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Not sure if this one counts as a poem, but its here anyway.

Presented by John Speaker

"Hi guys and welcome to the show!
The show where we aim to make debate look like adolescent banter!

"In today's game we have two teams who have entered the room blindfolded. On the right we have the blue team led by David!

"Hi David, tell us a little about yourself but without ever reaching the point."

"Well you see mr Speaker, Britain is characterised not just by its independence, but above all by its openness. I do believe the team to my left to be largely made up of people who are on a different team to myself. They have opinions which I do not agree with. However, I agree entirely with the opinions of the audience, whatever they may be."

"Hahaha! Well thank you David, that was suitably meaningless.
"On my left we have the red team led by Jeremy. Jeremy, please introduce yourself passionately and directly but without considering the interpretation of the audience."

"Thank you Mr Speaker. The team on my right are a bunch of bigoted toffee nosed c**ts whose opinions and those who follow them belong in the dark ages."

"Haha! Mixed responses there from the audience and judges Jeremy. We'll have to see how that was received. 

"Judges! How do we score in this opening battle? Ah, leaning towards the blue team so far eh? But Mr Scotland, I see you are leaning in favour of the red team. Why's that?"

"Noo likey no righty!!"

"Hahaha! Ok. Now teams on with the main event. In the middle of the room is something none of you have ever seen before (due to your closeted lifestyles and pretensions of knowing things others don't). This is a creature called an elephant!"


"Your task is to be able to accurately describe this creature at the end of the debate. If one person wins the game, members of both teams leave the game £1,000,000 richer. It only takes one person remember, from either team. If, however, nobody wins, we shall reveal the booby prize!

"David, who do you elect to go first?"

"George will go first"

"Ok audience, it would seem that George is going straight for the Ivory here! Yes, he's got a firm grasp on that tus.... Nope! He's dropped it! Wait, he seems to have it... Nope, dropped it again. Haha, we'll leave George to it for now. Jeremy, who do you wish to send up first? "

"John Mr Speaker"

"Ok John, come on up... 
"Well audience, it would appear that John is also going to go for the tusks. Following Georges lead it would seem? Nope, wait a minute, he's now gone round the elephant and is holding the tail aloft! Be careful there John, you might get sh** on your face!"

"Who's next David?"

"I'll send in Michael Mr speaker"

"Michael? Who's  Mi... Oh, sorry, I thought that was one of the child molesters from the audience here on probation!

"Well audience, it looks like Michael is fingering around the anus there. Looks like he's been practicing!"

"The Red teams turn. Who's next?"


"Up you come Hilary I... oh! You're a man? I mean, not that that's important, but... Erm..."

"Well, we weren't going to send in Baron Blunkett, he has an unfair advantage in this game. "

"Jeremy, that's direct, but not appropriate. Anyway ... He seems to be pulling our leg!"

"On with the show!"

Several rounds later.

"Ok, at the end of the first round we are all square. On with the debate section of this game. So, to remind you, all we have to do is combine our knowledge and find the best description of this elephant you can. If it is accurate then we're all winners, including the audience!


"Well, it would appear to me and my team that this creature is about driving forward with a hard nose, clearing out all the shits and stripping the assets while leaving havoc in its way!"


"No, no, no!! The right honourable c**t is a stupid c**t! This creature has a hard skin and thick soles from trudging twenty miles to work every day through burning plains! We can't strip him of his assets for the few! We need to give rides to the many!"

"Thank you, thank you. But what is it?


"I say! Jeremy you are rubbish at this game! Mr Speaker, Jeremy keeps taking this off onto his own agenda!"

"But what is..."

"Mr Speaker, David is a c**t! He's blatantly a c**t! You see you David? You're just a big c**t!"

"Jeremy, you may very well believe that but I couldn't possibly comment. You, however are naive to think that one elephant can give so many rides! I have it on good authority that this beast has no legs!"

"But what.."

"David, may I call you c**t? C**t, this beast clearly has legs! 4 big strong ones!"

"Jeremy, you're a meany poo head!"


"C**t, you're a c**t."

"Here here!!"

"Well, viewers at home, it appears the audience have lost the will to live. Plus Michael appears to be slowly disappearing into the elephants anus. I think it's time for the booby prize... Boris!!

"Until next time, keeeep masterdebating!"

By Matt

Politicalhumoursatirefunnygame showDavid Cameron

◄ A series of very short poems and non poems about nothing special

How to raise kids(warning... Very, very long) ►


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Matthew James

Mon 4th Apr 2016 19:46

I take your point there, it's more meant to be about perception of him in media as this confrontational personality than his real traits. I actually like Corbin, he's very honest. I just think perception of him in the view of those who dislike him is that he's blunt and doesn't think through his comments. Perhaps there's a better way to get that point across though. Thanks

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Lynn Dye

Sun 3rd Apr 2016 10:37

I loved David's opening meaningless speech - I could even imagine Cameron saying those very words.

Matt, my only point would be that in reality Jeremy favours a softer approach, and you have him here as a nasty swearing whatsit, but hey, it is your poem and it's very amusing.

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