'Double' Act !
In Nineteen Ninety Four,
a young man took the floor
for the television show, “Stars in Their Eyes”!
He was, ‘hips-to-feet’ in plaster
as he struggled out, to master
his new crutches, in a bid to win the prize.
The host (then), Matthew Kelly
introduced him on the ‘telly’,
saying “Simon, what a plucky guy you are.
I’ve been told, a year ago,
you were driving in the snow
with your Uncle - but, alas you crashed your car.”
Simon nodded, “That is so.
I was injured: head to toe.
Yet survived, although my Uncle, sadly died.
Surgeons kept me from the grave
and my legs, they tried to save,
but they failed in this, no matter how they tried.”
Matthew gasped aloud, “Oh, wow!
But I see you have legs now.
Are they artificial ones, to get about?”
“Oh, no!”, Simon replied
“You see, although my uncle died
his legs remained in ‘perfect nick’ throughout.
Science has ‘technology’
to graft his bottom-half to me,
where his legs would then ‘go on’ to let me walk.
So the the twelve-hour operation
(hailed a ‘surgical sensation’ )
was successful ‘cos I’m stood here, as I talk.
I’ll be the best that I could be
when I’ll walk, un-aided (as I used to do).
But Uncle stood, just ‘five- foot-four’
so I’m now shorter than before
and, where I once took one step, I'm needing two!
And he also ‘liked a drink’
(a bit too much of one, I think!)
so I’m banned from ever having one of those.
For booze would have a bad effect
and cause my waist-down to ‘reject’.
(There’s many ways of getting ‘leg-less’, I suppose!)”
The audience applauded
and his courage, Matthew lauded.
Then asked Simon, “So, tonight, who will you be?”
“Simon and Half-Uncle!” was his reply.
“And the song, you’re going to try?”
“I’m an Abridged, Sober, Troubled Walker!”, said he!
John Andrew Nield ('Chestnuts Reroasted'!)