Ten seconds to go before I ring in the new year,

I balance on my left leg and let it appear.

On the last second of the countdown when the clock does strike,

To lay down my right foot is what I do like.

The trauma of 2020 behind my left foot I put,

And always start the new year off on the right foot.

A happy new year to all and sundry,

Let's hope 2021 will not be as thunde...

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I felt lonely even in a house of six,

I was thrown into a blender ,unable to mix.

No-one was close to me, I was shy.

Depressed,traumatised,reaching puberty,ready to die !

I was drawn into a point of desperation,

From my family ,a desire grew for separation.

Angry and sad from my family I took flight,

And slept on the church steps for many a night

It's hard being a...

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"Old age can be a platter of pleasure,

Eat it wisely and love your leisure.

Time moves really fast,

The years soon become the past.

Be conscious of every single  day,

Don't let it sadly fly away.

The luxuries in my life have fortunately come about,

The necessities therefore I can do without.

Old age can be a platter of pleasure,

Eat it wisely,love your leisure.

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Poozart was a composer of great brilliance,

When faced with problems showed remarkable resilience.

Each of his compositions shone with improvement,

But unfortunately he had problems with his last movement.

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A Christmas present from one of my mates,

A box of extra special,rich sweet dates.

I hastily eat every single one,

To the loo I  urgently did run.

A cure for constipation I did get,

But still on the loo not off yet.

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A fly had flown a long way,

Lands and looks for a place to stay.

Proceeds into a field and sits next to me ,

And politely asks,"Is this stool free ?"

The stool had just been excreted by my pup.

 Put to good use,I didn't have to pick it up.

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Members of the public were on a high,

As they passed a strong smell of cannabis nearby.

They rang the police and instigated a raid,

Many plants close to harvesting were found  !An arrest was made.

A sophisticated set-up through the whole house was spread,

Upstairs three rooms full of plants,no bed.

The kitchen was the area where the perpertrator resided,

The electricity h...

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A pair of Brussel sprouts were on a night out,

One stepped off a kerb, got injured by a car going flat out.

At A&E the doctor had good news and bad,

"The good news I have for you,

He is going to pull through,

The bad news,he is going to go under the knife.

And will end up being a vegetable for the rest of his life !"

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Santa before Christmas developed a desire for mating,

As home alone went on a site for speed dating.

 On his first date luckily he pulled a cracker,

Won her over  as on her lips,he  planted a smacker.

Mary Christmas at ftrst gave him the cold shoulder,

But things flourished as they got older.

Together they raised money for many a good cause,

Loud claps they received at ga...

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Merry Christmas and a happy new year,

To all that read this,no matter what teer.

Due to this pandemic we are devoid of fun,

Hopefully we'll return to normality in 2021.

Poems are permanent keep putting pen to rhyme,

Focus on the positive and have a good time.

Writing a poem is no route to wealth,

But definitely will improve our mental health.

Remember we are poets...

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HSBC-----Have Such Bother Communicating,

Long waits for an answer,infuriating !

No business advice or branch aid,

Business advisers,at home covid afraid.

,

Business enquiries are shuved under the mat,

I'm sure we deserve better than that.

We are put to wait in a long queue,

A call back is way overdue.

I have been with HSBC when they were Midland Bank,

Many years ...

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Shirley going to church sees a beautiful dress in a shop  on her way,

"Hi please can I try on the dress in your shop window ?"to an  employee she did say.

"Of course ,"said the employee,"But you'd be better off using the changing rooms at the back."

For uttering an inappropriate remark ,the employee was given the sack.

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At the moment I am in the dark my mind is numb,

Hopefully we'll all be vaccinated in 2021.

I am confident  this will come true,

But no more Christmas for me and you.

As the virus changes it's method of attack,

We must  strengthen our defences in our fight back.

If you've packed your bags to go away,

Unpack them now and at home do stay.

A new variant of the virus i...

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Dad says to Fred,"You've been adopted!"

"I had a feeling that was the case!"Fred errupted,

No Fred,"We are your biological mum and dad,

Your new parents will be here soon,your driving us mad !"

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There once was an Irishman from Clough,

Who left the  supermarket in a huff.

His mission did fail,no toilet paper for sale.

"Butt", a  newspaper he did find,to wipe his behind.Times are rough !

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Amelia went into foster care early as a child,

But unfortunately flowered into something really wild.

Entering her teens she broke rule after rule.

Rebelling,truanting,disengaging from her school.

She wouldn't show up at school was frequently late,

Meetings with Amelia's head teacher her foster mum did hate.

She never cleaned her room or did her washing

Stressed everyone ...

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Two monkeys were sat up a tree,

They looked a little bored to me.

The jungle was full of Christmas joy,

The two monkeys were really coy.

They were the laughing stock of the jungle,

Decorating a Christmas tree they did bungle.

Everything they did seem to go wrong,

But one day they burst into song.

"Jungle bells,jungle bells,jungle all the way."

Santa as a reward...

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"I can't wait to see my pet,

Driving home for Christmas, not there yet.

Driving in my car wearing my Christmas pullover,

Driving home for Christmas in my dad's old rover.

Driving home for Christmas makes me feel good and happy,

Forgetting the pandemic and the year that was crappy !

Driving home for Christmas shedding all my fears,

Let's hope next year is a good one withou...

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The 5 day break is a big mistake,

Many,many hearts will definitely break.

N.H.S staff are stressed,their moral is low,

Into a lockdown before Christmas we must go.

In the days to come there is fear,

Do we want to lose our old and dear ?

A storm of infection is lurking out there,

If we gather for Christmas ,producing a  scare.

The danger to doctors and nurses leave...

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A soldier ran up to a nun in need,

"Please may I hide under your skirt?"The nun agreed.

Two military police ran by looking for the man,

Down to the town centre they swiftly ran.

The soldier crawled out and said,"I don't want to go to Iraq ."

And commented,"You have a great pair of legs,"as he did embark.

The nun watched the soldier as he ran down the hill,

"I don't want t...

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Josh was driving home from work down the motorway,

His wife rang she had something urgent to say.

"Be careful my dear on your way home,

A lunatic on the wrong side of the motorway does roam !"

"A similar thing is happening to me,

One car after another is driving towards  me !"

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It was a dark dismal night,

Suddenly walking home  I had a fright.

I took a short-cut through a graveyard alone,

Trembling with fear I came across an old guy sanding a gravestone.

"Oh my goodness ,you gave me such a fright,

What are you doing working this time of night ?"

The old man says,"I was buried yesterday,the undertaker's to blame,

The stupid idiot had misspelt my ...

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God was constantantly busy creating the earth,

The sky, the clouds,the hills and humans giving birth.

He took great pride in creating trees and flowers,

Time was a blessing,a year,a month and 24 hours.

Half would be dark and half would be light,

He tackled His creations with all His might.

Satisfied with His creations ,with His angels He did pray,

And said,"Now we must re...

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The police are our army on the front line,

Protecting us from danger all of the time.

At the start of their shift not knowing what lies ahead,

Turning up to an affray,maybe witnessing someone dead.

Tasked with addressing every social problem out there,

Mental illness,homlessness,youth violence,a bomb scare !

The events of August the 15th last year caused national outrage,

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Molly had  led a very sheltered life,her dad was a vicar.

Lou was one of ten, a family who loved their liquor.

Molly against sound advice moved in with her friend Lou,

But Lou started using 4 letter words she was not used to.

"They're 4 letter words mum ,I have not heard before,

Please,please come and get me,I can't take anymore !"

Please,please mum !Pick me up you must!

...

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I was told a vaccine joke by my friend Kit,

I didn't laugh 'cos I didn't get it.

When young my twin was vaccine free,

Countless vaccines were injected into me.

I've had many illnesses he had none,

Being constantly injected was not much fun.

"I never knew you had a twin,"said a friend.

"Yeh I did,but sadly his life ,early on ,came to an end."

AVOID DANGER GET ...

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I was having a meal at a posh place to eat,

The waiter delivered the meal with his hands on the meat.

I said,"That's disgusting,I don't want that meal anymore !"

"But sir,it was the only way I could be sure it didn't  fall again on the floor!"

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Bethan and Bing were driving through Wales on their way to Abersoch.

They stopped for lunch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyndrobwylliantysiliogogogoch.

Bethan asked the waitress,"Can you pronounce very slowly where we are to my friend Bing?"

"Off course I can,"replied the waitress,"You are at Burrr......Gurrr......King."

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Claire calls the fire-brigade,her need was dire.

"Help me,help me my house is on fire!"

The fireman replied,"Ok how do we get there?"

"In the red truck with the blue light !"she cried in despair.

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Jane took her husband to the hospital  with a damaged wrist,

The nurse bandaged it and gave him an instruction list.

She reassured him," adhere to that  list and you won't do anything wrong,

And I can confidently say,you won't be with us for long."

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Harry has been dating a homeless lady,

With a posh name  ,Janice O'Brady.

It's getting serious ,I think they might marry,

She asked him,"Please will you move out with me Harry?"

Harry moved out with her and lived in the park.

No electricity bills,she became his light and kept him warm in the dark.

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Mean Matt walked past a homeless guy with a sign which said,

"One day this could be you !"

Mean  Matt kept his money in his pocket,

Just in case it came true.

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Jake fell off his bike and injured his ear,

A serious hearing loss Jake did fear.

On seeing his doctor an operation was scheduled for the end of December,

It was a complicated procedure a day Jake will always remember.

The operation was a success,Jake took the doctor out for a beer.

The doctor  wished Jake,"A merry Christmas and a happy new EAR.!"

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Bing arrived at Maternity with his wife Jane ,

Her last delivery was fearful ,a pain.

The doctor said to Bing,

"Relief to your wife I can bring."

"We have a machine ,as you are the dad, will transfer the pain to you."

"Great I will do anything to  help my wife get through."

20 percent of the pain at first was transferred to Bing,

"That was great ,I didn't feel a thing !"

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An elderly couple in church sat in the front row,

The husband turns to the wife and says,"To the loo I must go,

I've just let off a long silent smell."

Wife says,"Replace the battery in your hearing aid as well !"

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Bob had been married to Beryl for 20 years

But bad news on the phone Beryl hears.

"Your husband Bob has been involved in a fatal crash,"

To the scene of the accident Beryl did dash.

It was a motorway pile up three others had died,

Distraught ,Beryl holding Bob's cold hand cried.

It came to her mind the thought  of the funeral ahead,

"I don't want to be cremated ,I want to...

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Jim walks past an asylum one day,

Hears lots of shouting,maybe an inmate affray.

"Nine, nine, nine ! ," the inmates did shout,

Jim peered through a gap to see what it was about.

A hose pipe suddenly appears,

Wet through ,more shouting Jim hears.

"Ten,ten,ten,"Jim was wet through,

"Ten,ten,ten, we were counting on you!"

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A cannibal came home and was ready to eat,

His wife was in the kitchen chopping up the meat.

"I'm getting excited what are you going to make ?"

She was chopping up a small man and a snake.

"I'm sorry the small man had to die,

But I do love snake and pigmy pie."

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Jane and Tom,an elderly couple were sat on a bus,

In front of them a young couple causing  quite a fuss.

All over each other and constantly kissing,

Jane says to Tom ,"That's what your missing !"

Tom stares at the young girl and says,"She's very pretty,

She's too young,I don't think she'll let me."

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"There's a burglar in the house !"Jane screams to Jake.

"He's just eaten half of my newly cooked cake!"

"Oh my goodness ,"Jake shouts,"I'd better ring 999 !"

"The ambulance will be with you soon,"said the medic on the line.

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Tim a bachelor with lots of money,

Planned a holiday to somwhere sunny.

He met a gorgeous girl who was only thirty,

Well dressed,well spoken and terribly flirty.

He brought her home to live in his house,

His friends were mesmerized by his new "spouse".

Newly retired at the age of sixty-five,

They all hoped his relationship would survive.

They asked,"How did you at...

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Sid went to an auction wasn't sure what to buy,

But a rather fine looking parrot caught his eye.

The bidding was fierce it made quite a lot,

But finally the winning bid Sid got.

Exhausted to the payment desk Sid did walk,

On the way asked the auctioneer if the parrot could talk.

"Yes ,"said the auctioneer,"he is one of a few,

He was the one bidding against you."

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I passed a sign outside a caff,

A sign that made me really laugh.

Monday .Fried chicken.

Tuesday.Pork chops.

Wednesday .Roast  lamb.

Thursday.Roast beef.

Friday,Senior citizens.

Are senior citizens any good to eat ?

Too much bone and not much meat.

I hope it won't be my fate,

To end up on a Cannibal caff plate.

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Three lads were out on the town,

The drinks they kept putting down.

One passes out and hits the ground,

One goes to the bar to buy the next round.

"What's he having there, lying  on the floor?"

"Oh he's drivng,can't have anymore."

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Jim leaving the pub a bit worst for drink,

Next step the cinema ,he did  think.

He buy's a ticket and staggers inside,

Soon  to buy another he did decide.

Two minutes later he's back buying a third,

The ticket office girl thought this was absurd .

Jim says,"Everytime I go in a bloke tears my ticket in half !"

The girl in the ticket office had a good laugh.

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Bill was speeding in a truck with a bunch of ducks in the back,

A policeman pulls him up and  gives him loads of flack.

"I just don't  know what to do with these ducks anymore !"

To the zoo down the road the cop advised him to go.

Next day Bill drives down the road and the policeman passes,

This time all the ducks are in the back wearing designer sun glasses.

"It is obvious the z...

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Jane asked John if he wanted his palm read,

"Yes please,"John happily said.

A pot of red paint she did dispand,

And tipped  it all over his hand.

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"Get up you lazy boy,

Staying at home should not be your ploy !" 

"But mum I don't want to be there anymore,

The kids are bullies,the teachers terrible,work's a chore."

"Eat your breakfast and go in you fool,

Your 50 years old and head of the school !"

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Jane was racing down the motorway in her new car,

Foot on the accelerator,over the speed limit by far.

Jane purchased the car because her abusive husband had left,

In prison serving a long sentence for theft.

Suddenly a blue light appeared from behind,

It was on the cards for her to be banned and fined.

The cop looked tired and said,"It's Friday the 13th ,I've had a bad day,

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"Are bugs good to eat?"

John asks his dad Pete.

"That's a disgusting question to  ask ,get real !"

They both carried on enjoying their meal.

Later,"Now why did you ask me that question  John?"

"There was a bug in your meal,but now it's gone."

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"I reached for a bottle every single day,

Working at home in the first lockdown,less structure to my day.

My hangovers were getting really bad,

To feel better,more drinks at lunchtime I had.

A shot of alcohol I needed to make me shine,

It dulled my senses ,I was trapped by this habit of mine.

Drink dulled my senses and falsely overcame my stress,

Diminishing my ability to...

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"Our gym was the life and soul of our town,

But due to lockdown it had to close down.

We hit a wall when it came about,

It just didn't work out ! "

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The teacher was asking tricky questions in her class.

Most of them had done well in their exams and secured a pass.

"How many times can you subtract ten  from a hundred?"

All the answers were incorrect,they'd truly blundered.

But the correct answer came from the class dunce. 

"The next time you would be taking ten from ninety.So once !"

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Two ghosts were trick or treating on Halloween,

They were pretending to be kids,that was mean !

But luckily they were not sucessful in what they tried to do,

Because they were so easy to see through.

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John and Lyn belonged to the elite,

Two talented artists ready to compete.

They entered the contest,John was the favourite to win.

But a really good picture was painted by Lyn.

The judges were in awe,

It ended up a DRAW.

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I tossed a coin to see who would be president.

Who would be the next White House resident.

Heads for Biden,tails for Trump.

Up in the air the coin did jump.

Heads it fell upon the floor,

Trump is president no more.

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Dave was brought up in a working class town.

Paul his mate was posh and frequently on Dave looked down.

"There are many benefits being working class,"Dave said to Paul.

"I've been very fortunate,I've claimed them all."

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Schools should be shut ,

For infections  to be cut.

Schools are a major contributor to the spread,

A hype in September on their return ,I did dread.

Disaster struck straight away,

Schools must close to make lockdown pay.

Keeping schools open definitely will,

Lead to a longer lockdown still.

Schools have to be shut to avoid disaster,

Please don't let covid becom...

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"We don't talk anymore,

He's 93 and I'm 94.

We've been together since 1953,

We never argue or disagree.

The secret,we can't hear anymore."

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Going out with uncle John was a danger,

In Westminster he embraced a complete stranger.

Armed police were called out,

To sort things out.

Thinking the P.M.'s life was in danger.

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There once was a Welshman from Ebbw Vale,

Who  wanted to have a good ride on a whale.

They returned from the ride with the Welshman inside,

And a smile on the face of the Whale.

Written by Morfil

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Father John was on his way to the crematorium,

He was flagged down by a lady near the Emporium.

She asked,"Can you tell me where the hospital is,I'm a nurse?

He told her and then waved at a passing hearse.

"I'm sorry I'm going to have to go."

Not wearing any clerical clothes his occupation she did not know.

"That is my funeral I must get there really fast." 

"Oh my dear,m...

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Amelia lived in Sabden and was a witch,

In school she was unpopular and was  called a bitch.

This troubled her very much,

Her class mates were cruel and out of touch.

But belonging to a witch family was not so bad,

Her mum was a witch and so was her dad.

Her dad would drive safely in the back seat,

Her mum while at work would make her house neat.

There was always ...

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I am a witch in tier three,

No trick or treating for you and me !

Around my neighbourhood I cannot zoom,

Depressed and dismal in a pool of gloom.

I'm sometimes described as a bad tempered witch,

I fly off the handle and become a bitch.

When at school I frequently rebelled, 

On two occasions I was ex-pelled.

The only subject I did really well,

Was English where I lea...

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"I got my sheepdog 5 years ago from 93 year old Alan Leek.

Due to enter a carehome a new home for Cap he did seek.

Five years on I thought how lonely he might be,

I just wanted to bring joy into his life and his old friend to see.

"On my trip up to Kendal I covered 300 mile,

Seeing the look on Alan's face made it all worthwhile.

Alan was so happy and Cap was happy too,

An...

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Lyn became an undertaker after being a nurse.

Much less stressfull driving a hearse.

Her husband Jim passed by the cemetry one day,

Noticed a new fence, a queue  and quite a delay.

"Why have they built a new fence Lyn?"

"Because people are dying to get in."

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"I am not an alcholic or addicted to a drug,

I am here because I was abused by a thug.

He's in a warm bed after abusing me,

But wrapped in my blanket,I'm feeling free.

Free from abuse and trauma at home,

Round the streets with my back pack I  roam.

Life on the streets can be tragic,

But the generosity of the kind is magic.

My little dog plays his part,

Fed by m...

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The covid witch is here to stay,

No sign of her going away.

All over the world she casts her spell,

An invisible curse,a door to hell.

Fever,cough ,headache and sore throat,

No cure yet, the witch does gloat..

But a turning point came in her life,

To put an end to the covid strife.

All her life she had been a tractor fan,

But while driving one she crashed into ...

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Mary's husband in a carehome resides,

There due to lockdown ,unvisited,does hide.

Suffering dementia,the past he has lost,

"Every day I don't see him,comes at a cost.

He has been my husband for 50 years,

For his mental health I have grave fears.

My husband needs contact with the one he has loved,

Sectioned and secluded into a care home he's been shuved.

In dementi...

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Jill and Kline were at home sipping wine,

"I love you,"said Jill,"your mine."

"Is that you or the wine talking?"asked Kline.

"It's me,"said Jill,"talking to the wine."

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Sum Ting Wong over from China on vacation,

Said to me,"Seeing all those flags make me proud of my nation."

"But Sum your Chineese and  all those flags are union jacks."

"Yes,but just take a look at the labels on their backs."

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Diana sat in the bus shelter,tears pouring down her face,

Her eyes red and puffy,she looked a disgrace.

An old lady came over and gave her a tissue,

Put her arm round Diana tried to comfort the issue.

"He's probably not worth it, the ignorant lout,

Get rid of him quickly,he's messing you about ! "

The old lady's bus arrived,she waved as she drove away.

Diana waved back,th...

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The world's Tongue Twisting Champion  was up in court for deceit,

He sat in the dock wondering what sentence he would meet.

The tough sentence he received was a shock,

He was lost for words sadly sat in the dock.

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Down with a virus 5 year old Jane went,

To the nurse at the surgery with her dad she was sent.

The nurse was there,blood ready to draw,

Jane and her dad entered the surgery in awe.

The nurse,eyes fixed on her folder,

Said,"I will take the blood from your shoulder."

Jane was perplexed ,didn't know what was going on,

"I'll wait for you outside dad,"back to the car she had g...

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"The day of the Lord will come like a thief."

The worldly effect of the pandemic is beyond belief.

"The heavens will disappear with a roar."

The spread of the virus definitely does soar.

"The elements will be destroyed by fire."

These pandemic predictions are dire.

"And the earth and everything done, it will be laid bare."

Reading these predictions gave me a sca...

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Jude was worried about her weight,

The tyre round her waist ,she did hate.

Her doctor said,"Hey Jude ,you need to diet,

Eat normal for two days,,skip a day,try it.

I guarantee after a fortnight you'll shed five pounds,

The fat will fly off in leaps and bounds."

When Jude returned , twenty pounds she had shed,

"That third day though I nearly droppped dead !"

"Amazing,"s...

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"A new way of life I have found,

I live in the lungs of a smoker ,spreading covid around.

When he coughs I am in his particles of saliva circulating in the air,

And the infectious coronavirus I love to share.

In some competitions called "cloud  cleansing,"vapers compete,

A large cloud with me in it,you might meet.

When exhaling vaping clouds ,microscopic droplets they do spr...

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"A woman walking out alone,

I snatched her bag and mobile phone.

I left her bruised and distressed,

My first crime, I'd passed my test.

I took my spoils quickly home

Through Yellow Pages my eyes did roam.

I came across the "Lady Luck Bargain Store,

Anything bought we give you more."

When I arrived my heart missed a beat,

The lady I had mugged ,I was about to me...

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Dan put  his blue face mask on when getting out of the car.

Jake covered his face up with an elegant blue bra.

"Why are you wearing that ?"asked Dan.

"My wife found it in the back of my works van."

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Caring Naomi  Jupp has been given an honarary police prize,

For alerting the police when worried about a customer's possible demise.

An elderly man had not collected his paper from the day before,

Naomi had left it half hanging out of his letter box front door.

The next, day, the previous day's delivery was in the way,

Naomi concerned rang the police without delay.

"I have p...

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Did you know that numbers can fight?

Large numbers all over the world frequently might.

Number 19 and 20 is an example of one.

Both numbers fought and twenty won.

Hope you figured that one out

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"Lonely she lies in her carehome bed,

When will I get to see her in the days ahead?

I don't know how long she has to live,

A touch and a hug  I cannot give.

My mum thrives on constant interaction,

For the last 6 months we have been deprived of  action.

The thought of not seeing her is tearing me apart,

Not to see her again will break my heart.

I myself am a mother...

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A female being bullied and persecuted by the press,

I thought at first,the damage  inflicted they couldn't care less.

I thought the poor woman is being attacked while ill.

Criticising Dominic Cummings flouting lockdown was top of her bill.

Cummings drove to his family in lockdown up home,

But she on a train journey from London to Glasgow did roam.

She got her nails done,shop...

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Jake was driving home quite fast,

Uknowingly a police car he had passed.

The police quickly gave chase,  

Into a services Jake did race.

The police car pulled him up, Jake angrily did moan.

"You've interrupted my conversation,I was on the phone! !"

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What is happening is beyond our control at the mo,

The number of schools hit by closures continues to grow.

Re-opening schools has accelerated the spread,

Many school employees returning ,scaringly did dread.

Covid 19 infections in children is very mild,

But from our little incubators the spread gets wild.

9 million children have gone back to school,

But the virus due to ...

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Jack sold a donkey to his friend Fred,

He delivered the donkey but sadly it was dead.

Fred thought,"Oh no I'm a hundred quid worse off !"

Then he said,"Great   I think I'll raffle him off."

"You can't raffle a dead donkey ,that's wrong Fred !"

"Sure I can I won't tell them he's dead."

All went well ,he sold 500 tickets at 2 quid apiece,

And made 898 quid profit from a don...

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A man burst into the doctor's surgery and flung open the door.

Jumped on the doctor's back and counted."One!Two!Three!Four!"

"What do you think you are doing?"shouted Dr Pugh.

"Well doc,everyone did say I could count on you."

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I love being a swan a partner I do seek,

I'm majestic,graceful,white with a yellow beak.

I possess a beak with saw like edges for my teeth,

My long neck delves for plants deep underneath.

I love my elongated curved neck,

Its flexibility keeps me in check.

I have 25,000 feathers to keep me warm,

Over canals and lakes with family swarm.

With a streamlined body and w...

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I jump into my hundred pound car,

With dog,drink and bounty bar.

We drive to the canal and unload my bike,

And hit the tow path doing what we like.

Dog runs along by my side,sometimes ahead, 

The fresh air and variety brings joy to each head.

We proceed for an hour at a sensible pace,

Both suitably satisfied and feeling ace.

We seek a bench and relax at our destin...

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David Clarke died earlier this week on the outskirts of town,

Tragically walking his dog,by a herd of cows was mowed down.

David taught at  Richmond School in Yorkshire for 23 years,

The community are devastated,shedding numerous tears.

A brilliant deputy head and simply a lovely leader

Enriched the life of everyone a true good deeder.

An amazing devoted teacher full of fun,

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Jim ran out of fuel in the dessert in his van,

He was thirsty so he thought I must run as fast as I can.

Having run ten miles and ready to die,

He came across a man selling many a tie.

Jim ignored the salesman and ran another mile,

Came to a tavern with people queuing outside in style.

Collapsing,thirsty ,tired and ready to die,

The doorman shouted,"Sorry,no entry no tie !"

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The local vicar rang his newsagent to complain,

"You've forgotten to send me my Sunday Times again."

The newsagent replied,"Your Sunday Times was not delivered today,

It will be delivered as usual tomorrow on Sunday."

The vicar apologised and said,"I thought I had been left in the lirch,

That's why there was no-one present today at my church.""

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Jack loved to share the occasioal joke,

At his pub on stage he frequenly spoke.

To share a joke about a virus he was bound,

Suddenly midway he stopped ,he didn't want to spread it around.

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"The coronavirus face mask ruling has changed my life,

I am no longer regarded by others as a persecuted wife.

I am no longer seen as an outcast or a security threat,

Whenever I used to go shopping many a vile comment I did get.

A change has come about when everyone is masked,

Entering a public place,to wear one you are asked.

No-one says a word about my veil at all,

Now ...

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A second wave is looming out there,

We must not give up and succumb to despair.

Hands ,face,space and rule of six,

We as a nation this pandemic  must fix.

How did we get in such a pickle?

Our future looks dark and fairly fickle.

Together we must bond to beat this plight,

 Fight the good fight with all our might.

Unite and fight as a determined nation,

To overco...

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"Sadly at the age of 16 I was left without a mother,

Abused mentally ,physically and sexually by my older brother.

I started smoking and drinking a lot,

Hanging around with the wrong crowd,depressed I got.

Treated like a toilet in my early life,

Doorways became my home,my sheltered strife.

Sleeping in the park on a bench I sometimes did,

Underneath my blanket I worringly ...

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"Homlessness due to the pandemic is on the up,

I sit in the city centre shivering holding my cup.

I'm viewed as an unsightly nuisance on the street,

Isolated from the rest of the community, begging to eat.

The slide towards homlessness for me was slow,

On a gradual fall through social safety nets I did go.

Bad choices in life got me into this situation,

Unemployed begging...

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Jane was seeking a birthday gift for her mother-in-law,

An unusual idea advertised in the local press she saw.

An expensive plot in a posh cemetry she did buy,

It lay unused as her mother-in-law did not die.

On her next birthday she bought her nothing at all,

She was really angry and at Jane did bawl.

She shouted so loud it created a pain in Jane's ear.

Jane responded,"Yo...

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Two teenagers into a sweet shop did go,

Into one of their pockets three chocolate bars go.

The thief leaves the shop and gloates about what he has done.

"You go in next,"he says to his mate,"let's have some fun !"

His mate goes in and blatantly scoffs three chocolate bars quick,

And says to the shopkeeper watching,"Would you like to see my trick ?

Look in my mate's pocket an...

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A tired  looking dog sat by my front door one day,

He looked into my eyes,what was he trying to say?

I gave him a dog treat and a loving pat,

He followed me in and curled up on my mat.

He woke up after resting for a long time,

Looked lovingly into my eyes and left mine.

The next day he did the same thing,

Happiness to his eyes again I did bring.

He did the same th...

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Nora was a retiree and had plenty of free time,

Sometimes sat on a bench writing a poem with rhyme.

One day she was at the town centre coming out of a shop,

And was confronted by a parking ticket been written by a cop.

Nora went up to him and said,"How about giving a pensioner a break?"

"You parked on a double yellow line,for God sake !"

Nora replied,"Go to hell turd and fac...

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Two teenagers acted in a manner difficult to comprehend,

High on drink and drugs, brought the life of a hard working family man to an end.

Murdered with a sword in a senseless and barbaric attack,

While investigating a gathering of youths at his factory back.

Hacked to death with more than  a hundred  blows,

Taking turns to stab,slash and chop in frenzied flows.

How and eart...

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Steve was on the phone to his wife,

"I have just had the worst experience of my life,

Sonia has just taken me to health care,

She pushed me there in a wheel chair.

I was leaving work and was hit by a van,

The driver was drunk and away from the scene he ran.

The police pursued the driver but all was in vain,

I am in hospital waiting for a scan on my brain."

"I have thre...

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The new vicar of St Giles,who's name was Pete,

Saw a small boy struggling to reach the doorbell across the street.

Pete thought ,"Bless him,poor little thing."

Walks over,smiles,gives the doorbell quite a ring.

"What now my boy,do you think they will have heard the bell?"

"Yes here they come,now we must run like hell !!"

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Fred had a stain on his new white sweater,

Wong's laundry for removing stains,there was no-one better.

Wong tried his best to remove the stain,

Gave up in the end his efforts were in vain.

Wong rang his brother and asked him to try,

But his brother too could not remove the dye.

Permanently stained and never to be white,

The moral, "Two Wongs can never make a white ."

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Phill went to a fishmongers and bought six trout,

Been fishing all day ,never caught nowt .

"Please can you throw them at me one by one ?"

"Off course" ,said the fishmonger,"It'll be fun ."

Phill went home and  placed them in a large dish,

And proudly boasted that he had caught six fish.

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The sailors in Portsmouth were off their boats,

All the ladies were out all night sowing their oats.

In the morning the sailors jumped on their boats and sailed away.

The ladies got down on their knees and for a crop failure did pray.

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George went to the doctor with diarrhoea,couldn't put up with it anymore.

The doctor asked,"Have you had any trouble with diarrhoea before?"

"Yes when I was at school it troubled me quite a lot,

If I'd known how to spell it,full marks in English I would have got."

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Jake took his young sister Jane fishing at the local lake,

On returning Jake sighed,"Mum a promise I must make,

I'm never taking her fishing again,

She never listens to me,she's a pain !"

"Hope she hasn't picked up any nasty  germs."

"No mum,not yet,but she kept eating my maggots and worms."

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The coronavirus curse needs fixing,

Please,please avoid social mixing !

Do as you are told,

Avoid the spread to the old.

Avoid going to a rave,

Sending a family member to the grave.

Coronavirus an unwelcome gift from those you love the most,

Family clusters,neighbours and friends could become a deadly host.

We are more likely to get it from those that we know real...

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Jenny was very attractive and worked at the bank,

But lost her job,coronavirus she had to thank.

Footfall to her bank had gone low,

So to the labour exchange she had to go.

She put on a suit to make an impression,

It was red and a tight fit,she was quite a sensation.

She got a job as an undertaker,

People are now dying to see her.

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Joe at the chemist went up to the girl stacking the shelves,he'd just seen her.

He asks ,"What kills coronavirus?"she replies,"Ammonia cleaner."

"I'm sorry I thought you worked here,

Please can you tell me where the chemist is my dear."

"I am the chemist ,my name is Ah Chu,

How can I help you ?"

Joe frightened by the sneeze,

Left didn't feel at ease.

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Fred was waiting for an x ray,he'd hurt his hip,

The nurse in the x ray department told him to strip.

Fred took great care of his body and was really fit,

The nurse from behind a screen watched as he discarded  his kit.

"Where shall I put my clothes ,there's no sign ?"

The nurse quickly replied ,"Put them on top of mine ."

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"Get up ,"shouted Tom's mum from the bottom of the stair,

"But I don't want to go,"shouted Tom back in despair.

"I hate the school the kids are really bad,

The teachers are terrible,when I leave I'm glad."

"I'm bored as around the school I roam,

I'd much prefer to be with you at home."

"You must get up and not let them rule,

Your fifty years old and the headmaster of the ...

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Bob went bald like many men,

Never to grow his hair agen.

Kit a friend from the past remembered his birthday,

They'd not met for twenty years,lived far away.

She sent him a comb as he used to  have a good head of hair.

Not knowing now that there was nothing there.

Bob sent a note back to his old friend Kit.

"Thanks for the comb,I'll never part with it."

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I sit on a bench and people watch,

Better than being at home with a bottle of scotch.

In watching people I feel alive,

And along with them I'm here to survive.

The present must be enjoyed,

Lungs,heart and liver deployed.

Fight for the future that you will love,

Enjoy your life before your call from above.

Life is a one way street,

Our future is there for us to ...

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Jane loved her cats she had three,

But was in a marriage ,abusive was he.

To get happy for a short time she turned to drink,

But to cure this  abusiveness she had to think.

One day an idea came into her brain,

Could the happiness of her cats ease her pain?

Her cats were so contented after eating their food,

Could lacing her husbands meals improve his mood?

So for ...

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Harold was a gambling man and loved to bet,

Tried to get others to participate that he met,

He went into a butcher's shop and an opportunity did arise,

"If you can reach the meat on he top shelf you win a prize."

"If you reach it I will give sixty quid to thee,

If not you will give the same to me ."

The butcher replied,"I'm not even going to try,

Because the steaks are fa...

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I went to the bank to draw some money,

But something happened which was really funny.

I was withdrawing money to buy a new bed,

After handing me the money the cashier said,

"Is there anything else I can do for you my love ?"

"Please can you check my balance ?"She gave me a shuv !

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He got on the bus no mask on his face,

The only one without,quite a disgrace .

At him ,all we mask wearers did stare,

It was obvious as he sat there,he did not care.

Two stops later he did get off,

As he rose to his feet he did cough !

Spreading his germs he did not stop,

As into another confined space he did pop.

His colleagues at work awaited his arrival,

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As we get older our brain shrinks,

Losing its ability on how it thinks.

To use it or lose it rings  very  true,

And there are many things we can do.

To be aware of the risk factors is a good sign,

To keep it alive and avoid decline.

Lowering your alcohol intake is a good thing to do,

But fortunately you can still enjoy a glass or two.

Look after your heart and avoid pa...

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Corona virus is here to stay,

There's no sign of it going away.

Pubs are open having a ball,

Spreading the virus to one and all.

I pass a pub outside they smoke,

Laughing and spitting as they share a joke.

Many involved in a pub crawl ,

Spreading the virus to one and all.

It is impossible to drink wearing a mask,

Social distancing is a difficult task.

The more you dri...

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Joe was racing down a road in Dover,

A blue light flashing behind made him pull over.

"You were doing well over 90 miles an hour."

"Oh my goodness,"said Joe,"I'm amazed at my power."

And then to a  shocked policeman Joe did say,

"That's amazing,I only passed my test yesterday."

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After the funeral a bill in an envelope I did unlock,

The bill was reasonable but gave me a shock.

The bill read,"two thousand and ten,

Many thanks,please call agen."

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Sam was a criminal and was caught robbing a bank.

The police arrested him,his stammer they had to thank.

Sam holding a gun couldn't say what he meant,

The cashier quickly into the back of the bank went.

She rang the police and they quickly arrested Sam,

In court  the judge into prison Sam did slam.

Sadly Sam died in prison before he could finish his sentence.

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Joe was ambitious always wanted to do well,

But always ended up in  a dead end job nothing to tell.

He yearned for a superior position about which he could boast,

But times were tough and it was ifficult to get such a post.

But luck was on his side,

A job he could boast about arrived.

"I'm a security guard at a cemetry,

And I have five hundred people under me !!"

...

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I left school and trained to be an undertaker,

A privilege it was to return the deceased to their Maker.

Many a sad moment I had burying the dead,

Experiencing the flow of tears from many a head.

The pay was good and the experience was ace,

Sadly I was sacked for burying a body in the wrong place.

I'd made a grave mistake !

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She sat on the bench sad,blue eyed,

Tears flowing as she cried.

Both her grand parents had sadly gone,

"I must have had  the virus and passed it on."

She reflected on the symptoms she had got,

As a healthy teenager not a lot

A slight sore throat and a loss of smell,

Nothing major , didn't feel unwell.

"My grand parents I did adore,

No longer here they lived nex...

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Fred faithful was a very loyal man,

Lorraine was his pretty girlfriend,he was her number one fan.

One day he went to work and found a new girl had started,

She was called Clearly,drop dead gorgeous,newly parted.

Fred bacame besotted,it was obvious Clearly liked him too.

But he still loved Lorraine and didn't know what to do.

Fortunately as fate had it Lorraine ran away with ...

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A flasher in the sun out on the street,

When the rain fell became discreet.

Outside it was raining really hard,

He wrote this poem and became a bard.

"Weather is a storm or a sun in our conversation,

Gives us plenty to talk about as a nation.

I look through my window the weather's getting worse,

Oh my goodness a funeral ,wonder who's in that hearse.

Rain is s...

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"I am a key worker on holiday in Spain,

Arrived yesterday ,but now feeling  pain.

Paid twelve hundred quid for a two week stay,

My wife and I have to fly back today.

A coronavirus spike has produced another scare,

On our return a two week isolation after being there.

A stay at home break for us is a must,

Our holiday in Spain has lost its lust.

A new enforcement o...

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My partner was looking through a magazine,

An expensive car she had seen.

"I want that,get it for me !"

So I cut it out,it was free.

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In meadows green it spends its day,

Then to the barn to pay its way.

The rent is just a pail of milk,

Rewarding the farmer with pure silk.

In every farm the cow will graze,

Its calmness never ceases to amaze.

But despite the music of its moo,

Few will give the beast its due.

As cows calmly chew their grass,

From field to plate they soon will pass.

To eat the...

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Percy was a sailor and went to see his doc,

He had been at sea for a year,avoiding the Covid lock.

While he was away his wife did play,

Actively pursuing her wicked way.

"You have diagnosed my wife as being pregnant ,it can't possibly be true."

"It  is ," said the doctor ,"someone had it in for you."

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A family of skunks were trapped in a wood,

Surrounded by a pack of wolves up to no good.

Sally the mum had to quickly think,

She ordered all the family to make a stink.

"Hands together,eyes closed ,let us spray !"

The  wolves were overcome and ran away.

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Tara was woken up by loud raps on her knocker,

Ben had been hurt at work,he was a Liverpool docker .

She arrived at the hospital in a flurry,

He was precious to her,she was full of worry.

She asked the receptionist which ward she would find poor Ben,

"Ah yes,he was flattened by a steam roller,he's in ward 8,9. and 10."

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Jack always left his keys in the ignition of his car,

His dad said,"Take them out, you are at risk of losing your car."

"But dad if I take them out I might never see them again,

And besides I have a spare set ,so don't complain !"

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John was driving along and two men in a field he did pass,

They were both heads to the ground devouring grass.

Sitting comfortably in his many seated coach he did ask,

"Why are you both performing such a strange task?"

"We don't have enough money to keep our families well fed."

"Well come along with me then,"John said.

"But we both have a wife and eight little ones."

Ouit...

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A teacher was trying to teach manners to her all male class.

"Meeting a lady on a date,how would you tell her water you need to pass?" 

Tom said,"Please excuse me ,I'm sorry I need to go to the loo."

"Yes that's sensible,a good response from you."

Jake who was the naughtiest of the teenage bunch,

Said,"I have to shake hands with a friend,whom you'll meet after lunch."

The te...

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Bill and Phill had one thing in common,they drank quite a lot.

Bill said,"I only drink twice a day,when I'm thirsty and when I'm not."

Phill said,"It is a habit I will always keep,

But I can stop drinking when I'm asleep."

Bill says,"I don't  have a drink problem when all is said and done,

Except when all the pubs are closed and  I can't get one."

"Drinking is one thing my m...

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Joe at a park sits next to a dog on a bench,

On the next seat is sat a well dressed wench.

Joe asks her,"Does your dog bite?"

"No never,my dog is alright."

Joe tickles the dog behind its ear,

The dog fiercely growls and bites Joe's rear.

Joe shouts,"I thought you said he was fine!"

"I'm sorry ," she said,"My dog is at home,that dog isn't mine."

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Jane was adopted at a very early age.

Her birth mum,an actress, with no work on the stage,

Became homeless and onto the streets went,

Made a living begging in Margate Kent.

Jane was fortunate her upbringing was stable,

She shone at school became bright and able.

To an university in Kent Jane went,

Qualified as a doctor and to a hospital went.

Jane decided to try a...

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Dying is a very dull and dreary affair,

Surround yourself with silence and avoid nightmare.

The sound of silence makes you live longer,

The sound of silence makes you much stronger.

In silence trees, grass and flowers grow,

In silence  sun,moon and stars round us go.

Noise and restlessness leads to an early grave,

For the sound of silence we must  relentlessly crave.

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John takes his alsatian to the vet,

He was worried about getting into debt. 

The vet picks the dog up and checks his weight,

His eyes,ears,joints and heart rate.

"I'm going to have to put him down and write you a bill"

"Oh my goodness! Is it because he is so seriously ill ?"

"No its because he's really heavy !"

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A highly respected police officer was due to retire,

He had assisted many colleagues,his guidance they did admire.

Jessica ,a chief inspector,who spoke at his leaving party,was a great fan,

"I would not be in the position that I am in if it wasn't for this man."

The large gathering at his leaving party thundered with laughter,

Why? Jessica remembered she was 8 months pregnant after.

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"Mum, I was on the bus with dad,

I think he did something bad.

He told me to give up my seat to a blonde,

And when with her he built up a bond."

"To give up your seat seems ok to me."

"But mum I was sat on his knee !"

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Three pals were out drinking all day,

George passes out and on the floor does lay.

Jim goes to the bar to get the next round.

Barman asks,"What's he having there on the ground?"

"He won't want to miss out as you are buying."

"He'd better not have any more"said Jim,"he's driving.!"

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George was a keen gardener and loved his job,

But was imprisoned for a robbery with his friend Bob.

His dad got in touch,his garden was in a mess,

"I have no-one to weed my garden,what do you profess?"

George sends a letter to his dad,"Leave things as they are,

That's where I buried the two I killed driving recklessly in my car."

The police intercetpted the letter and s...

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Fred was growing old,"What an earth is happening to me,

I'm being convicted for a crime I haven't commited !"said he.

One day Fred went to the post office ,a book of stamps to buy,

Three letters he had to post ,but he was a forgetful guy.

The envelopes he did remember to close and lick,

But the stamps on the letters he forgot to stick.

Fortunately for him the post box was near a ...

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June whizzes past a police car at 80 miles per hour,

An arrest after a pursuit surely is to flower.

The cop thinks she is knitting something behind the wheel,

He shouts,"Pull over!"as their brakes both squeal .

"No officer you've got it all wrong,

I'm mending the holes in my thong !"

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