Ten seconds to go before I ring in the new year,

I balance on my left leg and let it appear.

On the last second of the countdown when the clock does strike,

To lay down my right foot is what I do like.

The trauma of 2020 behind my left foot I put,

And always start the new year off on the right foot.

A happy new year to all and sundry,

Let's hope 2021 will not be as thunde...

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I felt lonely even in a house of six,

I was thrown into a blender ,unable to mix.

No-one was close to me, I was shy.

Depressed,traumatised,reaching puberty,ready to die !

I was drawn into a point of desperation,

From my family ,a desire grew for separation.

Angry and sad from my family I took flight,

And slept on the church steps for many a night

It's hard being a...

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"Old age can be a platter of pleasure,

Eat it wisely and love your leisure.

Time moves really fast,

The years soon become the past.

Be conscious of every single  day,

Don't let it sadly fly away.

The luxuries in my life have fortunately come about,

The necessities therefore I can do without.

Old age can be a platter of pleasure,

Eat it wisely,love your leisure.

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Poozart was a composer of great brilliance,

When faced with problems showed remarkable resilience.

Each of his compositions shone with improvement,

But unfortunately he had problems with his last movement.

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A Christmas present from one of my mates,

A box of extra special,rich sweet dates.

I hastily eat every single one,

To the loo I  urgently did run.

A cure for constipation I did get,

But still on the loo not off yet.

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A fly had flown a long way,

Lands and looks for a place to stay.

Proceeds into a field and sits next to me ,

And politely asks,"Is this stool free ?"

The stool had just been excreted by my pup.

 Put to good use,I didn't have to pick it up.

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Members of the public were on a high,

As they passed a strong smell of cannabis nearby.

They rang the police and instigated a raid,

Many plants close to harvesting were found  !An arrest was made.

A sophisticated set-up through the whole house was spread,

Upstairs three rooms full of plants,no bed.

The kitchen was the area where the perpertrator resided,

The electricity h...

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A pair of Brussel sprouts were on a night out,

One stepped off a kerb, got injured by a car going flat out.

At A&E the doctor had good news and bad,

"The good news I have for you,

He is going to pull through,

The bad news,he is going to go under the knife.

And will end up being a vegetable for the rest of his life !"

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Santa before Christmas developed a desire for mating,

As home alone went on a site for speed dating.

 On his first date luckily he pulled a cracker,

Won her over  as on her lips,he  planted a smacker.

Mary Christmas at ftrst gave him the cold shoulder,

But things flourished as they got older.

Together they raised money for many a good cause,

Loud claps they received at ga...

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Merry Christmas and a happy new year,

To all that read this,no matter what teer.

Due to this pandemic we are devoid of fun,

Hopefully we'll return to normality in 2021.

Poems are permanent keep putting pen to rhyme,

Focus on the positive and have a good time.

Writing a poem is no route to wealth,

But definitely will improve our mental health.

Remember we are poets...

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HSBC-----Have Such Bother Communicating,

Long waits for an answer,infuriating !

No business advice or branch aid,

Business advisers,at home covid afraid.

,

Business enquiries are shuved under the mat,

I'm sure we deserve better than that.

We are put to wait in a long queue,

A call back is way overdue.

I have been with HSBC when they were Midland Bank,

Many years ...

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Shirley going to church sees a beautiful dress in a shop  on her way,

"Hi please can I try on the dress in your shop window ?"to an  employee she did say.

"Of course ,"said the employee,"But you'd be better off using the changing rooms at the back."

For uttering an inappropriate remark ,the employee was given the sack.

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At the moment I am in the dark my mind is numb,

Hopefully we'll all be vaccinated in 2021.

I am confident  this will come true,

But no more Christmas for me and you.

As the virus changes it's method of attack,

We must  strengthen our defences in our fight back.

If you've packed your bags to go away,

Unpack them now and at home do stay.

A new variant of the virus i...

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Dad says to Fred,"You've been adopted!"

"I had a feeling that was the case!"Fred errupted,

No Fred,"We are your biological mum and dad,

Your new parents will be here soon,your driving us mad !"

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There once was an Irishman from Clough,

Who left the  supermarket in a huff.

His mission did fail,no toilet paper for sale.

"Butt", a  newspaper he did find,to wipe his behind.Times are rough !

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Amelia went into foster care early as a child,

But unfortunately flowered into something really wild.

Entering her teens she broke rule after rule.

Rebelling,truanting,disengaging from her school.

She wouldn't show up at school was frequently late,

Meetings with Amelia's head teacher her foster mum did hate.

She never cleaned her room or did her washing

Stressed everyone ...

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Two monkeys were sat up a tree,

They looked a little bored to me.

The jungle was full of Christmas joy,

The two monkeys were really coy.

They were the laughing stock of the jungle,

Decorating a Christmas tree they did bungle.

Everything they did seem to go wrong,

But one day they burst into song.

"Jungle bells,jungle bells,jungle all the way."

Santa as a reward...

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"I can't wait to see my pet,

Driving home for Christmas, not there yet.

Driving in my car wearing my Christmas pullover,

Driving home for Christmas in my dad's old rover.

Driving home for Christmas makes me feel good and happy,

Forgetting the pandemic and the year that was crappy !

Driving home for Christmas shedding all my fears,

Let's hope next year is a good one withou...

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The 5 day break is a big mistake,

Many,many hearts will definitely break.

N.H.S staff are stressed,their moral is low,

Into a lockdown before Christmas we must go.

In the days to come there is fear,

Do we want to lose our old and dear ?

A storm of infection is lurking out there,

If we gather for Christmas ,producing a  scare.

The danger to doctors and nurses leave...

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A soldier ran up to a nun in need,

"Please may I hide under your skirt?"The nun agreed.

Two military police ran by looking for the man,

Down to the town centre they swiftly ran.

The soldier crawled out and said,"I don't want to go to Iraq ."

And commented,"You have a great pair of legs,"as he did embark.

The nun watched the soldier as he ran down the hill,

"I don't want t...

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Josh was driving home from work down the motorway,

His wife rang she had something urgent to say.

"Be careful my dear on your way home,

A lunatic on the wrong side of the motorway does roam !"

"A similar thing is happening to me,

One car after another is driving towards  me !"

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It was a dark dismal night,

Suddenly walking home  I had a fright.

I took a short-cut through a graveyard alone,

Trembling with fear I came across an old guy sanding a gravestone.

"Oh my goodness ,you gave me such a fright,

What are you doing working this time of night ?"

The old man says,"I was buried yesterday,the undertaker's to blame,

The stupid idiot had misspelt my ...

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God was constantantly busy creating the earth,

The sky, the clouds,the hills and humans giving birth.

He took great pride in creating trees and flowers,

Time was a blessing,a year,a month and 24 hours.

Half would be dark and half would be light,

He tackled His creations with all His might.

Satisfied with His creations ,with His angels He did pray,

And said,"Now we must re...

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The police are our army on the front line,

Protecting us from danger all of the time.

At the start of their shift not knowing what lies ahead,

Turning up to an affray,maybe witnessing someone dead.

Tasked with addressing every social problem out there,

Mental illness,homlessness,youth violence,a bomb scare !

The events of August the 15th last year caused national outrage,

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Molly had  led a very sheltered life,her dad was a vicar.

Lou was one of ten, a family who loved their liquor.

Molly against sound advice moved in with her friend Lou,

But Lou started using 4 letter words she was not used to.

"They're 4 letter words mum ,I have not heard before,

Please,please come and get me,I can't take anymore !"

Please,please mum !Pick me up you must!

...

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I was told a vaccine joke by my friend Kit,

I didn't laugh 'cos I didn't get it.

When young my twin was vaccine free,

Countless vaccines were injected into me.

I've had many illnesses he had none,

Being constantly injected was not much fun.

"I never knew you had a twin,"said a friend.

"Yeh I did,but sadly his life ,early on ,came to an end."

AVOID DANGER GET ...

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I was having a meal at a posh place to eat,

The waiter delivered the meal with his hands on the meat.

I said,"That's disgusting,I don't want that meal anymore !"

"But sir,it was the only way I could be sure it didn't  fall again on the floor!"

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Bethan and Bing were driving through Wales on their way to Abersoch.

They stopped for lunch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyndrobwylliantysiliogogogoch.

Bethan asked the waitress,"Can you pronounce very slowly where we are to my friend Bing?"

"Off course I can,"replied the waitress,"You are at Burrr......Gurrr......King."

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Claire calls the fire-brigade,her need was dire.

"Help me,help me my house is on fire!"

The fireman replied,"Ok how do we get there?"

"In the red truck with the blue light !"she cried in despair.

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Jane took her husband to the hospital  with a damaged wrist,

The nurse bandaged it and gave him an instruction list.

She reassured him," adhere to that  list and you won't do anything wrong,

And I can confidently say,you won't be with us for long."

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Harry has been dating a homeless lady,

With a posh name  ,Janice O'Brady.

It's getting serious ,I think they might marry,

She asked him,"Please will you move out with me Harry?"

Harry moved out with her and lived in the park.

No electricity bills,she became his light and kept him warm in the dark.

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Mean Matt walked past a homeless guy with a sign which said,

"One day this could be you !"

Mean  Matt kept his money in his pocket,

Just in case it came true.

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Jake fell off his bike and injured his ear,

A serious hearing loss Jake did fear.

On seeing his doctor an operation was scheduled for the end of December,

It was a complicated procedure a day Jake will always remember.

The operation was a success,Jake took the doctor out for a beer.

The doctor  wished Jake,"A merry Christmas and a happy new EAR.!"

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Bing arrived at Maternity with his wife Jane ,

Her last delivery was fearful ,a pain.

The doctor said to Bing,

"Relief to your wife I can bring."

"We have a machine ,as you are the dad, will transfer the pain to you."

"Great I will do anything to  help my wife get through."

20 percent of the pain at first was transferred to Bing,

"That was great ,I didn't feel a thing !"

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An elderly couple in church sat in the front row,

The husband turns to the wife and says,"To the loo I must go,

I've just let off a long silent smell."

Wife says,"Replace the battery in your hearing aid as well !"

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Bob had been married to Beryl for 20 years

But bad news on the phone Beryl hears.

"Your husband Bob has been involved in a fatal crash,"

To the scene of the accident Beryl did dash.

It was a motorway pile up three others had died,

Distraught ,Beryl holding Bob's cold hand cried.

It came to her mind the thought  of the funeral ahead,

"I don't want to be cremated ,I want to...

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Jim walks past an asylum one day,

Hears lots of shouting,maybe an inmate affray.

"Nine, nine, nine ! ," the inmates did shout,

Jim peered through a gap to see what it was about.

A hose pipe suddenly appears,

Wet through ,more shouting Jim hears.

"Ten,ten,ten,"Jim was wet through,

"Ten,ten,ten, we were counting on you!"

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A cannibal came home and was ready to eat,

His wife was in the kitchen chopping up the meat.

"I'm getting excited what are you going to make ?"

She was chopping up a small man and a snake.

"I'm sorry the small man had to die,

But I do love snake and pigmy pie."

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Jane and Tom,an elderly couple were sat on a bus,

In front of them a young couple causing  quite a fuss.

All over each other and constantly kissing,

Jane says to Tom ,"That's what your missing !"

Tom stares at the young girl and says,"She's very pretty,

She's too young,I don't think she'll let me."

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"There's a burglar in the house !"Jane screams to Jake.

"He's just eaten half of my newly cooked cake!"

"Oh my goodness ,"Jake shouts,"I'd better ring 999 !"

"The ambulance will be with you soon,"said the medic on the line.

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Tim a bachelor with lots of money,

Planned a holiday to somwhere sunny.

He met a gorgeous girl who was only thirty,

Well dressed,well spoken and terribly flirty.

He brought her home to live in his house,

His friends were mesmerized by his new "spouse".

Newly retired at the age of sixty-five,

They all hoped his relationship would survive.

They asked,"How did you at...

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Sid went to an auction wasn't sure what to buy,

But a rather fine looking parrot caught his eye.

The bidding was fierce it made quite a lot,

But finally the winning bid Sid got.

Exhausted to the payment desk Sid did walk,

On the way asked the auctioneer if the parrot could talk.

"Yes ,"said the auctioneer,"he is one of a few,

He was the one bidding against you."

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I passed a sign outside a caff,

A sign that made me really laugh.

Monday .Fried chicken.

Tuesday.Pork chops.

Wednesday .Roast  lamb.

Thursday.Roast beef.

Friday,Senior citizens.

Are senior citizens any good to eat ?

Too much bone and not much meat.

I hope it won't be my fate,

To end up on a Cannibal caff plate.

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Three lads were out on the town,

The drinks they kept putting down.

One passes out and hits the ground,

One goes to the bar to buy the next round.

"What's he having there, lying  on the floor?"

"Oh he's drivng,can't have anymore."

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Jim leaving the pub a bit worst for drink,

Next step the cinema ,he did  think.

He buy's a ticket and staggers inside,

Soon  to buy another he did decide.

Two minutes later he's back buying a third,

The ticket office girl thought this was absurd .

Jim says,"Everytime I go in a bloke tears my ticket in half !"

The girl in the ticket office had a good laugh.

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Bill was speeding in a truck with a bunch of ducks in the back,

A policeman pulls him up and  gives him loads of flack.

"I just don't  know what to do with these ducks anymore !"

To the zoo down the road the cop advised him to go.

Next day Bill drives down the road and the policeman passes,

This time all the ducks are in the back wearing designer sun glasses.

"It is obvious the z...

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Jane asked John if he wanted his palm read,

"Yes please,"John happily said.

A pot of red paint she did dispand,

And tipped  it all over his hand.

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"Get up you lazy boy,

Staying at home should not be your ploy !" 

"But mum I don't want to be there anymore,

The kids are bullies,the teachers terrible,work's a chore."

"Eat your breakfast and go in you fool,

Your 50 years old and head of the school !"

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Jane was racing down the motorway in her new car,

Foot on the accelerator,over the speed limit by far.

Jane purchased the car because her abusive husband had left,

In prison serving a long sentence for theft.

Suddenly a blue light appeared from behind,

It was on the cards for her to be banned and fined.

The cop looked tired and said,"It's Friday the 13th ,I've had a bad day,

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"Are bugs good to eat?"

John asks his dad Pete.

"That's a disgusting question to  ask ,get real !"

They both carried on enjoying their meal.

Later,"Now why did you ask me that question  John?"

"There was a bug in your meal,but now it's gone."

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