I Can Be Good (Z)
With each and every prose I think of new things to outpour onto this page. Ideas and feelings flow through me, conflicting, and most of the time I am ok.
I've been sober since then; nothing helps this anymore. Every day starts out slow, in a haze, then I feel ok and content and myself for a few hours. Once noon rolls around, my heart hurts, my stomach turns, my head spins, and I leave class to cry. By six in the evening, I'm calmer but not completely responsive to the world around me. When I go to bed, I dream and escape.
My psych suggested I spend my vacation at a very nice mental hospital.
I don't think I need that. I know I can handle this, but my mind always goes back to everything I want to say to keep me in your heart.
I can be so good for you because you are so good for me.
I want to tolerable enough.
Changing these things that don't quite clash isn't changing myself for you necessarily but it does make me realize that I do have issues I need to work on for myself and I know that if I become a better me, you will love me that much more. It's for us. Why is that bad?
I'm not blaming myself. I'm blaming myself for my part, and I know I caused some of this.
Is there hope? Is there love? Is there any chance we could at least open up the conversation? To hypothetically discuss what we could do?
I want to believe that you love me. Deep down I know you still do.
I'm so sorry I'm impatient and emotional,
I'm not emailing you (except twice now), I'm not going on my trip, I'm not commenting on your facebook, I'm not doing crazy things. And to anyone who thinks this is an obsessive crazy girl move, I don't know what to say in order to disprove that, other than I am an artist and this is the best way I know how to vent and organize my thoughts and emotions. I've done a lot worse to other people, but I refuse to purposefully jeopardize anything that would help you or make you happy.
I want him in my life, but I know he has to want me in his, too. And if he doesn't, I would like to know why.