mental illness (Remove filter)
Ode to Trump Derangement Syndrome
Saturday 22nd March 2025 6:13 am
Forgotten
When we die,
We'll be forgotten,
But what can we say when
We're forgotten
While alive?
What am I to think
When I am invisible?
When I am cast aside?
When I am the problem?
Who is there to see me for me?
Does death then hold no meaning?
Is death even worth fearing?
Or is it rather embraced
As a means of escape
From those who
Don't care
At all?
Thursday 21st November 2024 4:33 pm
late night walking
used to take things before going on walks
it’d be dark and cold
and i’d be underdressed
i couldn’t seem to withhold
i’d stumble around the neighborhood
trees and leaves would move
even though there was no breeze
i couldn’t seem to mentally improve
i grew more and more detached
would walk by a half way house everynight
i thought that perhaps that would one ...
Monday 22nd July 2024 5:10 am
Coming To Grips
Sitting here thinking, another week gone.
Another small increment moved from the fire.
It feels like it does when you’re just waking up,
half grasping consciousness, half in the mire.
When you’re not quite sure if it’s real or a dream,
the one where no matter your efforts you fail.
In total frustration you claw just to move,
and in the struggle, you miss the details
...
Thursday 21st March 2024 1:22 am
Captain My Captain
The wind seems to blow when the cold settles in.
Darkness will fall after shadows begin.
The end truly came long before you were through,
now everyone is going to miss you.
Captain, my captain now gone to the sky.
Words can’t describe all the reasons we cry.
The circle’s complete now, there’s no reason why.
Captain, my captain… goodbye.
…Tribute Robin Williams
Saturday 16th March 2024 10:45 am
What I've Learned
They struggle to know how I feel,
yet each question they ask only makes it more real.
And they search for a way to get in.
Hell, the door isn’t locked, it just blocked from within.
They remember the way that I was.
Well big deal, so do I and I don’t know the cause.
And they ask it again and again,
“Why can’t you be you back before this began?”
Don’t they...
Friday 15th March 2024 9:26 pm
Blue Sunshine
The words have fallen silent now and dreams passed away.
The pills have taken over and I don’t know what to say.
My bags have all been packed for me. The driver waits impatiently.
Not car nor driver fits this mystic land.
The hallway doors each filled with they who’s eyes plead out for me to stay,
it hurts to see they do not understand.
I never will forget my time among...
Monday 11th March 2024 5:44 pm
Freefall
Sat through another non-eventful free fall through the ceiling
while trying hard to feel something despite the way I'm feeling.
Trying hard to find my way back to the time of when
I didn't have to sit in this damn chair time and again.
For every day now seems a bit more like the day before.
Just like a cross between a treadmill and revolving door,
where weeks and m...
Monday 26th February 2024 2:14 am
Posts
I put a post of myself on again
And then think of all the critics
Those so called friends frowning in consternation at my narcissistic tendencies
As if am putting a mirror up to their own insecurities
That need to nuke the system sings in my synapses
Normality makes me mad
Friendship can’t be had
I am miles away from my mission but closer than most
God is not the Father, ...
Saturday 25th March 2023 6:39 pm
drowning in brain waves
born to Cybele on a golden cloud
he appeared in a flash of lightning
carrying Prometheus on his back.
his footsteps left luminous tracks
a blazing trail of prints
& ground breaking indents
cementing his path through the sands of time.
when the bearded man spoke or wrote
his words formed waves
blown by the west wind
& the sleeping dead woke
drinking his poems as an antidote
from a ...
Sunday 19th February 2023 1:33 pm
I don't.
How do you cope with being alone?
I don’t.
How do you love when you don’t love yourself?
I don’t.
How do you open up to people you know?
I don’t.
How do you handle being left?
I don’t.
How do you give when there’s nothing to give?
I don’t.
Well you must think about your life and friends?
I don’t.
Do you think in the future you can do better?
I don’t.
I’m s...
Thursday 8th December 2022 8:06 pm
The Devil
Can no one fall from the frown of the circle
tree trunk heavy from past trust tithes
Deep blue eels that run under the skin
ready to cut, taking fronds of blood
Chant for triggers, for lapses, for minds
finish my turn when he's had enough.
Clothed fringed with moments of madness,
as we claw at their pig skin seams
Tear the etiquette away as we fall.
The beast corner...
Sunday 4th September 2022 4:59 pm
CUTS
CUTS
When I think of her I think of scars.
She told me when she touches them they remind her of the cuts;
of how the cuts made her feel,
“it’s a purge”, she said, “a sense of being real".
She spoke to me with honesty of the incremental cost
of destroying the things she held so dear
now irretrievably lost.
Of how, through her inner turmoil,
she could meet the gi...
Sunday 30th January 2022 1:41 pm
Bottom of the list
Pumping fast to the heart
Blood
Skin feeling warm
To the touch
Inside and out, love flowing
It's flowing
Again
Into your veins
Another day,
Lost
An offer,
Again
Of a blanket on the grass
Your love in a cup
The warmth on our skins
Under the sun, like you planned
Time and time
Again
I've stopped my demands
Always promised
Always empty
If I were a substance
Could I get your love
...
Tuesday 4th January 2022 11:05 am
Ego
Woken early by my black dog
growling at another rabbit hole,
pulling at the leash to
dig out some sorrow or fear
to bring back home
and leave at my door.
And there it would stay,
if I were in charge.
But today my Ego stands
waiting for His treat and
carries it into my mind.
And there He starts his dissection.
Pulling apart the fresh, raw,
sinewy emo...
Wednesday 3rd November 2021 4:36 pm
In darkness I write
Tuesday 7th September 2021 8:07 am
Burden
Am I a burden or a blessing?
Until now I've brought you pain,
nitpicked neurotic neural pathways
produced images of you burdening people
nuked your brain by old beliefs.
The pitter patter of your baby
put like a seal pup on your chest
but I was there for stop her suckling,
I didn't want her to breathe
No-one except me knew you bitch.
After all we've been thr...
Wednesday 24th March 2021 1:39 pm
Wish You Well -Mental Health Awareness
Love was never anything they ever gotten or actually felt.
No one to ever check on your heart to make sure it was upkept.
From a child you held on to this misery & it crippled your health.
Afraid to talk about to family, & even friends, & too much pride to get help.
The buil...
Monday 1st February 2021 11:42 pm
A Game Of Chance
I put my head on the pillow and drift off….
Shiva sweeps aside the remnants of yesterday:
Gains, strivings, losses and ambitions
Clearing the table for tonight’s game
Flanked by greater and lesser angels and demons.
I’m lost in dreams while a silver ball spins against the
roulette wheel of my soul.
Each number an affection, a state of being
randomly selected for t...
Thursday 28th January 2021 9:17 pm
Sudden Attack
The heart stops,
stomach drops,
and fear attacks
tearing and scraping the insides.
Stepping back, it’s not the right time.
It’s too delicate; my hands are tied.
I stall. I ruminate. I do all the things not to destroy this.
I dread that I will, gravely… to the point of not moving.
This is what it’s like when people become a ghost.
It’s too much to go forward.
So, I turn
in the opposite...
Saturday 26th September 2020 5:26 am
My Super man
Panic setting in
For reasons unknown everything is unsettling
I wished I could kick my heels and disappear
But, instead, he appears
Through the haze his face is clear
I fight the urge to will him near
Oh God, did he sense my fear
Or my emotions churning and my tears near
How does he do it, what exactly does he hear
Me quietly praying, daring him to care
My vulnerabili...
Friday 4th September 2020 6:18 am
Rush Hour Treat...
Emotional turmoil
Tranquility sporadic
The future unknown yet frightful
A familiar face in the crowd
So warm, inviting and sweet...
Everything makes sense again
Hope is reignited
Fear, is once again
For the time being
Obsolete...
( " PSYCOBABBLING" )
Friday 4th September 2020 6:00 am
Transference and its counter
Am I making an impression...
Do I leave you bewildered with every expression...
Do you look forward like I do to our weekly sessions...
Or are my scribbled musings akin to aggression...
An unbecoming, pathetic vie for attention...
I find you delightful and have a genuine fascination...
I am curiously eager, feelings bordering on intoxication.
But, apparently in therapy t...
Friday 4th September 2020 4:14 am
Where does it hurt?
It’s a walking numbness, a dull pain
that sometimes presents itself in waves.
It slowly builds, and one day, every few weeks it explodes.
I can’t bring myself out of bed.
The rolling tears subside for a moment only to build again and again.
The world outside, and the family inside, doesn’t exist, only what’s happening right here.
Only this pillow, only this blanket, only the thoughts ...
Friday 14th August 2020 1:49 pm
SAPI plates
Sage bush smoking sour
Eyes cascading showers
Measuring sober hours
Chewing my cigarettes now
Good coffee, good chow
Pretentious fuck saying thou
Pissing off the bow, drunk
Crawl back in my rack
Afloat but still sunk
Cold icey dunk
Casket of grinding gears stuck
Struck, sliding into silence
Saturday 8th August 2020 6:46 pm
Trinket x
The only blade I fear is the one that I wield
A single stroke and my fate is sealed
Hold up false hope, impotent shield
Casually spread my bones in untilled fields
Digging in my heels,
it feels like I'm losing you
Digging out six square,
soul bruising blue
Brick slit bullshit, courtyard contortions, fountains of weeds
Walking in ovals, squares
Blackboard becomes the backboard of your...
Tuesday 21st July 2020 3:49 pm
Malignant Manipulator
The figure had a lonely aura about itself. Something about it weighed on your charachter. You willingly relinquished parts of yourself in hopes to nurture the overwhelming darkness that the stranger seemed to carry. As your mind opened to the new acquaintanceship the insecurities and fears that were once held by the apparition influenced their way into your esteem. As the light diminished from you...
Tuesday 21st July 2020 8:04 am
A Confession
A confession
In the moonlit dreamtime as the
Warblers rest and stars kiss the midnight sky
I want to die
As the sun rises flirting seductively with
The horizon and cotton candy clouds
Tiptoe across the dawn
I want to die
In nameless parties with empty faces
And monsters growing with every sip of
Poison they ingest
I want to die
Within warm...
Thursday 16th July 2020 4:15 pm
Wilting soul
Spiraling down into heaps, ragged and gray, cracked crockpot hip sway
How many times a day do the flies find dead lips
Violence equips violence, self perpetuated static hate
Powers of state observed through grates, through threadbare shirts as they disintegrate
Inflating the lie, runflat tires crushing thighs, for his mom he cries
How do your eyes hold dripping pitchers back, how much empathy...
Thursday 25th June 2020 5:09 pm
You made me do it
You're so impossible
you are selfish
you are difficult
you cause me so much trouble
I've only got this angry with you
you provoked me
you're unreasonable
you aren't like your brother
you never help
I never get this cross with anyone else
you made me hit you
I lost control because of you
you are defective
but I love you
so all is ok
everything is possible with me
I am self full
...
Saturday 8th February 2020 11:20 am
Delusions of Grandeur
How can you adore me one day
and forget I exist the next?
Was I just another notch
in your belt?
Why can’t you see that your world is
darker without me,
the one who loves you
unconditionally.
Someday it will all make sense.
Meanwhile, I’ll keep convincing myself
you still care.
###
Saturday 31st August 2019 4:27 am
Perfectly Perfect
Nothing.
Till I woke up
then you spoke up
screamingng in my head.
Losing that weight again
with words of encouragement
ignoring the ills of my mind
pushing me back to when "You looked so much better".
Look inside.
Whiplash.
Punches.
Ugly words.
Oh no sorry.
You don't want to know
you just want to see
Perfection.
Smile.
Laugh.
...Friday 3rd May 2019 4:05 am
New Friend
Bipolar one disorder. I did not flinch. Warm and genuine, I liked him right away.
Open mike night. He played guitar. Part of the regular crowd. I had seen him many times, always with a smile.
Beer was good and we talked over the music. It was only our second meeting, yet the conversation flowed with ease. Relaxed and natural.
Been a lawyer he had. But not the "good kind" and he gave m...
Saturday 20th April 2019 8:45 pm
Bereft of feeling.
I wanted to do a poem today to provoke a thought or thinking about the insanity of taking drugs. I have known many people succumb to Heroin and painkillers, alcohol and it all seems so futile I myself suffered with addiction through mental illness. Its a terrible thing and very dark. So here is my attempt at describing this disease.
Bereft of feeling
Stare into the abyss
eyes burning...
Monday 18th March 2019 9:20 am
Please forgive Me Myself and My BPD
When you try your hardest you really do
But your switches get the better of you
It's not my fault I try and say but it still doesn't stop me pushing people away
My actions speak louder than words but my actions aren't created by myself
There all chemical imbalances that cause my mental health
I say I'm sorry each time I mess up but there's only so many times people will he...
Tuesday 19th February 2019 10:37 am
The Stigma
On my fathers side,
They ignored the elephant
On the living room couch
And called it toughness.
This was how they turned
Whisky
Percocet
Wife and kids
Into therapy.
This was how my cousin
Turned a belt into a noose
In his closet.
This was how they called
my aunt the "bitter black woman"
stereotype and how they saw
her charge to dim
...Tuesday 12th February 2019 5:01 pm
New Year, New Demons.
The sun sets around this dirty glass.
Just a few more hours until I become someone new and forget who I was.
Im waiting for the fireworks but they'll surely never come.
There's no celebration for killing the demon that's been killing everyone.
You think a simple crucifix could fix this.
I don't think I can send my monster back to hell.
I've killed my insides I'm nothing more then a shell o...
Wednesday 2nd January 2019 5:39 am
The Wind Is Howling
In the grate, the shivering flames
hungrily wrap their lips around logs
The boards above me creek
my wife haunting somewhere
the baby's hands reach out
wave before its sleeping eyes
The wind is howling...
The smiles on our faces as we galloped down the aisle
making sense of scattered photograph moments
but I can't remember why
can't think of anything but waiting
and doing everything...
Sunday 2nd December 2018 2:32 pm
Mental exhaustion
I am so very exhausted
I tried everything, I really did
Still this darkness looms over me
Making the love and happiness hard to see
Everything is impossible to try to reach
This constant fight drains me like a leach
My limbs are so heavy, I can hardly move
Bouts of energy come far too little, and far too few
So I'm stuck in this position, as if I'm glued
And no this isn't the type of day...
Thursday 6th September 2018 2:17 pm
The demons that only I knew
Would you believe me
If I told you the truth
Would you stay with me,
Or would you just leave?
Would you still feel
The way that you do
If you saw me kneel
Before the demons so cruel?
I tried to escape
But it fell right through
It was never fate
What should I do?
I didn't mean to fail
I did choose you
But the monsters fight
Harder than I'm able to
I...
Thursday 26th July 2018 10:34 pm
BLUR
Give me a broken mirror.
Hide the blemishes and blotches
That impairs and disfigures.
Give me renewed youth.
Re-circuit my memory
Rewrite the truth.
Give me made up days.
Turn action to fiction
Blow my mind away.
Give me turning tides.
Give me caves and crevices
In which I can hide.
Give me light, give me dark
Give me dressings to hide
...
Wednesday 25th July 2018 1:38 pm
Can't Escape
You try to escape the demons
But they latch on way too tight,
Their claws digging into my body
And mind, with all their might.
Fighting is exhausting,
It physically and mentally drains.
But still I endure it, hoping
One day I will finally escape the pain.
Tuesday 19th June 2018 10:05 pm
Numb
I'm sitting here, trapped, frozen in time
Head imploding, finally losing my mind
Nowhere to run, bound and confined
To the prison within, my unconscious mind.
Tuesday 19th June 2018 9:48 pm
A Bipolar Mind
Each day, more exhausting than the last.
Time goes far too slowly, or too fast.
you're either extremely low, or elevated.
People either love you, or you're hated.
There is no middle ground
- no inbetween.
Everything is one extreme.
you're either Jekyll or you're Hyde.
It is a never ending fight.
You're a walking contradiction ,
With no explanation,
No cha...
Monday 18th June 2018 3:58 pm
I'm Bipolar - don't talk about it don
(I have written this piece to help you understand Bipolar Disorder, (and my writing) a mental illness little understood by the general community. 1 in 50 Australians suffer from this illness. I am one of those 50.)
I'm bipolar. Some say keep it private. Go public ?
What ever are you thinking of !
My response? How can you be expected to understand
this mental illness if it's n...
Sunday 10th June 2018 4:32 am
Genesis- Ch1 (TW and CW: rape, partying, self harm)
Last Night
…(gemma)...Gemma…
“Gemma!” She snapped into consciousness, only partly. Her head was pounding and her fingers felt swollen.
“What time is it?” she murmured. Her eyelids remained heavy still, but they opened wide enough to notice the thin rays of light streaming through the dorm room’s blinds. Gemma shifted her body to face Alex. He looked almost as groggy as s...
Wednesday 2nd May 2018 10:51 pm
So Unpredictable
25/10/11
So unpredictable.
So sharp and so cunning
Is the pain that run through me,
Hideous yet so stunning.
I want to keep it here,
I want to feel it's cold aching
Blood spilling from me
My heart is still breaking
What if I want it to stop?
Please, leave me alone!
It'll be there. Waiting.
For me to decay down to bones.
Maybe that's what I wa...
Thursday 15th February 2018 9:55 pm
Diary Of The Southern Queen Entry #37 {Multiple Personalities Disorder}
Dissociative identity disorder, previously called multiple personality disorder, is usually a reaction to trauma as a way to help a person avoid bad memories.
Dissociative identity disorder is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct personality identities. Each may have a unique name, personal history, and characteristics.
Sorry to say that's not me or never has been ...
Thursday 14th December 2017 7:42 pm
Who Am I?
A storm trapped in a rain drop
Hurricane wrapped in a wave
Hundred mile winds twisting within a breeze
Devastating quakes in every stone
Dirt speckled snow blanketed over bones
A forest of memories behind a cosmic window
Ash curls out into nebulous tendrils of purple and blue
A ghost of an echo
No longer able to self recognize
Thursday 7th December 2017 3:56 pm
My Muse Is Dead
Beige walls stand empty where original artworks once hung
A woman, beyond her years in mind and body, sits at her desk
Staring at a screen that, despite vast knowledge at her fingertips
Is empty
The cloud of cognizance that enveloped her has cleared
Ridiculed by those she trusted
"Over medicated"
No more pills
No more gange
Nothing to help control the demons within her mind
There is no f...
Tuesday 28th November 2017 10:23 pm
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