Poetry Blog by Nick

Its 2am
I'm lying on the bathroom floor again
Heavy breathing, I got pills in my hand
Shaking and waiting for the sandman
To take me to sleep so you can understand

This is not a claim to fame
Only an attempt for you to remember my name
When you see me in the headlines saying "He wasn't okay"
Oh you miss me now? Ain't that a shame.

I'm not coming back, there is no replay
You can't take ba...

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It's a tough pill to swallow.
I want to fucking puke.
This feeling in my stomach,
like I swallowed a live nuke.

They just give me pills to swallow
and run a lot of useless tests.
I tried so hard to keep it away,
to fight it off but it infests.

I hate these pills I swallow.
I feel the cancer in my veins.
It's consuming my body
and fucking with my brain.

It's not your pill to swallow.
I...

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I'm just a number,
Put me in the back.
One of these days,
I swear I'll fucking snap.

Always keeping it in,
Forever pushing it down.
One day I'll strike this match
And burn this place to the ground.

Empathy is a curse,
A color I wear well.
I'm sick of always wondering
How other people feel.

I don't take care of myself,
I just bury my own bone.
I'm always there for everyone
But I'm al...

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I finally figured it out
How to get up there pre-death.
I crawled my way up to you
Without leaving my own bed.

I tried to break you out
But they wouldn't let you leave.
I tried to break you out 
To bring you home with me.

I got kicked out of heaven
No they won't let me back.
They said if I ever tried again
To prepare myself for attack.

I'll go back everyday 
If I had the slightest cha...

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I don't have very long,
Will you tell me that you need me?
There's something wrong,
I know you see right through me.

I try my best,
But those intentions were lost.
A burning flame,
On a candle wick that's been gone.

It's becoming clear,
That my simple words are useless.
If I just disappeared,
Would you say it's me that you miss?

Please lie to me,
Just to try and save face.
I know you...

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I spent
My last $20
On you.
I hope
You like
What I got you.

I know
They're not
The nicest ones there,
But I,
Wanted to show
That I was thinking bout you.

I know that,
Times have been
Tough for you,
And I
Know that this
Wont make everything right.
But I've been thinking bout you.

And with
Every petal that falls
I hope you
Know that it's
Every thought I have bout you.

Yes I
...

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I don't like my brain today.
It's bringing me down,
In more than one way.
It doesn't really matter
What anyone will say.

I really don't know why,
I always feel this way.
When it starts to get cold,
And the sky turns grey.

I don't want to be here today.
I tell my co-worker,
As he slowly walks away.
He agrees with me,
But knows not what I say

Please beg me to stay.
I need to feel want...

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What can I say I'm a little fucking jaded.
Must be stemming from the lies that you stated.

Yesterday's punks should've been today's politicians.
At least then to my generation they would listen.

You're killing our planet and bankrupting your people.
You leave us dying in a ditch and swear that we're equal.

Call me a millenial and I'll wear that shit with pride.
Please don't confuse me with ...

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If you're not careful you can get lost in the woods of your mind.
My piece of advice would be to bring with you a guide.

Someone to hold your hand and walk you through.
So that if something is lurking you have someone to hold onto.

Make sure the person you bring is trustworthy.
That they'll stick around when it starts to get scary.

Things go bump in the night and more-so in these woods.
Tho...

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Best friends until the end
You know that will never change
Things might be different now
But they'll always be the same

Fourteen years old
Just two punk rock kids
Skateboarding and sneaking out
All the classes we would ditch

You know that I spent most of my nights with you
At your house there on Laredo Vista Avenue

Fast forward 10 years
There's no classes to ditch
I know if I didn't fi...

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Who am I to you?
Do you want me to stick around?
I'm screaming at the top of my lungs
But you still don't hear a sound.

Hang me from your promises
As I choke on your words.
You said you want me forever
But you cut my heart in thirds.

Where the fuck were you
When I needed you the most?
My world was crashing down
You turned into a ghost.

You left me all alone
And I've been lost here eve...

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They don't tell you that when you start to get older
How hard it will be to let go and try to get sober
That no matter what steps you take you'll never get closure

Guilt, I'm just buried in so much fucking guilt
Like I had something to do with the loss of what we built
6 weeks in and I'm already surrounded by the blood I somehow spilt

I can't move on and it's impossible to fucking let go
I ...

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It's odd for me
To be down on my knees
Praying to a God
That I don't believe in

I asked him why
There's so much pain in my life
And the one bit of joy
Was cut off like a knife

I was angry and mad
Didn't expect a response
I was crying and yelling
In my little tiny house

I heard in my heart
The reason to be
That there wasn't a soul good enough
To fill the love that I need

He said "I ...

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Today's the day where I don't feel like waking up
I'm struggling to do anything at all but refill this half empty cup 

Today's the day that I relapse and pop this little white pill
It's supposed to make me numb when I'm feeling mentally ill

Today's the day that I burry myself in bed all alone
I'm hurting so damn bad, it aches me to the bone

Today's the day that I'm going to let everyone do...

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Don't call it a comeback
My depressions been here for years
I still smoke myself to sleep
And calm my anxiety with 3 or more beers

It's just goes to show
That I should stay in my lane
I stare at the bottom of an empty bottle
Just to focus on something other than pain

I knew it'd come back
I knew it was too good to be true
Depression isn't a state of mind
It's something that controls you

...

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I only write when I'm sad
Cause I use my words to cope.
So what am I supposed to say
When I feel the slightest bit of hope?

Love poems and positive thoughts?
I've tried that but it's all been said
I start writing and all I can think about
Is the times I wanted a bullet in my head.

Pretty typical stanza coming from me
Everything I write is basically the same
Oh no, I broke down the fourth...

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There's a ghost in my room
That sings me to sleep
Whispering in my ear
A sweet symphony

With a simple melody
That has a heart mending remedy
But the words that it sings
I can't remember for the life of me

The voice is familiar
But can't put it to a face
I remember something similar
When my mind was in a better state

All I can hope
Is that it never leaves
Because if it were to depart
...

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I'm afraid to have kids
What if they get my depression
Or addiction
Or fucking alcoholism?
What am I supposed to say to them?

"Sorry kiddo,
Suck it up.
You'll soon find out,
Life just fucking sucks"

It's just not fair
To pass on an ongoing burden
To watch my kid suffer
Knowing that I can't relieve them

They're supposed to be protected
But I can't save them from themself
It just kill...

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Boy just take it easy
Boy just take it slow
Please don't give up now
You have so much further to go

Put that gun down boy
Step away from the ledge
All the demons your fighting
Don't have to stay in your head

Let me help you boy
Let me be your light
You and I together boy
We'll give 'em a hell of a fight

This is it boy
It's time for war
With me by your side
It'll be easier than befor...

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Like the morning bird
You sing the stars away.

Just like that
My darkness burns to light.

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Put on my pants
Put on a show
Fake a smile
No one will know

Don't show weakness
Fake my emotions
Bury my anxiety
Just go with the motions

I gotta play fast
Need to sing out of tune
Because don't you know
Punk Rockers Don't Sing The Blues

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I'm sitting in purgatory
A deserving end
To my shitty story

You think you know who I am
But you don't know what I've done
Some call me the devil
Some call me his forgotten son

I'll take your heart at the start
And say you have mine
Once you realize I'm empty
I'll leave you all alone, crying

I've done a thing or two
That I can't say I regret
I'll dig into your memories
Make it impossi...

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They say people don't hurt the same
And I wish that wasn't true
Because going through this alone
Is something I'm not sure I can do.

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I've got me a best friend
His name is Jack
I put him on rocks
Then mix him with black

He and I hang
With a lady named Mary
Jane is her last name
Though I'm careful not to carry

When we're all together
My troubles slip away
I don't worry about anything
But I have to watch what I say

We get into some trouble
But most of the time we're
All alone in my room
With a twelve pack of beer

J...

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I had that dream again
Same place different time
I asked Chris if we can have a minute so he exited, stage right
We were laying and I was holding you so damn tight like if I let go you'd float away.

Wood was falling from the roof and it was coming straight for your head
It probably would have killed you but I stopped it and saved you instead
You were so relieved we both started crying and I ...

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Inhale
Exhale
Your very first
My most important

Your hand
My thumb
You held it so tight
I couldn't hold my tears

8pm
2am
Every night
To make sure you're fed

My side
Her side
You in the middle
Across from your neglected crib

Left foot
Right foot
Your first steps
Corners were quickly covered

Fast forward
Slow down
You're getting so big
I always did my very best

She yelled
I ...

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If I went to a professional they'd probably say it started when I was younger
Which begs the question why it didn't affect my older brother

Maybe it's just the way my brain is wired
I'm just so god damn sick and tired
Of being so damn sick and tired
Why am I always so fucking tired?

I just go through the motions
All the days just blend together
The only thing keeping me going
Is the hopes...

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It's been a while since I've written
It may be 'cause it's been a while
Since I've really felt anything at all

One little white pill
"It'll take all the pain away"
But the dealer never told me
My new friend was here to stay
So before you say yes
There's something I need to say

You'll lie awake wishing for pain
At least then you'll feel something
But it'll never fucking come
Because you...

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I still think about you a lot
But in the most selfish way
Wishing I could float my way to heaven
And find the words to say

Are you scared
Are you alone?
Are you happy
Is it home?

I'm scared to move on
I'm alone inside my head
I'm happy when I think of you
Your home is here instead

I wish I could trade you places
But I know that's wished a lot
At the very least can I be
The man that ...

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I'm afraid to kiss you
Because of the fear of being left breathless
Gasping for air 
The theif you are stealing life from my lungs

I'm afraid to leave you
Because without you near I'd surely fall apart
Picking up the pieces 
The craftsman you are, putting me back together

I'm afraid to be loved by you 
Because of the unrealistic, idealistic picture you paint of me
Every brush stroke
The...

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There's a traveling man with no place to go
He's got a bottle of Jack and a bag full of snow trying to settle down and find himself a home

He's been wanderin' for years leaving a piece of himself everywhere that he goes
He tries to settle down but by the time he gets warm all that's left is a pile o' bones 

He's got a crooked yellow smile and a heart of gold
He took a shot of whiskey and put ...

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I have nothing to show for these past 3 years except a broken heart and a taste for whiskey
Now the early mornin' hours is when I think the most
Though you know I'd really like to get some sleep

See my body has a home but my soul is all alone and I know that it's all my fault
So I'll pour another drink and light up this roach while I sit and think 'bout the last 3 years wishing that this whisk...

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