I took the family out for a meal on Christmas day,

There were quite a few and I had to pay !

All five courses were first class,

All the leftovers I frugally did amass.

"Waiter please may I have a bag  to take the leftovers home for my pet ?"

"Ooo!"blurted out my daughter,"What sort are we going to get ?"

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A photographer had to take pictures of a forest fire,

His editor sent him to an airfield where a plane he could hire.

"It will be waiting for you and ready to take off."

Sure enough it was there ,the pilot nervously did cough.

The photographer  shouted ,"Quick lets get there !"

The pilot looked nervous but they were soon in the air.

The photographer took some wonde...

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Secure in being the main object of a parent's love,

No jostling for position to win and get above--

A sibbling who is the apple of his mother's eyes,

Who sleeps in the best bed and gets her attention when he cries.

Often it's the tiny moments in life that catch you by the throat,

As friends in school about their many sibblings loudly gloat.

An older sibbling would ...

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'Twas the night before Christmas and the moon was very bright.

Wong Ping and his girlfriend Soo Ling held each other tight.

Wong says to Soo "Lets play Weeweechu."

"No its to early for that,let me kiss you."

Wong begged her for Weeweechu but to no avail.

"But I love you and you are my perfect female !"

"I would rather hold your hand and look up at the moon."

"Oh plea...

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A young girl walked into her house with two chairs and a setee,

"Where on earth did you get those,be honest with me !!"

"Off an old man down at the park,he was moving to Spain."

The dad smacked her hard leaving the girl in pain.

"Why did you do that,it really hurt ?"

"Told you before not to take suites from a pervert !!"

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The unlucky vicar

Have you heard about the unlucky vicar?

Who drove down the motorway with too much liquor.

Shame on you sir,you should  set an example,

Nearly four times over the limit after giving a sample.

Thinking God was on your side you jumped in your car,

Thee who spent too much time at the bar.

The Almighty was to deliver a terrible blow.

As d...

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When Fred died,Dorris had a lot to do,

Fred's final wish was to be buried in blue.

When she went to the undertaker's he was dressed in black,

Had Fred been alive he would have given her some flack.

She explained the situation to the kind young man,

He said ,"Leave it with me I'll do the best I can."

She returned next day,"Oh what a good do!

Fred's final wish ha...

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Jim lived in a flat on the first floor,

He had to close the window it was going to pour.

He felt the rain as he held out his hand,

As he did this a glass eye into his fingers did land.

"Hello has anyone up there lost a glass eye?"

"Oh its mine !"A lady with relief did sigh.

"Please can you bring it up and give it to me ,

I'll make you a sandwich and a cup of te...

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Bobby was sat on a bench feeling very sad,

With holes in his shoes and very poorly clad.

It was three years since his dad had died

The family of five struggled,but the mum really really tried.

His mum worked at the hospital,her wage didn't go very far,

They lived on the breadline,walked everywhere,didn't have a car.

His three sisters had made their mum a gift each.

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"Where are you going in such a hurry?"

Says John to Jim whose face was full of worry.

"I'm going to the doctor,I don't like the look of my wife !"

"I'll join you can't stand mine either,she's trouble and strife !"

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Bill and Ben were walking down the street,

And into dog poo they nearly put their feet.

"Is it really dog poo ?"Bill sniffs the offending mound,

Ben prods it with his thumb,"Definitely from a hound !"

"I smelt it ,you felt it,

Thank goodness we didn't step in it !! "

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Cath and Sue are eating their packed lunches in a caf,

Enjoying their tasty meals and having a laugh.

An employee remarks as he passes pushing a mop,

"I'm sorry your not allowed to eat your own food here ! "So they swap.

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A roller coaster life which started in Camden Town,

A determination to suceed even when she was down.

Never to sit in a corner and give in,

An inspiring young girl displaying a feistiness to win.

Much negativity raining on her from dark clouds up above,

Your presence on our screens as a nation we love !

Sensitive and loving beautiful and strong,

Alienating the ...

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A prank so dreadful and mean,

Destroying a life so dedicated and keen.

A tornado whirling through her trusting brain,

A cruel hoax inflicting devastating pain.

Two children have lost their loving mum,

A nation in tears sad and numb.

A husband has lost a caring wife,

A dedicated nurse a precious life.

Poor soul just doing her job,

A prank that went...

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Mell was trying to get on the bus but her skirt was to tight,

So she reached behind her,unzipped her skirt to put things right.

No joy,so again she reached behind her and unzipped it a little more,

Still getting nowhere,it was now quite a chore.

Then a robust rugby player picked her up by the waist and gently placed her on the bus.

"How dare you touch my body !"She was angry...

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Mr.Tommy Ricket

Looked at his ticket

As the traffic warden said bye bye.

Along came an elephant,

Sat on the traffic warden,

And left him there to die.

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Proud banners are flying outside Peel Park school,

Where the kids are fantastic and the teachers are cool.

An Ofsted inspection was carried out in June this year,

Only two days notice the staff were in fear.

Ofsted inspectors are rigorous and demanding,

Fear not staff,the results were outstanding !

Your drive for improvement is systematic and robust,

Raising st...

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Jill was on a diet and a stone had lost,

Needed a new dress asked what the material would cost.

Jill was attractive blue eyed and dark,

"Only one kiss per yard ," smirked the young male clerk.

"Thats fine I'll take ten yards ." said smiling Jill,

And got her 90 year old grandad to pay the bill.

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"I despair,it is one thing or the other,

The government upset us and slowly do smother !!

In contrast Motability a fantastic scheme with angels at the end of the phone.

Kind and caring,cool and helpful,never leaving us alone."

One of the largest fleets in Europe is about to decrease,

As over 100,000 disabled customers will lose their power to lease.

The car manufac...

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No controlling women ! So the bible teaches,

The law of equality this now definitely breaches.

A knife-edged vote causing  a massive rift,

Just at a time when the church needed a lift.

The truth is without women bishops, the church will have lost its verve,

And no longer in a position for the people to serve.

Turmoil and sadness on this breaking news.

National embarr...

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Mother Superior spent a long time in the shower,

One of her nuns said,"There's a blind man to see you,he's been here for an hour."

"Well if he's a blind man  it doesn't really matter,

Send him up and we can have a natter."

She got out of the shower in her birthday suit,

The blind man shocked and embarassed went quite mute.

She spoke to him for ten minutes or more,

He...

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Brought up in a ghetto ,frequently no food on the table,

A hunger for fame and with a ball was so able.

He doesn't care a damn what people think,

Drive's Ferraris and referees to the brink.

Lives his entire life consumed by rage,

Earns £11 million a year after tax for a wage.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic,must learn to spell his name,

Single handedly destroyed England in ...

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She says,"He doesn't talk to me anymore,

No eye contact,he just looks at the floor.

Shackled to a man who has no feeling,

Who snores to sleep facing the ceiling !"

But love has no sell-by-date and is definately alive,

As into the 70's and 80's we now  survive.

The storms of the past we are ready to erase,

As an ageing population we enter a new phase.

...

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Mark and Mary were out driving in a very fast car,

They were both short-sighted,couldn't see very far.

They came to some lights and drove right through,

Mary turned to Mark ,her face quite  blue.

"You went through that light on red,we could have both died !"

"Oh my goodness Mary was I driving ?"Mark cried.

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It happened at 7.15 p.m.in the Wensley Fold area of Blackburn town,

On Thursday the 8th of November when three cowards dragged her down. 

An elderly lady on her way to pick up her prescription,

Robbed by three boys to fund their addiction.

The feisty pensioner put up a courageous fight,

And hung onto her handbag with all of her might.

Rosemary left with dozens of bruises...

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Arthur who was 88 wobbles into an ice-cream shop,

Struggles up the steps and at every step has to stop.

He's bent double has trouble with his knees,

Reaches the counter and says,"Banana split please?"

The lady at the counter asks,"Crushed nuts?"

Arthur says,"No arthiritis," turns and tuts.

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Residents of Kogelo,the Kenyan village sing and dance,

As one of their descendants gets a second chance.

The kenyan village where Barack's dad was born,

Were jubilant again as his victory did dawn.

Katy Perry at an Obama rally did sing,

The young female voters she definately brought in.

The nation admired Barack's wife Michelle,

And into the boxes the women's votes  ...

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Half term is over we nits are back,

Planning together how best to attack.

Ready to crawl from head to head,

On teachers,children and inspectors from  Ofsted.

We have six legs each with a claw at the end,

We feed on blood and round schools panic  send.

We love thick hair whether dirty or clean,

For attacking us with nit combs,we think humans are mean !

I was...

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I am a nit and I live in a teacher's head,

I go with her everywhere,I even sleep in her bed.

I'm a tiny insect just a couple of mills long,

Her scalp is so clean and I'm so proud to belong.

I lay my eggs in her hair sometimes making her scratch,

I once lived in her boyfriend's head but he was no match.

His hair was really thin and his brill cream didn't taste  nice,

...

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Jack and Jill were residents at a home for the elderly in Penzance,

They'd known each other for ages and both liked a dance.

One evening while they were doing the samba Jack blurted out,"Will you marry me Jill?"

Without any hesitation Jill gave a quick reply,"Of course I will !"

Jack skipped to his room feeling really happy,

But when he woke up in the morning he felt really ...

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They say that opposites attract,

I'm pretty undesirable, thats a fact.

I'm a couch potato and love my telly,

I can't see my feet for my beer belly.

I've a wart on my nose and a tattoo on my bust,

A sense of humour but I've lost my lust.

I go out with Gym for a rum,

Call at the greasy spoon to fill my tum.

I drink a gallon and a half a day,

I gamble a lot,what...

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Dawn and Marge were at the cinema ready to watch The Golden Compass,

In the foyer a farmer was causing quite a rumpus.

He'd bought two tickets one for him and one for his chicken Nance,

"No chicks allowed !"So secretly he shoved Nance down his pants.

Sneaked her in and sat next to Dawn and Marge.

The movie started and the chicken's head from the farmer's trousers did dischar...

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Read all about it.Read all about it,Shipman is dead,

Like deadly diamorphine through his victims ,the news quickly spread.

Tying a bed sheet to a bar in his prison cell,

Hanged himself,cheating his sentence,no more to tell.

Trusted by his patients mainly old and needy,

What made him do it?Was he "death" greedy?

A glutton for killing, enjoying the power,

Devouri...

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Connor was in prison for robbing a bank,

No money was found the police drew a blank.

Connor recieved a letter one day from his wife,

He was always there for her,although sentenced to life.

"I have been given some seeds and no-one to plant them,your in jail!"

"Don't plant them in the back garden,"knowing the guards read all the mail.

A few days later Connor got another le...

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A lioness wiggled rather provocatively to have a drink,

A gorilla getting excited gave her a seductive wink.

The gorilla decided to have his wicked way,

The lioness was dumfounded didn't know what to say.

The gorilla ran off back to the zoo at Chester,

The lioness shocked ran after her molester.

The gorilla knew he was in trouble looked for a disguise,

Found a ...

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The Iron Lady will never rust,

She served her country with a magnificent lust.

Watching the news her friends frequently catch her,

The first female prime minister  Baroness Margaret Thatcher.

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The teacher was testing the children and getting them involved,

"Mildred can you point out Australia on the map?Well done problem solved."

Fred was having his work marked,"Well done only 6 mistakes here.

Now then lets look at the second line my dear."

"Can you tell me who discovered Australia Fred?"

"Thats an easy question Miss,it was Mildred !"

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Dan was single lived at home with his dad,

He was shy,never been out with a girl,a bit sad.

His dad was a millionaire worth quite a bit,

Twenty million Dan would inherit ,lucky git !

Realising his dad wouldn't last forever,

He started pursuing a beautiful clever girl called Heather.

"I may look like an ordinary fella,

But in a few years time I'll be as rich as Rockaf...

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                             Atishoo!!! 

When you have a cold or flu and it settles on your chest,

Leading to a wheeze and cough,prednisolone is  best.

A prescription pill tried and tested,

Clears up my lungs so that I am not infected.

Recommended by a prominent medical professor,

Counteracts lung infection,flu's successor.

A miracle drug that works for me,

...

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A mean Scottish painter called Wayne,

Thinned down his paint purely for gain.

One day the church asked him to put in a bid,

The lower his price the more thinning he did.

So he put up the scaffolding and set up the planks,

Then prayed at the church and for the job gave his thanks.

While Wayne was up the scaffolding and the  job nearly completed,

And the paint full of ...

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Seven brothers were visiting their aunt who was in care,

The nurse entered the room she had sad news to bear.

"I am soo sorry there is not much hope for your aunt,

She is seriously in need of a brain transplant.

The good news is that the operation would be free,

But for the actual brain there is sadly a fee.

The cost of a man's brain is 5000 quid,

The female brain 50...

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A drunken tramp was on his way to Peel Park,

Looking for a bench to sleep on before it got dark.

He passed a bloke looking under the bonnet of his car,

His car wouldn't start,they had been drinking at the same bar.

"Whats wrong?" asked the tramp."Piston broke !"

"Me too mate! "said the tramp to the bloke.

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Mary,marrying Mike a really good looker,

Said,"I have a confession to make,I was once a hooker!"

Mike is shocked and replied,"You were a whore!

Thats ok what has been has been,tell me more."

"You were always enquiring about my bruises and body marks,

My name is Bryan and I  used to play for the Sharks."

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Fred and Sally were out for a celebration meal,

'Twas good value,a two for one deal.

An economical way to dine,

Especially as they had no wine.

Sally's meal sadly was the worst she had ever had in her life.

"The chicken was so tough,"she complained,"you can't even cut it with this knife !"

The waitress appologised,"I'm sorry it has created  so much strife,

Would you ...

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A shock for shoppers as food prices rise,

Reduce the vat,give us a surprise.

A washout Summer hits our pocket,

The cost of food is soon to rocket.

Farmers hit by the worst wheat  harvest for 32 years,

People are frightened,some in tears.

The cost of every day items are soon to soar,

Meat and bread maybe 25% more.

Christmas is coming the goose won't be fat,

Fi...

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The teacher was testing the children and getting them involved.

"Mildred,can you point out Australia on the map?Well done problem solved."

Fred had his work marked,"Well done only six mistakes here,

Now lets look at the second line my dear!"

"Can you remember who discovered Australia Fred?"

"Thats an easy question miss,it was Mildred !"

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Sam was in the kitchen mopping up the floor.

Suddenly he stopped,there was a knock on the door.

He opened the door thought it was his daughter Gail,

But there was no-one there except a sweet little snail.

"What do you want I was expecting my daughter !"

"Please sir may I have a glass of water ?"

"Certainly not !",Sam picked up the snail and pelted him away.

But the s...

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The children were playing happily in the yard during the morning break,

Until Sarah,her new doll into the playground did take.

Suddenly there was pandemonium,Sarah gave a loud cry,

Her teacher heard that and immediately asked why?

"A girl from class 7 has broken my doll miss,she's called Pat !"

"Thats really naughty,how did she do that ?"

"I hit her over the head with it...

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Fred Faithful was a very loyal man.

LORRAINE was his pretty girlfriend,he was her number one fan.

One day he went to work and found a new girl had started.

She was called CLEARLY ,drop dead gorgeous,newly parted.

Fred became besotted,it was obvious CLEARLY liked him too.

But he still loved LORRAINE and didn't know what to do.

Fortunately as fate had it ,LORRAINE ran away...

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Declan was a miser and worshiped all his cash,

Underneath his matress all his savings he would stash.

His wife was made to promise when he finally died,

She was to sneak up to his coffin and all the money she would hide.

Declan died tragically in an accident at the docks,

At the burial she sneaked up to the coffin and left the money in a box.

"True to my word,I love you ...

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