It was Boxing Day and Jenny was passing her local M&S,

She was going to a New Years Eve party and needed a new dress.

She saw a dress in the window which caught her eye,

"Please can I try on that dress in the window?" to an assistant she did cry.

The assistant replied,"For you to try on that dress in the window I would deplore !

You'll have to try it on in the fitting room like ever...

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Pat went to see her doctor as she had an allergy to her cat,

Returning a week later,things hadn't improved sadly for  Pat.

"The treatment wasn't very sucessful,"she was heard saying,

Turns out on the cat the inhaler she was spraying !!

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It's Christmas and a couple are sipping wine,

Jane suddenly says,"I love you and your mine."

"Is that you or the wine talking ?"says Fred..

"It's me talking to the wine ,"Jane said. 

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My mother didn't need her phone anymore,

To get it disconnected was quite a chore.

Customer service said the account was in my dad's name.

An unhelpful reply from customer service came.

My dad would have to put in the request,

"Not possible ,two years ago my dad was laid to rest !"

I decided determinately not to pay the bill,

My action plan unfortunately I  did not fullfi...

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Omicron is spreading like wildfire across the U.K.

Lockdown we must impose right away.

This variant is spreading at a rate not seen before,

Implement lockdown now Boris I  implore !!

Be aware Boris of the before Christmas risk,

Bring on lockdown now Boris,be brave and brisk .

An enormous rise in infections we will experience before Christmas day,

If you don't do as many o...

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"Due to the pandemic I started a job that I did dread,

The only people I did meet,were sadly the dead.

At the morgue family members were not allowed to be there,

I learnt to treat each body with loving care.

Inside the morgue I feel overwhelmed and lost,

My thoughts are with the families and those they have lost.

Nurses place the bodies in a white bag,

And scribble the bo...

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 A vulnerable lady in her 80's was robbed of her cash,

Two men tricked their way into her home and off with her handbag did dash.

They falseley claimed they worked for the water board,

Trauma into this elderly lady these despicable thieves have poured.

Once inside one man made an excuse to go upstairs,

She was pushed onto a bed ,now traumertised despairs.

This was a despicab...

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The Omicron virus is spreading really fast,

Four times more could be self-iscolating than Christmas last.

Case numbers are doubling every single day,

Hundreds of thousands are likely to test positive before Christmas day.

Omicron cases might get to two hundred thousand a day,

A yultide of iscolation is on the way.

The elderly more likely to put pressure on the N.H.S.

A ti...

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Lockdown drags on and Boris scandals increase by the day,

The pandemic pain doesn't seem to be going away.

Boris takes the cabinet out for dinner,

Political stress is making them thinner.

The waiter asks Boris,"What are you having to eat ?"

"I'll have a steak ,I deserve a treat."

The waiter says,"What about the vegetables ?"

Boris answers "Oh they'll have the same as me."

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"In bits shattered ,upside down ,

It's a hard struggle begging in my town.

Being homeless is scary and depressing,

Empty,lost,I'm constantly stressing.

Those that govern need to look after their own more,

Rather than give priority to those washed up on our shore !

Everyone deserves warmth and a bed,

I feel invisible,destined to be dead !

Posh lifestyles,sumptuous ...

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Cross legged he sat out in the cold,

Begging for assistance only 20 years old.

His life fell apart when he lost his home,

He sank into depression as the streets he did roam.

But a beacon of hope shone his way,

And the light is shinning on him today.

The Salvation army helped him survive,

Found him a job,a new home and thankfully thrive.

As you look forward to spen...

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Fred Faithful was a very loyal man,

Lorraine was his lovely girlfriend,he was her number one fan.

One day he went to work and a new girl had started,

She was called Clearly,drop dead gorgeous,newly parted.

Fred became besotted,it was obvious Clearly liked him too.

But he still loved Lorraine and didn't know what to do.

Fortunately as fate had it Lorraine ran away with John,

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To the 6ft 6in BBC breakfast host,

I  lift up my glass and offer a toast.

Onto the Strictly dance floor Dan legged,

To do it 'cos his three kids begged.

Dan Walker you are a star,

Even your wife is amazed you have got so far.

Into the quarter finals you have arrived,

After numerous leader board bottoms,you've survived.

To the dance floor tonight doing the tango  D...

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Council workers lifted up cars with a crane,

To paint double yellow lines on a previously  unrestricted lane.

One by one they lifted each car up and down,

Parking tickets issued incited a communal frown  !!

Shortly after the council workers had completed painting the lines,

As an unfortunate coincidence, parking wardens arrived in the area and issued fines.

Numerous £70 fine...

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Keep on watch because you know neither the day or the hour,

Keep looking,keep awake for you know not when the end will flower.

Those exhibiting selfish,greedy,fierce and unloving traits will cease to be,

Evidence that they are entering their final days seems clear to me.

The world is passing away,to  rejuvenate we must endeavour,

The one who does the will of our Creator will re...

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Devastating wars,famines,earthquakes and diseases,

Constantly into our world the devil squeezes

In one year, 2.6 million world-wide covid deaths instil fear,

Does an event like this  indicate the end of the world is near ?

The complexity of the world being ruled by humans is a mess,

Hunger,disease,wars ,natural disasters, a sea of stress.

God's Kingdom is the only power to s...

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The choir at the concert hall were ready to perform,

But there was no-one there due to a violent storm.

However,there was one man sat in the front seat.

The choir master turned to the choir and said,"Let's give him a treat.

We'll honour our commitment and perform in the usual way."

"Hurry up,"said the man in the audience,"I'm the caretaker and it's been a long day !!"

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Parking rows in a village near Taunton ,neighbours have said,

Led to a couple being stabbed and tragically end up dead.

They have been named as Stephen and Jennifer Chapple,

Their horrific end ,a community ,sadly have to grapple.

The impact their deaths will have on their children is utterly heart-breaking,

Aged five and six found asleep upstairs,traumatically breath-taking.

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Jane's mum wanted her phone disconnected,

But in her dad's name the phone was connected.

Her dad according to customer service would have to sort it out,

But Jane's dad had been dead for 20 years,it would not to come about.

"But "said Jane ,"If we stop paying the bill  it will bring it all to an end."

"Yes "said customer service,"but a customer liability notice to your dad we w...

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He was her world,her life,her everything,

Nothing could have prepared her for what covid would bring.

Dr Irfan Halim a gifted doctor right up to the end,

Treating covid patients on the front line,helping them mend.

Described as being like  "ten men in one body"on the front line,

Working on a covid intensive ward died after a covid battle on week nine.

A hero surgeon missed a...

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Zulu was a zebra just retired from Chester zoo,

Went to live on a farm ,the experience was quite new.

She came across a big fat weird thing,supposedly a cow,

Who had just filled a bucket full of milk and was making quite a row.

She then saw this strange white thing who had just laid an egg,

"Hello I'm a friendly chicken and my name is Peg."

Zulu soon was settled and the farm...

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The house has been brought into disrepute,

Many dodgy dealings to make more loot.

To strengthen political standards we must,

Those who have been privileged to look after us we must trust.

You cannot be a poacher and a gamekeeper I stress,

Sweep corruption under the carpet,clean up the mess.

To look after their constituenis M.P.s must aspire,

Not become political cabs up f...

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Sue on a plane sits next to Hugh,

In mid flight Sue goes to the loo.

On her return Hugh had jumped into her seat,

Sue's furious rage Hugh was to meet.

"Can't believe you've sat in my seat Hugh !"

"Oh I'm so sorry,I thought you'd got off Sue ."

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An Englishman,an Irishman , a Scotsman and a Welshman walked into an undertakers in Stoke,

The undertaker perplexed at what was going on said,"I'm seriously thinking this is a joke !"

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I couldn't afford the rent,

Now sleeping in my tent.

Hostels are hard to come by,

Desperately to get a bed I try.

Into my damp sleeping bag I creep,

When it's freezing I can't sleep.

Some kind people buy me a coffee or a pasty,

Others look down on me and excrete comments that are nasty !

I sit crouched  up against a rubbish bin,

Hoping someone will pass by and ...

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Due to forgetfulness to the doctor for a brain X ray Fred did go,

"Doctor,what do the results of my brain X ray show ?"

"Unfortunately nothing I'm afraid ,

It all boils down to how you were first made ."

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Today I paid a visit to my bank,

A cashier there I will never thank.

Please check my balance I did say,

She pushed me over right away !!

Withdrawal symptoms came over me,

I transferred my account to H.S.B.C. !!

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He went into the morgues when staff had left,

The things he did left our nation bereft.

Many of his victims died another death,

Abused after taking their final breath.

The most vulnerable in our society have been failed,

After a number of burglary offences, he was not jailed.

He stayed in his post never got the sack,

And kept trophies to relive every single attack.

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The child-minder was rather surprised how quiet little Lucy appeared to be,

"Why are you so well behaved and quiet,seems a little strange to me ?"

 " Because mummy has said I can have a new teddy bear,

If I don't say anything about your enormous nose and snow white hair."

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George met the gym insructor at the Ritz,

And asked ,"Can you teach me how to do the splits "?

"How flexible are you ?"the instructor did ask .

"I can make any day except Friday to complete the task. "

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Tom was driving his wife Sue to the brink,

Spending too much time at the pub addicted to drink.

To weigh up why he was wrong,

To the pub one night Sue went along.

"What will you have to drink Sue ?"

"Think I'll have the same as you."

Tom knocked back two whiskies really quick.

Sue followed suit ,but was really sick.

"That's nasty poison !! Sue shouted out,

Can'...

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I was shocked when Dan arrived at my house wearing a bra.

"Why an earth are you wearing that,your carrying things a bit too far !!

How long have you been wearing that bra  Dan ?"

"Ever since my wife found it in the back of my van !"

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I'd been married to Beryl for 30 years,

But bad news on her phone Beryl hears !

"Your husband has been involved in a fatal crash !"

To the scene of the accident Beryl did dash.

It was a motorway pile up ,three others had died,

Distraught,Beryl holding my cold hand cried.

It came to her mind the thought of my funeral ahead,

"I don't want to be cremated,I want to be buried ...

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Jane brings her new boyfriend home to meet her mum and dad,

Appalled by his tattoos,haircut and earings,to them he looked bad.

Later, Jane's mum said,"Definitely not a good choice  for you my dear !"

"But mum ,he must be good,he's done 600 hours community service this year ! "

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"The last few years have been tough,

Many more of us have been sleeping rough.

Losing my job and my home I was pushed to the brink,

Misery tragically led me to begging,drugs and drink.

Kicked out of my house ,I had nowhere to go,

On one occasion over a tree a rope I did throw.

I was exposed to freezing temperatures ,hunger and abuse,

I felt deeply depressed and not much u...

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George my friend went to a gohst-ery store in East Cheam,

Bought loads and loads of boxes of I-scream,

Jumped in the car with Vera the vampire, gave her a peck,

Vera gave him a kiss,'twas a pain in the neck !

Vera at the bakery went up to the jam doughnut shelf,

Sucked out all the jam all by herself.

The selection to eat at the bakery were numerous,

But nothing with ...

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Let's keep Britain safe and free,

As yet no booster jab offered to me.

The N.H.S.faces a tough winter ahead,

Many of us will end up infected and dead.

Protection wears off for the jabs we have already had,

For a booster jab appointment I will be so glad.

For the first two jabs I happily did go,

The booster jab is being delivered far too slow. !!

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"Hello my name is Jim,was jailed at the age of eighteen,

Looking back, the crimes I committed were really mean.

Criminals locked up,don't all come out reformed, 

I came out worst completely deformed !

Prison didn't help me correct my ways,

I learnt lessons from veterans that crime pays.

After two years inside serving my time,

I was set free to practice my education in cri...

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Sir David Amess was passionately committed to his job,

Struck down,in a church of all places, by an extremist yob.

A fatal  attack on our elected M.P.,

A damaging  assault on our democracy. !!

Poisonous political views are excreted in the social media sewer,

For difficult and dangerous debate we must find a cure.

The views of every positive voice in our community we mus...

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A multiple stabbing has brought the life of Sir David Amess M.P.to an end,

The nation has lost a fine public servant and a much loved friend.

Our hearts are full of grief today,

A nicest person's life has been taken away.

An enormous animal lover and true gent,

Killed by a 25 year old with evil intent.

Stabbed at  a constituency surgery in a church at  Lea-on -Sea,

A dark...

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Dad burst into song when hanging the clothes on the line,

It definitely was not a favourite song of mine.

Dad asked,"did you like listening to me ?"

I replied,"You should have been on T.V."

Dad said,"Can't believe I was so good,what you said was nice." 

I said,"On T.V. I  could have pressed off on my device !!"

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A pair of statues in a park a foot apart,

Beautiful sculptures of a man and his sweetheart.

An angel passes and gives the female a chance to flaunt,

Feeling sorry for them he says, "I'll use my powers to let you do what you want."

The statues jump into the bushes and grunt and groan,

The male emerges from the bushes all alone.

"Where is your beautiful partner the angel said,...

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Beware ! A persistent forceful cough is going around,

Sounds like a goose honk coming from your hound.

Dogs catch kennel cough when inhaling bacteria into their respiratory tract,

Exposure to crowded ,poorly ventilated kennels,a catching fact.

A lack of protection from dust and cigarette smoke can bring it on,

Coughing ,sneezing and eye discharge  in 2 or 3 weeks ,hopefully wil...

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A spell in China my granddaughter enjoyed,

And then to  Sabden in lancashire was deployed.

Many happy years in school Morgan did fullfil,

Maturing in the country near Pendle Hill.

Then off to Paris Morgan did trot,

An university experience she has got.

A multitude of friends she has made,

On her way to achieving a successful grade.

Her future is bright and definit...

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Police arrived at the scene of an accident,

A man had crashed into a lorry full of cement.

Police believe the driver could be a hardened criminal called Don,

But he's done a runner and at present they  have nothing concrete to go on.

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A terrible Spring to come in 2022,

Gas prices to rise for me and you.

Many people will feel the strain,

Universal credit now down the drain.

Prices have already gone up in our supermarket stores,

Making it more expensive to buy plasters for our sores .

Coronavirus infections yesterday nearly forty grand.

Hope some positives on our future plates will land.

Tory par...

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We are blessed with a planet full of trees,

A towering gift of pleasure put there to please.

On my favourite walk trees abound,

Their roots  brilliantly spread around.

Their roots are our foundation,

A breath of fresh air for our nation.

Trees spread happiness all around,

Firmly embedded in the ground.

Leaves fluttering from an autumn tree,

Revealing branc...

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Hundreds of women die each year at the hands of men,

"We will not stop campaigning until we are safe agen !!"

From an early age spaces in boy's brains we  must  reserve,

Educating them to honour females and give them the respect they deserve.

Statistics show that over 200 women were murdered last year,

It is unacceptable that women walk around our streets in fear.

The govern...

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Five minutes from home Sabina Nessa walking in the dark,

Was savagely murdered by a complete stranger in a park.

Hidden under a pile of leaves discovered by a dog walker,

 Indiscriminately attacked  by an unknown  male stalker.

Women and girls deserve to feel safe at all times,

But are being subjected to an intensity of crimes.

Male violence is killing women and restricting ...

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Jane a prolific shopper loved to spend,

But sadly this had to come to an end.

Jane underwent plastic surgery and found it hard,

Her husband lost his job and cancelled her credit card.

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