A ‘Snitch’, in Time ! 

 

My mother’s mother, Granny Brown

was ‘muchly-loved’ (once) in our town. 

The care she gave; her happy ways. 

She cheered us, in her ‘ember days’. 

 

She liked to knit, but not to sell.  

Such quality, (oh, you could tell!). 

Each item, thoroughly bespoke 

- for gifting to specific folk.  

 

“Gran, that’s great !” I’d often shout.  

“You knit them, then you hand ‘em out! 

You’ll surely qualify for heaven”. 

“Hush!”, she’d laugh. “I’m eighty seven!”

 

“Don’t be fooled,” she winked at me,  

“about my generosity. 

Folk pestered me to make them stuff 

until, one day I’d had enough!  

 

They started taking me for granted; 

asking me for things, they wanted.

‘You need help’, your Grandpa said, 

producing glasses from his shed. 

 

These,” smirked Granny (waving specs) 

“let me create some ‘cool-effects’. 

Making knitted-things, such fun

- I hide a ‘message’ in each one! 

 

The lenses alter colours, slightly  

- letting me weave words in, lightly. 

Try them on”, smiled Gran (so sweet!).

Then lead me out, into the street. 

 

 So, ‘glasses-perched’, we hit the ‘Square’ 

to witness woollens everywhere. 

For, (as it was a chilly day)  

my Grandma’s ‘gifts’ were on display.

 

I gazed around, ‘gob-smacked-ly’,  

as Granny’s specs revealed to me

the true extent of what she’d done 

- and her opinions of each one! 

 

‘Nana’ loved to play these pranks 

and smiled as strangers offered thanks. 

Showering her with ‘woollied’ praise.

(Yet, clue-less of her cunning ways!). 

 

 So, (with the gift of ‘heightened-senses’)

every item, through Nan’s lenses

yelled, ’emblazened’ from each hem,  

what Granny really thought of them.

 

First ‘to show’ was Mrs Smart, 

whose ‘beanie’ branded her, a “Tart!”

Then (in a boldly-woven thread), 

some old bloke's jumper glowed, “Dick-Head”! 

 

We passed a blanket on a line. 

A knitted, complex-patterned ‘sign’ 

that made the claim (I could not miss)

of, that its owner stunk of..... ‘something’ ! 

 

‘Reg’, who ran the corner shop 

sported “Plonker!” on his top 

and worse (although he stopped to thank ‘er) 

- Nan had ‘tagged’ the Mayor .... a ‘Waster’! 

 

This occurred some years ago 

and, now Gran’s gone, I miss her so. 

I feared her secret trick, ‘though clever, 

couldn’t stay that way forever. 

 

And, sure enough, ‘stuff’ hit the fan. 

Technology 'exposed' my Gran, 

when ‘Hollywood seduced the masses’ 

 - with the aid of ‘3D’ glasses! 

 

These break rainbow-colours down 

 (just like the ones from Grandpa Brown!)

so, when the ‘Ritz’ screened ‘Avatar’, 

the game was up, for ‘Grand-Mama’. 

 

Insults, bold were plainly seen 

(besides the ads, from ‘Pearl & Dean’),

as 3D-specs scanned ‘woolly-weft’ 

to cite the foul-mouthed ‘fest’, she’d left !

 

A fair, few “Pillocks” were aghast 

to learn ‘just what they were’ (at last!). 

Whilst “Busy-Bodies”, “Pricks” and “Prats”,

all stomped about - in Grandma’s hats!  

 

And (best of all) - she wasn’t there! 

They’d had no option, but to wear 

her 'base-invective', lewd and loud. 

(Gran, no doubt, chuckling, ‘from her cloud’!) 

 

It’s folklore now; but soon ‘played-down’ 

by townsfolk, who knew Granny Brown. 

‘Though time has passed, her name’s still ‘Mud’,

but they forget about her ‘good’.  

 

For Grandma’s joyfulness and cheer

is seldom found, these days, ’round here. 

‘Cos, (in our town) life’s ‘oh, so bland’.

- Now, patterned-knitwear’s strictly banned!     

funny poemsfunny poetryfunny versehumorous verseHumourlight verse

◄ 'Passing' Thoughts.

'Man-Sized' Issues ! ►

Comments

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John Andrew Nield

Tue 5th Jan 2021 22:23

Thanks, Brian. I loved the journey, writing it. So glad you enjoyed the reading experience.

<Deleted User> (18980)

Tue 5th Jan 2021 21:34

I hate long poems...but I love this one!

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John Andrew Nield

Tue 5th Jan 2021 17:51

You are welcome, Stephen. So glad you enjoyed it.

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Stephen Gospage

Tue 5th Jan 2021 16:46

A brilliant, funny poem. Thank you.

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