color used to be a distant memory.

I had seen the world in black and white for so long 
I couldn't even tell you the shades in a rainbow.

I had gotten used to playing along
when people would say 
"look at how bright! look at how wonderful! look at how vivid! look at how beautiful the world is!"
I would smile 
and say 
yeah, it's amazing
when all I saw were dismal shades of grey and black

I don't quite remember when this began
but I can tell you exactly when it ended

April 6th, 2017. red three, in his office.
he pulled me into a hug
after reading a long letter I wrote
about how I saw everything 
in black and white.

that
is when I saw color.

for the first time since I was in single digits
I could smile and truly say 
"yeah, the world is vivid and bright and wonderful and beautiful"

we fell into a rhythm, my new friend and I
I was there waiting outside his office
every other morning 
waiting to tell him about the previous day
good or bad
I hope he didn't get annoyed
because more often than not it was bad
and
he's pretty busy
but he insisted

after about a month
for the first time 
in a long time 
I realized I actually truly loved someone
but who could blame me
when you tell someone the most personal things about you 
and they open up to you too
how could you not care about them?
he is family to me.

the last day.
that was the saddest day of my life.
his words still play over and over in my mind
"keep trying to look for positives even if it's just a flower. at least that's beautiful. even if it's hard."

I woke up the day after the last day
late
and I was panicking 
because he was probably wondering where I was
then I realized
I won't see him again for three months

I broke.

I wasn't just colorblind this time
my friend, I regret to inform you,
I lost my sight.
I spiraled downwards
I became reckless.
and I have the scars to prove.

I was three months clean
and then I destroyed myself
dumbly slicing the skin on my thigh
because that's the only way I know how to cope
but I still remained blind.

then I started to shove my fingers down my throat when I felt full
because my body should feel as empty as my mind
as empty as my heart.
but I still remained blind.

I could regain my sight after a cigarette or two
so I began to chain smoke
but then I ran out of cigarettes

my (friend) brother offered me a different kind of cigarette
one sloppily hand rolled with a funny smelling illegal substance
then I saw colors I've never even seen before.
but three hours later I was blind again.

I know my old friend wouldn't be proud of that 
and somehow 
it made the black I constantly saw
even darker

yet again,
I have become accustomed to the darkness
and I play along 
when people marvel at the colors of the universe