An Ode to Online Dating

I'm going to give this context by starting off reading my old match and pof profile. This is genuinely real. 


It's always hard to know what to say on these things so I'm just going to fill my profile with exaggeration and nonsense.

I would describe myself as a cross between Brad Pitts character in fight club and a sensitive fireman who likes kittens. Overall I'm pretty awesome. Kind, intelligent, hilariously funny, better in bed than a mug of cocoa. I'm a bit of a geek really. As a kid I just used to love drawing and watching cartoons. I have a ten year old golem figure which is still in its box. It's ok though. It's multiposable. I grew up on a farm. If you go back far enough there are signs of inbreeding. Which is cool because I've got extra fingers to tease you with.

I had two lizards when I was little. Their names were e's and whizz after the pulp song e's and whizz which was apparently about drugs. Lizards aren't like drugs. They're just different. You can't take a lizard to get high. You could possibly try it with the right kind of frog but licking a lizard just makes you look weird. Plus if you tried to swallow one I suspect it would get stuck in your throat. The lizard wouldn't like that. Plus you'd probably get done for animal cruelty but it's ok because you'd have the excuse that you were just smacked off your t**s on Lizard. Anyway, these lizards kind of melted. This was real, not because I was on drugs. I didn't really know about drugs back then. I hadn't licked a lizard. Lizards aren't like drugs anyway, but we've already covered that, it's a bad analogy. Anyway, it was kind of sad watching them, I think I over heated the tank or something. But they had a happy life before that, I looked after them.

I think it's kind of an analogy for life though. You can spend your life worrying about your lizard. Buying it all the right food and keeping the temperature just right. But then you never really enjoy your lizard because you're too busy thinking about its food and it's heat. So, the alternative is that you just get on with things. Enjoy your lizards, crank up the heat and see what happens. I think life is better like that. Not for lizards though. Mine melted. You've got to keep their temperature right. It was a bad analogy.  


Yes, I'm still single... But on to the poem


An ode to online dating - AKA online dating is a lizard in a tank


When you go online, you're  a lizard in a tank

On your own in empty online spaces

Your pea sized brain has drawn a blank

From all the empty, passing faces

As this one passes she gives a grin

She taps your buttons, turns up your heat

Your eyes rotate, step foot to foot

You hope that she'll dip her hand in

Frill your neck and show you want to meet

But she swipes to the rabbit coz he's got a cute butt.


Some "customers" just go to look 

Some are scared that lizards bite

Some of them, their nerves are shook

By a previous lizard fight

Some wonder whether they should buy

But think they might get something better

Some buy, then put you on the shelf

Some people think you're worth a try

But switch for something to make them wetter

Makes me reflect upon myself


People are creatures led my habit

Distracted by your Lizard brain

Looking for someone to share your maggot

To change your colours, You try in vain


My frustration is 2 things

1. People expect everyone to be the same

2. You get dragged into meeting an expected role


Muscles, protection, hair, humour, genuine, confidence, normal, drive, good job, nice clothes, nice house, nice car, nice things


Beauty, slim, eyes, breasts, legs, arse, no baggage, easy going, don't argue, work hard, play hard, independence, no shame


What if everyone doesn't have to be the same and going for what you always go for gets you what you always got? I've got no answers to it all.


I'm going to buy a lizard instead.

humourfunnydatingInternet datingonline datingromancecynicismlizardssimilemetaphorode

◄ Sweaty Little Fingers

Into The Wilderness ►


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