a dog and a frog

who stood on a spoon

and went round the town

in their dressing gown

said the dog to the frog

oh lets spoon to the moon

so they jumped up and down

and the spoon left the ground

look look oh look at the moon

how truly exciting said the dog

spoon spoon we went on a spoon

would you believe it said the frog

to the moon to the moon

t...

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argh

the wooden pirate

with a real leg

‘pon his left shoulder

not a parrot but a peg

argh

his ship inverted

sailed ‘neath the wave

and in his treasure chest

was a craggy cave

argh

he roared with rum

empty barrels were full

his flag was white

black bones and skull

argh

the flag though ripped

caught on his hook

but not for a hand

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I swallowed an owl

I didn’t mean too

it flew in when my mouth was open

as I stood admiring a flowery garden

its feathers tickled making me cough

and scoff

                  a lot

                             panic and shout

and a little while later

then the darn thing flew out!

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mr onion with his mad mad hair

miss pepper with her smoothen skin

mrs lemon looking so so fair

master cauliflower’s complexion

the long long nose of sir carrot

the red red face of dame tomato

the velvet touch of lady apricot

the rustic charm of lord potato

father pumpkin’s autumn face

grandma asparagus’ spring fingers

mother strawberry’s summer grace

gran...

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I packed my worth on a dinner plate

and walked afar out to sea

you see

I reached an odd little island

shaped like a banana and pea

you see

I met a blue polka dot creature

with a hot pot of honey and tea

you see

I was poured a mug and we talked

such a charming and wise pigmy

you see

I realised the hour was late

better get back to home said ...

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an ostrich learning to swim in the sea

his neck like a stick floating vertically

swirling and rounding

and bobbing a wave

an invisible hand stirs a big cup of tea

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o shrew in a shoe

shoo shoo

but he wouldn’t go

chew through the shoe

shoo shoo

chewed from heel to toe

nurse a poor tum

shoo shoo

he belched and was ill

greedy old shrew

shoo shoo

you’ve eaten your fill

find a new home

shoo shoo

one you can’t chew

its pair you jump to

shoo shoo

o shrew in a shoe

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begroan the ghoul who floots the floor

it sidles wodely rombles

and seen by some who vallacate

the hotel rooms it froodles

midnight is the time they say

the gallu-gallu grumbles

shrumbling in the corridors

and shrooning down the stairalls

intriguers flock from far and foyle

to witness Old Bazzam

and stay a night at their behowl

to see the ghoul then scram

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“Abe, easy Dee, effigy, eight chives, Jake, ale, Em,

any hope, peak you, arrest a ewe, feed other ewe”

                                                             ex-wife said

she certainly SPELT it out!

he then went on to reCOUNT

“When, too, furry forks, fave socks sieving, eat known tin”

and there was something oddly familiar about it all

when ex-husband and ...

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there's something intrinsically poetic about lists…

1.
bread (wholemeal)
twelve eggs
solar panels
occasional frogs
corporate lawyers
steam

2.
onions (red)
tomatoes (finely chopped)
garlic (four cloves)
fireman's ladder (aluminium)
disparity (secretly hidden)
mildness (abundant)
gluttony (almost definite)
mozzarella (abridged)

3.
clean sink
dirty sink
point un-necessar...

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the spider
he, with cotton in his bottom
for the silken manufacture
dressing flies he likes to capture
in the evening wear for dinner
oh the spider, what a spinner

the wasp
he, with a pin for a sting
and the flailing arms he causes
people run like wild horses
from their summer barbecues
oh the wasp, such afternoons

the ant
he, having friends in the thousands
how the picnic blanke...

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the ravenous witch

famished with greed

tummied and toothed

in scoops could she eat

pickles and pockles

and piggy trough trays

gorging, gullooging

and munching for days

she went picking parcels

and morsels of stuff

jiggleberries, hockleberries

but never enough

apples and hopples

pebbles and pears

the horribliest fruit

even one covered in h...

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gulp!

ahurr ahurr ahurr

“I swallowed a cricketer”

he shouted with a cough

but, we asked, in a joking scoff

“do you not mean a cricket?”

then to our amazement

and in the very next minute

he regurgitated a bat!

which promptly flew back to its cave

and that, it seems, was that

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there is a place at at at

it is by by by

which is near near near

not too far from from from

you can get there via via via

and to be honest it is nice to stay at at at

it’s up to you really

but if you do stay at at at

you might visit visit visit

from there go to to to

then, if time, see see see

not so scenic as as as

reminded me of of of

but again it’s up...

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the parrot cooked a dinner

the dinner he cooked was a carrot

when the swan burst into song

and the thrush told him to hush

the starling asked for more food

more food he asked for starving

when the owl then sang out loud

and the crow told him to go

so a meal of interruption

ruined this fine carrot luncheon

then all was quiet, nothing heard

u...

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the donkey set the table

but the table set was wonky

when the crane brought the game

and the mice brought the dice

the horses cooked the food

and the food they cooked in courses

the deer brought the beer

and the koala brought the cola

so an evening full of fun

promised fun for all the evening

then the tiger turned up later

but unfortunately...

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you know he’s a Jib

the way you can tell

he jingles and jingles

like a jingly bell

but sometimes their jingle

mysteriously goes

then Jibs cry all day

and why, nobody knows

being a Jib

can often be tough

expected to jingle

and jingle with love

then on the days

where love is not felt

Jibs lose their jingle

and Jibs will then wilt

so...

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the hapless toad

who croaked a verse

and moved the trees around him

did sway the branches

sway the leaves

at the most profound of meaning

and too did cry

the birds above

at so beautiful a stanza

and soon to history

rose the toad

recited oft' thereafter

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noop

boo troon

frooing soon

noop

too woon

drooing hoon

noop

shoo shoo

oon

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Dong was a song

that Fung the dog sung

Moke was a joke

that Poke the pig spoke

the Ked, a book that was read

is what Uncle Ned said

so Uncle Ned

his dog Fung

and his pig Poke

did Dong and did Moke

for the Ked that they wrote

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hey ho

does an octopus know

how to juggle with eight cups and saucers

and the fish watching him

while the elephants swim

then he juggles with a turtle and tortoise

then ho hey

does the octopus say

I can do this all day round in circles

but an ache in my arm

in my arm, in my arm

and so on through all eight tentacles

so hey ho

let the octopus go

...

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I went on holiday

so I thought I’d pack

I put in my head

I’d be needing that

I packed my arm

because where’s the harm

so too my toes

not forgetting my face

oh, my other arm too

went into the case

better take my legs and feet

they’re important indeed

I added my hips

and my ‘you know what’

well you never know

I might need it or not

...

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The bike are riding two by two 

Hurrah hurrah 

The bikes are riding two by two 

Hurrah hurrah 

The bikes are riding two by two 

It’s the Highway Code, but I own the road 

So Ill just keep driving on 

The bikes are now riding three by three 

Oh shite oh shite 

The bikes are now riding three by three 

Oh shite oh shite 

The bikes are riding three by three

As ...

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I try, try, try as I might,
But every time I use a semi-colon;
There's a 10% chance of it being right. 

(How did I do?)

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Yes, a mandatory retirement age in Congress

I believe it's time has arrived

We will base the age on FDR's fireside chat

And if you heard the broadcast live

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The earth's temperature will increase 1 degree this century

For climatologists this is the sum of all their fears

It was 15 to 18 degrees hotter on earth for the dinosaurs

Then again, they only lasted 200 million years

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Made arrangements to go away for my anniversary

Which then did render a thought

Does my wife really enjoy vacationing with me

Or am I her last resort

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At age 80 Harrison Ford makes another adventure movie

I guess the storyline is acceptable

Although, Indiana Jones can now only enter caves

If they are handicap accessible

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Georgia, when submitting digital driver's license pictures

Please wear clothes when due

The word mirror should be the only time

We use phrase, rear view

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Displayed on my dentist office wall, "A smile is a whisper of a laugh"

I quietly sit there in intending doom

It is meant to be a soothing thought

While screaming seeping from another room

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Bobi the oldest dog in the world just turned 31

Still his favorite thing to do is to ride in the car

Also loves to bark at children to get off his lawn

And he'll fetch bones if he remembers where they are

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Great Britain has a terrible squirrel problem

Now animal control blames budget cuts

British scientists working on a contraceptive pill

Since trying to neuter them, is just nuts

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Did you know that octopus can run on land like a cat

Now I know people like their taste

But what ablout betting on them in a speed contest

Now that is a real arms race

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The Flat Earth Society is looking to grow in popularity

Althouigh their ideas you may scoff

Going to the ends of the earth to find supporters

Since membership has fallen off

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Unfortunately, there is a large doctor shortage

New medical students, just not there

Especially proctology, gynecology, ears, nose and throat

There are several openings here

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I lay the knives, sharp, on the table, flat. 
Notes of cinnamon and spices should keep the tempo light,
As I conduct the kitchen, for my dinner party tonight. 

Knock knock, they melodically rap upon the door,
I go to greet my fine guests, yet moments before,
I turn back from the handle, for I'm not so sure,
Which of the four seasons should delight my decor?

To choose only one,...

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Why has no one ever loved me the way I love you?

Why am I on top of a hill no one wants to climb?

Why am I a chest of gold no pirate wants to find?

Why am I a question without an answer?

Why am I on top of a table, a dancer, and no one’s interested?

Why am I in a prison arrested?

Why am I always stuck in my mind, behind the bars of nerves?

Why am I left without words?

Why i...

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My cat Daisy is the baddest cat around,

She'll attack you so quick without making a sound,

She'll turn you face into a scratching post,

Take a shit then lay on the remote,

You will just think it went missing,

Ask her and she'll pretend she's not listening,

And that's my cat Daisy,

She's fuckin' crazy,

Sick and twisted maybe,

Low key though she's a crybaby,

A...

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The splash changed the course of the universe

as the fish startled in his round of the pond.

Why are you here? asked the fish.

I fell in, cried the rat, wearing water he donned.

Why did you fall in? again from the fish.

I just fell in, just fell in, that is all.

But why, you could have fallen several ways

but you fell in here so why into this pool?

I lost my balan...

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Gone in a glimpse

That life you once knew

Convinced it's a nightmare

"This can't be true"

Then keeper of dreams

Declares

"You're Awake"

You cry " It's not real

Must be a mistake! "

But weeks became weirder

Hair growing long

Some of those beards

Are seriously wrong

No more

Are the handshakes

There's limited hugs

We're all masked up now

Not just the...

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MY HOLIDAY

Travelled up upon the train, all was very good
it brought me in to Sheffield, exactly as it should

I got into a big black cab, outside the station door
from there i had a journey, as i'd never had before

The driver was a lunatic, either that or drunk
to make my journey even worse, he positively stunk

The traffic was quite heavy and very very slow
so he drove up on...

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A REALLY BAD DAY

I got up really early, the sun was in the sky
I thought "i'll do the laundry,i'm bound to get it dry,
 
I sorted out the lights and darks, and put the first load in
It washed it and it rinsed it, but then refused to spin.

In anger and frustration, I opened up the door
the water left the washing and drowned the kitchen floor.

I went to make a coffee and the kettle b...

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A Local Earthquake Today Inspired Me...

Fracking caused the earthquake

Lacking caused their heartbreak

The Magnitude of their

Solitude

Hit the Richter scale

Yet molten heat's

Release

Showed more

To them

They still made

The earth move

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Little Jimmy Bailey a wavertree lad

Lived with his brothers and a drunken dad
His mother walked out she couldn't cope
Never even left them a bar of soap
So little Jimmy with the dirty face
Wore shoes with holes and only one lace
Quick witted and fast good with his hands
Made a gutar from a box and lazzy bands
Oh he loved a sing song young Jimmy did
He wrote songs in his head since he wa...

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It's hard to live a making, hard, hard to make a living

even without the exorcist interferes. I've been a fog

harmer, a hog harmer. I have hogged farms all my life

and my father's life before that. I'm so mad I can't talk right

and the priest will probably say I'm witch crafted too.

I've already paid the lawyer more than the pork

is worth. The lawyers available to represent ...

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"Fattening up time" the wall calendar read

which meant only one  thing to old farmer Ted.

Christmas was coming and there's money to be made

you see the bigger the bird the more he'd be paid.

He'd saved up all year and bought high quality feed

to ensure that his flock was the best he could breed.

So this year Ted's turkeys would be the tastiest in town

and the best biggest...

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Surely, I'm not happy 
To lose the best friend 
It is true, not funny 
"GOD" put the final end 

Certain hour, of the day 
Whatever we are or where 
We have to say Goodbye 
"GOD" is kind and fair 

No one plans to die 
No one remains forever 
No When , Where or WHY? 
Let's pray, no suffer

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When you get writer's block
go for a walk

find a friend 
have a talk

blow bubbles
spin a top

count stars
watch birds flock

whatever you do 

don't stare 
at a blank page

as the clock
goes tick-tock. 
 

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You see the chavs unveiling torsos
Which fashion hair that always grows
The shorts his distant cousin wears
Showing us sights that only scare
The ice cream man appears once more
Serving melting ice cream through his door
You hear the neighbours having a Barbie
An hour or two later they sound rather barmy
The neighbourhood drunk stumbles as usual
And vain young girls become rather delusion...

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Got fired from my call centre job for failing the exam. Took it while doing the night shift. First I've ever done graveyard. Can't say I like it. In fact, I bloody hate night work. Unless it's in a goth club, drinking beer or grinding.

Gonna get a new job. Jimmy Boom Semtex needs beer and tattoo cash. Give him a job and let him learn. Short term memory aside, he'll do his best. Make you la...

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