"Life on the street is really tough,

It's Christmas 2022 and I'm sleeping rough.

At the end of the tunnel there is no hope or light,

My addiction is taking over, darkenning my plight.

My head is spinning all over the place,

Each night searching for a sleeping space.

Finally I rest my troubled heavy head,

On my uncomfortable  cardboard bed.

Last night couldn't get ...

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Waiting to be seen at the dentist with a patient I did chat,

To pass time numerous topics we did discuss,mainly this and that.

"Are they all your own teeth?"a question into the conversation did land.

I answered,"They should be,they cost me nine  and a half grand!"

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On a flight to Japan my luggage got lost.

To replace everything,a lot it did cost.

I tried to sue the airline for the luggage they did misplace.

I was devastated by the result,I lost my case !!

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Two vampires decided to call at a retirement home for their dinners,

But had a change of plan when they discovered everyone was on blood thinners.

For their necks plan  they decided to go to a football club,

Where many players' necks provided them with fresh grub.

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On a flight from Heathrow to Madrid,

Running  up and down the aisle was a badly behaved kid.

His actions everyone on the flight did deplore,

He ran into the flight attendant knocking a tray full of drinks on the floor.

A few words of anger to say the hostess  did decide.

"Bad lad,why don't you go and play outside !!!

"

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A shepherd got lost and led his sheep down the wrong way,

Spotted by a warden,a fine he would have to pay.

It was in a town near to where I live called Blackburn.

The shepherd was given a ticket for making a ewe turn !!

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Unable to pay bills I ended up on the street,

Intense cold and a lack of sleep I did meet.

I had never lived on the street ,my first winter was insane,

The cold,the frost-bite ,the lack of sleep was a constant pain.

Being an addict became my full time job,

Constantly begging and sneaking into shops to rob.

One day I went door to door looking for work to make ends meet,

An...

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Jude a friend of mine has a habit of eating snails,

Her search for food in my garden never fails.

"Why do you eat snails ?"I asked Jude.

"It's cos I don't like eating fast food !

Eating snails makes me feel better,

Better,better,better,better."

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As rising bills through my letterbox swarm,

My main worry is the rising cost of keeping warm.

Having to cut back on meals to make ends meet,

My health is at risk unable to afford to heat !!

A torture situation arises leading to a depressive mood,

In having to choose between warmth and food.

Salades are becoming my main meal,

Rising gas prices making cooking a no deal. !!

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Loved and respected by us all,

On the 8th of september 2022 a shock on our nation did fall.

Sadly Her seventy year reign has come to an end,

Emotional tributes to Her Majesty we all send.

She served our nation all Her life,

A dedicated mother a loving wife.

Millions wished Her Majesty well when she passed away,

I'm in shock,I don't really know what to say !!

R.I.P...

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A perfect crime was committed last night by Pete,

He broke into a police station and stole every toilet seat.

Police as yet have no-one to bring a conviction upon,

And unfortunately, at present ,have nothing to go on.

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Tom was a taxi driver on his way to pick up a nun,

He"d always wanted to kiss one thought it would be fun.

So he picked her up and looked  her in the eye,

Asked her if she wouldn't mind giving it a try.

She asked him whether he was married or a Catholic.

He said,"No neither,"this did the trick.

He pulled over to the side and embraced her in a snog,

But suddenly he burst i...

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Fred realised he was turning bald when the barber said,

"Which of these few hairs do you want me to trim Fred ?"

Fred while getting bald ,to Claire his wife was unkind,

She could literally always see what was on his mind.,

When Fred was losing his hair,

In despair,"I'm leaving said Claire!"

"For twenty years their mariage had been fine,

But as Claire left Fred said,""I do...

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I tried to steal spaghetti from a shop, 

But unfortunately was spotted by a female cop. 

Picked up the spaghetti and ran much faster,

 But was finally caught,couldn't get pasta.
 

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Greg says to his teacher,"Please may I go to the loo?"

"Yes but read the alphabet first you must do."

"Abcdefghijklmno qrstuvwxyz."

"That was quick,clear and well read.,but one error you have made Greg,

Where did the P go Greg ?"All the way down my leg !!"

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Pete a talented young artist was asked by his teacher to draw a cow eating grass,

His teacher on completion asked Pete to display his picture in front of the class.

"Good picture ,but no grass for the cow to eat."

"Sorry sir,the grass the cow did eat"said Pete.

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My son was celebrating his sixth birthday,

Many friends were coming round to stay.

We had to hoover and disinfect,

And exterminate every insect.

A lover of spiders was my extremely worried   six year old son,

"What happens to spiders when they get hoovered up dad?""They Dyson !!"

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Worked at a bank for a week,

But sadly a new job I had to seek.

A man came in to check what his balance was like,

I pushed him over and was sacked by Mike !!!

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A little girl  out for a walk,

Happily with her relative did talk.

Suddenly  bent down on bended knee,

And picked up a caterpillar running free.

Showed me the caterpillar running up her hand,

"Don't want to see a passing foot on it land !!

Don't want to see it squashed never to fly !!

I'll place it in the undergrowth, to be a butterfly."

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Fantasy crime figures politicians can give,

As secluded lives behind bodyguards they live.

They never have to travel at night on trains full of drunks,

Or witness their convenience stores being robbed by  skunks !!

We need more bobbies on the beat,

The rising crime figures we must defeat.

Punishments for early career offenders must be more heated,

The public know to well ...

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Fuel poverty is going to hit many of us, 

Many pensioners will have to keep warm on the bus.

Rising bills will undoubtedly affect us old,

Earlier deaths for us elderly more susceptable to the cold.

Rising energy bills are expected to make us frown,

How can we save money and bring our bills down ?

Turning  the thermostat down one degree or two will become the norm,

Reduce ...

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"What does the chicken give you Pete ?"

Pete answers ,"the chicken gives us meat ."

"What does the pig give you Chris?"

"The pig gives us bacon miss ."

"Great answers,what does the fat cow give us Hugh?"

"The fat cow gives us too much homework to do !!"

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A wife was telling her husband Hugh off  for being to needy,

"That's the 4th time you've gone back for a cake ,your greedy !!

Doesn't that embarass you Hugh !!"

"No," answered Hugh,"I keep telling them it's for you."

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At the funeral of my uncle Mat,

With an elderly lady I did chat.

I was absolutely delighted when she remarked  that I was the most beautiful woman she had seen.

On leaving,elated, I remarked to my mum how complementary and  kind the  lady had been.

Mum answered,"Oh yes she has always been complementary and kind,

But unfortunately last year due to old age she was declared completely ...

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I've experienced many birthdays ,not done much wrong,

Statistics show that those who have many birthdays live long.

Forget about the past you can't change it,

Forget about the future you can't predict it,

Forget about the PRESENT I didn't get it !!

When I think about my age ,it brings on a frown,

It seems to always go up but never comes down.

I like birthdays,so long live...

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A win against Germany would be the icing on the cake,

Their skill and team spirit,history the Lionesses would make.

The Lionesses are a perfect example of girl power,

They show women how to be the best and flower.

The Lionesses deserve all the support that comes their way,

A win at Wembley will definitely make our day.

90,000 tickets sold to a roaring crowd,

Come on Engla...

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Feeling sick Fred grabbed a thermometer and opened his mouth wide,

Hoping to get a positive reading when it was placed inside.

Molly, his wife,aghast at what she had seen,

Shouted,"spit it out,you don't know where it's been !!"

"Oh no !"gasped Fred,"has it been in the mouth of our dog Olly ?"

"Not exactly,it's been somwhere else "answered Molly.

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20 teenagers at a secondary school were having a race,

With numbered shirts from 1-20 set off from base.

Unfortunately 19 and 20  got into a fight mid-run,

But due to a miscalculation by 19,"21"

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The knock,knock jokes have made us laugh for many many years,

Countless jokes have been shed which have brought laughter and tears.

An award for  the instigator of the knock,knock jokes comes as no surprise,

Due to his originality,perseverance and appeal ,he has won the "no-bell" prize.

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It was a sad day,his family cried.

A well known Italian chef had died.

Many in attendance as in his coffin he did lay,

To celebrate the life of the Italian chef who had pasta-way.

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A friend called round yesterday in tears,

Rising food and fuel prices accentuated her fears.

"I have tragically become unemployed !"

Noticing  the intensity of her tears I couldn't avoid.

"Have you registered to go on the dole ?"

"Yes,I buried someone in the wrong hole !!

Losing my job as an undertaker makes my heart ache,

But I must admit I  did make a grave mistake !!!"

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Boris takes his Cabinet out for a meal.

After a bruising day in the House,a chance to heal.

Annie the waitress asks," What  would you like to eat tonight ?

Boris replies,"A juicy steak I  perceive would be  just right ."

"What about the vegetables ?"asked Annie.

"Oh,"says Boris," they'll  have the same as me."

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Liz Truss in the leadership contest must win,

And Angela Rayner , to be the next Labour leader must get in.

As leaders the ladies could unite and sort our problems out,

Rather than viciously,as the men in Paliament at each other shout.

Liz Truss is the candidate with the most  impressive C.V.

Due to  her  family values,compassion and aspirations,the next P.M. I see.

Liz is n...

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It was Boris' mission to make our country a better place,

But a rebellion by clueless Tory M.P.'S was gathering pace.

Boris was and still is the best leader to improve our lives,

But has been brought to an end by his assasins wielding their knives.

The charge sheet against Boris in the Tory affray,

Were trivial and exaggerated, Boris should stay.

As the pretenders are now sc...

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Boris is going our nation is vexed,

Please God let us know what's next.

You know the future and what it is going to be,

"I am the good shepherd and my sheep know Me."

Who is there to follow Boris and lead us out of this madness ?

"I am the light of this world,whoever follows Me will never walk in darkness ."

Boris persuaded millions of Labour voters to give him a chance,

...

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An enormous percentage of English dentists are closed to the N.H.S.

With a backlog of millions of appointments,patients are suffering stress.

Domestic dentistry is driving poverty stricken patients to desperation,

Adopting an extreme course of action due to N.H.S. deterioration.

Unable to sleep,eat and speak,patients to their tool boxes venture,

With pliers then painfully remov...

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In seven decades on the throne She has never once wavered,

Her unshakeable commitment we have enjoyed and savoured.

After the worst pandemic in Her Majesty's reign,

The hideous Russian aggression in Ukraine.

A party gate madness incited by our political bunch

 And the consequences of a cost of living crunch.

Under the flags,bunting and cheers we will all have a ball,

A tr...

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Atrocity after atrocity have rocked the U.S.

A teenager bullied for his stutter adds to the mess.

Salvador Ramos bought rifles to mark his 18th year,

Bent on manipulating an evil massacre and spreading fear.

On the morning of the massacre he shot his grandma in the head,

Jumped in her car leaving her for dead.

Ramos was a quiet teenager who didn't say much,

An outcast in ...

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Our government should have looked ahead,

Before numerous care-homes became hot spots for the dead.

To 20,000 vulnerable , elderly residents we said a sad goodbye,

Spending their final hours confused and alone to die.

N.H.S. hospitals were allowed to discharge untested patients of declining years,

Throwing the care-home residents to the wolves and festering covid fears.

The r...

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To see you at the Westminster service warmed my heart,

Admiring your determination to be there and take part.

A cup I was presented with at school  in 1953 ,

Which began your dedication,which was set to be.

Your leadership qualities we celebrate always in your song,

"God save the Queen,"thankfully having been there for so long.

You served us while suffering the effects of th...

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Ask mothers what is the most precious thing in their life,

I am sure they will say,first being a mother and then a wife.

Since the beginning of the war 16000 children in Ukraine will have been born,

Many under the concrete ceiling of a dark basement, feeling forlorn.

Thousands of young Russian men as soldiers are sent to fullfill,

The ambitions of an eratic leader to devastate ...

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"Until very recently I lived a very normal life,

But  February the  24th this year brought stress and strife.

I experienced devastation, death and explosions first-hand,

When an unpredictable leader bombarded my land.

Dark days for my Ukraine lie ahead,

Bombed cities,unrecognisable,many dead.

Most of us now live underground,

Shocked and desperate as the sirens sound.

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A Russian and an Englishman were having a talk,

The Englishman says,"Into a government office I can walk,

And say  Prime Minister Johnson is not achieving anything."

The Russian says,"I can go into the Kremlin and say exactly the same thing."

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Jake was an alcholic,addicted to a variety of ales,

Jane noticed he was holding in his tummy while stood on the scales.

"Holding in your tummy isn't going to help you get a lower reading ,"Jane did say.

Jake answered,"But that's the only way I'm going to see how much I weigh."

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Covid has not gone away,

New variants are on their way.

Those testing positive will no longer have to stay at home,

Free to spread the virus and allowed to roam.

The test and trace system  will be put to bed,

Banning it many of us will fearfully dread.

Covid tests in schools will come to an end,

Scary vibes round staff rooms this will send.

The health minister and...

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John had an obsession about staying clean,

From an early age this obsession had always been.

Putting clean socks on everyday was habitual for John,

But by the end of the week ,he couldn't get his shoes on.

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A man wrote,"Woman without her man is nothing."

His abused dame thought,"Female justice I must bring !"

The bullying abuser said,"These words must stay the same !!"

"Woman !Without her, man is nothing," okay said his dame .

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In January 2021 a gift from a kind daughter I did get,

Due to an intrusion in the upper  left boot extreme pain I did get.

The upper textile outsole walking boot was destined for the bin,

Decide to send it back to Berghause ,but no win  !!!

Managed to  find a doggy box which came with treats,

Sent boot to Berghause, a reply in my inbox soon greets.

It said they couldn'nt fin...

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It's madness for our politicians to ignore,

The increasing energy bills that pop through our door.

To read the gas bill, as I did this week, is not nice,

I felt as if I was gripped in a cost-of -living vice.

For us on modest and lower incomes,there is a financial fear,

With the average fuel bill rising to £2000 a year.

Big bills linning the pockets of dictators in Qator and ...

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Camilla,once the married woman who was having an affair with Her son,

Now blessed by Her Majesty and the future of our Monarchy has begun,

You can never forgive an adulterer many have said,

But like Her Majesty let's put this affair to bed.

Thanks to the wisdom of Her Majesty the Queen,

The future of the Monarchy can now be seen.

Charles has found happiness in the love of hi...

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