humorous verse (Remove filter)
Sleeping with Alexa
Sleeping with Alexa
Got a new girl in the metaverse
It’s impossible to hate her
Although her repartee is terse
And she’s harvesting my data
Her presence is immersive
She’s made my life complete
Her motives are subversive
She’s got no hands or feet
She’s a disembodied avatar
Who tells me all I need to know
From how to drive a driverless car
What to...
Sunday 25th February 2024 12:24 pm
Dave's Back
When all around is crumbling
And there’s nothing left to save
And the economy is tumbling
It’s time to call for Dave
He’s super and he’s Tory
His haircut is so smart
He would be great on Jackanory
He just looks and sounds the part
He once called a referendum
That left us lonely and bereft
Wrote a memoir, an addendum
To a career lacking heft
He sat...
Monday 13th November 2023 6:12 pm
What is the point of a Poinsettia?
They rarely stay red for long
Holly in a pot would be better
And makes a superior Christmas song
but every year they appear in their glory
Doomed to an early demise
Every year a familiar story
Gone faster than a plate of mince pies
They come from the central American plain
Where it’s hot and it’s dusty and dry
Where you hardly ever get caught in the rain
And snow does...
Thursday 22nd December 2022 5:34 pm
A Grave Mistake!
A Grave Mistake!
Alf and Elsie - such a pair. Inseparable, throughout.
A paragon of ‘love and care’ (no shadow of a doubt).
Down’t pit until retirement, Alf was ‘Yorkshire, born and bred’.
Which met his wife’s requirement (strong int th’arm and thick int th’ead!)
But, after sixty years of bliss, came by ‘that dreadful day’
when Alfie, with a tender kiss, sent Elsie ‘on ...
Friday 23rd July 2021 3:50 pm
A 'Brush' with Art !
A 'Brush' with Art !
I think I'll take up painting.
Could it really be that tough?
To swish a brush across the canvas
....spreading ‘oil-based stuff’.
Lots of people do it
and make money on the side.
But the trick to this is selling them
to folk (..... before you’ve died!)
Da Vinci and his ‘Masters’
could have flogged a few more ‘Greats’,
if ...
Monday 19th July 2021 6:36 pm
'Sign' of the Times (Reflections on 'Rude'!)
Apologies, in advance, for the rude words !
Folk who pee in public places (treating them as ‘loos’).
‘Concert-girls’, on partners’ shoulders, blocking others’ views.
Kids that kick your airplane seat whilst parents just ignore.
Gits who queue-jump at the bar -‘though you were there before.
Those who walk straight past you, without thanks .... or smiles.... or nods.
...Wednesday 6th January 2021 11:33 pm
“Old Heads on Young Shoulders”!
”You can’t put old heads on young shoulders!”, they say.
But I think that I may have ‘come-up’ with a way,
involving some sawing - and stitching - and glue
(and a bit of a ‘heads-up’, in just what to do!).
But, if I decided to give it a ‘bash’,
that would leave a spare head and a body (to stash)!
Which seems such a waste of a woman or man.
So, now I’ve develop...
Wednesday 6th January 2021 9:21 am
'Man-Sized' Issues !
So, now those ‘Man-Size’ tissues
are named ‘Extra-Large’ instead.
It’s another “sexist” issue
that is messing with me ‘ead!
It seems, the major problem
is all centred around ‘Man’.
Folk find this word offensive
but I’m ‘flummoxed’ if I can !
I’m fearing for the future
if this nonsense carries on.
‘Cos they’ll ban the ‘Man’ from everything
in fav...
Tuesday 5th January 2021 10:58 pm
A ‘Snitch’, in Time !
My mother’s mother, Granny Brown
was ‘muchly-loved’ (once) in our town.
The care she gave; her happy ways.
She cheered us, in her ‘ember days’.
She liked to knit, but not to sell.
Such quality, (oh, you could tell!).
Each item, thoroughly bespoke
- for gifting to specific folk.
“Gran, that’s great !” I’d often shout.
“You knit them, then you han...
Tuesday 5th January 2021 10:13 am
Is "Statue"?
I met this gorgeous woman for some ‘afternoon-delight’.
When we ventured back to her place (well and truly ‘outta-sight’!).
We scurried up the stairs and very soon were ‘in flagrante’.
My clothes were off as she approached, in just her bra and panties.
We intertwined, to ‘moan and grind’, intent on pure ‘amour’
But soon were interrupted by the thumping of a door.
My lov...
Sunday 3rd January 2021 9:33 am
'Rhyme Crime'!
When, first I began on the ‘poetry’ scene,
my brain wasn’t ready. Let’s say “a bit ‘green’”?
A “bull-at-a-gate” (if you know what I mean)
and ended up racing - a little too keen !
There’s a challenging issue in having Verse, rhyme.
Writing ‘couplets’ that match, yet make sense every time.
Which, sometimes presents a ‘huge mountain to climb’
(if you seek to avoid the ‘mund...
Saturday 2nd January 2021 9:12 pm
Size Matters!
Size Matters!
Jack and Jill were getting wed.
(Jack’s dad thought, Jill was nice).
“But, let me give you, Son,” he said
“some fatherly advice.
On the day, I wed yer mam
I nipped ‘er straight indoors.
And, being ‘t sort of bloke I am
I soon laid down the laws.
I boldly took mi trousers off
and told ‘er, ‘put ‘em on.’
She drowned within a sea of cloth
...Sunday 23rd February 2020 3:41 pm
A 'Valued' Friend!
A 'Valued' Friend!
Frank, tonight, is working late.
The doorbell rings; it’s Frankie’s mate.
“Liz, you need to know”, smiles Ken.
“Frank won’t be home ‘til half-past ten.
I said, I’d drop in, as I pass,
to tell you of his news, alas.”
“It’s nice of you to think of me.”
Beams Lizzy, “Would you like some tea?”
And so they share a brew and chat;
some thoug...
Saturday 22nd February 2020 1:17 pm
The Trouble With Nuts!
The Trouble With Nuts!
The trouble with nuts is, they’re very elusive.
But, don’t take my word as completely conclusive.
It’s just that, it seems, though, whenever they're freed
they scatter and hide - which is not what you need!
Consider the case of a doctor, I knew.
Took his car for a spin ( and to ‘pose’ in it, too).
A well-mannered man - but you wouldn’t think th...
Friday 21st February 2020 9:52 pm
'Double' Act!
'Double' Act !
In Nineteen Ninety Four,
a young man took the floor
for the television show, “Stars in Their Eyes”!
He was, ‘hips-to-feet’ in plaster
as he struggled out, to master
his new crutches, in a bid to win the prize.
The host (then), Matthew Kelly
introduced him on the ‘telly’,
saying “Simon, what a plucky guy you are.
I’ve been told, a year ago,
...
Tuesday 9th July 2019 11:10 am
Jesus Wants You!
Jesus Wants You!
He forced the door and entered, stepping over shards of glass,
to effortlessly melt into the chamber’s darkened mass.
And, as his torchlight searched for ‘victim-drawers’ to rifle through,
out of darkness, rasped a voice; “Jesus is watching you.”
He froze - was someone in the room inviting conversation?
Or maybe he was hearing things (or his ...
Sunday 26th May 2019 5:59 pm
A 'Fitting' Tale.
A 'Fitting' Tale.
Harry was a tailor, with the highest reputation.
Known for style and excellence (whatever, his creation).
His method was to double-check on every single measure,
so garments fitted perfectly, to give his clients pleasure.
This ‘modus-operandi’ will ensure the clothes fit, great
if you stick to it religiously and never deviate.
But, circumstance...
Monday 20th May 2019 5:49 pm
Chess Pains !
Chess Pains!
Yet another chess convention
called upon the monthly pension.
Crusty codgers, ‘ coffin - dodgers’.
Reek of mothballs (best not mention!)
Hotel filled with ancient blokes,
bragging of their master-strokes.
‘Castle-crashers’, ‘Bishop-bashers!’
Cracking ‘chess-related’ jokes!
The old ‘ Grand Master’ then appeared,
to boast and crow (whils...
Monday 20th May 2019 10:30 am
Forgot to Water
I
forgot
to water
my writing
so now many
words have
fallen
to
the
ground
OH
the
Shame
...
Saturday 6th January 2018 1:39 am
Duty Of Care - Extreme Combat
Dear all
Please take this refresher advice as a friendly reminder
Of our protocol for calling in sick
Which is
In the first instance call the shift supervisor
Inform them why you are unable to attend your shift
Be as clear as possible
The more information the better
We don't need to hear a blues lyric
Only the truth
This information will of course remain ...
Friday 12th August 2016 1:23 pm
I Am The World's First Selfie Poem
I am the world's first selfie poem,
Held aloft by the world's first selfie poem stick,
A look-at-me wordsmith pic,
Here I am fluttering beside Tower Bridge.
So here I pose on the left bank;
Here I'm by the Eiffel Tower,
Here I selfie seductively next to the shower.
Ignore the bidet -
Admire my framed parchment hanging above a plastic flower
pot.
Here I am analysed by a poet I barely ...
Monday 13th June 2016 4:54 am
You Should Have Been Here Yesterday (Copenhagen Unicorns And Stockholm Starfish)
You should have been here yesterday
Ten thousand flamingos danced all over the square
A bouquet of jasmine blooms filled the air
Golden geese spiralled a mid-air fanfare
Peace doves gently dropped ribbon boxes of chocolate eclairs
You should have been here yesterday
Billionaires gave away their mansions and wares
Rare paintings
and rare cars
with fre...
Friday 20th May 2016 2:13 pm
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