Yo hear me now; yo lissen hear

It’s time to wrap dis time o year

So all yo sisters an yong bloodz

Spread de word ararnd yo hudz

So trolleys up an baggies darn

An turn dat Burby cap ararn

An wrap

Ye wrap

An all dem Aldiz an best dealz

Gimme what yo got fo realz

Scent fo sis, dem socks fo bro

An Advoca fo ma fo sho. Yo!

Check out yo knowin which is which

D...

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A week in Lanzarote has brought it home to me how much I miss having the kids on holiday with us.

Not as they are now.  Christ, no! but when they were children.

I get a recurring picture in my mind of the four of us lugging our cases – me with the big, big one, Judy with the little, big one, Sarah with the big, little one and Samantha with the little, little one.

We looked like a tra...

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(It's that time again for a tired old re-post)

As the snow flies -

Cos it’s Christmas here in Haddlesey

And Santa sits underneath his tree

In the Grotto.  (In the Grotto)

Eating warm mince pies.

And if there’s one thing that he don’t need

It’s another squawking kid running off its lead

In the Grotto.  (In the Grotto)

As the kiddie cries.

People don’t yo...

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Hey there, Vagina! In my teens I spent my wages

Buying dirty mags with photos of you on those sticky pages,

Some air-brushed

While others were magnificently bushed

On the tush.

Hey there, Vagina! To my mates I lied with laughter

Well enough to win a BAFTA about all the girls I’d shafted;

There was Jean

And Jill and Jacqueline and Josephine

(I was 14).

Oh, wh...

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I miss the man that I used to be

That athletic man that used to be me

For when I was young

I was tireless and strong

I miss the man that I used to be

The man I see in the photos of him

I tall and muscular, dark and slim

But this was a past

Forbidden to last

I miss the man that I used to be

And little in confidence did he lack

His hair so sleek and Si...

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Before you put them away neatly coiled last year you checked them and they worked.

You took them out this year and they have inextricably entangled themselves; and they don’t work.

You wonder why, but you needn’t.  The answer is in the name, Fairy Lights.  It is, of course, the fairies who make them work.

But where ever there are fairies there are hobgoblins and it is their work to s...

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(With an enormous nod to Mike Harding and the very under-rated Doncaster bard, Steve Womack - check him out on YouTube)

For our first date I had a plan

I didn’t think you’d bring your Naan

I asked you what it was your Papadum

You said your Pa Paratha go

Which means your Marsala lone

Then I felt some pressure building in my bum.

I blame that Prawn Vindaloo

And Chin...

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Will they come through the darkness? Will they come?

Or screaming with the dawning of the sun?

Is it time to fire the beacon?

Lest men’s resolve should weaken

Should we tell the boy to beat the battle drum?

Does that eastern glow mean Jarrow’s over-run

And presages the stinking Viking scum?

To visit us with thunder

To pillage, rape and plunder

Returning thence ...

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(For Paul and Shirley Torkington of the George and Dragon, West Haddlesey)

I’m wantin to go out wiva girlie

Er name is Shirley

Er air is nice an soft to touch

An also short an curly.

But Shirl’s already got a bloke

The bastard’s name is Pauly

E does the quiz on Tuesday nights

But does it very slowly.

Here we go 2 3 4

Shirley don’t you want me

I ...

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Do you suppose

that your God

and my God

are the same God?

Or if they aren't

that they get along

just fine?

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Bonfire Nights always bring back memories of less Health & Safety-conscious days of my youth.

In those days municipal bonfires were rare.  Most householders set their own in their back garden.

De rigueur were spuds wrapped in clay (mud substituted but was useless) and roasted on the edge of the fire.  Contemporaries will remember this dewy eyed.  Don’t be taken in.  They were absolute r...

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(Too many references to explain.  A toast I did on a friend's 50th)

It’s time for me and you to do our stuff

And listen to my poem you’ll think is duff

So check your tie and check your flies

And wipe the tears from your eyes

This must come as a big surprise

You’ve hinted long enough!

He is the baby of the Williams brothers

But didn’t get the brains of all the othe...

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Royal Bank of Scotland

When will we see our cash again?

You needed a bailout

From every citizen

Your shares that’s trading

At £3.60

We bought at a fiver

So when, oh when?

Royal Bank of Scotland

Your sins are great and so well known

Mis-selling insurance

And crippling toxic loans

And all with our money

That went to the bailout

S...

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(A re-post for Hallowe'en)

The mission’s not impossible; it is not even hard;

I just enact the script for Him - a player, nothing more;

It’s happened in the future once it’s become His Word,

Which is to purge creation of the Babylonian Whore.

She worms her way through history, corrupted to the core;

In Adam’s fated fall from grace his gender she infects;

...

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“The further west you go, the nearer you get to the Far East”.

A Victor Borge joke.  Not only ironic but, if you think carefully about it, a challenge to out accepted perceptions of cartography.

Consider, for example, if you bought a map of the world in China; where would China be?  On the extreme right (East) as we portray it or in the middle as we portray ourselves?

By that ...

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(Afficionados may recollect Fireball XL5 and the incomparable Steve Zodiac)

I wish I was a statesman, famous and renowned

And not a numb nonentity, the dullest dude around;

It’s all imagination, I’ll never reach the stars

They say I’m just a sillyman

Ed Milliband

A lightweight never destined to go far.

I’ve ended up as leader – a surprisingly close shave

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And prior to this the wedding guests

Arrive bedecked in Sunday best

The groom and ushers like cock birds

Winking, whispering knowing words

At length appears this Wednesday’s queen

Alighting from her limousine

Then with her dress the bridesmaids fussed

Last minute details to adjust

Her father proudly standing by

Subconsciously feels his bow tie

As nervousl...

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I confess I‘m enormously disappointed by the overuse of the word “fuck” in modern writing.

“Wtf?”, “Ffs!”, “LMFAO”.

I’m not offended by it.  Well, not in the sense that it is meant to be offensive.  What dispirits me is the lack of imagination among a group of people who pride themselves on trying to say things in a new way; who otherwise manipulate language so skilfully but choose to p...

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(Inspired by a line in Edward Rutherfurd's "London")

“For these” said the father, “are the things a boy should know.

The hemp for the twine, the yew for the bow

The tracks through the woods where the spirits go

To gauge with the eye through their hips and breasts

The choice of a wifeman for the seed to sow

The laws of the hearth – of meat for the guests

That th...

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I hear that whistle blowing

The match comes to an end;

The backs are disappointed – we fatboys just pretend;

That final 20 minutes just seemed to drag

We trudge towards the touchline

For a beer and fag.

My daddy came to watch me

He said, “I’m sorry son

I didn’t see you with the ball or even see you run”

I said “I never touch it, playing in the pack;

...

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A Venn Diagram is a pictorial representation of shared and unshared relationships between sets.  It comprises overlapping circles, typically three.

An example might show tall men, ginger-haired men and left-handed men.  Some men would be tall but neither ginger nor left-handed (A in diagram 2); some men would be tall and ginger but not left-handed (AB); and some tall and left-handed but not...

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I collect money.  To be specific, I collect coins.  Numismatism, I believe it’s called. 

To be more specific still, I collect £1, £2 and 50p pieces.  Unless you are attentive to such trivia you mightn’t have even noticed they have different faces – most obviously, the Olympic Sports set of 50p’s.

I keep them in a loose-leaf folder with plastic pockets.  The file weighs a ton but probabl...

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I bought a pack of 2 cheesecakes yesterday.  When I got them home I realised just what a triumph of marketing over product they were.

Each of the tubs sat on a transparent plinth inside the cardboard packaging giving the impression they were 50% bigger than they really were.

Rather than feel aggrieved though, I started to give some thought as to how I might adapt the idea, making my gaz...

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I was alarmed by a headline in the Daily Mail last week “You Must Take Off Your Veil”.  A judge had ruled that a defendant was permitted to wear the niqab in court but that she must remove it to give evidence.

His decision didn’t alarm me.  It seemed very sensible.  We all form judgements about the integrity of what we’re being told not just from their speaker’s words but from their demeano...

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(A form poem called an anacreontic)

Here I sit broken hearted

Paid a penny; only farted;

Want some cock fun with my wife? 227845;

While you were all reading this

You’ve splashed your turn-ups with your piss;

Thatcher OUT;

COAL NOT DOLE;

Put your nob inside this hole;

Leave your number if you’re black;

NIGGER’S OUT;

-        But he’ll be back;

...

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Since I’ve been verger at Selby Abbey I’ve encountered, as with any new job, a bewildering volume of jargon.

Church jargon, though, borrows from centuries of history and is therefore richer still.

Today, for instance, I laid and relaid the Eucharist tray with its chalice, paten, purificators, corporal and ciborium.

The first service took place in the quire, the second in the nave, u...

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You passed a man in the street

He was beating his dog

The dog was cowed; its welts bled; its back broken

You said “Someone should do something”

And you did nothing.

You came upon a soldier

He was raping a young girl

She pleaded and cried for her mother

Then she was silent

You said “Someone should do something”

And you did nothing.

You watc...

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I’m the Urbane Statesman; I’m elegant and clean

The dapperest you’ve seen.

I’m the Urbane Statesman with my white shirt and blue tie

The blue-rinse ladies sigh.

I learned from Maggie to project an image that’s clean-cut

And not to wear a donkey jacket like that Michael Foot.

I’ve machoed up my photo-shoots with jogging, drinking beer

But I’m just no...

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I used to protest on them marches

Arms linked with the Trotskyist host

But now I tune in to the Archers

“Them as lives longest learns most”.

I wore all my badges and labels

The shouts and the slogans and words

I learned them just like my times tables

But really I went for the birds.

My passion was not allus honest

I carried the requisite books

...

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(the art of the villanelle...)

I’m pretty sure it was them old Spam Fritters

From out the freezer – 6 months out of date

Which caused my present painful bout of squitters.

I hear your childish sniggers and your titters

While you make fun of something that I ate

I tell you though it must have been Spam Fritters

I’ve often eaten partly uncooked critte...

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(open to all offers...)

I want a WriteOutLoud woman to do anything in the world for me

I want a WriteOutLoud woman to do anything in the world for me

She could lick my piece into shape; I mean my poetry.

I’d take down her pantoums and jiggle her spondees for fun

She’d mouth both my rondels and my phaleucian

We’d make the two-backed couplet until completion.

...

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My neighbours and my friends have lent

Me money in the past

Which, I have to say, I’ve spent

In living loose and fast;

No more, though, will they supplement

(I must say I’m aghast!)

I spent it on commodities

Which reached beyond my means;

Those all-important luxuries

Which populate my dreams

And then become necessities

In life, or so it se...

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(apologies for the accent)

Lord Howell’s a Tory who lives in the south

A silly auld fracker wi’ an ignorant mouth

Accustomed to echoing government lies

How much must it hurt him to apologise?

He’s Lord Howell of Guildford, a twat and a peer

And you will have noticed that he’s not from round here.

I’ll tell ye’s Lord Howell for what it is worth

A...

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Many years ago when I was a student I had a summer job manning the Pitch and Putt hut at the local park.  One of the more entertaining aspects of the job was meeting the O’Dwyers.

The O’Dwyers pre-dated the programme “Shameless” by a good 40 years but its writers must surely have known them.

Of uncertain stock and disparate parentage, they seemed a United Nations mix of Romany, Irish an...

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Come gather people wherever you roam

And admit that my parodies made you all groan

You’ve suffered them bravely and stifled your moans

But secretly felt they were mangy

But now I’m relenting; I’d like to atone

For my rhymes they are a-changin’.

The blogs that I read about “Rhyme” are adverse

The gist is, “It’s dead and belongs in a hearse;

It’s dated,...

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While I was in the newsagent’s the other day I noticed a lonely copy of the “Morning Star”.  (I was in Harrogate, so it might have been the only copy ordered in).

It presented a very amateurish appearance with just eight pages.  But what really astonished me was the price - £1.00, while other papers started at 20p.

Now, of course, that’s because they sell hundreds of thousands of ...

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(The second installment of the saga of the caravan write-off)

Well if you ever plan to motor west

Check your wheel-nuts and do the torque-wrench test:

Don’t end up pricks on Route 46.

We headed down to Cornwall, Gert and me

But stopped halfway quite abruptly

The near-side wheel had left for Coventry.

Well I checked myself first then Our Gert

And...

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There have been other

Bands of brothers –

Of Irish, English, Welsh and Scot

Who brought back plunder

From down under;

Few succeeded; most did not;

Victorious leaders

Sparsely read as

Calder, Johnson, Dawes, McBride;

But we are Lion

Heart of Iron

Bearers of four nations’ pride.

‘77,

‘97,

‘71 and ’89;

That last decider

No...

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(Invited to write a poem for a friend's wedding)

I wrote this poem that I’ll read out

(I think you’ll guess what it’s about)

I’m hoping that I needn’t shout

Above your raucous clamour;

Of course we’ve gathered to convey

Our thanks to Angela and Ray

Above all else, though, we all say

“Good Luck” to Craig and Hannah.

I’m hoping Craig, that you’ll fo...

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(One  I wrote for Buddy Holly, but he never used it) 

Those little things won’t shade your eyes

They’re just meant to accessorize

Ray-Bans – a waste of money

Worn when it’s not sunny, so why buy

Those Ray-Bans?

The way you wear them on your head -

Be cheaper with a cap instead

Ray-Bans – in Tesco’s store soon

Ray-Bans – that cost a fortune when yo...

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(Shadow) 

There’s a constant ache of a memory -

Your eyes, your smile and your hair;

I fell in love with a shadow,

Though, of course, there was nothing there.

The pulse of the thing was enormous

It beat in my head night and day

The piteous joke and pain of it

Was it only travelled one way.

So the pulse throbs on unabated

A secret cross t...

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(A piece of prose/poetry by John Coopey and Lenny Roberts, with some skipping on the audio)

Have you ever wondered how a chant starts at a football match?  Who decides what to sing?  Is it a single person or a group?  How do they persuade 10,000 others to join in?  and what about a new chant?  how does the crowd learn it? are there song-sheets?  Essentially it is a question of natural...

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One wheel on my wagon

So I’m not rolling along

I know you’ll scoff –

Cos one fell off

The holiday

was then passé

Gert’s not singing a happy song.

One wheel on my wagon

You’re better off if there’s two

And though absolved

no-one’s involved

And me and Gert

are both unhurt

But the tailback has formed quite a queue.

(They wer...

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(An old post but as we're nearing mid-summer's day...)

The cradle of all – the living, the dead                                                  

Where Sol and Lahanna hold thrones,                                                 

Where many a sacrifice leached earth red;                                         

The cradle of all – the living, the dead;                    ...

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(I wrote this for The Animals but they never used it)

There is a house on Barlby Road

Not fit to house a tramp;

It’s been the ruin of Our Gert and me –

The cause was rising damp.

The vendors did a bodge job

It looked so neat, so clean

The kitchen walls especially

In Dulux Fresh Stem Green.

Behind the layers of satin lurked

A secret kept ...

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(A very old post from my Greatest Hits Volume 1 album - note the indebtedness to Auden's "mare" imagery)

Slowly - ever so slowly - inching on our way;

Destination Whitby, vivid Autumn day.

Scenery magnificent, weather matching too,

Clouds of alto cirrus, sky of china blue.

Picking up momentum now, further down the line,

Engine snorting like a mare in steady 4...

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(I do hope my latest love song isn't drenched in too much sentimentality)

I thought I could afford her by mail order – she’s my Living Doll

I got the mag to send me bendy Wendy – their best Blow-Up Doll

She’s a gummy granny with a fanny and a real bum-hole

She’s my fornicating and fellating Blow-Up Doll.

I thought I’d better line her sweet vagina back at our hote...

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(I'd never heard the saying until a recent visit there)

The chanting in the cloister

The pealing of the bell,

As sure as God’s in Gloucester

So all with Gloucester’s well.

It’s said that God in Heaven

Benignly chose this place

This city by the Severn

To domicile his grace.

So many towers skywards tilt

As to the clouds they’ve clawed

...

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That was the year it was founded.

Apocryphally, when Benedict of Auxerre sailed up the Ouse three swans (signifying The Holy Trinity) swam out to greet him, signalling the place where his vision of St Germanus instructed him to build his church.  More cynically, perhaps it was one of William the Conqueror’s ways of symbolising his power in the vasta of the North (“I’m here and I’m sta...

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Have you ever been to Filey, can you boast?

It’s a place that I return to more than most;

It’s charmingly well-hid,

South of Scarborough, north of Brid,

A secret haven on the Yorkshire coast.

Take the Scarborough road from York and head out East.

When you leave at Folkton traffic has decreased.

“Halfway there!” Dad quips quite dryly

When, in fac...

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