Ten years ago when Daughter No2 was a student at Nottingham Trent University she took a part-time job at Primark.  Until this happened.

The lights were all dimmed, they’d cashed the tills

The staff had gone home, their usual drill

A day uneventful without any thrills

In fact a bit of a bore

Till,

            Sammy got locked in the store.

She’d waited till shift-end ...

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And So This Is Brexit

You’ve found out at last

For what you all voted

Four years in the past.

For four years I’ve ribbed you

That you didn’t know

For what you had voted

You told me “Not so!”

You now have your answer

But here is the joke

I’m willing to sell you

My pig in a poke.

Just send me your payment

To purchase my swine

I’ll send you yo...

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Prompted by a pub in Leeds of the same name.  It is more intriguing not to know what they are.

One for vengeance, one for blood

Watching, waiting, ever still;

By a pulsing body stood,

Hooded, The Three Hulats.

Two for Death and two for Life

Dancing in between those scales;

Arbiters of Pain and Strife,

Grinning, The Three Hulats.

Three to row our very souls

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It’s Friday before Christmas, with God’s help you might see through

The Saturnalian orgy of the Office Christmas Do.

The booze flowed free and freely, the dancing not as good;

We’d just been singing “Feed The World” while scoffing Christmas pud.

Cassandra took her panties off (What a sport she’s been)

I hoiked her for a photo on the copier machine.

And Malcolm...

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I only realised quite recently how frequently I make reference in the pantheons of my literature to my kids.  Love and pride, of course, are the prompts but there is another dimension which, I suspect, differentiates my pride from other fathers.  And that is that neither of my kids are quite right in the head.  It is a Mallen characteristic they have inherited from Yours Truly.

Daughter No 2, h...

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Vaccine, vaccine, vaccine, vaccine,

Please hurry up before I come to harm.

Vaccine, vaccine, vaccine, vaccine,

Please get a shift on – stick it in my arm.

On the leader board to vaccinate

I’m in Group 5 at 68

In front of most but still behind a few;

A huge relief I must confess

So hats off to the NHS

I cannot wait to shuffle up the queue.

They make me laugh ...

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An inferior attempt at Sebastian Faulks's "A Fool's Alphabet".  I welcome better suggestions.

A for Bull

B for Given

C’s Firing

D for Kate

E’s a Peasy

F for And Ever

G’s on Toast

H to his Own

I for Big ‘Un

J for Archer

K for the Door

L’s a Poppin’

M for Sizing

N for Mouse

O for a Barrel

P for Rate

Q for a Bus

R for Daley

S for Rantzen

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I know I shouldn't but I'm rather looking forward to what comes next.  (A painful lesson in Negotiation for Beginners for you Brexiteers).

I saw him today with von der Leyen

He went to collect your “easy deal”

He’s back with his bucket good and empty

I hope he liked his last EU meal.

This was your turkey “oven ready”

Set to Gas Mk IV and ready plucked

The “easiest de...

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The main disadvantage to wearing this mask

As in it my fizzog I cram

It’s not steaming up; the ladies can’t see

Just how good looking I am.

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It’s a matter of no small pride to me that I’ve been considered awkward all my life.  Teachers, employers, relatives, friends and enemies alike will all concur.  So it was with some surprise that Daughter No 2 came up with a plan which even I had to admire – to piss folks off even after I was dead.

To understand the beauty of this I need to tell a little back-story.

During the floods and sto...

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How many votes in the states does it take

To convince you Big Baby has lost?

How many times will he shaft you with lies

Before you see you’ve been double-crossed?

And how many times will he claim that he won,

The price of democracy the cost?

The answer my friends is he is so thick skinned

Your POTUS will piss into the wind.

How many staff will he fire till he gets

A...

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What a nonsense this is; that someone as rich as Croesus like me should be eligible.  The reason is because it’s a universal payment, the only qualifications being that you are over state pension age and lived in the UK for at least one day in the last week of September.

You don’t even need to be alive. My dad qualified and he was dead. (Both he and the Government will have been gratified to kn...

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On a visit to the Morrison’s I took a bloke to task -

The dozy twat had no idea of how to wear his mask;

He wore it underneath his nose; I asked him in the shop

If he wore his underpants with his prick flopped out the top.

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As a 50’s Baby Boomer I was an early beneficiary of the newly created Welfare State.

Certainly the country was still in the arms of post-war austerity and as a whelp I caught the tail-end of rationing and will have gobbled down my fair share of powdered eggs and Ostermilk.

But of the many upsides were the provisions of the 1944 Education Act which cradled me through infant, junior and second...

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I’ve been thinking of my grandad who had fought in World War 1

He went but went reluctantly to meet the Bosch head on;

Emerging from the trenches, a Lee Enfield in his hand

To play at “Shoot-my-bollocks-off” across that No Man’s Land.

I also think about my dad who sailed Pacific seas

On Royal and Merchant Navy ships to fight the Japanese,

In fear of planes’ and submarines’ t...

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Every schoolboy (at least of my generation) knows the answer.  The Gresley A4 Pacific 4468, “Mallard”, of course. 126mph in 1938.

Quite right.  But what is less commonly known is how tenuous is its claim to the title. 

Two years earlier, Germany’s Borsig DRG Series 005, Locomotive 02, attained 124.5mph – clearly second best.

Until you consider, that is, that the Mallard record was attaine...

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This certainly bears repetition today.

Priti's been catty

To her staff, they say

Driving them batty

Both by night and day

She's a bully
Tory bully
She's a bully
Tory bully
She's a bully


Her mood's always ratty

Their life's been hell

Who's driving them scatty?

That's Priti Patel

She's a bully


So I wrote this ditty

To spead the smell

That Priti's...

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I'm afraid the werewolf I got to do the howling had a bit of a sore throat.

I was walking by the cut in West Haddlesey

I saw 2 pairs of red eyes staring straight at me

The moon was bright and full.  What could they be?

I’ve read about that stuff that goes bump in the night

And things that aren’t quite dead with a niche appetite

Whose smile is enough to give a dentist a ...

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For the uninitiated, when a dance is called a Paul Jones it means it becomes progressive; that is, you pass your partner on to the next gentleman in front of you and inherit the partner of the gentleman behind you.  This is what used to pass for dogging.

We started at seven with everything fine

The Old People’s dance would be over by nine

We were lovely and cuddly, wise and benign

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I miss the man that I used to be

That athletic man that used to be me

For when I was young

I was tireless and strong

I miss the man that I used to be

The man I see in the photos of him

Is tall and muscular, dark and slim

But this was a past

Forbidden to last

I miss the man that I used to be

And little in confidence did he lack

His hair so sleek and Sicili...

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Big Baby used to twitter all night long

He ranted loud and he blustered strong

He posted through the early hours with his lies

Tables turned and now it’s his turn to cry.

Because he used to bluster but it’s all over now.

I used to read my ipad in the mornings and said
“That fat orange bastard is still off his fucking head”

His red caps could be found in every redneck town

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As if I needed any further reminder

Of my ageing and mortality

Than a glance at a mirror

Someone told me

That we now stand

Further away in terms of time

From Sergeant Pepper

Than Sergeant Pepper stood

From the end of the First World War.

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Like I was telling you, it was through my affair with Marianne Faithfull that I met with The Rolling Stones.

It was common knowledge that she and Mick had been having a fling for some time.  But she told me once as we lay in bed with our chicken that she found his lovemaking a little unimaginative.  Mick took this badly at first and entered a period of deep depression, one symptom of which reve...

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I’m a loser.  I’m a loser.

And I’m not what I appear to be.

 “I was 10 yards clear on the track’s final bend

How can it be that I lost in the end?

We were three goals up near the end of the game

How come we lost?  I hold someone to blame?

The score should stand once that I was in front

It’s just not fair.”  says some fat, mardy person.

I’m a loser.  I’m a loser.

And...

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“Why don’t you leave your boots on?”

She said, as I walked through the door,

“There’s nothing to spoil in the kitchen;

There’s nothing to spoil on the floor”.

And later on in that evening

As I kissed her softly I said,

“Why don’t you leave your boots on?

There’s nothing to spoil on the bed”

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They've been again.  A hardy perennial.

Little Bastards, trick or treating

Little Bastards bloody cheating

Gave them sweeties, gave them money, gave them popcorn when they came

Little Bastards, trick or treating

Little Bastards need a beating

I got dog doo on my doorknob, I got dog doo

Just the same.

Little Bastards took my money

Little Bastards thought it funn...

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Americans are reluctant to remember (or keen to forget) that whole towns were loyal to the British Crown during the War of Independence.  The most notable of these was New York.   (But don't mention it to your cabbie there)

They fled from the murrain that fell on East Ham

By Plymouth and Boston they brought us

And on to this place they called New Amsterdam

To sire we grandsons and...

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It could have been the greatest opportunity of our time for us to “step up to the plate”, as they say, and prove ourselves the match of those generations who have gone before us.

Fathers, grandfathers and great grandfathers responded to their duty (no doubt, reluctantly) shouldering responsibilities to endure extremes of discomfort and sacrifice.

We have failed. We have failed both ourselves...

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It is a well guarded miltary secret that there is a parallax or three-dimensional hole in number sequences. The most used of these is the 29th parallax which is vital for the technology of stealth bombers and other invisible "phenomena".  At the risk of alerting the CIA that this is now in the public domain, I shall try to demonstrate as simply as I can the 29th parallax. (This is the only truly t...

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Worldwide fans of mine will recollect this re-post from my original of 2016 when His Trumpness became POTUS. You may also be aware that the emblem of the Republican Party is an elephant. Sometimes these things fall into your lap from Heaven.

One dark day a Republican caucus came

And brought a belligerent elephant and Donald was his name;

Now today he’s plying his dirty tricks

Desp...

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A re-post from 2013 and featuring Yours Truly on slide guitar.  I have not had any offers yet.

I want a WriteOutLoud woman to do anything in the world for me

I want a WriteOutLoud woman to do anything in the world for me

She could lick my piece into shape; I mean my poetry.

I’d take down her pantoums and jiggle her spondees for fun

She’d mouth both my rondels and my phaleu...

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A chant I have not heard for almost 60 years.

Playtime was fun and frightening and formative at primary School.  It was a Boys School and play reflected that.

Ad hoc games of football were being played up and down and across the yard.  Picture Manchester United playing Manchester City at Old Trafford while Tottenham played Arsenal across the pitch and several pockets of unrelated kick-a-bout...

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It is with deep regret that I have to tell you that Notcutts Garden Centres have removed the benefit of two free coffees per month from their £12 Loyalty Card.  Gone are the days of two cream teas for £3.50.  It prompted me to dig this out from my Greatest Hits album.

Can any treat make me a more content man

Than clotted cream, scone and blackcurrant jam?

At mid-afternoon on a fine E...

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In 1999 a retired Ohio car worker (but Ukrainian by birth), John Demjanjuk, was accused of being one of the Trawniki at Sobibor concentration camp. These were Eastern European collaborators who assisted in the extermination of Jews on behalf of the Nazis.  He was extradited to Germany to stand trial for war crimes and subsequently found guilty and sentenced to 5 years imprisonment.

But it has a...

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(Day 8 of our 14-day Track and Trace self-isolation)

Crowds that drift their way down the street

Neighbours, friends and relatives that we can’t meet

Just watching the world from this window seat

We ain’t going nowhere.

Oo-wee the beer’s running dry

But tomorrow’s the day that the groceries come

Oo-wee, time ticks by

Slowly in the easy chair.

The garden’s ...

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Of all the things that you’ve ever taken for granted the most wondrous is You.

It’s a pretty good bet that you have never considered how truly amazing you are.

You are made up of billions of atoms, totally inert, lifeless and indestructible.

They have been totally inert, lifeless and indestructible since time began.

They will continue to be so until time runs out.

But for one tiny f...

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My dad got me the job at the pit.  It was a good system.  You knew if you didn’t behave yourself your dad would get to find out and at 17 I wasn’t too old to get a thick ear off him.  What’s more, if you weren’t up to much it would reflect badly on him.  I was one of an intake of half a dozen “juveniles”, all boys – women were prevented from working underground by law.

The first week was spent ...

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There is a counselling trauma line set up for Manchester United fans on 0161 616161.

Oh Happy Day

When Son Heung-min

I said when Son Heung-min

He blew United away.

And Harry Kane

He scores when he wants

I said he scores when he wants

He got a brace today.

What can you say?

We stuffed you for six

Yes we stuffed you for six

It’s such a Happy Day.

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For those of you with a less artistic bent than my good self I thought I would critique Rubens's masterpiece The Three Gracie Fields with a masterpiece of my own. A couple of the hoes are single mums already and have shamelessly brung their whelps along to the shag fest - a scene re-enacted most Saturday nights in the backyard of The Cock and Pullet, Donny.

An expanse of alabaster

Makes...

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I confess that the transphobia kerfuffle with JK Rowling largely passed me by, so I’ll admit to being a bit shaky on the facts of the story.  As I understand it, JKR lampooned the fabricated terminology and imagery of menstruation rather than calling a spade a “woman” and for this she was accused of transphobia.

Let me say from the off that I have no issue with anyone getting a new willy or fan...

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It’s cold and grey

In Cayton Bay;

It’s coming, there’s no doubt;

For no-one braves

The North Sea waves;

Best get the gansey out.

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I am amused by conspiracy theories.  Well, not the theories themselves which are unsubstantiated bollocks but by conspiracy theorists.

My son-in-law-to-be is one.  Nothing passes him by – the moon landings, JFK’s assassination, crop circles and, of course, Covid 19.  At first it was 5G signal masts, now it’s lab-produced in China for the purpose of bankrupting the West.

And I love it.  I lik...

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Me and Our Gert aren’t the soppy, sentimental types that go overboard with posh cards that cost a quid or more for each other.  But seeing as it was our ruby wedding anniversary a couple of weeks ago I thought it might be a bit off if I didn’t get her a card at least.

Unfortunately, I forgot.

Luckily, she keeps a stack for all eventualities in the sideboard – weddings, birthdays, In Deepest ...

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A re-post from a few years ago.  The George and Dragon is shut now.

Tuesday night at the G & D

Quiz and supper for 50p

Will we win?  We’ll have to see

When the marking’s done.

The team’s the same usually

Comprised of friends and family

All G & D devotees

We don’t half have some fun.

Besides myself there’s Phil and Glen

(We knock on questions 1 to 10)

Glen...

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A re-post from my Greatest Hits Volume 1 collection to mark the start, meteorologically speaking, of Autumn.

The scene was a canvas autumnal

Not yet with crimson and gold,

The swirl of the dead leaves so pitiful,

Life’s paucity there to behold;

When adding itself to the monochrome

Of the blacks and whites and the greys

Came hopping along a lone magpie,

Out of the mist ...

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Here’s something that you never knew you needed.

It’s a contoured cushion that you place between your thighs to help with your leg posture while you’re asleep.  The idea is that it keeps your legs (specifically your tib and fib) parallel while you are asleep on your side.

You shove it tight underneath your crotch.  And at £19.99 it’s not to be sniffed at.

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I pride myself on living by a code from days gone by

When gentlemen were gentlemen – at least, I always try;

But times and attitudes have changed from when I was a youth

I often feel quite left behind; this verse will offer proof.

While shopping at the local Spar I’d bought a thing or two

And patiently I waited for my turn within the queue;

I stood behind a woman, quite attr...

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We really did have a pet caiman called “Snappy”, although “pet” is a bit strong; it didn’t come when you whistled or fetch sticks.  And “we” was my brother-in-law.  But it really did live in a tank in our front room and stopped passers-by in their tracks.

It was about 3 feet long when we gave it to Flamingoland, with half its length being tail.

We fed it on raw meat but, from time to time, o...

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A re-post from days when I had good dreams.

I woke excited this morning.

You know, excited down there;

I’d dreamt of us being together,

Aroused by the scent of your hair.

We walked hand-in-hand so slowly

Soaked to the bone by the rain

Its rivulets streamed down your forehead

We laughed and were twenty again.

The street turned into a bedroom

So seamless ...

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With our 40th wedding anniversary ominously looming, a love poem to the lovely but irascible Mrs C.  A courageous re-post.

You’ll not know what’s going on

She’s been so quiet all night long

A proper lady to wine and dine

But very soon she’ll probably decide to throw a wobbly

She gets crazy, crazy, crazy when she’s Out of Wine.

Crazy, crazy, crazy when she’s Out of Wine

I ...

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