bipolar (Remove filter)
Forgotten
When we die,
We'll be forgotten,
But what can we say when
We're forgotten
While alive?
What am I to think
When I am invisible?
When I am cast aside?
When I am the problem?
Who is there to see me for me?
Does death then hold no meaning?
Is death even worth fearing?
Or is it rather embraced
As a means of escape
From those who
Don't care
At all?
Thursday 21st November 2024 4:33 pm
My Senses Fail
The feeling comes gnawing, gnashing, crashing into me from within, a reminder of the things I lack, the things I could have been.
The thought of failure torments me, slashing, stabbing, holding onto my heart, a reminder of those who always thought that I was just playing an imaginary part.
The pain comes sharply, sneakily, forcing my mind into behaving, a reminder of the moments I have lost ...
Tuesday 12th November 2024 12:47 am
LABEL
Young mum with a stroller
A double rum and cola
Take away that edginess
Nervous twitching
Wait
I know her
There's the hooded lady
Smoking looking hazy
Magic yeah she's crazy
Wait
wise woman
Don't go there
Off she goes now spending
Glamour life pretending
Don't decline still pending
This hoarding never ending
Freeze
The build up to the ...
Thursday 15th June 2023 11:03 pm
How do you dance?
I was once a dancing flame but I forgot how to dance so I mimicked others until one day... pft.
I am unable to see myself burning out untill I spit, clinging to the bitter end of the wick.
At first, I am a soldier, fighting because I know the end is coming.
At the end is a void. Nothing in it and nothing can fill it. Nothing matters.
DESPERATION. Pouring everything and anything into th...
Tuesday 21st February 2023 8:34 pm
The race we lost
Nuts
Sometimes
Bolts
Maybe
Screws or
Long nails.
Metric
Or standard
Eventually they will all rust and fail.
American rides &
Forgein whips
Sounding their mating call
Rotary
Not
Piston,
“What you mean my man?
Those zippy things have it all”
“Don’t you wana see me, as I Race to understand?
On how to treat a woman.
Even though I ...
Thursday 6th August 2020 9:37 am
Trinket x
The only blade I fear is the one that I wield
A single stroke and my fate is sealed
Hold up false hope, impotent shield
Casually spread my bones in untilled fields
Digging in my heels,
it feels like I'm losing you
Digging out six square,
soul bruising blue
Brick slit bullshit, courtyard contortions, fountains of weeds
Walking in ovals, squares
Blackboard becomes the backboard of your...
Tuesday 21st July 2020 3:49 pm
Doubt
Feeling good
Running around
Catch up on
What’s run into the ground.
So much to do
So far behind
Laundry, yard work
Constantly on the grind.
But fear comes
Banging on my door
Is this real,
Will I plummet to the floor?
Exhausted already
Pushing too hard?
Will I be ok,
Can I let down my guard?
Or is this already
The end of my rope?
I thought I’d healed
And could hold onto h...
Wednesday 9th October 2019 7:51 pm
Bi polar
This is not a phase,
As they all said.
They told me my emotions are strong,
So I tried to keep them hid.
Anger rises in me
As I,
overflow and boil.
Sadness overwhelms me,
As I tremble and burrow.
Happiness is rare,
Almost like,
seeing an old friend.
Timid and distraught,
Cautious of all men.
Never did I think I could be t...
Tuesday 7th May 2019 2:06 pm
Where's the Sun?
Where’s The Sun?
I used to orgasm imagining i was running to-
The sun.
To reach climax for the relief was spiritual
Sex for me has remained-
Emotional.
Now it’s perverse and sexual.
So, I hide inside-
The dark of the night
And only come out when the moon says
You’re safe now.
He has my best interests in his heart filled with craters
Other women scarred with play...
Sunday 3rd March 2019 8:10 am
The Rollercoaster which we name Bipolar
Up swings
Low swings
Irritable swings
Whenever the bell rings.
Time to change so soon?
Oh thankyou for the gloom
Its not like I needed mental room
I'll just listen to your tune.
Is it time for bed,
Or are you not done yet?
This endless strain of thoughts
Feeling like I'm making a case In front of the courts
Barely awake, but barely conscious?
You'll wish you'd had your bedroom blessed
...
Wednesday 22nd August 2018 5:24 pm
The demons that only I knew
Would you believe me
If I told you the truth
Would you stay with me,
Or would you just leave?
Would you still feel
The way that you do
If you saw me kneel
Before the demons so cruel?
I tried to escape
But it fell right through
It was never fate
What should I do?
I didn't mean to fail
I did choose you
But the monsters fight
Harder than I'm able to
I...
Thursday 26th July 2018 10:34 pm
Sickness Within
We were born sick
But we adore it,
Nothing compares.
Living on the edge,
The dual extremes
in which we thrive,
are eating us alive.
Devouring our souls,
Ripping us apart,
Yet wholesome we feel
With our demons so close,
Sat upon our shoulder
Whispering to us, sins..
Orders upon orders
to which we must follow.
Monday 18th June 2018 3:29 pm
a bipolar ode
the weather sucks today
the sun rose sultry grey
it’s supposed to be sunny tomorrow
and i love the orange sun rays
and i hate the rain’s tears
on frosted window glass
smiling shy though the clouds,
shining bright blue sky between its teeth
trapping me in a black stone prison,
its suffocating grey walls
freeing me from misconceptions
made be...
Friday 25th May 2018 11:08 pm
My Muse Is Dead
Beige walls stand empty where original artworks once hung
A woman, beyond her years in mind and body, sits at her desk
Staring at a screen that, despite vast knowledge at her fingertips
Is empty
The cloud of cognizance that enveloped her has cleared
Ridiculed by those she trusted
"Over medicated"
No more pills
No more gange
Nothing to help control the demons within her mind
There is no f...
Tuesday 28th November 2017 10:23 pm
I Can Be Good (Z)
With each and every prose I think of new things to outpour onto this page. Ideas and feelings flow through me, conflicting, and most of the time I am ok.
I've been sober since then; nothing helps this anymore. Every day starts out slow, in a haze, then I feel ok and content and myself for a few hours. Once noon rolls around, my heart hurts, my stomach turns, my head spins, and I leave class to ...
Tuesday 21st November 2017 8:37 pm
Cast Aside
Cast Aside
A woman cries for now she knows
Her love is unconditional
Weeping at the empty kitchen table
One, two, three in the morning
None are awake but her
Right hand reaches out to air
She wails
“There was no choice to make!”
Yet she always knew, in some way
Either too much to handle
Or not enough
But always cast aside
Anger will not manifest
Her l...
Tuesday 21st November 2017 7:57 pm
Girl in the Spotty Dress
Little girl in the spotty frock,
Did she love you then or not?
What did you do to make it change?
Why were you so very strange?
Why did you not do as you're told?
Always needed an extra scold.
Never behaved at home or school,
Always the one who acts the fool.
Never able to conform,
Always the one full of scorn.
Still the girl in the spotty frock?
Does...
Monday 3rd July 2017 3:30 pm
What can you see?
What is a disability?
Is it there for all to see?
Do they look a little special,
Or just a bit like me.
Maybe there is a wheel chair,
Crutches or a splint.
What about the eye patch?
Is there just a little hint?
What about that limp he has?
Or the crooked looking stance?
Some just look so ordinary.
They can even dance.
Some they think imagine it,
disabi...
Thursday 22nd June 2017 6:05 pm
Medication that's what I need
I slip one in my mouth,
It melts.
Delicious.
I lick strawberry lips.
Kissed by magic.
It takes away my pain,
Senses numbed.
Nothing seems to matter.
Apathy takes a hold.
25mg maximum dose.
Is it working?
I have no clue.
I have lost my inner self.
I don't want to feel the pain,
But without it there's no escape.
I want to taste the rainbow,
To r...
Monday 19th June 2017 5:51 pm
Knock knock...
Knock knock...
It's the door.
Don't come to the house,
Invasion not wanted!
Heart pounding,
Shaking chest.
Discussion not needed.
Privacy counts.
Sweating palms,
beaten brow.
Knock knock...
It's the door.
Keep away
allow freedom.
Blind with panic
Screams deathly quiet.
No need for checking on.
Perfectly capable self.
Knock knock...
It's the door.
Tension of a coiled spr...
Friday 9th June 2017 2:07 pm
Believe
There are challenges we face that others don't see,
may never experience, never understand.
Invisible mountains we climb alone,
oceans we swim feeling out of our depth.
But we do it. We fight it. We beat it.
Mental health recovery is a journey,
a destination that requires focus, bravery and time.
For all those who face it every day...
believe.
Thursday 11th May 2017 8:47 am
Death Brought Us Closer
Death brings us closer #25
The only connection I truly had with this young man was the darkness that beholds us both,
He could speak with such talent and such words, you would think it was a bible oath,
This young, charming and daring man was a fighter,
However, all fights but come to an end,
In his case, it was the end, however, I will remember this, and I will defend,
Defe...
Friday 28th April 2017 3:43 pm
Death Part II
The reaper has come to pay me another visit,
I thought it was the last time we will see each other again for a long time as I thought I was feeling fine.
But I was a fool to think this, I asked him what crime have I committed?
Death laughs at me, he asks me, why do you think you have done something wrong to see me,
I paused and thought he was playing a game,
He likes doing this, as ...
Thursday 20th April 2017 6:27 pm
Dormant
For 4 years now, I have been dormant,
Not through choice, along this way, I have lost my voice,
Through a dead romance that has extended its warranty,
I need to end this, as if I don’t, I will never be able to get to my wish,
The needing of feeling free,
The reason why I used to love being me,
I used to make people laugh,
I would act rather daft,
Silly, unpredictable, risk...
Wednesday 12th April 2017 5:03 pm
Dont Quit
I sometimes wonder where I would be if I didn’t have that voice inside me,
Telling me I should give up, I’m not worth it, I’m ugly, stupid & fat,
That voice inside me screaming at me, making me feel I have to see the local quack.
The screams get louder and louder, while I become weaker & weaker,
However, what that voice don’t know, is I get more eager,
Eager to win the bat...
Saturday 8th April 2017 5:29 pm
Manic
I feel trapped inside a cage,
The longer I am in this, I feel the rage,
It builds and builds without any time for notice,
It will become too late to know what I am heading for,
When its unleashed it will become known to everyone making everyone feeling sore.
When this mad and manic phase comes,
It will be too late for the innocence’s,
When I am manic, ...
Wednesday 5th April 2017 5:20 pm
Bipolar & My Brother
I wear a mask every day of my life,
It causes me pain & stress,
It makes my life such a chaotic mess,
I wish this mask would lift,
However, nevertheless, it’s a part of me.
I wear the mask of lies,
There are so many things in my life, that I am in denial to myself,
I wear this mask, it causes me to feel torn,
My eyes are broken,
They make me see such things like a u...
Wednesday 5th April 2017 1:41 pm
The Waiting Room
Sat here waiting
Stupid posters on the wall
Like knowing 1/4 matters
Mental health for all.
The chairs are stained and dirty,
Water fountain broke,
Magazines outdated.
Even leaflets on a stroke.
The receptionist she mumbles,
Or is it the glass screen,
Protects her from the patients,
Ring bells - they are unclean.
Mental or a leper,
It really doesn't matter.
You're all in thi...
Tuesday 28th February 2017 5:17 pm
Psychiatric Lingo
How can I explain to you,
A sunset through dead trees?
Yet,
You want my symptoms
Explained to you
In words.
If I could see red,
And you only grey,
How could I explain vibrancy?
You call it mania.
Sir,
You don't understand.
You say
"Everyone gets anxious"
But I think you mean "nervous"?
I feel like
It'd be more treatable
By modern medicine,
If it happened to
Rich
White
Me...
Wednesday 4th January 2017 6:38 pm
Department of Social and Health Services
Sitting in a plastic chair,
Waiting for a person
To tell me
If I can afford
This month
How did I
Get here?
I had dreams.
I had goals.
And so did
Everyone in this room.
The wait
Kills
The screams of bored children
Pop my peace
And I wonder
Why?
It's a simple enough question.
Why me?
Why here?
Why now?
God,
I suppose.
His laughter feels
Like nails
Pounded into nails...
Wednesday 4th January 2017 6:27 pm
Disability Timeline pt. 2
War is waged
With soldiers
But mostly money.
Isn't that
What old men
With both
Say?
I fight the World War of my life,
And yet,
And Yet.
I see neither approach
On the horizon
And I wonder
How long
I'll keep looking.
Your promises mean nothing,
Because that
Is what I've got
To show for them.
I implore,
Don't get my hopes up
Again this time.
Say "no" if you want.
Accord...
Wednesday 4th January 2017 6:26 pm
Disability Timeline pt. 1
Ask for help,
They say
With quiet judgmental rebuke
So I ask
And then I plead
And deafness
Greets his friend
Stagnation.
Today
Means tomorrow.
Tomorrow,
Next week.
I have yet to see
What
"Within the year"
Means,
And it's been Two.
Each letter,
A careful trapeze,
Am I too sick?
Not sick enough?
The war waged on
In my body.
They promised me
Soldiers
"Within the year."
Wednesday 4th January 2017 6:22 pm
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