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My Muse Is Dead

Beige walls stand empty where original artworks once hung
A woman, beyond her years in mind and body, sits at her desk
Staring at a screen that, despite vast knowledge at her fingertips
Is empty
The cloud of cognizance that enveloped her has cleared
Ridiculed by those she trusted
"Over medicated"
No more pills
No more gange
Nothing to help control the demons within her mind
There is no feeling o...

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adhdartistsbipolarBipolar depression sadnessbulliesdepressiongiving up on passionsgiving up on peoplemedicationmental illnessocdprocessing emotionsptsdshame

Pick Up (A Selfish Poem)

Your Skype signed in again
It’s so tempting to call you
There’s a voice screaming at me to just
Pick up the phone
Just pick up the phone
Against every urge
I’m silent, all except these prose
I must stay silent
Must wait
Wait for what?
For the message, the text, the phone call
Another voice tells me
That will never happen
Selfishly, I want you to miss me
I want to make you miss me
Ma...

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adhdanxietybut i refuse to act selfish anymoreddepressionheartbreaki am allowed to have selfish feelingsi miss youi miss you alreadylong distancelovemissselfishSometimes I wake up still thinking of youthinking of youthis is my outletz

Take Them

Take Them

Take these lies off my chest

Let me bleed from the gaping holes

No need to stitch me back up

These fallacy filled temptations

My main attraction

Hiding my true neuroticism

Telling the world stories

Of oh how amazing I am

How gorgeous

Such a demanding presence

Such an alluring sham

How dare I not live up to the expectations

Of a gorgeous woman 

Li...

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body imageBreastsdepressionsexualization

Destined to succeed

I have no reasons to stop, no reasons to halt,
I have no reasons to cry over my fault.

I have no reason to fear, ah! no depression;
I have no reasons to regret
Or betray my passion.

Life often puts me in a hell,
Yet I find a grace,
When it pushes me unto heaven
I don't lose my face.


I might have got no respect
Not a penny fame.
Yet I am not without a critic
Nor without a dirty name...

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criticsdepressiondestinyfail

I Can Be Good (Z)

With each and every prose I think of new things to outpour onto this page. Ideas and feelings flow through me, conflicting, and most of the time I am ok.

I've been sober since then; nothing helps this anymore. Every day starts out slow, in a haze, then I feel ok and content and myself for a few hours. Once noon rolls around, my heart hurts, my stomach turns, my head spins, and I leave class to ...

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adhdbipolardepressionlong distancelong distance lovelovepolyamorouspolyamorypsychpsychologyzach

Cast Aside

Cast Aside

A woman cries for now she knows

Her love is unconditional

Weeping at the empty kitchen table

One, two, three in the morning

None are awake but her

Right hand reaches out to air

She wails

“There was no choice to make!”

Yet she always knew, in some way

Either too much to handle

Or not enough

But always cast aside

 

Anger will not manifest

Her l...

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adhdarbitrarybipolarcast asidechancechoicescrydepressionheartheartbreakheartbrokenlate nightlovepolyamorouspolyamory

monster

I always told my mom that there was a monster under my bed. She of course never believed me,she always said that i had an over imagination. She gave me a night light so the monster would go away,but that never helped,it just angered her. There was nothing I could do to get rid of this monster,so I ignored it,I listened to music every night so I couldn’t hear the screams. I’m 16 now,the monster is ...

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depressionscarystory

no one sees

can no one see the pain of the shadow of a broken girl

living in a broken home?

can no one see the scars that her “cat” has made?

or the fact that there are new ones almost everyday?

does anyone notice the pain behind her eyes?

the “i’m fine” and a fake smile?

does anyone even care about anyone else anymore?

the name calling “whore” “slut” “fat” “ugly” “stupid” and many more

...

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depressionsad

The Somewhere: Bricks and Cement

Fuck.
Shit.
God Damnit.
Why can't you just look and see me?
Well.


I know you can. 
Kinda Sorta. 
You just don't stop.
You don't consider looking at cracks.


The old school walls are a burgundy color that no one finds interesting.


Maybe once in awhile.
For a brief second.
Someone.

She was new in school, I think. 
Never saw her before until sophmore year.
Pretty outgoing....

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Connor LannesDepressionHighschoolSadnessSuicideThe Somewhere

Life at the Plateau

The Plateau

The view from here is calm and true

The grassy steppes stretch out of sight

From plainness slowly dullness grew

From winning I have lost my fight

Life once sharper, numbs to bland

And feet sink deeper into sand.

 

The uphill struggle left me weak

Fingers bloodied, grip was lost

Each ridge ahead still seemed the peak

Life was stripped, I paid the cos...

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depressionhopelife

The Swan Effect

The Swan Effect                                                                                                                                          Your slender neck and wings so clean

Graceful movement, so serene,

The purest feathers which you preen

Are what attracts the eye.

 

Curves and power, gliding slow,

Majestic as a river flow

Sleek and gently strong you go

Sli...

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depressionnature

A Life in Colour

A Life in Colour

The challenge as I rise from bed

Is turning greys to green and red.

The drabness of the everyday

Takes a rainbow, turns it grey.

The colours sharp are lit by sun.

Red, orange, yellow, new begun.

Green, blue, violet quickly fade

Primary, pastel, into shade.

A squirrel, seal, a worm, a whale

Don’t worry that they live so pale.

The tortoise carries we...

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depressionhope

Carry On

Carry on

Sometimes I can't even talk
I just want to be left alone
With my own thoughts
Other times I don't want to be on my own
I just want someone to hold me
And make me feel safe and at home

Sometimes I can barely walk
I just want to stay in bed all day
Hoping the pain will go away
Other times I want to fight it and carry on
Even though I know it might bring a flare up on

The p...

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depressionPainsuffering

Feel Like I'm Crazy

Feel Like I'm Crazy

The doctor tells me "it's Fibromyalgia"
I've never heard of it before
But I think finally I have an answer
For all of my pain
But it doesn't take me long to decipher
It's something that they can't explain
Do they think that I'm insane?

They don't understand it
There is no cure
It's a curse not an answer
And I don't know how much more of this I can endure

They ...

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anxietydepressionmental healthPainstresssuffering

colorblind.

color used to be a distant memory.

I had seen the world in black and white for so long 
I couldn't even tell you the shades in a rainbow.

I had gotten used to playing along
when people would say 
"look at how bright! look at how wonderful! look at how vivid! look at how beautiful the world is!"
I would smile 
and say 
yeah, it's amazing
when all I saw were dismal shades of grey and bl...

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colorcolorblinddepressionfamilylove

The hidden pain

If life is as easy

as some make it seem

maybe life will be easy for me.

Days will be sunny and

even nights will seem bright and

people will smile because hey,

rain is alright!

Even the birds will be

singing their tunes after, of course 

sleeping in until noon.

Evil will have gone by and

don't try to tell me otherwise!

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depressionhidden meaningsuicide awareness month

A Triadic Structure of Depression

My poetry's hollow and null
And like my life it is quite dull
So I ramble and cry
And I wish to just die
While I ponder why I've not been culled.

 

And yes even so
I continue to write words
With no direct form

 

Rhyme scheme, structure, they mean very little
To a person who has no control of their life
And apathetically watches as he carries on strife.
And in a rotted hole, th...

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AnxietyConnor LannesDepressionPoetryStructure

Divided

I wish to be heard.  To bridge the divide

auto-ostracising me from common

experience.  Common understanding,

inclusion and collusion in present’s

moment.  I think ahead what response my

actions engender.  My words carefully

controlled, observation

based: precision vocabulary I

once envied – recycled at will,

effect calculated.  For reflection

on me, upping my status, ...

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depressionisolationself worthsocially awkward

PaperMate (explicit)

I am my own best friend, 
me and my burning pen. 
Together alone 
through everything 
we have been,
my papermate and I 
find myself, I lose my way,  
I lose myself, I find my way, 
I come back around again 
then square I go, 
alone.

Cut the nose, spite the face, 
I got pride, I got space, 
not a number, not a mistake. 
Slave never 
a sheep black as me 
so black I am the light, 
pu...

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ChangedepressionFreewritingSpokenword

Fight or Flight

Black Dog.  Stalking me.  Matching

every step.  Haunting

my shadow.  Nanometre

before manifestation.

 

My psyche cringes.  Ruin’s

proximity creeping fear

into me.  One false move.  One

trip.  One fall.  One turn against

the flow, the stalking dog bites.

 

And I press on.   Walk with fear

behind me.  I’ve been knocked down.

I’ve got up.  I’ve re-built lives.

...

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depressionfighting backmental healthovercome adversity

The Tug of Depression

The tug of depression
It was always there
It's my greates lesson
That life wasn't mean to be fair
It's the shackles on my legs
The clouds over my head
It's the dead of the night
Never far from sight
It's the weight holding me down
Turning the smile into a frown
It's the whiskey I didn't need
Making me think I'm free
It's my monotone life
Making me scared of the highs
It's the prison ...

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darkdepressionfearfightinglight

What Color Do You Feel Like Today?

Today, 

I feel like the color Blue. 

 

It seems like every day, 

I feel like the color Blue. 

 

You may ask, 

how do you know 

what Blue feels like? 

 

It's when you're sitting alone 

in the Blue room 

of your one bedroom apartment 

contemplating your whole existence. 

 

Blue is when 

you don’t feel good about yourself, 

when you don’t  

feel l...

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bluedepressionsadnessselfhelp

Anxiety, My Companion (a daily struggle)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes I can

rail against it,

sometimes it

conquers me.

 

Sometimes I hide

it well, other

days the fatigue

of fighting it shows.

 

Some people

Sympathize,

Empathize

Others say,

"Get over Yourself."

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AnxietyDepressionSaddness

Mind

My mind is racing up
I can't control my thought
Am loosing the track
And now there's no turning back
No time to fall
No time to break 

I feel like drowning 
The river keep calling 
Knife on my skin
The blood's running   
And isn't getting better 

My fingers across the gun
This is my fun
Oh! They found the trigger 
This time I won't be a loser
Just shut you eyes (Ain't needing yo...

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depression

Medication that's what I need

I slip one in my mouth,

It melts. 

Delicious. 

I lick strawberry lips.

Kissed by magic.

It takes away my pain,

Senses numbed. 

Nothing seems to matter. 

Apathy takes a hold. 

25mg maximum dose.

Is it working?

I have no clue.

I have lost my inner self. 

I don't want to feel the pain,

But without it there's no escape. 

I want to taste the rainbow,

To r...

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bipolardepressionMedicationpschosis

Puberty & Desperation

Ew.

For the love of God

Just...

Change your sheets.

Take a shower,

You stink.

Your body is exuding more fumes than a nuclear plant.

And by God.

While we're on this trail of reconstructive surgery.

Toss out that shit personality.

Trashy anime and cartoons, no counting for taste.

Kid, if you put a rainbow filter over that drawing, I swear to God...

No wonder every...

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Connor Lannesdepressioninternetmemoriespicturespuberty

My Head

Consciousness' stream

Batters sensibility.

Defies any logic of control.

Mind-channel's pelt through anxious nonsense.

Respite remote.

Unattainable.

Peace a distant thought,

Foreign land. And there is no place to hide.

No breakwater, behind which

cowering folk

find lulling calm.

This torrent is totality,

whose subject matter

majors upon all those memories,

...

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depressionnegative thinkingself imageself worthvicious circle

Lost Friends

"Like a house of cards, 
one blow from caving in..." 
I sing heavily alone in our house, 
carrying the weight of our dead 
friendship in my voice, 
hopelessly waiting for a familiar hug, 
a touch of warmth to lighten 
the evergrowing darkness in my mind. 

I can still feel the love in our captured memories,
hear the leaves rustle with a deafening reminder
of the time I forgot how to spe...

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anxietydepressionfriendshiploss

Experimental Proposition Following Observation of Apathy

Schrodinger's cat

is both

in theory

Alive and Deceased

Poison has filled the bunker

but from the outside

survival

or

failure

is inconclusive

until futher analysis

confirms

In a similar

state

is Schrodinger's Student

who is both

here and absent

awake and asleep

consious and in coma

Fallen loved ones join Illness

and

in a dorm room

su...

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apathycollegeConnor Lannesdepressionschrodingers catstudent

Lost

The more I go

The darker it gets

Doesn't matter what is my choice

It's always the wrong one

I missed all the tracks

But there is no survivor left in me

I wish I was the never ending story

That at least came to end.

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anxietydepressionfeelinglonelesslonelylostpoetryway

Why I Do Not Want to Hear That You Love Me

My friends do not understand

Every one of their smiles is a noose

Every act of friendship is another weight on my shoulders

I am weighed down by love, I am weary from carrying it so long, so far

I cannot hold this heaviness much longer

I cannot hold onto this burden

Knowing I do not deserve it

Knowing it is not meant for me

Knowing I should not accept it

Knowing how wast...

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depressionfriendsheavysadself

am i selfish?

Note: there is some strong language in this. it's not too bad. it's not too excessive, either. one word in here twice, i think. and if you're wondering, yes, the colors mean something. and yes, im genuinely asking a question to you, the reader. and to the person this is about. but i pray he never reads or finds this. anyway, enjoy.

 

Am I selfish for wanting another hug? 

I handed you the...

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bad friendsbad poetrycolorsdepressiondoubtfatherhigh schoolhopeinsecuritieslovemotherneednightmaresplatonic lovesadschoolsuicidesuicide note?supportteacherwant

The last farewell this winter brought

And just like that, you're gone,

The memories fade away, you're lost,

No matter the action , the consequences are the same.

The thought of you not being here,

The thought of missing you,

Those are concepts I can't wrap around my head.

With fear I live the upcoming days,

Questioning my own existence,

Questioning my own rebellion, I slowly understand what you meant.

Honest...

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depressionfarewellgratefullovememoriesPoetry

Rope

I shut it down 
when it gets too loud 
and I go back 
underground. 

I feel it like a thud, 
dull but hollow,  
loud and shallow. 
I wallow, I bellow. 
I hope, I hope 
then I damn the hope 
down the hole,

throw the rope. 

I’m afraid, 
afraid of my brain, 
afraid of the rain, 
my pain, 
the words on the page,
the ever growing rage, 
the crushing despair, 
the hate. 

No mo...

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chancedepressionFatefearpain

What Happened

I ran the hot water over them

Trying to scrub them away

They weren’t dirt or mud

They were too wide and deep

A part of me

 

I’d have bleached them off if I could

 

I’d been so busy

Eight hours working with a hangover

I ached and winced like it was nothing

Smiled and waited on strangers

 

It could have been him

 

The bath is when I realised my reality

...

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darkdepressionsadness

Until My Sorry End

I picture water filling lungs,

My head against the tile,

I picture floating till my end,

Until my sorry end.

 

Blood in vision, spilling free,

Heart filled with nothing, nothing-

Nothing.

I picture dying peacefully,

People say nothing, nothing-

Nothing.

 

White surrounds me, I fade out,

In and out of consciousness.

Credits roll as eyes roll back-

Until ...

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depression

Our Denial of Hate

Our Denial of Hate

 

 

     Within the realms of madness

I look infinity in the eye,

     My hands outstretched to cushion

A fall into a darkened state

But the fall is never ending,

Never ceasing or explaining

Only,

     Infinity’s unwelcome grin.

 

     Downwards I continually plummet,

Like a Halo Jumper

With no parachute,

     No DZ below,

Just an ...

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contradictiondepressiondualityexistencehypocrisy.truth

Pay the price

Hospitals full 
No beds for care,
Government money 
All too rare.

Dementia patients left to cope
Danger, stranger, lost all hope.
Children waiting months to see,
Counsellors to set them free. 

Schizophrenia, write them off
No one really gives a toss. 
Benefits the only way,
Stop them having any say. 

Depression that's just a joke,
Just a crushing wall of smoke,
Watch it take yo...

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depressionmadnessNhs

The Waiting Room

Sat here waiting
Stupid posters on the wall
Like knowing 1/4 matters
Mental health for all. 

The chairs are stained and dirty,
Water fountain broke,
Magazines outdated.
Even leaflets on a stroke. 

The receptionist she mumbles,
Or is it the glass screen,
Protects her from the patients, 
Ring bells - they are unclean.

Mental or a leper,
It really doesn't matter.
You're all in thi...

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bipolardepressionmental healthpsychosis

To The Addicts Of The World

To The Addicts Of The World


Cunning baffling and powerful are the words used to describe,
The truth of what addiction is, it will take your life with a knife.
Everything you thought you were becomes lost,
All that you cherish and love, gone at what cost?

Millions of people struggle everyday and it's truly tough,
Knowing that one is too many and a thousand never enough.
Pot, heroin, me...

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addictionbrokendepressiondrugshopelessnesslostreal life

Inspired by Beleaf's song:Depressed

Hook:

I do it cause I'm depressed
I'm depressed cause I do it
I do it cause I'm depressed
I'm depressed cause I do it
I do it cause I'm depressed
I'm depressed cause I do it
My God'll help me get through it

Verse:

See what happened was

I was trying to get into the in crowd

They watch triple x shows on the internet

I stepped into the same world wide web

i thought I was in...

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depressionlyrics

Edge

Sometimes I’m here, 
others elsewhere, 
gone, lost in my head, 
a round, a square. 

Underground, 
disappointment frowns. 

At my best always 
when there’s nothing left 
and all I ever do 
is stand on the edge.

©JM.Cole 

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depressiondisappointment

Winter's Wolf

The sharp-toothed skirmisher of January past

passes its knives by her cheeks;

the hillside heralds its shredded brown visage,

winter’s wolf howls the bitter conquest of the moors.

 

The season of concealing crowns and faces,

of cautious feet across the maze of wilted souls

to reach the lone tree, grey lightning petrified in time.

Frozen into the bark are age and time.

 

...

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depressionironylosslovenaturewinter

He left

He left 

He left behind his broken wife and his scared son

He left

He left us cold, all alone with no one 

He left

 

The vows, they meant nothing 

The promises, broken 

I just wish we meant something 

More than just empty words spoken 

 

I cried for days at a time 

My young son wiped every tear 

Leaving us was a crime 

And now, it's been 1 year 

 

An...

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affairbetrayalbrokenchangedepressionfamilyfatherfearheartachelonlinesslovemarriagememoriesmotherpainsadnesssonunconditional love

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