Language of You
With pen and paper in hand
I write love letters to you in the early morning
When I know that your mind is still wavering in dream
When this conscious body craves the affection of yours as you turn over slowly in your sleep
and sigh against the curve of my neck
It is not easy to fill the time that you are absent
Meaningless tasks seem to pass too quickly
But from far...
Wednesday 20th May 2020 10:30 pm
In the Mid Afternoon
despite the recovery
there are still days when a hole has been ripped through my chest
when I am drowning beneath this absence
it is not safe to breathe
but my body craves the humid air
this body has grown weary and tired today
has shifted between consciousness
these are the days
when I struggle still
despite it all
despite being discharged from therapy...
Monday 20th April 2020 10:32 pm
Out of the Darkness / Into the Light
- Days ago, when the darkness found a way to creep back
I must admit that guilt pours through my veins on days like today
When inside of my head, all seems hopeless
I may no longer be clinical
But depression doesn't care that I was healing
It doesn't seem to matter that for a few weeks I was doing better
Despite the distractions I threw in its path
Through the dark ...
Saturday 28th March 2020 10:04 pm
reincarnation in the debris
despite all of this sadness
and fear
that is so deeply rooted in the veins of each person I love
it is a good moment to settle down
take a breath
and enjoy the silence
in the sun we are at peace
it is time to be grateful for all that is pure
all that we are gifted by the hands of God
it is time to restore some faith that we have lost
allow this day ...
Thursday 26th March 2020 9:32 pm
Final Closure
You tried to re-enter my life today
and I did not let you
Were you blind in your faith?
That too easily I would just allow you to slip you through
Was it not clear that you were no longer welcome here
when your key did not fit in the door?
I have had those locks changed for weeks
It was about time for you to go
Your presence failed to serve its purpose
...Wednesday 25th March 2020 4:44 pm
Plans for the Future
When this is all over
We will find our way back home
We are busy making plans for after
Each day we wake up apart, we are one day closer to waking up together again
The distance is difficult
The sheer lack of control is stifling
But
Days of celebration are coming
Quiet afternoons in the sun, dozing next to you in a lounger
Where I can finally feel ...
Tuesday 24th March 2020 5:34 pm
Hindsight
There have been some before you
Few who broke my heart
One who betrayed me
Another, who too easily allowed us to grow apart without any distance at all
I could stretch out my arm to grasp his hand, only to gasp at his sheer coldness
He was truly dead inside, nothing left to offer "us"
Eventually I was forced to let him go
And the first, did not understand the word "stop"
...Monday 23rd March 2020 7:42 pm
Dreamland
In your arms I sail away
a tiny little boat created in the safety of a body I know so well
floating in an endless sea where good dreams and bad nightmares may find me
despite this safety, I am nothing but vulnerable
this lifeboat may survive it all
if only it is strong enough to surpass it
I ought to have known better
should have recognised the signs
there is an impa...
Sunday 22nd March 2020 10:50 pm
Coping Mechanism
You gave me the strength to survive it
Something borrowed
until I was no longer blue
this body is old
but we are new
You taught me to heal
just not alone
and let this peach skin
slowly evolve
Until I am stronger
to bear all the pain
I wait here patiently
to see your face again
Because with you it is easier
to let it a...
Thursday 19th March 2020 8:06 pm
it's all okay, now
sometimes I have to sit and question
"is it like this for everyone?"
because surely it mustn't be
too many people setting themselves on fire only to see their love stay warm
that is what I would do for you
because coming home feels different now
not four walls but a heartbeat and jawline with stubble
two strong hands that wrap around my hips and guide me closer each...
Wednesday 18th March 2020 8:36 pm
Linger
It seems worth it now
all the pain and loss and grieving
It is more manageable
to cope with what almost killed me
So much easier to see that the harm caused was temporary
The bruises yellowed until my soft skin became mine again
The scars that lingered are healing after all this time
and with each deep breath I am able to let go a little more
to drift within the safe...
Monday 16th March 2020 11:03 pm
Decadence
he plays me like a violin in his strong hands
moulded around the shape of his palms
the warmth of his fingers
if I were chocolate
I would melt
dripping between the crevices in the floorboards
of this old home
the richness overflowing
pouring within the walls
until pure decadence fills this space
this is our safe place
where the precious notes of me hummin...
Saturday 14th March 2020 2:23 pm
Of Something Good
I was blessed
by something not seen nor heard
the day that God allowed you stroll wilfully
into all the destruction that surrounded me
And gracefully
you began to repair the broken pieces
of the mess I made
tearing through debris to find me
I find peace in your blue grey eyes
when I think it is all coming to an end
your strong hands that regard my ...
Monday 9th March 2020 7:55 am
21:59
I could lie like this forever
in the small cocoon of your little room
a sanctuary where I can let the stresses of the day subside
with the touch of a hot shower to wash away the shadows that linger
under our tired eyes
such tired eyes that still find happiness in your face
but here we are living
despite it all
we are here breathing
letting each exhale heal some ...
Monday 2nd March 2020 10:01 pm
Small Beginnings
She was cold as ice
white as snow
something everyone else
would easily know
For this one soul
her heart would break
and from all that is bad
something good, they would make
He made her thaw
and she began to melt
with kisses so tender
she had no doubt
That this right now
where she ought to be
was the safest of all
she need n...
Monday 2nd March 2020 12:04 pm
The Destination & The Journey
Some roads lead nowhere
But without a sign to tell us otherwise, we will travel down them
Without hesitation
Until we arrive at the cliff edge, the end of the road
There is no road ahead that will lead me to safety
until now
Part of me knew that this is how it ought to be
Not a raging thunderstorm each night
Leaving me awake and tearful for the next clap of thun...
Saturday 29th February 2020 10:59 am
The Ways
I could fall in love with this man
and the way he brushes his teeth
the way he combs his hair
the way he cherishes me
I'm going to fall in love with this man
and the way he washes dishes
the tension in his arms, the concentration in his brow
turns me to putty in his hands
He leaves me speechless, this man
even when he dreams, the soft rise and fall of h...
Monday 24th February 2020 8:54 am
Simplicity
The stars are my night light
Setting themselves on fire
to keep me warm
while your presence is missing
But it is comforting
when the morning grows near
and the stars retreat
I know that as the sun rises you will return
Hold me close and let us be calm
Let the safety of this bubble envelope us
Until our heart beats slow
and our eyes grow weary
...Friday 21st February 2020 7:52 am
Lock and Key
Alone at the door
you may find me
Trying to decide whether to leave it unlocked
or wide open
or slip the lock and the latch and all that makes me safe
You see
If I leave the door open
Then I get to see the sun pass softly all day long
But with it carries an awful draught
It is chilling
It is freezing each cell of this small body
But it is open in the h...
Friday 14th February 2020 10:30 pm
Outside of my Window
I want to venture out
walk into the rain
and let it cleanse all that is bad
replenish all that is good
fill up my empty cup
so I can continue to pour and pour and pour
myself into those around me
I am melting in a busy stream
falling over babbling brooks and grey pebbles
until eventually
I become merely a drop in the ocean
a tear in the night sky
ready to...
Thursday 13th February 2020 12:34 am
Surrender
Each night
I pull a rib from this body
and set it alight to keep myself warm
That is what happens
When you burn everyone around you
You become hollow
Wide awake at 4am
Disconnected
The control I crave and that which is surrendered
To memory loss
To nausea
To sheer exhaustion
I cannot take it much longer
That same fire will burn out
That once c...
Sunday 9th February 2020 5:00 am
In Dreams
Two dreams about you in the same night
I cannot escape you
No matter how hard I try
To run away and avoid you
Seems impossible
You encompassed me
Ran wild in my red veins
I fear your anger
I fear your absence
But you creep into blissful dreaming
Reminding me you are gone now, too
I pushed you away
and cried when away you went
I am too much
and too...
Saturday 8th February 2020 9:04 pm
Recipe for Recovery
A spoonful of sugar may not be enough
Pour as much of yourself into the bowl as you can
And mix until the worry dissipates
Somewhere within the butter and sugar
I let the panic melt
Until the loaf is warm in the middle
Crisp on the outside
While it bakes I take time to clean
Let the soapy waters soak my arms and the smell of lemons fill the kitchen
When the alar...
Tuesday 4th February 2020 10:14 pm
Work in Progress
My parents watch me, with knowing eyes, from across the room
Each time I take a bite I can feel my mother exhale in relief
Because today is a better day
But I cannot promise her that tomorrow will be as well
The worry bleeds across her loving face, when I lose the day to sleep and exhaustion
The concern lodges in my father's brow when my answer to the question, "are you ok...
Monday 3rd February 2020 10:56 am
The (not so) Happy Place
They tell me, “time heals all wounds”
But I’m not sure that’s quite true
When the 5’11” wound that needs healing
Is the absence of you
Tuesday 28th January 2020 6:46 pm
3 Lines
And I guess that's what you get
when you say you don't want something easy
when you say you want something epic
Friday 24th January 2020 5:44 pm
The Weakness
I had been asking
For an answer or a sign
But your lips had fallen silent
After so much time
I had been praying
There wasn’t much else to do
Other than to sit and wait
Patiently for you
We each had caused the other pain
Forgotten how to love and be kind
We had played games back and forth
Constantly in my mind
We had said goodbye
Man...
Tuesday 21st January 2020 8:02 pm
A Little Distance (will do us some good)
I retreated back into myself
Escaped behind the walls I put up
Padlocks on the doors
Stocked the armoury
Locked the windows
Fastened the exits with cable ties and rope
Drew the shutters closed
The curtains closed
The blinds
closed
Do not allow the light in
Do not allow the darkness out
That is what I thought was best
But I am slowly lea...
Monday 13th January 2020 3:18 pm
Message In A Broken Bottle
- To those who believe in me -
With late night drives
The open windows to calm the nausea
For dealing with the tears
The ups and downs
The unpredictable mood swings
The Earth-shaking panic attacks
For the loyalty when I have none to offer
For the arguments I struggle to avoid
The emotions I barely reign in
For the cups of water post sickness
For the si...
Saturday 4th January 2020 9:47 pm
Torture
I am all of the cliches
Green with envy
The putrid taste of jealousy rising in the back of my throat
Butterflies in my stomach that turn to knives in my heart
or splinters
There are not enough tweezers in the world to remove all of the pieces
My brain understands, some of the time
But my heart does not
I understand there is history
You and her
I have bee...
Thursday 2nd January 2020 10:39 pm
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