You're on the hunt

Searching for the sign

To stop and rest

To finally resign

Is it worth it?

To keep running

Seeking the invisible truth

Never knowing

How it's been and gone

Ultimate precision

Costs everything every time

Whether it's a rhyme

Or your last line

Heartbreak and anger

As the family gets stranger

More distant and...

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a chocolate Santa Claus

a piece of motivation

a piece of dedication

a piece of dictation

mission failed

a piece of self hate

a piece of failure

a piece of disappointment

a piece of weakness

cancelled mission

new year, new start

mission restarted

self-hate

lose weight

goals you have to achieve

goals you can't achieve

goals you must proceed

con...

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I don’t even know who I am looking at in in mirror,

I see a different version of me in different places.

Sometimes I feel disgusting

I feel guilty after eating what I need to eat

Each day that I weigh myself I don’t know really feel like the number is right.

I don’t know what I actually look like.

I see the same body I u...

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I can not depend on my moods, 
This is why I depend on food.
Good days, bad days, the pain stays,
The food I eat takes me away.

I used to be fat and then went slim,
Now the fat creeps back in.
Self esteem is what I lacked,
Food is slowly making me fat.
The mirror is no friend of mine,
The image I see is not mine. 

The dismal day portays my mood,
and then 'BOOM' I run back to food.
...

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Your hands have turned to catacombs
& you don’t know when exactly but sometime last month the last of your violets wilted in the hollows of your collarbones.
You’ve got spiderwebs for eyelashes the pupils of a black widow
and when they ask you if you’re okay, you explain you haven’t eaten much today

you smile with brittle-boned teeth.
Your heart feels unsteady in the way that it just won’t ...

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Stomach is empty
Weight falling like fat raindrops.
Still is not enough.

Backdated 4/11/19

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Building brick walls

to climb

and pretend to fall

cutting short a lifetime

Bricks I haul

covered in grime

pushing back the urge to bawl

at the memories of war crimes.

I smile at passerbys

and give an enuthastic wave

pretending to not be shattered by

the man who dug my grave.

I'd rather see

the expected conclave

between myself and the galaxy

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I am not the fat girl

I am not the skinny girl.

I am both.

I am both the bingeing in the night

And the starving from pure fright.

I am both

In the mirror I am both.

I am the always too thin pile of bones

And the body too big to call home.

I am both.

In the shops I am both.

I am the girl who is too curvy to wear cute clothes

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Staring up at his ceiling fan, thinking about this disgrace
Looking in his closet door mirror, with this horrid weed that was laced. 
Sending me into a trance of pure disgust
I have to stop this now, it’s most certainly a must. 
I walked out the door 
With no kiss goodbye 
He turned around so fast 
Like the quickest speed of light. 

My heart pounding as we speak 
I’ve gotten to a Cert...

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-To all the girls who love their beautiful  curly hair: 

Life just didn’t treat you fair. 

You started off as a soft delight 

then darkness grew, as the nights took flight. 

They screamed at you with venom, 

So you hid from their mighty bite

You ran home crying, 

because a bully tried to put up a fight. 

Coming home with mascara running down your face, 

because...

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(spoken wordy angsty teenagery type poem; a work in progress)

I just need a friend
someone to turn to,
but what's the point in a friend if that friend isn't you?
Yiu see, i've got my demons
but you've got yours too.

You've got problems with the scale and you hair smells stale from all the cigarettes you smoke to curb the cravings
anf your stomach growls, begs, pleads.
But no amount of ...

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Control Food

I don’t know when it started
When food became an issue
I remember how life was
I was diagnosed as dyslexic
After my Mum sent me for a private test
Although the School didn’t want to accept it
They didn’t want to help
Budget issues, staffing and resources
Excuses, excuses, excuses
My Mum fought their disbelief
Craving the help and guidance I needed
I heard...

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