Poetry Blogs (2019, humour)
Jason Zane on Cruel nature (1 hour ago)
Night 'Shifts' !
It’s two a.m. (It maybe three).
But far from “Nighty-night!”, for me.
‘Ceiling-gaze’, through gravelled eyes.
I need to rest .... before sunrise.
Insomnia? I’m ‘conscious’ proof.
I may as well re-slate the roof !
Or else, I’d simply rake the lawn
to keep me busy, until dawn.
“Pillow-punches”: ‘jumpy’ legs.
“Why can’t I sleep?”, the que...
Tuesday 9th July 2019 10:32 pm
'Double' Act !
In Nineteen Ninety Four,
a young man took the floor
for the television show, “Stars in Their Eyes”!
He was, ‘hips-to-feet’ in plaster
as he struggled out, to master
his new crutches, in a bid to win the prize.
The host (then), Matthew Kelly
introduced him on the ‘telly’,
saying “Simon, what a plucky guy you are.
I’ve been told, a year ago,
Tuesday 9th July 2019 11:10 am
“Old Heads on Young Shoulders”!
You can’t put old heads on young shoulders!”, they say.
But I think that I may have come-up with a way,
involving some sawing - and stitching - and glue
(and a bit of an ‘inclin’, of just what to do!).
Yet, if I decided to ‘give it a bash’,
that would leave a ‘spare’ head and a body (to ‘stash’)!
Which seems such a waste of a woman ...
Monday 1st July 2019 12:10 pm
I remember the day when we first met, the day I made you mine,
our eyes met across a crowded room and I fed you a funny line.
"What's a cute thing like you doing in a place like this?" I said,
you came home with me that day and spent the night with me in bed.
I considered you my best friend and gave you everything,
I gave you a home, looked after you and took you unde...
Sunday 16th June 2019 9:40 am
A ‘Snitch’, in Time !
My mother’s mother, Granny Brown
was ‘muchly-loved’ throughout our town.
The care she gave; her happy ways.
She cheered us in her ‘ember days’.
She liked to knit but not to sell.
Such quality. (Oh, you could tell!).
Each item, thoroughly bespoke
- for giving to specific folk.
“Gran, that’s great !” I’d often shout.
“You knit them ...
Saturday 15th June 2019 7:05 pm
Coco the clown went sailing one day
to a holiday destination far far away
Suddenly, the sky went dark and the wind did blow
and the waves beneath his boat did grow and grow
He lost his oars as the winds blew and blew
so he paddled his way with his size 50 shoe.
Through a telescope he saw an island far away in the distance
and he made it to shore with his skill and persistence
Friday 14th June 2019 8:01 am
I bought a piece of land, for my family and me,
to build a perfect home on a plot beside the sea.
I employed a local Surveyor to help draw up the plans,
to build my family dream house on the beach near ‘Ainsdale Sands’
He came and took some measurements and samples from the plot,
and I asked if he could include the moorings for a yacht.
The Surveyor did recommend a custom built lighthouse.
Thursday 13th June 2019 3:24 pm
I saw her standing on a crowded train,
a beautiful face and a perfect frame.
With oriental features and flawless skin,
was this superficial or was there beauty within?
She caught me looking and to my surprise,
she smiled and looked directly into my eyes.
I felt transfixed and my heart took flight,
is this what they mean by 'love at first sight'?
As the train ...
Tuesday 11th June 2019 7:09 am
Long long ago there once lived a King
who wished that a child the stork would bring.
You see he and his Queen were very sad
at the thought of an heir that they never had.
Then, whilst walking beside the sea one night
a talking fish gave the Queen a fright.
It said “soon your wish will come to pass
and you, my Queen, shall bear a lass”
As the fish had predicted th...
Saturday 8th June 2019 12:55 am
Jesus Wants You!
He forced the door and entered, stepping over shards of glass,
to effortlessly melt into the chamber’s darkened mass.
And, as his torchlight searched for ‘victim-drawers’ to rifle through,
out of darkness, rasped a voice; “Jesus is watching you.”
He froze - was someone in the room inviting conversation?
Or maybe he was hearing things (or his ...
Sunday 26th May 2019 5:59 pm
Yet another chess convention
called upon the monthly pension.
Crusty codgers, ‘ coffin - dodgers’.
Reek of mothballs (best not mention!)
Hotel filled with ancient blokes,
bragging of their master-strokes.
Cracking ‘chess-related’ jokes!
The old ‘ Grand Master’ then appeared,
to boast and crow (whils...
Monday 20th May 2019 10:30 am
At the end of the world where the sea meets the sky,
there's a small strip of land where the mermaids lie.
Where they chit and they chat, or play and have fun,
and top up their tan in the midday sun.
Now it's rare to see a mermaid, and you may never again,
so to see a whole shoal is a rareness x 10.
But this is what happened, or so it is told,
to a young keen explore...
Saturday 27th April 2019 2:45 am
"Fattening up time" the wall calendar read
which meant only one thing to old farmer Ted.
Christmas was coming and there's money to be made
you see the bigger the bird the more he'd be paid.
He'd saved up all year and bought high quality feed
to ensure that his flock was the best he could breed.
So this year Ted's turkeys would be the tastiest in town
and the best biggest...
Wednesday 24th April 2019 9:22 am
A List Of Things We Buried In The Garden
- A photograph of better times.
- An empty bottle of scotch.
- A well thumbed copy of ‘True Crimes’.
- A useless, broken watch.
- Seven bottles of little white pills.
- A pair of latex gloves.
- A folder with a thousand bills.
- A bunch of dead foxgloves.
- The broken vase they occupied...
Tuesday 9th April 2019 11:42 am
In the sun bathed seaside town of Lyme
Where ice cream now drips where dinosaurs once walked
pastel shaded cottages skirt the sea
And Grockles eat cockles and cobbs on the Cobb.
A writer of repute resided
A postmodernist existential philosopher
Who welcomed me into his home
A number of times, talking of his craft
His books his work and films that were made of this
Monday 8th April 2019 6:35 pm
Recipe For Disaster
Make sure you’ve got a big bowl.
OK, we’re ready to commence.
Take a pinch of honesty,
add an ounce of common sense,
stir in bloody mindedness,
gently fold in care,
season it with integrity
(if you’ve got any spare),
sprinkle it with passion,
avoid the nuts and flakes,
put it in a hot oven
and see how long it takes
for it to become bu...
Monday 1st April 2019 2:52 pm
An Aussie Farmer's Lot.
Ah ! the sumptuosity of blessed
the thoughts of carnal knowledge
as we hurry to undress
But soft; I hear the lowing
of an agitated cow,
such trial and tribulation
weigh heavy on my brow
Pray hold the moment madam
whilst I service Daisy-Bell
then take a soapy shower
to eradicate the smell !
Thursday 21st February 2019 2:03 pm
Siberian kale with cherrystone clam
Bulgar, quinoa, and spicy brown mustard
Orange okra served with whiskey-roast ham
Red chard, leaf lard, and savoury custard
Avocado jam with relish of quince
Shaved black truffle with sourdough croutons
Sun dried tomatoes with guinea pig mince
Plantain wraps served on tiny oak futons
Sandwich menus leave me filled with remorse...
Thursday 14th February 2019 12:35 pm
The Gift (Limerick)
At the end of a trip to Tibet
I brought home for my daughter a pet
"You fool," said her Mamma
"She asked for a 'LLAMA'
You're short of one 'L' I regret."
Monday 28th January 2019 10:42 pm
Your dandruffed head which once was fair
Your sweaty armpits clogged with hair
Those sagging tits that touch your knees
That fluff-filled navel full of fleas
God ! you're sexy when you're bare.
And you my love are perfect man
Your dentures even have a tan
And though your willy's lost its zing
Eventually it still goes in
You're HOT........come take me while you can....
Friday 25th January 2019 2:38 pm
Yesterday a policeman shit on my head
when I went to complain to a pigeon
about my gypsy being stolen by two cars.
Sunday 20th January 2019 8:30 pm