(I always felt left out to hear of other people, often, youngsters, who had various "syndrones" or "disorders".  Well, now I can join them  I have Restless Leg Syndrome or RLS as it is abbreviated.  It's like having little spurts of electricity shoot up your legs at night that cause me to involutarily kick out. My mam used to say her "legs were going without me".)

 

This old age dream isn't hard to beat

My knees are stiff so I use Deep Heat

I've ill-fitting dentures – I can't chew my meat

I get bad swelling in my ankles and feet.

I need a bladder bag so that I might

Get to sleep right through the night.

 

I can't see the telly and I can't hear the phone

My only pleasure is to have a good moan

I wear a pad cos my willy leaks

I've forgot the past and my future's bleak

I get RLS when I turn off the light

I get Old Age Kicks right through the night.

 

I've got angina and hypertension

I've got a bus pass and I've got Old Age Pension

My memory now has started decaying –

Now what was that I was saying?

I just get older just get balder too

I've lost my dentures so now I cant chew.

 

I moan it's too hot and I moan that I'm cold

I push in at queues “because I am old”

I''ve got arthritis and various pains

My leg's like a road map with its varicose veins.

I get RLS when I turn off the light

I get Old Age Kicks right through the night.

 

I seem surprised to have to pay at the tills

My cupboards are filled with boxes of pills

I piss down my front like men of my age

But still persist in wearing trousers in beige.

I get RLS when I turn off the light

I get Old Age Kicks right through the night.

 

I'm deaf as a post without my hearing aid

My skin has sagged and now my hair has greyed

I've lines round my eyes and lines round my mouth

And other bits are all hanging south

I've a frozen shoulder and my left leg's lame

I use a scooter and a zimmer frame.

 

I get RLS when I turn off the light

I get Old Age Kicks right through the night.