(One of those defining moments in a lifetime when anyone old enough can recall what they were doing.  We were all doing the same thing - shitting ourselves.  Its 50 year anniversary in 2012.) 

I’d never heard my mum or dad speak like that before;

“Shut up!” they shouted as we played upon the kitchen floor;

This photograph of memory will live for evermore.

An ov...

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(Blogged last year but worth a repeat if only for the picture) 

My Santa you will never see upon your Christmas card,

The counterpart of Pere Noel: his brother, Pere Fouettard.

I know if I’m a good girl that his presents will be mine;

Le Pere Noel will visit me, avuncular, benign.

But if I’ve let my standards slip and been a naughty gel

There will be no Chris...

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(Flash Fiction, with an enormous nod to Bernard Cornwell)

Wednesday is Mid-Winter Solstice.  This holds no spiritual significance for me but I respect any for whom it does. 

To the sensibilities of our cossetted ears this was grisly business.  To those watching, though, this was a thing of glory – a glory greater than battle, glory which brought men close to the gods.

Th...

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 (I'd love to do this)

As he handled vegetables

And fruit from foreign lands,

Contaminating mangoes with

Secretions from his glans

I’d bellow down a megaphone

As loud as I could stand,

“This dirty bastard’s has a piss

And hasn’t washed his hands”.

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A letter I sent to my kids when they were just old enough to realise that you could never find Clark Kent when Superman was around!

Dear Sarah and Samantha,

It’s been a while I know since I came to Chapel Haddlesey to see you.  Ho ho ho!

I used to drop your presents off on wintry Christmas Eve; I’d scoff a sherry and mince pie then hurriedly we’d leave.  We wouldn’t want to ge...

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   (My dancing is worse than my singing!)

“Sweet Angel Gabriel, loyal and trusted servant,

More than all of this, though, to me, my friend”

Thus spoke the Lord as he whispered his message

“From Heaven down to Earth you must descend”.

Proud to be chosen from all of the angels

Trusted to carry his glory to Earth

News of a son for his friend and his Master

To ...

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The Soviet BMD-1 growled to a halt in front of Akram, scattering his long-haired goats.  The tank commander shouted.  Akram shrugged his incomprehension but recognised the word “Mujihadeen”.  Akram was a goatherd of around 11 years of age. 

Three infantrymen emerged from the rear of the tank, spaced themselves out and trained their weapons upon him.  Two stood back while the thi...

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A celebration of a friend's 21st birthday; someone who used to visit us a lot until he got a girlfriend.  (We were a 2nd family for him).  With far too many references to explain.

Things have never been the same

Since them days when Tommy came                           

To visit us, behaving with aplomb;

At the table, still the wife,

Sets a place with fork and kn...

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 (Bugger Political Correctness....

      .......and anyway, a true story about my mate Glen.

'E read 'is paper front to t'back

I sez to 'im “Tha mu'n't”

A man should read 'is newspaper

Allus t'back to t'front.

You start wi' all the footy news-

Which manager's fo' t'sack

Then t'cricket scores and t'oss-racing

Then start advancin' back.

It...

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 (Bugger Political Correctness....

      .......and anyway, a true story about my mate Glen.

He read his paper front to t'back

I said to him “Tha mu'n't”

A man should read his newspaper

Allus t'back to t'front.

You start with all the footy news-

Which manager's for t'sack

Then t'cricket scores and t'horse-racing

Then start advancing back.

...

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I feel it pulling, pulling me

A real magnetic force

Spanning place, transcending time,

Nostalgia the cause;

A siren incantation

To pass through history’s doors.

Deep within this grey-haired man

A twelve year old lives still

Recalling the excitement

Anticipating till

The 7 o’clock Brittania

Came heaving up the hill.

The cutting ha...

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Those crazy Normans brought a notion

To Pevensey Bay

It involved our demotion

And I don’t mean pay;

If your hairdo is flaxen

It’s a give-away

Then you must be Saxon -

Serfin’s here to stay.

You might have lorded the Manor

Been an Earl or a gent

Coat of arms or a banner

And owned half of Kent

We’re taking over your country

You Saxon...

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 (inspired to post by Harry's excellent blog "Bon Voyage")

We got this aspidistra

on our wedding day

I don’t recall who gave it

– much to my dismay;

Which makes it 30 this year,

 while you are 22

I’ve split it many times since then,

 as soon we’ll split from you;

As you start your second life

 –new home, new man, new job;

So I’ve split off two s...

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I bought me a half set of golf clubs

A putter, five irons and a driver

You can get some good stuff at the Boot Sale

They cost me nigh on a fiver!

I fancied a round at the Golf Club

Then luckily I remembered

My two golfing buddies, Colin and Glen,

Are both Committee Members.

It’d rained on and off that morning

You needed the clothing that sui...

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I’ve never been as cold as when I rode a motorbike

My feet like blocks of ice and frozen shins

Stopping every mile or two to rub unfeeling thighs

And warm my hands through mittens on the fins.

I had a Beezer Bantam I bump-started on a hill

I’d ride it into work through frost and snow

So cold my hands and fingers they, by dinnertime, would still

Be numb an...

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 (with apologies to Marlene Deitrich)

Vertav alle ze vishiz gon?

Long time passink

Vertav alle ze vishiz gon?

Long time ago

Vertav alle ze vishiz gon?

Otta ettam ezri one

No mor vill zay return

No mor vill zay return

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The photo tells the story

As only pictures can

About the time some years ago

The Boy met with The Man.

The Boy was Billy Bremner -

He looks about to cry;

The schoolyard bully held to task;

The Man was Dave Mackay.

Each held a reputation

But paid each no regard,

While Bremner was plain dirty

Mackay – well, he was hard.

Thoug...

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A bloke's back brake block broke

"It's burned bright brown and black.

My brake block's broke" said the bloke

"I'm bringing the blighter back".

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We thank Thee, Lord, for these rare gifts -

Such pleasures in one day!

Man United stuffed at home

And Tottenham win away.

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The Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and carrots for your eyes -

We told the kids when they were small a right old pack of lies.

But some were more inventive, if not a little queer,

Which kept them quiet or saved us brass for 6 or 7 years.

A ringing, jaunty jingle means the ice-cream van’s about;

We said that when he played his tune it meant he’d just run out!

Time ...

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(For those who remember the Letters pages of soft porn mags like Penthouse, Mayfair and Men Only.  This phrase populated every letter!).

Dear Fiona Millicent, I write about an incident

Which happened on a golfing holiday I took in Troon

I’d mentioned to the hotel staff

The unmade bed, the dirty bath

The Manager said he’d address the matter very soon;

So shortly aft...

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They reckon a man needs an ‘obby

To balance ‘is work, rest and play;

An’ also there’s summat about Idle ‘Ands

And keepin' the devil at bay.

Meself, I’ve tried some pastimes and games

But just when I get in the groove

Our Gert makes ‘er views abundantly plain;

It’s clear – Our Gert don’t approve!

I ought to provide some examples

To substantiate jus...

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(Forgive the repetition of an earlier blog but I felt the need to offer respect and condolences to those in grief at Gleision in an industry I worked in for 20 years.)

As choking we emerged to sight, each blinking in the morning light

Not thinking that we ever might have seen the sun again;

By the pit gates loved ones waited, praying to their God that fate would

Hand us ba...

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(This is what the NHS is for)

I thought I’d address my wobbly gut

And give liposuction a try

Cos slimming alone wouldn’t do what I want

And this is my main reason why.

It’s not that I want to lower my weight

I’m perfectly happy to stick

I just want to redistribute some of my fat

By having it pumped in my prick.

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(A rare excursion for me into free verse - or as I prefer to call it "prose-chopped-up-into-little-lines")

The Dream-Spinner held aloft his prize.

The vanquished fled from the yurt.

Cheku growled his disdain.

Three times Cheku had held aloft

The sacred skull

Three times he had condemned

A man to die.

In Cheku’s day a vanquished poet

Did not walk from the y...

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(An homage to the 1919 original by Vaudeville star Bert Williams)

As we wander through life’s corridors

Awaiting our judgement day

The good Lord He sends us his challenges

To test our strength on the way.

But a challenge, of course, as each of us know

So far as we can foresee

Is also enrobed in a different guise –

A fresh opportunity.

I’d gone to ...

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We’ve witnessed special highlights and some awkward moments too

As more than thirty August anniversaries by us flew;

But there’s no-one I would rather spend my life with more than you;

I love you, Judy Coopey, and suppose I always will.

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(Why do all dog owners think think everyone else loves their dog?)

My objections I will chart;

They stink like hell, that’s for a start,

I sometimes blame them for my fart;

I hate your bastard dog.                

On my chair you let it chew,

It jumps up on my sofa too,

I don’t think “Coochy coochy coo";

I hate your bastard dog.

It bit my sh...

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Americans are quick to forget (or embarrassed to remember) that there were whole cities loyal to the British Crown during the War of Independence.

They fled from the murrain that fell on East Ham

By Plymouth and Boston they brought us

And on to this place they called New Amsterdam

To sire we grandsons and daughters.

We’re sons of our forefathers, sons of this lan...

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“Caesar et erat forti, Pompeii adsum iam;

Caesar sic in omnibus, Pompeii sic intram”.

Whoever’s said a thousand times that Latin doesn’t rock

Will change their minds when they have heard “Hic haec hoc hunc hanc hoc”.

When we were merely schoolboys our Latin we would mock

The pointless repetitions like “Hic haec hoc hunc hanc hoc”.

And bored to dea...

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There is an insidious force taking over the world.

(A tongue-in-cheek expose),

Ubiquitous, as in a crowd, invisible to sight,

Relentless rolling through the day, anonymous by night

Corporately liveried in red and green and white

Just who can stop the juggernaut that’s Eddie rolling on?

From Tebay up in Cumbria and south down the M6

And every other major r...

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Clothed in gold, in silver, iron,

Secrets safe for evermore;

Mighty Tisza, roaring lion

Here doth lie The Scourge of God.

Gold for Wealth and gold from quarry

A tribute for the gift of life;

Birthright to a king and warrior

Taken from the foes now dead.

Silver for the god of lune-night

Riding over homeland plains

Glint of amulet in moonl...

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(Cat Coffee)

If you’re seeking anaesthesia

You must look to Indonesia

For a coffee that’s the best where e’er you roam;

It will hurt you to cough up

For it’s £50 a cup,

So you’ll need another mortgage on your home.

To produce the perfect roast

There’s a process that they boast

Which enhances all the flavour they can give it;

For the Kopi Luwak...

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Vast and empty resting places

Sleeping Titans stand no more

Vairocana, Sakyamuni

Dust upon the valley’s floor.

Art and beauty simply rubble

Never more gazed on by Man

But,

Timelessly and still serenely

Walk the Ghosts of Bamiyan.

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(.......and now for something completely different.....)

The mission’s not impossible; it is not even hard;

I just enact the script for Him - a player, nothing more;

It’s happened in the future once it’s become His Word,

Which is to purge creation of the Babylonian Whore.

She worms her way through history, corrupted to the core;

In Adam’s fated fall fro...

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When Moses took the tablets

He asked with nervous cough,

“Excuse me, Lord, for saying so,

I think you’ve missed one off”.

Now Moses plays for Leicester,

Renowned for mighty packs,

So said “Thou shalt not give the ball

To Fairies in the Backs”.

And ever since my schooldays

Spent playing tight-head prop

You’d learn to see their fly-half as

A...

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(Here's one I put in the oven before.  It'll have to put me on until I fabricate something new.) 

His spirit walks the terraces on Saturdays at three;

He's in the breezes blowing and the dust-whirls that you see;

That tingling of your hairline's when he touches you and me;

He's here, son; he's here at White Hart Lane.

Today you'd say he played midfield – in those...

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“Why don’t you leave your boots on?”

She said, as I walked through the door,

“There’s nothing to spoil in the kitchen;

There’s nothing to spoil on the floor”.

And later on in that evening

As I kissed her softly I said,

“Why don’t you leave your boots on?

There’s nothing to spoil on the bed”

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As quiet closes end of day

When evening’s calm has gripped us

I set a fire and in it lay

Dried logs of eucalyptus.

A billowing blue smokiness

And flames begin to dance;

The leaves and trees stand motionless,

No breeze to break their trance.

The silence of the setting scene

Occasionally lifts

From traffic from the A19

And screeching o...

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(Who'd have believed 20 years ago we'd have been happy to part with £2.95 for a cup of coffee!)

There’s no more boring chore in life

Than to wait behind your wife

While she’s looking for a handbag or a dress;

Our Gert had thought I’d lost her

But I’d slipped away to Costa

For a coffee while she shopped at M & S.

Since they use a stronger bean

Their Fl...

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The rotten luck of fixture congestion does for Harold G.

Their charges had stalled

Our shield wall had held

As we threw them back down the hill

The battle was won

They started to run

And we poised ourselves for the kill;

“Don’t break from the walls”

We heard the housecaerls

But we wanted them dying and gored

“They still have their horsemen

...

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I’ve got a brand new business plan,

A craze that will endure;

I’ve based it on that fish-tank thing -

That women’s pedicure;

And my idea is similar

The blokes will love for sure;

It still involves a tank of fish;

I call it Penicure.

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An old submission - but  I couldn't resist!

(You never know what the man next to you on the train is thinking).

Pretty, painted, piggy toes Peep shyly through their shoe;

But, pretty lady, I must keep My secret stare from you.

So slyly with more subtlety, A better view to gain,

I turn to your reflection In the window pane.

This private peepshow I enjoy, New t...

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The Rattus Lavatorious

Has habits less than glorious

You'll find it lurking in your toilet bowl

Though you look inside the midden

The rat will be be well hidden

Behind the U-bend – waiting Plop Patrol.

In many Third World Nations

Are diseases, irritations,

The tse-tse fly, mosquito and the midge;

But there's no more pained surprise

Bringing water to...

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(Memories of teenage holidays camping in North Wales)

Nights in Prestatyn

Two weeks without end

Boring as Latin

Drove me round the bend.

My folks tried to tell me

That this beats Southend

Next year they’ll sell me

Ten days in Bridgend.

Dad, how could you?

Mam, how could you?

Oh, oh, oh, how could you?

Nights in Prestatyn

...

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(A Journey of Nostalgia)

I journeyed but once from the old Hucknall Central,

A station now gone on the GCR line;

Its imprint on memory, though, quite monumental

Made mystically precious by passage of time.

The floors and the stairways so basically timbered;

They echoed our footsteps; we ran without stop;

We carried Ian Allans with sequences numbered

A...

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Fergie, Fergie

(Well worth a timely reminder)

Fergie, Fergie, the Spaniards have shafted you

They went through your back four like a Manchester vindaloo

So don’t be a moaning Jonah

You lost to Barcelona

Don’t suck on your teat

Accept your defeat

‘Cos they hammered you nothing to two.

Fergie, Fergie, I’ll sing you this sweet refrain

Barca’s won...

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(the song is Turtle Blues)

You’re welcome to take Timberlake

And that Britney Spears

I’ll send you Lady Gaga too

(Sweet nectar for your ears!)

I’ll trade you all this minstrelsy

To populate your Palace

But please, Sweet Jesus, send us back

The angel that was Janis.

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(Worth a thought)

They took us near Viasma in 1941

Supply lines long since severed, ammunition all but gone.

We numbered 97 boys, all from the Donblass lands

They shot a half of us right then as we raised our hands.

They ordered us to strip our dead beneath that wintery sun

I’ve asked myself a thousand times, “What would you have done?”

...

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(Our local vendor has a distinctive call I thought I should honour)

To cause no offence

We’re coached well, and hence

My compliments would never miss you

We’ve undergone training

So even when raining

We smile as we tout the “Big Issue”.

We would never swear

Nor spit in the air

But hygienically sneeze in a tissue

We’re thought the elite

Of ...

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