I dreamt you were little again;

We were walking through Filey in rain;

You looked so cute in

Your first romper suit;

I dreamt you were little again.

Your mittens were tied through your sleeves;

Your red wellies kicked through the leaves;

Your new woolly bonnet

Had fake fur upon it;

Your mittens were tied through your sleeves.

Were you happier then than you’r...

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(A line stolen from the character played by Jane Horrocks in "The Flint Street Nativity")

Now you’ve heard the story of the Christmas birth,

How God gave a son to the people of Earth;

Yes, you’ve heard the story of the Christ child’s birth;

Well now I add my tuppence to the tale, for what it’s worth.

You know that Mary came to Bethlehem;

They’d come for the census but a...

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(A re-post, but who's counting?)

Yo hear me now; yo lissen hear

It’s time to wrap dis time o year

So all yo sisters an yong bloodz

Spread de word ararnd yo hudz

So trolleys up an baggies darn

An turn dat Burby cap ararn

An wrap

Ye wrap

An all dem Aldiz an best dealz

Gimme what yo got fo realz

Scent fo sis, dem socks fo bro

An Advoca fo ma fo sho. Yo!

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If a man can play away without detection,

If a woman holds a map you know she’s lost;

If a man is lost he’ll never ask direction,

But cannot help but ask how much it cost.

If a shower of steaming shit from a skunk’ll

Make you smell much sweeter than a rose;

If my auntie had a prick she’d be my uncle;

If you’d fingers on your feet then they’d be toes.

Said Cloughie...

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Are there any circumstances in which incestuous sex with a minor is justifiable?

“Of course not!” we’d say.  “That’s sick.”

Max is 14 years old and has Down’s Syndrome.  He is going through pubescent changes to his body and his emotions which he doesn’t understand but which are dramatically and adversely affecting his behaviour, including self-harm and violence towards others.

Other boys ...

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(Pat Boone would turn in his grave if ever he died)

You’d better go home Jose Mourinho

Or get a couple of wins

You’re running out of your excuses

Which were looking pretty thin;

You’re not so Special now Mourinho

You’re feeling sorry for yourself

You’ll get no sympathy from Roman

He’ll just replace you from his wealth.

Jose Mourinho

Your team lost at Stoke

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(This is a re-post from 2013, the time the Commons decided not to take military action against al Assad.  It was feared that to do so might encourage fundamentalist groups to profit.  So that went well.)

You passed a man in the street

He was beating his dog

The dog was cowed; its welts bled; its back broken

You said “Someone should do something”

And you did nothing.

You...

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We didn’t have much money but none of us did then;

I hope we never see those austere times come back again.

But Mam and Dad both did their best for Linda and for me

So once a year we’d take the train for Skeggie-by-the-Sea.

We packed our sheets and blankets and put-ups for our bunks

But worst of all embarrassments we packed the woolly trunks.

The woolly trunks were legend; m...

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We all know the sketch, of course – a scene in the Nag’s Head where Trig is extolling the virtues of his depot broom.  “This old broom has had 17 new heads and 14 new handles in its time”.

Oh, how we laughed.

What is less obvious is the profound metaphysical point he was making.

It’s reckoned that every cell in the human body dies and is replaced within a seven year period.

So jus...

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(In the style of that great wordsmith, Benny Hill)

Now all you blokes that’s courting I know you’ll appreciate

You’re never sure quite what to do the first time on a date.

I asked mine what she fancied; we settled on the zoo

She’d never seen a parrot but she’d seen a cockatoo.

She fed the goats and camels; the fence was set quite low

So she bent over and I caught a glimpse o...

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They filled the little darling up with pop and sticky sweets

Who daubed his sticky fingers on my ipod and my seat

And so threw up the contents of his stomach down my top

So to quieten him they filled him up with sticky sweets and pop.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve never held a grudge against West Ham

But find that I’ve been seated amongst returning fans

Drunken and abusive after E...

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We snatched this dirty Arab boy when he was throwing stones;

He looked so fucking funny making all his moans and groans

As we cracked him with our batons and we broke his fucking bones;

When some people called an ambulance we smashed their mobile phones.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ...

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The scandal of FIFA has just become deeper

We knew that Sepp’s hands were not clean

Now Sepp has confided he’d already decided

The World Cup of 2018.

We knew FIFA’s funding could not have been slushier

As bent as the old nine-bob note

Cos Blatter’s decision to give it to Russia

Was taken before members’ vote.

Old Sepp’s not yet gone

And his tenure passed o...

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I’ve never considered myself a monarchist.  I buy into those arguments about unelected privilege and unearned wealth.

But I was making these points to someone the other day and they said to me, “So who would you have instead?”

“An elected President” I said.

“Like who?”

And there my certainty faded a bit.

I realised that if we’d have abolished the monarchy 40 years ago we’d have...

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(This has always struck me as a rather sexist invention)

We trudged round Designer Outlet

A day full of dull misery

I’d sampled a few cups of coffee

Which meant that I needed a pee.

I nipped to the public convenience

And read all the ads on the wall

Avoiding the one on Viagra

(A bloke was in the next stall).

But then as I left the urinals

I heard from the Ladies ...

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Naar then!  Sithee! Duntbe messin abaart winonna that theear forrinmuck.  Get thissen ta Scarbra forrazguddafotnit as ivverthallev.

Whoa! We’re going to Scarbados

Whoa! Those cloudy Yorkshire skies

99’s at Jaconelli’s

Mushy peas and Pukka Pies.

Whoa! We’re going to Scarbados

Off to play on them slot machines

Show! them ponces in Ibiza

What a Yorkshire Good Time me...

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(As my worldwide fans will know I make, play and sell Cigar Box Guitars)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m first to say “I love the NHS”

A beacon of our Welfare State and free; but nonetheless

If I should see a nurse again you’re quite right to assume

In 40, 50 years or more – well, this would be too soon.

And seeing as you’re interested I’ll tell the reason why;

It’s all to do with w...

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Those hotties from the GDR

Who putt the shot or cleared the bar

Who sprinted over 100 metres

Were truly sexy record beaters;

Marita, Marlies, Silke too

A troika from their relay crew;

Some, of course, had butch-er looks

But compensated, like Ruth Fuchs;

Every one would pass my test

But Heike Drechsler was the best

Blond of hair and muscle-toned

More than once I’ve ...

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A chant I have not heard for almost 60 years.

Playtime was fun and frightening and formative at primary School.  It was a Boys School and play reflected that.

Ad hoc games of football were being played up and down and across the yard.  Picture Manchester United playing Manchester City at Old Trafford while Tottenham played Arsenal across the pitch and several pockets of unrelated kick-a-bout...

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(My own personal humiliation from schooldays. As it happens, green and gold were our school colours and a try was worth 3 points then.  A re-post with a nod to Pam Ayres)

I’d made the team – my dad he was so proud

He didn’t know the rules but cheered out loud

Though I was only 12 years old

I’d made the shirt of green and gold

But then the plan began to fold

84-0.

I r...

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(A Personal Recollection)

I well recall some years ago

Before I had a car and so

I’d caught the bus to go to town

I paid my fare and then sat down;

A woman was sat next to me

(I paid no mind and nor did she);

And so in silence on our way

We journeyed, till I heard her say

“If you don’t eat up” she began,

“I’ll give it to this nice young man”;

I glanced and saw...

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(If ever proof were needed that there is a God)

It took one look to see that you’re

A saucy sow and I am such a boar;

I couldn’t help but get it out

To feel the sweet sensations of your snout.

Babe, I Got You Babe.

No wasted words in idle talk

Just “Open wide and taste my bit of pork”;

You took it all just like a glutton

Then begged for more of Tory uphill mutt...

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(With acknowledgements to Conn Iggulden "Empire of Silver", one of the great writers of historical fiction)

In time as I’m laid to my terminal rest

I pray that there’s courage and peace in my breast;

I pray the Lord grants me, if these be his plans,

The hearts of mine enemies gripped in my hands.

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You’ve had your vote

You’ve had your say;

You voted for

The Corbyn way.

But I’m old enough

To know the score

Cos we’ve been here

Some years before.

The 80’s were

A fucking mess

We argued in

The wilderness

While Maggie made

Her bitter plans:

We played straight into

Maggie’s hands.

And yesterday

Was just a start

Cos now we’ll tear

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My earliest sexual encounter with a man happened when I was 11 years old.

I’d gone to Hucknall Market early one Friday morning to cadge a job with the stallholders.

While I waited for the marketmen to arrive a bloke approached me.  I’d guess he was in his 40’s and I’ve always had the impression that he was a lorry driver.  He asked if I was Peter Croft (a detail I have never forgotten) ...

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(Someone far cleverer than me wrote the title as a 5-word summary of how foreigners view the English - an old post)

I never cease to be surprised while we're on holiday

At the number of occasions that a French waiter would say,

“Hello.  What can I get you?” in perfect Ang-a-lais

How did he know so quick that we were English?

While you're shopping in the mall you see a fami...

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I moan these days about youngsters -

The chavs and the scuzzies and thugs;

Their swearing and gobbing and ASBOs -

Their smoking and drinking and drugs.

But I recollect I was no angel

And partial to that Special Brew

And me and my mate have knocked teeth out

And pissed in a doorway or two.

But I’m sure that time in the 80’s

When we got banged up in a cell

We never...

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(35 years for me and Our Gert)

I splashed out on this greetings card,

It cost me 50p,

I thought that you were worth it,

For putting up with me.

But yours, I know, will cost far more,

(Perhaps a quid or two),

But that’s because I’m worth far more,

For putting up with you.

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I knew, for instance, that just because England won the First Test that it didn’t make Australia a bad side.

I knew, for instance, that there were four more Tests to play and Australia was more than capable of avenging that defeat – in spades.

I also knew, for instance, that a misplaced sense of partisanship for England would affect the betting on pre-Test favourites, Australia.  It did...

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(Glenn McGrath, former great Australian bowler and nowadays commentator, rashly predicted a 5-0 whitewash for Oz in the Ashes series)

It’s Not 5-0 Is It Now, Glenn?

It’s Not 5-0 Is It Now?

You’ve made a dick of yersen, Glenn

It’s Not 5-0 Is It Now?

Cos Broad and Cooky and Root, Glenn

Broad and Cooky and Root,

They gave your boys the Big Boot, Glenn

They gave your ...

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I'm amused by a number of friends who delight in ridiculing Christianity.  Certainly they question the veracity of other religions but ridicule is reserved for Christianilty.

And when I ask myself, “Why?” I reach the conclusion that it's because it's easy; it’s a cheap shot.

Christianity has its zealots, of course, and its wisdom is often questionable but it doesn’t indulge in the types...

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(Forgotten pits of the Barnsley Area of the NCB where I worked)

In a simpler near-off age

We won the coal to earn a wage;

The seams were thin where coal had lain

For centuries at Darfield Main;

The work was hard, the money good

At Denby Grange and Bullcliffe Wood;

Black-eyed pandas left each shift

From Dodworth, Gawber, Royston Drift;

Coal Prep Plants built brand sp...

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("The Three Hulats" is the name of a pub near Leeds.  A previous post)

One for vengeance, one for blood

Watching, waiting, ever still;

By a pulsing body stood,

Hooded, The Three Hulats.

Two for Death and two for Life

Dancing in between the scales;

Arbiters of Pain and Strife,

Grinning, The Three Hulats.

Three to row our very souls

Over waters, over drea...

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(A piece I wrote a couple of months ago.  He is now out of hospital)

Those of us who follow football will no doubt be aware that Wayne Rooney stands 2 goals behind the record number of goals scored for England by Bobby Charlton.  He will, no doubt, shortly break this record and lay claim to the title of England’s Greatest Goalscorer.

A Pretender in my view.

Lying in a hospital bed at...

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(An old post but you can't stint on class)

We started at seven with everything fine

The Old People’s dance would be over by nine

We were lovely and cuddly, wise and benign

It was Christmas and things were so festive

No reason for it to get restive.

But the signs were all there when they brought out the tea

(You all get your cuppa and biscuit for free)

But the shit...

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(A subject I raised in "Discussions" a couple of years ago.  I am indebted to contributors to that thread whose suggestions have formed part of this piece)

These fascinate me.  Words which are married to only one other word.

Take the phrase “a damp squib” in the sentence “the announcement was something of a damp squib”.  We understand perfectly the sense of it, although I suspect many w...

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(Written a couple of weeks ago but unable to post owing to holiwags)

When I was a young boy, no more than a sprog

We cherished the beautiful game

But now it’s transformed from a Prince to a frog

And dirtied its great and proud name.

The game was a beacon which gave us so much

In innocence, pride and in smiles

Brazilian magic, the skills of the Dutch

And Banksy and...

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Despite not being a religious person I have a position as part-time verger at Selby Abbey.  Its attraction for me is entirely secular – its history and architecture.  Nevertheless I remain respectful of others’ deeply held beliefs.  I could be equally respectful if it were a mosque or a synagogue.

But something happened at the Abbey today which caused me to re-evaluate just how deeply beli...

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Haulms Up!  Taties, haulms up!

Gimme your haulms, gimme gimme your haulms, gimme gimme

Haulms Up! Taties, haulms up!

Gimme your haulms, gimme, gimme your haulms gimme gimme

All your spuds. (All your spuds).  All your spuds.

Choose white or red for your tater bed,

Epicure with loads of manure,

That’s what I do to get more spuds from you;

The usual norm’s to ridge up the...

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Here’s an uncomfortable scenario.  Every right minded person finds the daily revelations of historic child abuse disgusting and deplorable.  And I for one am no exception.

But some aspects of the issue give me cause for concern.  Not relating to child abuse or rape – let me be quite clear about that.  But on the surrounding area of sexual harassment and inappropriate behaviours.

Nowadays bou...

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(Written and performed yesterday at the wedding of my No1 daughter, Sarah, to Robert Shersby)

When people ask of me

What would you like to be

I think of all the dreams that I’ve had

I’d choose the perfect groom

Perhaps Orlando Bloom

Or Daniel Craig or even my dad;

Instead I am Bobby’s Girl

Here I am, Bobby’s Girl

But that’s OK cos I love him you see

I’m glad to b...

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The key to success for a Champion

Is to start the day with a shag,

A hand-lowered shite of 6lb weight,

A can of Long Life and a fag.

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It’s Good News Week!

Cameron’s back in No 10

I’ve seen his mocking mush again

And George is still next door;

He’s safe in there for 5 years when

We’ll no doubt blow our chance again

To even up the score

And vote for him once more.

It’s Good News Week!

So mark my words, no “ifs” no “buts”,

And brace yourselves for further cuts

12 billion, he confessed;

Nye B...

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(A re-post from my Old Gits back catalogue, codged around the Undertones "Teenage Kicks".  I suffer from RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) as does the impenetrable Mrs C when I give her a good kicking in the night.  Ha Ha).

The old age dream is so hard to beat

I dream of Werthers for a treat

An end to swelling in my feet

And fitting teeth so I can chew my meat.

I want a bladder ...

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I’ve never had very much trouble Making money throughout my life

It seemed to come to me easily Without great endeavour or strife.

There’s really no secret to money It’s just commonsense, indeed;

Identify who is your buyer And then have the thing that they need.

It might be some goods or a service Your brains or your labour, indeed;

You offer them a proposal Then sell...

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(As Verger at Selby Abbey one of my responsibilities is to ensure the Eternal Sanctuary candle remains lit.  The first two lines are familiar to me so I may have poached them.  Suggestions from whom?)

God made the hawk; He made the dove

And neither with a lesser love;

So hence there can be little doubt

He made me let the candle out.

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(Dedicated to the behind-my-back tittle tattlers; another "Clarksonite" old song codged up to look like poetry.  And hoping that life mirrors art on May 8th)

Dave don’t live here anymore;

Don’t feel sorry – he’s not so poor;

Though he weasled and he lied

He’s got nowhere left to hide;

Dave don’t live here anymore.

Dave don’t live here anymore

And now George has left ...

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 (an older post)

They’re shutting our shops in the High Streets

Through losses and lack of new orders

But saddest to date I have to relate

Was the closure of Davygate Borders.

I used to pop in and delve through the shelves

Then leisurely lounge in the chairs,

Pick a novel or three to accompany tea

Which you took in the Starbuck’s upstairs.

I’ve done Bernar...

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Men have different tastes in women

some like legs that's long and lean

Some prefer them with some meat on;

I like something in between.

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(A little story really but I've chopped it into little lines to make it a poem)

Two of my favourite responsibilities

are opening up the Abbey

in the morning and closing it at night.

On sunny mornings

the sunlight filters through the stained glass windows

making mosaics of coloured lights

on the stone floor and walls. 

I delay putting on the lighting

as long as possi...

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