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Dinosaurs emerge from Jurassic hibernation

to re-conquer Earth;

David Attenborough is eaten.

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No one knows from whence they come

those creatures of the night

stealthily amassing

with their blood-soaked swords to fight


They give nor ask no quarter

in their frenzied feeding lust

those damnable Mosquitoes

can suck you dry as dust.

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An Aussie Farmer's Lot.

An Aussie Farmer's Lot.


Ah ! the sumptuosity of blessed

virgin flesh

the thoughts of carnal knowledge

as we hurry to undress


But soft; I hear the lowing

of an agitated cow,

such trial and tribulation

weigh heavy on my brow


Pray hold the moment madam

whilst I service Daisy-Bell

then take a soapy shower

to eradicate the smell !

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Aussie FarmerCarnal KnowledgeHumour

The Spark !

The Spark !

Old age comes upon you

like a creeping weed or vine

a subtle early warning

that you're running out of time


When we realized it had us

firmly in its grip

we decided to go fighting

so we really let it rip:


No more early nights

sipping tea and watching telly;

we bought the 'Kama Sutra'

and really gave it welly !


We cruised out to Austr...

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old agecruiseholidaykama sutra

Talking with god

Talking with god.

She reckoned she had been short-changed

When bosoms were allotted

So down she went on bended knee

To pray to him above;

"Your tits are fine," is all he said

And she replied, "Get knotted."


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Haiku (Thailand)


Fat stone Buddhas sit

In opulent gold temples

While priests beg for food.

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Monochrome Days: (Poetry for Schools)

Monochrome Days: (poetry for schools)


In the '50s and early '60s

gas was still the norm

in city streets and passageways;

at home to keep us warm


And during bleak mid-winters

when people used more coal

the air was thick and foggy

and illness took its toll


Us children knew no better;

life had always been like this

sore throats and runny noses

were i...

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Monochrome daysPoetry for Schools

The Cockroach (Poetry for Schools)

The Cockroach: (poetry for schools)


An elephant and a cuckoo

had been friends for many years,

then one day a cockroach

reduced them both to tears


He told them of the hardships

endured by bugs like him,

of being despised by mankind

and how he lost a limb


Being forced to live in sewers

and cellars, dark and dank

had given him rheumatism

arthritis an...

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The CockroachPoetry for Schools




The furnace of her loins

glowed red with passion

comcentrated lust

oozing from every pore

of her writhing body ;







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Eliza cursed her name,

who in their right mind

would fetter their child

with an antique like that !


As a name it is centuries old

from the Old English

meaning "The Chosen"


Good god, she thought,

I am already forty years old

and still on the damned shelf;

how long does it take to choose ?

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The Smug Bastard

The Smug Bastard

He marched in triumph

at the head of his men

basking unjustly in adulation

aimed at the deeds performed

by his troops,

the smug bastard


His chest puffed out

like a carrier pigeon

selfish eyes seeking

to be sanctioned

by female admirers,

the smug bastard


Cruel, ambitious, self-centered

the lives of his men were only

a means of ...

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The Gift (Limerick)

The Gift  (Limerick)

At the end of a trip to Tibet

I brought home for my daughter a pet

"You fool," said her Mamma

"She asked for a 'LLAMA'

You're short of one 'L' I regret."

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She was the epicentre of his universe

as he was of hers

they were born to be one

their hearts beat in unison

they lived only for each other


Due to their condition

marriage was deemed inappropriate

they loved each other unconditionally

but never on a physical level

they knew not of such things


They were eventually united in death

only days apart


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True loveEternalFaith

Continental Breakfast

Melted butter with sea salt crystals

dripped down the sides

of hot multi-grain toast.

The smell of cracked wheat and rye

fusing perfectly with the aroma of

coffee made from freshly ground beans.


Occupying the centre of the table

were various platters filled with delicacies

such as wafer thin slices of

mouth-watering Dutch cheese

and honey roast cured ham.



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Mutual Admiration

Your dandruffed head which once was fair

Your sweaty armpits clogged with hair

Those sagging tits that touch your knees

That fluff-filled navel full of fleas

God ! you're sexy when you're bare.


And you my love are perfect man

Your dentures even have a tan

And though your willy's lost its zing

Eventually it still goes in

You're HOT........come take me while you can.


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AdmirationHotPerfect ManSexyHumourLimerick

Due back soon.


Sitting on a bus

packed with senior cits

each and every one

with some malfunctioning bits


Life is only borrowed

just like a library book

so returning it well worn

proves you did much more than look.

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My mummy has a lovely pair

That's what my daddy said

And mummy loves his manly ass ;

I heard them from my bed


I'm not sure what it's all about

So I asked the kids at school

They said they didn't really know

But man it sounded cool !!

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Innocencemanly ass

British Passion

British Passion

They meshed their sexual organs

in a frenzied bout of passion

pumping, grinding, panting

'til they had their daily ration


The sight was truly wondrous

and fearsome to behold

it's something done by lovers,

at least that is what I'm told


There was no inhibition

they had stripped down to the core

with every piece of clothing

strewn across ...

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Is there sex after death ?


Is there sex after death ?

A fascinating concept

But let's keep the topic formal

Are we talking Necrophilia

Or something Paranormal ?


If you intimate the former

I must caution self-restraint

It's illegal in this country

And I don't know where it ain't


But if you mean the latter

I submit this brief synopsis:

The outcome could be mutual

Between cons...

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All I saw was trees


I longed to see a forest

So I crossed the seven seas

But when I finally got there

All I saw was trees


So I headed for the mountains

A range called Pyrenees

But when I got much nearer

All I saw was trees


And then somebody told me

The Amazon would please

And guess what bloody happened ?

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Disorientated (2)


Yesterday a policeman shit on my head

when I went to complain to a pigeon

about my gypsy being stolen by two cars.

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My neighbour had a fluffy cat.


My neighbour had a fluffy cat

Cold, aloof and very fat

Now it's dead; her little Clover

Driving home I ran it over

Looks much better now it's flat !

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Disorientated (1)


Having just spent a pleasant hour oiling the cat

and treating my bicycle with flea powder

I think I deserve a good beating

before I give the carpet a cup of tea.

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DisorientatedJumbleMind Games

Banged Up


"My how you've grown"

Said the kindly old dear.

"Last time I held you

you burped in my ear.


The truth of the matter

I just have to say

it's been twenty long years

since they put me away.


It's a long stretch of time

which I passed saving stamps

but that's what they gave me

for killing your Gramps.


I know you're an orphan

'cause I poisoned y...

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CrimeEvilMurderOrphanPoisonPrisonBlack Humour

Haiku X 2

Teardrops burst their banks

Brimming over as a flood

Of liquid emotion.




Skinless sausages

Nakedly flaunt their bodies

In the frying pan.

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Pubbing & Clubbing (late 60s / early 70s)


The pulsating beat

searing into your head

like a hot poker


The stench of stale beer

on a smoke-laden atmosphere


Clinking glasses

Euphoric screams

Skull-piercing strobe lighting


Empty condom machines

in toilets lit by ultraviolet

to deter drug users




Pimps & Posers



gelatine-haired youths


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Morning Glory

Morning Glory

I woke up with a girl in my bed

It stunned me so here's what I said:

"My god you're attractive

are you sexually active?"

She replied, "Are you right in the head?"


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The Protectors


They had stood over me since my birth

Watching, Protecting

Heads bowed in respectful silence

Friends who gave so much

Yet asked for nothing


I grew up sheltered by their love

Safe in their strength

Knowing that one day

I too would stand high

And bask in the light of life


Eventually they fell

One by one

Giving more light each time


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Waiting for peace

My heart breaks for those

in care homes

sitting patiently

waiting to die


Sometimes remembering

who you are

sometimes silently crying


You wait with them

day by day


When you look into their eyes

there is nothing there

no fear, no desperation

and above all, no hope


In-between doses of morphine

when the pain makes them scream

they beg to...

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care homeold agedyinglove

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