Poetry Blog by John Andrew Nield

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Size Matters!

Size Matters!

 

Jack and Jill were getting wed.

(Jack’s dad thought, Jill was nice).

“But, let me give you, Son,” he said

“some fatherly advice.

 

On the day, I wed yer mam

I nipped ‘er straight indoors.

And, being ‘t sort of bloke I am

I soon laid down the laws.

 

I boldly took mi trousers off

and told ‘er, ‘put ‘em on.’

She drowned within a sea of cloth

...

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funny poemsfunny versehumorous poetryhumorous versehumour

A 'Valued' Friend!

A 'Valued' Friend!

 

Frank, tonight, is working late.

The doorbell rings; it’s Frankie’s mate.

“Liz, you need to know”, smiles Ken.

“Frank won’t be home ‘til half-past ten.

 

I said, I’d drop in, as I pass,

to tell you of his news, alas.”

“It’s nice of you to think of me.”

Beams Lizzy, “Would you like some tea?”

 

And so they share a brew and chat;

some thoug...

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funny poemsfunny versehumorous poemsHumorous versehumour

The Trouble With Nuts!

The Trouble With Nuts!

 

The trouble with nuts is, they’re very elusive.

But, don’t take my word as completely conclusive.

It’s just that, it seems, though, whenever they're freed

they scatter and hide - which is not what you need!

 

Consider the case of a doctor, I knew.

Took his car for a spin ( and to ‘pose’ in it, too).

A well-mannered man - but you wouldn’t think th...

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funny poemsfunny versehumorous poetryhumorous versehumour

A 'Snitch' in Time!

A ‘Snitch’, in Time !

 

My mother’s mother, Granny Brown

was ‘muchly-loved’, (once) in our town.

The care she gave; her happy ways.

She cheered us in her ‘ember days’.

 

She liked to knit but not to sell.

Such quality. (oh, you could tell!)

Each item, thoroughly bespoke

- for giving to specific folk.

 

“Gran, that’s great !” i’d often shout.

“You knit them th...

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funny poemsfunny versehumorous poemsHumorous versehumour

Night 'Shifts' !

Night 'Shifts' !

 

It’s two a.m. (It maybe three).

But far from “Nighty-night!”, for me.

‘Ceiling-gaze’, through gravelled eyes.

I need to rest .... before sunrise.

 

Insomnia?  I’m ‘conscious’ proof.

I may as well re-slate the roof !

Or else, I’d simply rake the lawn

to keep me busy, until dawn.

 

“Pillow-punches”: ‘jumpy’ legs.

“Why can’t I sleep?”, the que...

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humorous poetryhumorous versehumour

Presenting the Present.

Presenting the Present.

 

The Present is a ‘present’: it’s a gift for you and me.

A chance to manage things ‘that are’ or fashion ‘what will be’.

The Present is now happening: it stays with us, throughout.

A ‘multi-choice’ of routes to take - each paved with trust and doubt.

 

For, when we ‘load our bullets (in the Present) to the gun’,

they’re locked, within the Past, wher...

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Rhyming verse

'Double' Act!

'Double' Act !

 

In Nineteen Ninety Four,

a young man took the floor

for the television show, “Stars in Their Eyes”!

He was, ‘hips-to-feet’ in plaster

as he struggled out, to master

his new crutches, in a bid to win the prize.

 

The host (then), Matthew Kelly

introduced him on the ‘telly’,

saying “Simon, what a plucky guy you are.

I’ve been told, a year ago,

...

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Dark humourhumorous poetryhumorous versehumour

Old Heads on Young Shoulders!

“Old Heads on Young Shoulders”! 

 

You can’t put old heads on young shoulders!”, they say. 

But I think that I may have come-up with a way, 

involving some sawing - and stitching - and glue

(and a bit of an ‘inclin’, of just what to do!).

 

Yet, if I decided to ‘give it a bash’,

that would leave a ‘spare’ head and a body (to ‘stash’)!

Which seems such a waste of a woman ...

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dark humourhumorous poetryhumorous versehumour

Jesus Wants You!

 

Jesus Wants You! 

 

He forced the door and entered, stepping over shards of glass, 

to effortlessly melt into the chamber’s darkened mass. 

And, as his torchlight searched for ‘victim-drawers’ to rifle through, 

out of darkness, rasped a voice; “Jesus is watching you.” 

 

He froze - was someone in the room inviting conversation? 

Or maybe he was hearing things (or his ...

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Humorous PoetryHumorous VerseHumour

'Man-Size' Issues !

 

‘Man-Size’ Issues !

 

So, now those ‘Man-Size’ tissues

are named ‘Extra-Large’ instead.

It’s another “sexist” issue

that is messing with me ‘ead!

 

It seems, the major problem

is all centred around ‘Man’.

Folk find this word offensive

but I’m ‘flummoxed’ if I can !

 

I’m fearing for the future

if this nonsense carries on.

‘Cos they’ll ban the ‘Man’ fr...

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A 'Fitting' Tale.

 

A 'Fitting' Tale.

 

Harry was a tailor, with the highest reputation.

Known for style and excellence (whatever, his creation).

His method was to double-check on every single measure,

so garments fitted perfectly, to give his clients pleasure.

 

This ‘modus-operandi’ will ensure the clothes fit, great

if you stick to it religiously and never deviate.

But, circumstance...

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humorous verse

Chess Pains !

 

Chess Pains!

 

Yet another chess convention

called upon the monthly pension.

Crusty codgers, ‘ coffin - dodgers’.

Reek of mothballs (best not mention!)

 

Hotel filled with ancient blokes,

bragging of their master-strokes.

‘Castle-crashers’, ‘Bishop-bashers!’

Cracking ‘chess-related’ jokes!

 

The old ‘ Grand Master’ then appeared,

to boast and crow (whils...

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humorous versehumour

Surprise Party!

 

 

Surprise Party!

 

He'd had enough! The pace, too fast.

Found courage to resign (at last).

Escaping from the 'Hell' of Shares and Stocks.

So, Hedge-Fund Dividends in hand,

Simon bought a croft, with land,

nestling between two Scottish lochs.

 

He cherished his ‘now-simple’ life.

No stress (nor ‘higher-maintenance’ wife!)

and not another soul for miles arou...

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Down, the 'Chippy'.

 Down, the ‘Chippy’.

 

When I was a lad (and everything was ‘black and white’), 

the highlight of my week was at the ‘chippy’, Friday night.

The smell of it was wonderful and made my spirits rise;

anticipating fish and chips (or sometimes I’d ‘go, pies’!)

 

The sizzle of the fryers - which spat louder with each fish.

“Could yer give us two steak puddin’s please? Mi Mam ‘as ...

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A Fond Farewell !

A Fond Farewell ! 

 

For thirty, long years he’d delivered the post.

The community all knew Ben well. 

His retiring had come as a ‘shocker’ to most.

-  He’d be sorely missed. (You could tell!) 

 

And so, on the day of his very last shift, 

(where, really to no-one’s surprise) 

each household met Ben with a suitable gift.

Wrapped in ‘hugs’ and some ‘dewing-up’ eyes! 

...

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'Caravan Man'

 ‘Caravan Man’

 

Caravan, oh, caravan!

You court a certain breed of man.

Who “canvassed” (once), ‘The Great Outdoors’

but now he favours plywood floors!

 

The lure of towing, out of town.

Of ‘pitching up’ and winding down.

Al-fresco lunches, cups of tea.

Of ‘Vanners’ camararderie.

 

Reversing in, (if ‘things get tense’)

so often gains an audience.

Circled ...

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'Hairstray'!

‘Hairstray’!

 

It’s tough, being ‘follicly-challenged’.

(I suppose, it’s because of my age.)

Now, my hair-line is shrinking it’s started me, thinking,

“I’m finally reaching ‘that stage’!”

 

I’ve guessed what the ‘blighters’ are up to

(when they slowly ‘abandon’ my head).

At a loss, what to do,

they’ve sought ‘pastures a-new’

and took over my nostrils instead !

 

...

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Great Expectations!

 

Gertrude and her boyfriend, Pete,

at last had set a date.

They booked the church and hotel suite 

in which to celebrate. 

The hen night went with such a swing

 (the ‘stripper-man’ was hot!) 

The girls teased ‘Gert’ on everything 

and laughed about ‘What’s what’!

“Just wait until your wedding night!” 

Collectively, they gushed.

“You’ll get ‘what’s what’ ...

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Majority Matters!

 

Teresa May has, big-style, cockeD UP!

She thought it wise for an election to be calleD UP.

She now needs her party to be shoreD UP.

Oh dear, where will the Tories enD UP ?

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Keeping 'Mum' !

 

In a small village, quite close to the sea

resided a loving (and close) family.

A mother, a father and much-treasured son - 

not yet ‘flown the nest’; it was time to move on.

 

The son started courting a lass known as Moll.

His father agreed “She’s a bit of a doll!”

And soon (as he’d got to that point in his life) 

the son rather fancied young Moll, as his wife.  

 

...

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'Righty-tighty, Lefty-loosey'!

Thanks, Colin Hill, for prompting this one in me!

I'm not that politically driven but it just jumped out at me, given the forthcoming election.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'Righty-tighty,  Lefty-loosey'
- mnemonic for screwing up nuts, bolts and screws, you see?
Also applied to political policy.
Here, let me try t...

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Cock's Away!

 

Back in the nineties, Lorena and John
were making the news with a ‘right carry-on’!
John’s marriage commitments, he just couldn’t keep.
So she chopped off his ‘chopper’ whilst he was asleep!


Lorena then (finally) came to her senses.
So shocked with her handiwork’s dire consequences!
Her ‘unkindest cut’ must have broken the law,
so she picked up his ‘winkie’ and ran for the door.

...

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United Airlines Double-Booking Policy!


Shame, ‘United Airlines'
You used to shout "Brace! Brace!”
and serve me with a nice hot towel
before you punched my face !

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'Pet Project'!

 

The ‘Don’ Corleone liked weasels - a lot!
But that's something, Sicily just hasn't got.
So he travelled to see Dr Frankenstein, where
he demanded, he make him one up - then and there!

 

The (nervous) Doc said “’Though I don’t think, I ought-ter. 
I’ll build you a weasel that swims in the water”.
Then, set about stitching up flesh, fur and bone
‘til a thing (that resembled a weasel...

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The 'Greater Cause'!

 

“Give Peace a chance!” John Lennon, pleaded - not that any Nations heeded.
Fearful of a ‘mass destruction’; nuclear-bombs and ‘arms-reduction’.
Despots (’power-mad’), dictating, murdering and postulating
Super-powers show some heart, whenever ‘profit’ plays a part.

 

When I was just a little lad my life, at home was fairly sad.
The air was fraught with sibling-slaps; the squabbling ...

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