O Trump Derangement, thy name we scorn, A sickness wrought to silence minds, A label placed to quell the born Of thought, whose roots may tear the binds. In wisdom's place, thou offer none— No cure, no hope, no space for air… For every voice who dares to run Against thy crown, thy law, thy glare. How sweet the word "insane" you say— A balm for wounds, a mask for fear. But none shal...

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When we die,

We'll be forgotten,

But what can we say when

We're forgotten

While alive?

 

What am I to think

When I am invisible?

When I am cast aside?

When I am the problem?

Who is there to see me for me?

Does death then hold no meaning?

Is death even worth fearing?

Or is it rather embraced

As a means of escape

From those who

Don't care

At all?

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used to take things before going on walks

it’d be dark and cold

and i’d be underdressed

i couldn’t seem to withhold

 

i’d stumble around the neighborhood 

trees and leaves would move

even though there was no breeze

i couldn’t seem to mentally improve 

 

i grew more and more detached

would walk by a half way house everynight

i thought that perhaps that would one ...

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Sitting here thinking, another week gone.

Another small increment moved from the fire.

It feels like it does when you’re just waking up,

half grasping consciousness, half in the mire.

 

When you’re not quite sure if it’s real or a dream,

the one where no matter your efforts you fail.

In total frustration you claw just to move,

and in the struggle, you miss the details

 

...

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The wind seems to blow when the cold settles in.

Darkness will fall after shadows begin.

The end truly came long before you were through,

now everyone is going to miss you.

 

Captain, my captain now gone to the sky.

Words can’t describe all the reasons we cry.

The circle’s complete now, there’s no reason why.

Captain, my captain… goodbye.

 

…Tribute Robin Williams

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They struggle to know how I feel,

yet each question they ask only makes it more real.

 

And they search for a way to get in.

Hell, the door isn’t locked, it just blocked from within.

 

They remember the way that I was.

Well big deal, so do I and I don’t know the cause.

 

And they ask it again and again,

“Why can’t you be you back before this began?”

 

Don’t they...

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The words have fallen silent now and dreams passed away.

The pills have taken over and I don’t know what to say.

 

My bags have all been packed for me. The driver waits impatiently.

Not car nor driver fits this mystic land.

The hallway doors each filled with they who’s eyes plead out for me to stay,

it hurts to see they do not understand.

 

I never will forget my time among...

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Sat through another non-eventful free fall through the ceiling

while trying hard to feel something despite the way I'm feeling.

 

Trying hard to find my way back to the time of when

I didn't have to sit in this damn chair time and again.

 

For every day now seems a bit more like the day before.

Just like a cross between a treadmill and revolving door,

 

where weeks and m...

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I put a post of myself on again

And then think of all the critics

Those so called friends frowning in consternation at my narcissistic tendencies 

As if am putting a mirror up to their own insecurities 

That need to nuke the system sings in my synapses

Normality makes me mad

Friendship can’t be had

I am miles away from my mission but closer than most

God is not the Father, ...

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born to Cybele on a golden cloud
he appeared in a flash of lightning
carrying Prometheus on his back. 
his footsteps left luminous tracks
a blazing trail of prints 
& ground breaking indents
cementing his path through the sands of time.

when the bearded man spoke or wrote 
his words formed waves
blown by the west wind
& the sleeping dead woke
drinking his poems as an antidote
from a ...

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How do you cope with being alone?

I don’t.

How do you love when you don’t love yourself?

I don’t.

How do you open up to people you know?

I don’t.

How do you handle being left?

I don’t.

How do you give when there’s nothing to give?

I don’t.

Well you must think about your life and friends?

I don’t.

Do you think in the future you can do better?

I don’t.

I’m s...

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Can no one fall from the frown of the circle

tree trunk heavy from past trust tithes

Deep blue eels that run under the skin

ready to cut, taking fronds of blood

Chant for triggers, for lapses, for minds

finish my turn when he's had enough.

 

Clothed fringed with moments of madness,

as we claw at their pig skin seams

Tear the etiquette away as we fall.

The beast corner...

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CUTS

 

When I think of her I think of scars.

 

She told me when she touches them they remind her of the cuts;

of how the cuts made her feel,

“it’s a purge”, she said, “a sense of being real".

She spoke to me with honesty of the incremental cost

of destroying the things she held so dear

now irretrievably lost.

Of how, through her inner turmoil,

she could meet the gi...

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Pumping fast to the heart
Blood
Skin feeling warm
To the touch
Inside and out, love flowing
It's flowing
Again
Into your veins
Another day,
Lost
An offer,
Again
Of a blanket on the grass
Your love in a cup
The warmth on our skins
Under the sun, like you planned
Time and time
Again
I've stopped my demands
Always promised
Always empty
If I were a substance
Could I get your love
...

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Woken early by my black dog

growling at another rabbit hole,

pulling at the leash to

dig out some sorrow or fear

to bring back home

and leave at my door.

 

And there it would stay,

if I were in charge.

But today my Ego stands

waiting for His treat and

carries it into my mind.

And there He starts his dissection.

 

Pulling apart the fresh, raw,

sinewy emo...

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Am I a burden or a blessing?

Until now I've brought you pain,

nitpicked neurotic neural pathways

produced images of you burdening people

nuked your brain by old beliefs.

 

The pitter patter of your baby

put like a seal pup on your chest

but I was there for stop her suckling,

I didn't want her to breathe

No-one except me knew you bitch.

 

After all we've been thr...

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How can one love someone when one can't love themselves.

 

Love was never anything they ever gotten or actually felt.

 

No one to ever check on your heart to make sure it was upkept.

 

From a child you held on to this misery & it crippled your health.

 

Afraid to talk about to family, & even friends, & too much pride to get help.

 

The buil...

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I put my head on the pillow and drift off….

 

Shiva sweeps aside the remnants of yesterday:

Gains, strivings, losses and ambitions

Clearing the table for tonight’s game

Flanked by greater and lesser angels and demons.

 

I’m lost in dreams while a silver ball spins against the

roulette wheel of my soul.

Each number an affection, a state of being

randomly selected for t...

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The heart stops,
stomach drops,
and fear attacks
tearing and scraping the insides.
Stepping back, it’s not the right time.
It’s too delicate; my hands are tied.

I stall. I ruminate. I do all the things not to destroy this.
I dread that I will, gravely… to the point of not moving.
This is what it’s like when people become a ghost.
It’s too much to go forward.
So, I turn
in the opposite...

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Panic setting in

For reasons unknown everything is unsettling

I wished I could kick my heels and disappear

But, instead, he appears

Through the haze his face is clear

I fight the urge to will him near

Oh God, did he sense my fear

Or my emotions churning and my tears near

How does he do it, what exactly does he hear

Me quietly praying, daring him to care

My vulnerabili...

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Emotional turmoil 

Tranquility sporadic

The future unknown yet frightful

A familiar face in the crowd  

So warm, inviting and sweet...

 

Everything makes sense again

Hope is reignited 

Fear, is once again

For the time being

Obsolete...

 

( " PSYCOBABBLING" )

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Am I making an impression...

Do I leave you bewildered with every expression...

Do you look forward like I do to our weekly sessions...

Or are my scribbled musings akin to aggression... 

An unbecoming, pathetic vie for attention...

I find you delightful and have a genuine fascination...

I am curiously eager, feelings bordering on intoxication.

 

But, apparently in therapy t...

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It’s a walking numbness, a dull pain  
that sometimes presents itself in waves. 
It slowly builds, and one day, every few weeks it explodes. 
I can’t bring myself out of bed. 
The rolling tears subside for a moment only to build again and again. 
The world outside, and the family inside, doesn’t exist, only what’s happening right here. 
Only this pillow, only this blanket, only the thoughts ...

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Sage bush smoking sour
Eyes cascading showers
Measuring sober hours
Chewing my cigarettes now
Good coffee, good chow
Pretentious fuck saying thou
Pissing off the bow, drunk
Crawl back in my rack
Afloat but still sunk
Cold icey dunk
Casket of grinding gears stuck
Struck, sliding into silence

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The only blade I fear is the one that I wield
A single stroke and my fate is sealed
Hold up false hope, impotent shield
Casually spread my bones in untilled fields
Digging in my heels,
  it feels like I'm losing you
Digging out six square,
  soul bruising blue
Brick slit bullshit, courtyard contortions, fountains of weeds
Walking in ovals, squares
Blackboard becomes the backboard of your...

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The figure had a lonely aura about itself. Something about it weighed on your charachter. You willingly relinquished parts of yourself in hopes to nurture the overwhelming darkness that the stranger seemed to carry. As your mind opened to the new acquaintanceship the insecurities and fears that were once held by the apparition influenced their way into your esteem. As the light diminished from you...

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A confession

 

In the moonlit dreamtime as the 

Warblers rest and stars kiss the midnight sky

I want to die

 

As the sun rises flirting seductively with

The horizon and cotton candy clouds

Tiptoe across the dawn

I want to die

 

In nameless parties with empty faces 

And monsters growing with every sip of

Poison they ingest 

I want to die

 

Within warm...

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Spiraling down into heaps, ragged and gray, cracked crockpot hip sway
How many times a day do the flies find dead lips
Violence equips violence, self perpetuated static hate
Powers of state observed through grates, through threadbare shirts as they disintegrate
Inflating the lie, runflat tires crushing thighs, for his mom he cries
How do your eyes hold dripping pitchers back, how much empathy...

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You're so impossible
you are selfish
you are difficult
you cause me so much trouble
I've only got this angry with you
you provoked me
you're unreasonable 
you aren't like your brother
you never help
I never get this cross with anyone else
you made me hit you
I lost control because of you
you are defective
but I love you
so all is ok 

everything is possible with me
I am self full
...

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How can you adore me one day

and forget I exist the next? 

Was I just another notch 

in your belt? 

Why can’t you see that your world is 

darker without me,

the one who loves you 

unconditionally. 

Someday it will all make sense.

Meanwhile, I’ll keep convincing myself

you still care.

###

https://youtu.be/kjkc7A5XoWk

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Nothing.

Till I woke up 

then you spoke up

screamingng in my head.

 

Losing that weight again

with words of encouragement

ignoring the ills of my mind

pushing me back to when "You looked so much better".

 

Look inside.

Whiplash.

Punches.

Ugly words.

 

Oh no sorry.

You don't want to know

you just want to see

Perfection.

 

Smile.

Laugh.

...

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Bipolar one disorder. I did not flinch. Warm and genuine, I liked him right away.

Open mike night. He played guitar. Part of the regular crowd. I had seen him many times, always with a   smile.

Beer was good and we talked over the music. It was only our second meeting, yet the conversation flowed   with ease. Relaxed and natural.

Been a lawyer he had. But not the "good kind" and he gave m...

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I wanted to do a poem today to provoke a thought or thinking about the insanity of taking drugs. I have known many people succumb to Heroin and painkillers, alcohol and it all seems so futile I myself suffered with addiction through mental illness. Its a terrible thing and very dark. So here is my attempt at describing this disease.

 

Bereft of feeling

Stare into the abyss
eyes burning...

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When you try your hardest you really do 

But your switches get the better of you 

It's not my fault I try and say but it still doesn't stop me pushing people away 

My actions speak louder than words but my actions aren't created by myself 

There all chemical imbalances that cause my mental health 

I say I'm sorry each time I mess up but there's only so many times people will he...

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On my fathers side,

They ignored the elephant

On the living room couch

And called it toughness.

 

This was how they turned

Whisky

Percocet

Wife and kids

Into therapy. 

 

This was how my cousin

Turned a belt into a noose

In his closet.

 

This was how they called 

my aunt the "bitter black woman" 

stereotype and how they saw

her charge to  dim

...

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The sun sets around this dirty glass.
Just a few more hours until I become someone new and forget who I was.
Im waiting for the fireworks but they'll surely never come.
There's no celebration for killing the demon that's been killing everyone.

You think a simple crucifix could fix this.
I don't think I can send my monster back to hell.
I've killed my insides I'm nothing more then a shell o...

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In the grate, the shivering flames
hungrily wrap their lips around logs
The boards above me creek
my wife haunting somewhere
the baby's hands reach out
wave before its sleeping eyes

The wind is howling...

The smiles on our faces as we galloped down the aisle
making sense of scattered photograph moments
but I can't remember why
can't think of anything but waiting
and doing everything...

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I am so very exhausted
I tried everything,  I really did
Still this darkness looms over me
Making the love and happiness hard to see
Everything is impossible to try to reach
This constant fight drains me like a leach
My limbs are so heavy, I can hardly move
Bouts of energy come far too little, and far too few
So I'm stuck in this position, as if I'm glued
And no this isn't the type of day...

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Would you believe me

If I told you the truth

Would you stay with me,

Or would you just leave?

Would you still feel 

The way that you do

If you saw me kneel

Before the demons so cruel?

I tried to escape

But it fell right through

It was never fate

What should I do?

I didn't mean to fail 

I did choose you

But the monsters fight

Harder than I'm able to

I...

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Give me a broken mirror.

Hide the blemishes and blotches

That impairs and disfigures.

 

Give me renewed youth.

Re-circuit my memory

Rewrite the truth.

 

Give me made up days.

Turn action to fiction

Blow my mind away.

 

Give me turning tides.

Give me caves and crevices

In which I can hide.

 

Give me light, give me dark

Give me dressings to hide

...

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You try to escape the demons

But they latch on way too tight,

Their claws digging into my body

And mind, with all their might.

 

Fighting is exhausting,

It physically and mentally drains.

But still I endure it, hoping

One day I will finally escape the pain.

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I'm sitting here, trapped, frozen in time

Head imploding, finally losing my mind

Nowhere to run, bound and confined

To the prison within, my unconscious mind.

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Each day, more exhausting than the last.

Time goes far too slowly, or too fast.

you're either extremely low, or elevated.

People either love you, or you're hated.

 

There is no middle ground

- no inbetween.

Everything is one extreme.

you're either Jekyll or you're Hyde.

It is a never ending fight.

 

You're a walking contradiction ,

With no explanation,

No cha...

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(I have written this piece to help you understand Bipolar Disorder, (and my writing) a mental illness little understood by the general community. 1 in 50 Australians suffer from this illness. I am one of those 50.)

 

I'm bipolar. Some say keep it private. Go public ?

What ever are you thinking of !

 

My response? How can you be expected to understand

this mental illness if it's n...

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Last Night

 

…(gemma)...Gemma…

    “Gemma!”  She snapped into consciousness, only partly.  Her head was pounding and her fingers felt swollen.

    “What time is it?” she murmured.  Her eyelids remained heavy still, but they opened wide enough to notice the thin rays of light streaming through the dorm room’s blinds.  Gemma shifted her body to face Alex.  He looked almost as groggy as s...

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25/10/11

So unpredictable.

So sharp and so cunning

Is the pain that run through me,

Hideous yet so stunning.

 

I want to keep it here, 

I want to feel it's cold aching

Blood spilling from me

My heart is still breaking

 

What if I want it to stop?

Please, leave me alone!

It'll be there. Waiting.

For me to decay down to bones. 

 

Maybe that's what I wa...

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Dissociative identity disorder, previously called multiple personality disorder, is usually a reaction to trauma as a way to help a person avoid bad memories.

Dissociative identity disorder is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct personality identities. Each may have a unique name, personal history, and characteristics.

 

 

Sorry to say that's not me or never has been ...

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A storm trapped in a rain drop

Hurricane wrapped in a wave

Hundred mile winds twisting within a breeze

Devastating quakes in every stone

Dirt speckled snow blanketed over bones

A forest of memories behind a cosmic window

Ash curls out into nebulous tendrils of purple and blue

A ghost of an echo

No longer able to self recognize

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Beige walls stand empty where original artworks once hung
A woman, beyond her years in mind and body, sits at her desk
Staring at a screen that, despite vast knowledge at her fingertips
Is empty
The cloud of cognizance that enveloped her has cleared
Ridiculed by those she trusted
"Over medicated"
No more pills
No more gange
Nothing to help control the demons within her mind
There is no f...

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