuality of possibilities

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determinationhopeJourneyloveMother's Love

Just a Bit Torn

My whole body reacts

to the image of you in my head,

As I lay impassioned in bed.

I have never been more aware of the material that encapsulates the mounds on my chest.

My hips move involuntarily, my cl*t pulsates,

seemingly to my quickened heart and shallow rapid breaths.

I can see clearly your lips, your mouth,

those discerning eyes  that I love and hate in equal amounts.


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longingrelationshipstorturedunrequited love

Father Figure

Oh to call you daddy...

What a thrill that would be

Oh to call you daddy...

To have you spank and reprimand me

Oh to call you daddy...

How I would giggle and squeal with delight and glee

Oh to call you daddy...

Mmm...the ecstasy.




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Good Things "Cum in 3s" (A poem of "self" discovery)

Focused on piercing eyes, light hazel abyss

I reached down earnestly past orbiting hips

Fingers parting engorged velvety lips

To find within a now aching, sensitive tip.


Writhing, squirming

Unprepared and panicked

Intensity unparalleled

Myself, I know not what to do with.


Tears, laughter

All consuming heat and fleeting chills

Dreams are becoming reality


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pleasureself loveSelf-discoverywonderment

Alternate Universe

In another life 

you are mine and I am yours

all is as it should be,

I'm enthralled with you

and you with me.


Just as I am now 

only having eyes for you,

you knowing me

even more than you already do

but without all the boundaries

and our courtship being taboo.


I surrender completely,

you let me in,

joy and possibilities


no prior kno...

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Matters Not

I matter to you You matter to me I want to mingle with your matter Taste your matter Touch your matter Breathe your matter Absorb your matter Have our matters combine Create new matter

I want to tell you how much you matter Why you matter Explain the effects your matter has on my matter Show how much your matter has changed my matter even without contact or fusion

I imagine spontaneous combu...

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Besotted and Loving it!

Eyes met mine

lips divine

A smile effervescent like sparkling wine

Confident, sweet, real, insightful

Uninhibited, masculine

Unabashedly delightful


Inspiring, sexy, intolerably appealing

Bewitchingly my heart he is stealing

Without realizing, I am totally lovestruck

There is no hope for me, I am thoroughly f@*ked.

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A Song of Frigidity and Desire

 Feeling sweet, flying high, you between caramel thighs

Latent passion, burns bright, red hot in the middle of the night

Never grappled with such emotions,  had desire with such devotion 

Thankfully,  rationality quells the ache in the waking hour, logic turns sweet sour

Forbidden thoughts tantalize, it's torment to fantasize 

Futile to take action, never to fruition comes satisfact...

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Palm to Palm, Skin to Skin


betrays all that I try to hide


soothes the turmoil inside


takes my breath away


gives me hope for another day


reveals desires I have forgotten and were dormant


offers what I need and all that I want


awakens a passion I so desperately want to indulge in


pacifies my suffering. 


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Duality at Play (inner monologue of a childhood sexual abuse survivor

(Waring! Excessive use of expletives)


Hindsight illuminates the plight

Retrospect brings dark to light

Always a little too late

Try as I might


Do I stand up and fight

Or is this a time for flight

I can never seem to tell

Never get it right


Maybe genetically,  I am a mix of ostrich and possum

Freeze and play dead

Or, in the ground with my head



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ResilienceretrospectionSexual abusesurvival

Fake it 'Til You Make It Pep Talk

Happy thoughts

Happy thoughts

Must think happy thoughts


Avoid the lure of melancholy 

One must remain jolly

Feign being upbeat and perky

Until it becomes a reality


Yes, you can do it

It's no sweat

Grin and bear it

Smile...abate the threat


You are now a pro...

A life spent surviving the impossible...

This is but a minuscule bout of sorrow...


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The Healing of Ancient Wounds

She wondered into his place of work

because she thought she was loosing her head

When approached by him she lost herself,

her wits and her heart instead

She found her will to try,

emotions she had lost,

physical urges she thought she had shed

The sight and sound of him,

the insight he shared,

her soul he fed

Cautiously she indulged, 

dependency has only ever bro...

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Bare Minimum

I sat before him 

Crumpling in onto myself     

Lost in my head   

Wishing I was dead

It's over now

Why are we still here                         

He got what he wanted                     

Why does he sit there and stare       

My body limp                                     

Folding over in submission               

My head on his knee                        


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Inner StruggleRape

MY SAVIOUR, MY SAVANT (An ode to my paid weekly "friend")

I lost all control

Crossed the threshold

My tears too excruciating to hold


I prayed earnestly to be released from the pyre

I saw you and I continued to burn 

Only now, I burned also with desire


Curiosity peaked

Fervent interest realized

The voodoo you do, mesmerized 


Divinity revealed?

Oh, what power you weild!

Desperately I yearn to yeild



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appreciationgratitudemental healththerapy

I Concede

I can't breathe.

I don't want to breathe...

(without you!)  


I want to seethe.

Please let me seethe... 

(Because I can't have you!)


I want to feed.  

Why can't I feed...  

(I want to devour you!)


I have needs.  

Don't you have needs...

(Let me fulfill a few!)   


Let's do the deed.

Let me do the deed...

(I want to make love to you!)



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desireLove and lustrelationships

Imposter Begets Imposter?

Who am I

why do I

when will I

where can I

Answers elude

My identity un-formed and crude


Mother pretends

The show never ends

Until the curtain is drawn 

All the doors are closed and simulations suspend


I don't know who I am

Give anything to be sure

Stand firm in my convictions 

On both sides of the door


No duplicity here

All masks removed


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aspirationsfake lovehopenarcissistic abuserelationships

Karma the Uninspired Bitch

Everyone's asleep

Silently I weep

Misery boiling 

Anger steep 

What one sows 

Isn't that what they're supposed to reap? 


Why do I remain good

Continue to be kind

Try ever so hard to preserve my mind

Karma seems to lack purpose

Or simply ignores the concept of time.


Doesn't my pain matter

My life unrecognizable and tattered

Am I that good at pretendi...

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Angerdespairfrustrationlifemental healthsurvival

My Super man

Panic setting in

For reasons unknown everything is unsettling

I wished I could kick my heels and disappear

But, instead, he appears

Through the haze his face is clear

I fight the urge to will him near

Oh God, did he sense my fear

Or my emotions churning and my tears near

How does he do it, what exactly does he hear

Me quietly praying, daring him to care

My vulnerabili...

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attachmentdepressionmental illnessrelationships

Rush Hour Treat...

Emotional turmoil 

Tranquility sporadic

The future unknown yet frightful

A familiar face in the crowd  

So warm, inviting and sweet...


Everything makes sense again

Hope is reignited 

Fear, is once again

For the time being




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appreciationgloomgratitudehopemental illnessrelationships

Transference and its counter

Am I making an impression...

Do I leave you bewildered with every expression...

Do you look forward like I do to our weekly sessions...

Or are my scribbled musings akin to aggression... 

An unbecoming, pathetic vie for attention...

I find you delightful and have a genuine fascination...

I am curiously eager, feelings bordering on intoxication.


But, apparently in therapy t...

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depressionlifelonginglovemental illnessrelationships

A Client's Woe

When shadows go into hiding

And dreams run wild

I imagine you all stripped down and bare

All facades shed

Thoughts of me invade your head...


Or so I wish, a girl can dream

I miss you, I want you

If only I could scream 

These words out loud 

Remove the shroud

Say them loud

Say them proud...


But I mustn't disturb the peace

What is unknown must remain ...

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forbidden desireslifeLongingmental healthrelationshipsunrequited love

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