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Delusions of Grandeur
How can you adore me one day
and forget I exist the next?
Was I just another notch
in your belt?
Why can’t you see that your world is
darker without me,
the one who loves you
unconditionally.
Someday it will all make sense.
Meanwhile, I’ll keep convincing myself
you still care.
###
Saturday 31st August 2019 4:27 am
Echoes
Echoes of my illness play in my head.
Stories play in my head:
replay, replay in my head.
I hear their music.
I hear their voices in my head.
Ripples of memory
that remind me of my illness.
I remember as I walk the supermarket aisles,
as I sit, hair dripping at the hairdresser, sipping tea,
sat clutching my bag in the back of a taxi.
Echoes of an illness reverberate
...Sunday 25th August 2019 6:58 pm
Perfectly Perfect
Nothing.
Till I woke up
then you spoke up
screamingng in my head.
Losing that weight again
with words of encouragement
ignoring the ills of my mind
pushing me back to when "You looked so much better".
Look inside.
Whiplash.
Punches.
Ugly words.
Oh no sorry.
You don't want to know
you just want to see
Perfection.
Smile.
Laugh.
...Friday 3rd May 2019 4:05 am
New Friend
Bipolar one disorder. I did not flinch. Warm and genuine, I liked him right away.
Open mike night. He played guitar. Part of the regular crowd. I had seen him many times, always with a smile.
Beer was good and we talked over the music. It was only our second meeting, yet the conversation flowed with ease. Relaxed and natural.
Been a lawyer he had. But not the "good kind" and he gave m...
Saturday 20th April 2019 8:45 pm
Bereft of feeling.
I wanted to do a poem today to provoke a thought or thinking about the insanity of taking drugs. I have known many people succumb to Heroin and painkillers, alcohol and it all seems so futile I myself suffered with addiction through mental illness. Its a terrible thing and very dark. So here is my attempt at describing this disease.
Bereft of feeling
Stare into the abyss
eyes burning...
Monday 18th March 2019 9:20 am
Please forgive Me Myself and My BPD
When you try your hardest you really do
But your switches get the better of you
It's not my fault I try and say but it still doesn't stop me pushing people away
My actions speak louder than words but my actions aren't created by myself
There all chemical imbalances that cause my mental health
I say I'm sorry each time I mess up but there's only so many times people will he...
Tuesday 19th February 2019 10:37 am
The Stigma
On my fathers side,
They ignored the elephant
On the living room couch
And called it toughness.
This was how they turned
Whisky
Percocet
Wife and kids
Into therapy.
This was how my cousin
Turned a belt into a noose
In his closet.
This was how they called
my aunt the "bitter black woman"
stereotype and how they saw
her charge to dim
...Tuesday 12th February 2019 5:01 pm
Lost and Found Pt 1 (Graphic content)
Lost and Found Pt 1
My life
my lost family
Ripped apart.
I curse the
f’n opiates.
Sectioned is
The new PC
name.
Locked up in this
‘Mad House’
Tis’
The same.
Nothing PC can
Be found.
Drugged up
On the floor
In a piss soaked
gown.
Po
Wednesday 9th January 2019 5:37 pm
New Year, New Demons.
The sun sets around this dirty glass.
Just a few more hours until I become someone new and forget who I was.
Im waiting for the fireworks but they'll surely never come.
There's no celebration for killing the demon that's been killing everyone.
You think a simple crucifix could fix this.
I don't think I can send my monster back to hell.
I've killed my insides I'm nothing more then a shell o...
Wednesday 2nd January 2019 5:39 am
The Wind Is Howling
In the grate, the shivering flames
hungrily wrap their lips around logs
The boards above me creek
my wife haunting somewhere
the baby's hands reach out
wave before its sleeping eyes
The wind is howling...
The smiles on our faces as we galloped down the aisle
making sense of scattered photograph moments
but I can't remember why
can't think of anything but waiting
and doing everything...
Sunday 2nd December 2018 2:32 pm
Mental exhaustion
I am so very exhausted
I tried everything, I really did
Still this darkness looms over me
Making the love and happiness hard to see
Everything is impossible to try to reach
This constant fight drains me like a leach
My limbs are so heavy, I can hardly move
Bouts of energy come far too little, and far too few
So I'm stuck in this position, as if I'm glued
And no this isn't the type of day...
Thursday 6th September 2018 2:17 pm
The demons that only I knew
Would you believe me
If I told you the truth
Would you stay with me,
Or would you just leave?
Would you still feel
The way that you do
If you saw me kneel
Before the demons so cruel?
I tried to escape
But it fell right through
It was never fate
What should I do?
I didn't mean to fail
I did choose you
But the monsters fight
Harder than I'm able to
I...
Thursday 26th July 2018 10:34 pm
BLUR
Give me a broken mirror.
Hide the blemishes and blotches
That impairs and disfigures.
Give me renewed youth.
Re-circuit my memory
Rewrite the truth.
Give me made up days.
Turn action to fiction
Blow my mind away.
Give me turning tides.
Give me caves and crevices
In which I can hide.
Give me light, give me dark
Give me dressings to hide
...
Wednesday 25th July 2018 1:38 pm
Can't Escape
You try to escape the demons
But they latch on way too tight,
Their claws digging into my body
And mind, with all their might.
Fighting is exhausting,
It physically and mentally drains.
But still I endure it, hoping
One day I will finally escape the pain.
Tuesday 19th June 2018 10:05 pm
Numb
I'm sitting here, trapped, frozen in time
Head imploding, finally losing my mind
Nowhere to run, bound and confined
To the prison within, my unconscious mind.
Tuesday 19th June 2018 9:48 pm
A Bipolar Mind
Each day, more exhausting than the last.
Time goes far too slowly, or too fast.
you're either extremely low, or elevated.
People either love you, or you're hated.
There is no middle ground
- no inbetween.
Everything is one extreme.
you're either Jekyll or you're Hyde.
It is a never ending fight.
You're a walking contradiction ,
With no explanation,
No cha...
Monday 18th June 2018 3:58 pm
I'm Bipolar - don't talk about it don
(I have written this piece to help you understand Bipolar Disorder, (and my writing) a mental illness little understood by the general community. 1 in 50 Australians suffer from this illness. I am one of those 50.)
I'm bipolar. Some say keep it private. Go public ?
What ever are you thinking of !
My response? How can you be expected to understand
this mental illness if it's n...
Sunday 10th June 2018 4:32 am
Genesis- Ch1 (TW and CW: rape, partying, self harm)
Last Night
…(gemma)...Gemma…
“Gemma!” She snapped into consciousness, only partly. Her head was pounding and her fingers felt swollen.
“What time is it?” she murmured. Her eyelids remained heavy still, but they opened wide enough to notice the thin rays of light streaming through the dorm room’s blinds. Gemma shifted her body to face Alex. He looked almost as groggy as s...
Wednesday 2nd May 2018 10:51 pm
So Unpredictable
25/10/11
So unpredictable.
So sharp and so cunning
Is the pain that run through me,
Hideous yet so stunning.
I want to keep it here,
I want to feel it's cold aching
Blood spilling from me
My heart is still breaking
What if I want it to stop?
Please, leave me alone!
It'll be there. Waiting.
For me to decay down to bones.
Maybe that's what I wa...
Thursday 15th February 2018 9:55 pm
Diary Of The Southern Queen Entry #37 {Multiple Personalities Disorder}
Dissociative identity disorder, previously called multiple personality disorder, is usually a reaction to trauma as a way to help a person avoid bad memories.
Dissociative identity disorder is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct personality identities. Each may have a unique name, personal history, and characteristics.
Sorry to say that's not me or never has been ...
Thursday 14th December 2017 7:42 pm
Who Am I?
A storm trapped in a rain drop
Hurricane wrapped in a wave
Hundred mile winds twisting within a breeze
Devastating quakes in every stone
Dirt speckled snow blanketed over bones
A forest of memories behind a cosmic window
Ash curls out into nebulous tendrils of purple and blue
A ghost of an echo
No longer able to self recognize
Thursday 7th December 2017 3:56 pm
My Muse Is Dead
Beige walls stand empty where original artworks once hung
A woman, beyond her years in mind and body, sits at her desk
Staring at a screen that, despite vast knowledge at her fingertips
Is empty
The cloud of cognizance that enveloped her has cleared
Ridiculed by those she trusted
"Over medicated"
No more pills
No more gange
Nothing to help control the demons within her mind
There is no feeling o...
Tuesday 28th November 2017 10:23 pm
I'd Be Queen Of Myself (if I weren't anti-monarchy)
She said
I seemed brighter and
I was that day,
that week,
but my brightness
had a lid on it
because I couldn't let it
spill
unless I was alone and then
I could sing
and sing and sing
and grin
at the windows
and the cutlery
and laugh at the shape
of the front door
all angular and rigid
and trapped by lines
not like me
I was bright that day
...Sunday 11th June 2017 2:08 pm
Numb
Once a darkness wrapped her soul,
A willow weeping, a devoid whole.
Stole her hope, her pride, her lust.
Pain twisted taking trust.
She wandered vulnerable but free,
Deathly pale but not drug free.
Chemically calmed, sedated, numb.
The only way to cope for some.
Twisted visions of the truth,
Forever lost beauty and youth.
Broken wings no longer fly.
Long ago she prayed to die....
Thursday 11th May 2017 7:14 pm
Disability Timeline pt. 1
Ask for help,
They say
With quiet judgmental rebuke
So I ask
And then I plead
And deafness
Greets his friend
Stagnation.
Today
Means tomorrow.
Tomorrow,
Next week.
I have yet to see
What
"Within the year"
Means,
And it's been Two.
Each letter,
A careful trapeze,
Am I too sick?
Not sick enough?
The war waged on
In my body.
They promised me
Soldiers
"Within the year."
Wednesday 4th January 2017 6:22 pm
When The Light Dies And Darkness Thrives
Great,
The bus,
Every morning indecisive and overwhelmed
Who should I sit by?
The question is,
Who would want to sit by you?
I mean, No one wants to,
And you know it.
Shut up…
That's not true.
I've got plenty of people who wouldn't mind me.
There’s the girl I sit next to in class
And we talk from time to time.
Oh, and don't forget the boy who waves hi to me i...
Thursday 7th April 2016 3:27 pm
"Are You Okay?"
Who am I?
Who are you?
Who are we?
We…
Us…
Me…
I.
I don't know who I am.
I don't know who you are.
I don't know who we are.
Are…
Were…
Am.
Am I me?
Am I you?
Am I we, us, them?
Them too.
Too many thoughts whirling in my mind.
Mind’s infected.
Infections of madness consuming me.
Me…
Us…
We…
I.
I thought I knew who I was.
I t...
Thursday 7th April 2016 3:19 pm
spitting in the street
let's go on a march for the mentally ill
up at the front are those of good will
and them with a badge and minor symptoms- but still -
waving their banners and demanding of pills
while back in the tenements behind the sofas
are the frightened neurotics the papers call loafers
'pity them pity them' the crowd call in slur
reinforcing the stigma - that is for sure
we're winning the war for...
Saturday 18th April 2015 12:36 am
Lifting The Lid
Lifting The Lid.
dreaming
of Oberon and Titania
on this warm midsummer night
in the empty house
the attic was full of rats
and ablaze with light
stepping carefully
around the marbles
scattered across the floor
on the table
a pack of cards
with jokers and aces missing
a bowl of nuts
a plate of crackers
a drawer of loose screws
the rocking chair
stilled
by sawing off it...
Sunday 29th March 2015 8:35 pm
Craiglockhart (Not Yet Diagnosed Nervous)
Craiglockhart (Not Yet Diagnosed Nervous)
When I kicked over the wheelchair
I couldn’t do the simplest task,
except the epileptic flailing
of my military antimasque.
Turning on the hissing gas-lamp
had me reaching for the mask.
You opened up my mind
and you didn’t even ask.
Sh-sh-sh shut the fuck up,
I think I’m going insane,
I’ve got all these bombs
going off in my brain.
I’m lik...
Wednesday 2nd July 2014 3:17 pm
My Darling Psychopath
If all you told were lies,
I heard only truth.
If manipulative were your motives,
I was putty in your hands.
If you used me for excitement,
I was thrilled for you.
If your emotions were all feigned,
I was your audience, suspended by the fiction.
If love you never felt,
I loved it for you,
And if conscience, you had none,
I was moral for us both.
Do you hide...
Thursday 29th May 2014 1:45 am
Free
Free
My name is juvenile delinquent
I’m losing my mind now,
it happens again and I can’t do anything about it.
Anxiety, anger, confusion, depression and loneliness
fight to get a foothold in my beleaguered mind.
Just about to go mad, insanity beckons,
don’t let my neurosis lead to psychosis.
I don’t want to be a Section 20, locked up forever
with only bars as my com...
Thursday 20th March 2014 5:36 pm
Jungles
They are coming with the needle They think they are being kind Sending me back to The jungles of my mind. There are creatures in the forest, I can feel them closing in Screaming in my mind In a brain jarring din. The fire is burning well Sending out heat and light Keeping at bay Those creatures of th...
Friday 11th October 2013 5:09 pm
Mental Health Victims
In Pyjamas creased like discarded paper
Shuffling aimlessly on flaccid feet
Come the fresh patients to the Psychiatry machine
Eyes stare into space in obscure realms of fantasy
With word salad chatter so wayward and bewildered
For morning medication they agitatedly wait
Chlorpromazine drugged psychotics limbs tremoring like jelly
Heads full of voices torturous ...
Friday 11th October 2013 1:15 am
Mental Health Victims
In Pyjamas creased like discarded paper
Shuffling aimlessly in worn down slippers on flaccid feet
Come the fresh patients commited to the psychiatry machine
Eyes stare intently into space in obscure realms of fantasy
With word salad jabber so wayward and bewildered
For morning medication they agitatedly wait
Chlorpromazine drugged psychotics limbs tremoring like je...
Sunday 1st September 2013 5:45 am
Mental Health Incarceration
Mental Health Incarceration
In Pyjamas creased like discarded PaperShuffling aimlessly in worn down slippers
Come the fresh fodder for the Psychiatric Machine
Eyes staring intently into obscure realms of Fantasy
With word salad chatter so wayward and bewildering
For morning medication they agitatedly wait
Chlorpromazine drugged Psychotics, li...
Friday 7th June 2013 6:35 am
Irregular Apocalypse
“Got 10p for a cup of tea?”
“If you show us where you can get one for that price,
I'll give you a quid”
He never did...
Irregular Apocalypse.
Lonely and irksome.
The bitter glow of jaundice
tears at society's rustic chains,
one tragedy at a time.
“The Freemasons took my children,
they took my baby.”
Now she's hopping magic buses,
...
Thursday 4th April 2013 9:41 pm
the learning nerves
The learning nerves!
A poem inspired by a confidence and self esteem
building course attended at Mhist in Bolton.
Destiny and desires designed the darkness into an eventual tangle,
of falsities and fears with which we wrangle!
Thoughts founded on falsehoods and threats that flowed like water to the deepest depths,
fantasies we fear are facts that leave us of true h...
Tuesday 3rd January 2012 2:25 pm
Lorna
It was a public madness:
comments not making sense, snow-flaking words on photos shared by friends of friends.
Oblique comments passed by lookers on. ‘WTF’s she on about?’ and ‘get her tole’ and passive vaguings mentioning getting better for the kids.
And I sit and mourn her while she lives. Watch it huge and vast.
Remembering my own lost year
and feel a little anxio...
Monday 24th October 2011 2:13 pm
Trilogy of Heroes
My father was a survival expert:
Deserts, swamps, mountains, jungles.
Hunger and thirst were trials inflicted
To toughen up his men for the real thing.
His signature line was:
The bugs will get you faster than the bullets!
Dad’s harsh regime saved many lives
In World War II combat arenas.
My father was my hero.
During the war
My mother bore him ...
Wednesday 9th March 2011 11:26 am
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