Make 2019 a smoke free year,

Postpone death and funeral fear.

Prevent the poison in the tar flowing in a flood,

Avoid the threat of clot formation due to thicker blood.

Chemicals in the blood make your heart beat faster,

Furring up your arteries creating a deathly  disaster.

The enemy in the smoke can attack your kidneys and  win,

Also reducing the amount of oygen reachin...

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Sylvia of Sabden was on her way out,

Her thick brown hair was being blown about.

A scary film she wanted to see,

To the cinema she went with her boyfriend Lee.

In the foyer by a mirror she brushed her thick brown hair,

But what happened next Sylvia of Sabden caused quite a big scare!

The brush in her pocket suddenly became alive,

The hairs,spider like,ran down her legs to...

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Sylvia from Sabden had thick brown hair,

Wherever she went the boys did stare.

It was beautifully cultured shiny and long,

She regularly combed it ,the threads were so strong.

One morning when  combing a shock was in hand,

She looked down at her brush and could not quite understand.

The hair on her brush started moving around,

Joined together and jumped on the ground.

...

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All women will know when a man's mask slips,

Intolerable words can be read on his lips.

Corbyn's attack on Theresa May ,

Is as clear as the light of day.

His face turned to the colour of gammon,

Boiling over with anger and venom.

To class Theresa as stupid is grossly unfair,

Jeremy's educational background doesn't compare.

She won a place in grammar school ,did well th...

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The wind out there is strong and cold,

Attacking the homeless both young and old.

Wrapped up in blankets dirty and damp,

The street is their bedroom,its lights their lamp.

Houses and flats are too expensive for one,

Sleeping in a Debenham's doorway is not much fun.

The homeless problem is a street blight,

Increasing in numbers every single night.

The homeless are ...

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Bob had been married to Beryl for 20 years,

But bad news on the phone Beryl hears.

"Your husband Bob has been involved in a fatal crash."

To the scene of the accident Beryl did dash.

It was a motorway pile up three others had died,

Distraught, Beryl holding Bob's cold hand cried.

It came to her mind the thought of the funeral ahead,

"I don't want to be cremated ,I want to...

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Worms are a free farm fertiliser protecting the land,

Creating a multitude of tunnels for the farmer first hand.

Worms do not have teeth but their mouths are muscular and strong,

One of nature's top soil scientists rarely doing wrong.

Biological pistons always there promoting earthly health,

Pumping air and water with incredible stealth.

Saints of the soil passing through th...

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I was sat outside a Manchester caf,

What happened next will make you laugh.

Sitting  there with my dog  next to me,

Having eaten a sandwich ,with a cup of tea.

A man rushed by wearing a posh blue suit,

Dropped 50p in my cup ,"Your dog looks cute."

A lady sat opposite next to her cup,

I dropped a pound in it,she was made up.

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Jane took her new boyfriend home ,his name was Jim.

He showed off vile tattoos and swore,her parents did not like him.

"Jane ,he is not your type,there are others out there to meet."

"But mum he must be okay,500 community service hours he did complete."

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Jack loved his drink,

More than his wife ,I think.

Constantly spending pounds,

At his local ,The Hare and Hounds.

Jack was a mountaineer and spent many weekends away,

Conquering many difficult climbs,come what may.

On Sunday to his local he went with his spouse.

'Twas the landlords birthday,"Today the drinks are on the house!"

Jack was first out and climbed up the...

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Jane was skating on a very large pond,

Showing off to a boy of whom she was really fond.

The ice in places was very thin,

Suddenly it broke and she fell right in.

The boy jumped in and saved her life,

She proposed to him and became his wife.

It all started off cold but ended up nice,

Jane definitely knew how to break the ice.

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Brenda had just lost her husband Scot,

A serious infection he had recently got.

A newspaper notice announcing his death was the next thing,

She gave the local newspaper a quick ring.

"What would you like to say ?"said the clerk at the end of the line.

"Scot has sadly passed away would be just fine."

"You can put  a few extra words in at no extra charge."

"Okay,Scot has sa...

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A marriage haiku

Two aerials got married

Reception was great

Wedding was borring

Funny meal haiku

Cannibals eat clown

One clown says to the other

"This tastes very funny."

Thoughts of a bankrupt haiku

Homeless guys shake cups

"They have more cash than I have,

Please don't rub it in!"

Wet her plants haiku

Mum loves gardening 

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Jim was a hardened criminal on his way to jail.

Had robbed many post offices belonging to the Royal Mail.

Jake was into tearing money machines out of banks,

Ruthlessly used agricultural machines built like tanks.

Both had been caught and were ready to be put away.

Jake got the shorter sentence for his affray.

Fate was to bring them together to share the same cell.

The cho...

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Sid  

There was a young man called Sid,

Who was amazed at everything he did.

One day he did die,

His family did cry.

At his funeral, lifted up the coffin lid.

Cher

There was a young girl called Cher,

Who went to the petrol station for air.

She filled up with joy,

Met up with a boy,

Who was amazed at her magnificent pair.

Cannibal event

The...

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Tom was a taxi driver on his way to pick up a nun,

He'd always wanted to kiss one thought it would be fun.

So he picked her up and looked her in the eye,

Asked her if she wouldn't mind giving it a try.

She asked him whether he was married or a  Catholic .

He said," No neither,"this did the trick.

He pulled over to the side and embraced her in a snog.

But suddenly he burst...

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Heinz was a pensioner and lived on his own,

Had three kids,but from the nest they had flown.

His wife died three years ago tragically in a crash.

Heinz lived on the bread line not much cash.

His cooking skills were few and far between,

Eating at a local caf he was frequently seen.

One cold dark evening he said to his host,

"I'll have two portions please of beans on toast....

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Wayne goes to the doctor's with numerous pains.

"Whatever I touch it hurts it never wane's ."

He pushes his chest with his finger and screams with pain.

Pushing his thigh and shoulder he screams again.

"I know what it is ,"said the doctor confidently.

"Is it fatal ?" asked Wayne worryingly.

"You've got a broken finger."

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When as a nation we are in a rush,

Down our loos many things we flush.

A problem we can all do something about,

Bin your wipes hear me shout !

Most of our wipes do not degrade,

When in our sewers never fade.

The plastic contents of these wipes,

Clog and block our sewer pipes.

Wipes are strong from the very start,

Cling together ,difficult to part.

A 3P ...

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Jill was on a diet and a stone had lost,

Needed a new dress asked what the material would cost.

Jill was slim and attractive,blue eyed and dark.

"Only one embrace per yard ,"smirked the young male clerk.

"That's alright  I'll take ten yards ,"said smiling Jill.

And got her 90 year old grandad to pay the bill.

Obesity

A large meal on a big plate,

Smiles at him temp...

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Silence is golden

A tribute to the brave men

Who saved our country

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The sound of silence,11o'clock,11/11/18 {added this morning}

Silence is golden

A tribute to the brave men

Who saved our country

A romantic return haiku

A romantic turn

One boomerang to the other

You'll be back

Eviction haiku

Left worries on steps

Before I got evicted

On street now homeless

A break up telly settlement haiku

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There once was a girl from Broadbottom ,

Who married a lad from Ramsbottom

Bill Bottom was his full name,

Mrs Bottom Brenda became.

B.Hind had become a B.Bottom.

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"Anya" marks get set go !

Who better to welcome and say hello.

The new meeter and greeter on Write Out Loud,

Compassionate and friendly of whom we are proud.

A  poetic marvel of Polish decent,

Who has flowered on this site most recent.

An example to new members she will always be,

Welcoming budding new poets  to our family tree.

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Jane was trying to sell her car,

She was having no luck so far.

It had done too many miles 250k!

Jane called round to see her friend Ray,

Ray was a mechanic and gave her some advice.

"Let me clock it for you and increase the price."

The speedo now to 50k was wound back.

"Don't tell my boss he'd give me the sack."

A month passed by  she met up with Ray,"Did you sell it?...

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You are never too old to become younger.

Learn day by day to satisfy your hunger.

The more things you love the more you enjoy,

Humour is a priority and can bring you great joy.

Dying is a very dull dreary affair,

Live on and enjoy life ,avoid being there.

Turn your life into a work of art,

Look forward and live on as a child in your heart.

Take plenty of exercise ...

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A period problem

"Mum,why am I not getting my period I'm nearly sixteen  ?

Jill got hers when she was just thirteen."

The teenager was sadly feeling  missed out.

"You getting a period Bill,will never come about "

A pupil problem

Tina was a teacher and suffered from stress,

A situation she was keen to redress.

Things became worst when she became cross- eyed,

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A volkswagen and a B.M.W. were driving really fast,

Both wanting to be first,definitely not last.

One overtakes the other down a big hill,

Driving too fast ready to kill.

A child at a crossing  hand in hand with her mum,

Wasn't aware what was about to come.

Fortunately a young girl called Amelia was there,

The young witch from Sabden avoided a scare.

She twitched ...

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An elderly poet was forgetting how to rhyme,

And  the names of people he had known a long time.

A man came towards him which he knew quite well,

But the name of this man didn't ring a bell.

He stretched out his hand to greet his friend,

And crashed into the mirror,that was the end.

Another memory loss,forgot to mention

The guy who invented the door-knocker got a plea...

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Amelia the young witch from Sabden was walking down the street alone,

Two dodgy looking lads had their eyes on her expensive mobile phone.

"Hand that over to us young lass !"

They were not to know what was about to pass.

Amelia twitched her nose two chickens did appear,

The lads were no longer there, nothing now to fear.

Two eggs were laid Amelia took them home,

And safel...

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Amelia lived in Sabden and was a witch,

In school she was unpopular and called a bitch.

This troubled her very much,

Her class mates were cruel and out of touch.

But belonging to a witch family was not so bad,

Her mum was a witch and so was her dad.

Her dad would drive to school safely  in the back seat,

Her mum while at work could make her house neat.

There was a...

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 Scary night haiku

A dark scary night

Don't answer the door tonight

Death could be knocking !

Trick or treat haiku

"Trick or treat ,"they cry

"Answer the door or you'll die!"

Ignored them,still here.

Elderly witch haiku

The witch was ninety

No grey hairs on shiny head

Was completely bald

Scary visitors haiku

Scary knock on d...

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Coffin haiku

The night was spooky

Graveyard was very noisy

'Cos of the coffin

A bloody good haiku

"Mum what's a vampire?"

"Drink your soup before it clots."

"It's bloody good mum."

 Witch haiku

Witch was not  happy

Her son's report was crappy

"Broom for improvement !"

New to haiku,any errors made call it a hughku.

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Baker got a shock

He stood on a current bun

It ran up his leg

A witch got a shock

She was swept of her broom and

Flew off the handle

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He rocked to his seat with a smile on his face,

As a grease-laden fish a chip plate he eagerly did face.

Obesity is the greatest threat to health world wide.

A hard hitting campaign against it we must decide.

Fruit juice is definitely a No ! No !

As into your body too much sugar will go.

Five table-spoonfulls of sugar in one large drink!

Before devouring it stop and think...

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A lioness wrigggled rather provocatively to have a drink.

A gorilla getting excited gave her a seductive wink.

The gorilla decided to have his wicked way,

The lioness was dumfounded didn't know what to say.

The gorilla ran off back to the zoo at Chester,

The lioness shocked took off after her molester.

The gorilla knew he was in trouble looked for a disguise,

Found a big ...

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My name is Lez and I became homeless,

I got into debt and my life became a mess.

I lost all my dignity and became ashamed of my state,

I started sleeping rough in the city ,a life I did hate.

I was particularly vulnerable ended up on the street,

Was criminalised and demonised no future to greet.

I felt invisible and ignored,badly damaged,

Herded to a cliff edge sadly rava...

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There once was an undertaker called Fred,

Who's business in the Summer was dead.

But when Winter came round,

More visits to the burial ground,

Moved his bank account out of the red.

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In meadows green it spends its day,

Then strolls to the barn to pay its way.

The rent is just a pail of milk.

Rewarding the farmer with pure silk.

In every farm the cow will graze,

Its calmness never ceases to amaze.

But despite the music of its moo,

Few will give the beast its due.

As cows calmly chew their grass,

From field to plate they soon  will pass.

T...

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Donald is inspiring a new young generation,

"Believe in yourself ,you could rule a nation."

Kids and parents knew that this was not going to be.

But things have changed ,this could be a strong possibility.

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A woman is lecturing at an university on the dangers of drink,

The students listen intently and it makes them think.

"Drinking water is good for you,keeps you healthy and alive."

She drops a worm into a glass of water,the worm did survive.

She picks it up and puts it in a glass of wine,

The class  wait anxiously and hope it will be fine.

After a while the worm in the wine appears...

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I was sat on a step outside a Manchester City store,

Sheltering from the rain and a heavy downpour.

Just been to Greggs and a coffee cup in hand,

The benches were too wet for my bottom to land.

"You can't sit there and eat ,you are in the way!"

A man showed me his badge and said I couldn't stay.

Think he thought I was a beggar collecting in my cup,

At first,until I confidently...

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A man looks in the mirror trying on a hat,

Says to his wife,"Look at me I'm getting old and fat,

Pay me a complement my love and make me feel better."

"Well your eyesight is great can't think of anything better."

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Jim and Jane had been married a long time,

They were happy together and got on fine.

But physical contact was on the wane,

No problem to Jim but it worried Jane.

Some new neighbours moved into the house next door.

When Jane saw their physical reactions it worried her even more.

Each morning at the door the man gave his wife a kiss,

Jane said to Jim ,"Why don't you do this...

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Two flies were hovering around looking for something to do.

They both decided to land on some recently excreted dog poo.

They were fortunate that the turnout had not been binned.

One of the flies made a noise and proceeded to pass wind.

"Your bad bottom behaviour ,"said the other,"definitely needs treating,

How dare you pass wind while I am still eating!"

Don't give the flie...

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A doctor was having an affair with his nurse,

News was to unfold which would affect his purse.

She told him she was soon to give birth.

Discretion was paramount ,more than his marriage was worth.

Not wanting his wife to know,

To Italy to give birth he made the nurse go.

"But how will I let you know when the baby is born?"

"Send me a postcard with" spaghetti" on it the followin...

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I wonder round my care home rooms,

Where death round every corner looms.

I wonder who is going to be next,

We sit and wait sad and vexed.

In the long voyage we call life,

I was once a mother and a wife,

My yesterdays walk with me ,mainly the best,

I frequently forget where I've put the rest.

My big toe frequently makes a hole in my sock,

Unsteady on my feet on ...

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They say that stress can be a killer,

But can be exciting like a thriller.

Life devoid of its highs and lows,

Boringly slips by and soon goes.

So live life to the full and sample the stress.

But learn how to confidently clear up the mess.

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Bill was a gambling man and just loved to win.

He was at a machine putting his money in.

"Oh my goodness I've won agen !

That's amazing I'm up to ten."

He placed his winnings on top of the machine.

 "I'm constantly winning I'm living a dream."

He jumped with joy as another can did fall,

He'd never won as much at all.

A lady shouted at him dressed in pink,

"Hurry up,you'v...

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A dozen teenagers were on a night out.

They were stood outside a night-club hanging about.

Entrance into the night-club said they were not allowed.

So they hung about noisily with the crowd.

They saw five students they already knew,

And invited them to join them in the queue.

Now they were a gang of seventeen stood at the door.

One of them shouted ,"We only need one more ...

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