Poetry Blog by Cait Abbott

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Lock and Key

Alone at the door 

you may find me

Trying to decide whether to leave it unlocked 

or wide open

or slip the lock and the latch and all that makes me safe

 

You see 

If I leave the door open 

Then I get to see the sun pass softly all day long 

But with it carries an awful draught 

It is chilling 

It is freezing each cell of this small body 

But it is open in the h...

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Outside of my Window

I want to venture out 

walk into the rain 

and let it cleanse all that is bad

replenish all that is good 

fill up my empty cup 

so I can continue to pour and pour and pour 

myself into those around me

I am melting in a busy stream 

falling over babbling brooks and grey pebbles

until eventually 

I become merely a drop in the ocean

a tear in the night sky

ready to...

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Surrender

Each night 

I pull a rib from this body 

and set it alight to keep myself warm 

That is what happens 

When you burn everyone around you 

You become hollow 

Wide awake at 4am 

Disconnected 

The control I crave and that which is surrendered 

To memory loss 

To nausea

To sheer exhaustion 

I cannot take it much longer 

That same fire will burn out 

That once c...

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In Dreams

Two dreams about you in the same night

I cannot escape you 

No matter how hard I try 

To run away and avoid you 

Seems impossible 

You encompassed me 

Ran wild in my red veins

I fear your anger 

I fear your absence 

But you creep into blissful dreaming

Reminding me you are gone now, too

I pushed you away

and cried when away you went 

I am too much 

and too...

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Recipe for Recovery

A spoonful of sugar may not be enough 

Pour as much of yourself into the bowl as you can 

And mix until the worry dissipates 

Somewhere within the butter and sugar 

I let the panic melt 

Until the loaf is warm in the middle 

Crisp on the outside 

While it bakes I take time to clean 

Let the soapy waters soak my arms and the smell of lemons fill the kitchen 

When the alar...

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Work in Progress

My parents watch me, with knowing eyes, from across the room 

Each time I take a bite I can feel my mother exhale in relief 

Because today is a better day 

But I cannot promise her that tomorrow will be as well 

 

The worry bleeds across her loving face, when I lose the day to sleep and exhaustion 

The concern lodges in my father's brow when my answer to the question, "are you ok...

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The (not so) Happy Place

They tell me, “time heals all wounds” 

But I’m not sure that’s quite true 

When the 5’11” wound that needs healing 

Is the absence of you 

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3 Lines

And I guess that's what you get 

when you say you don't want something easy 

when you say you want something epic 

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The Weakness

I had been asking 

For an answer or a sign 

But your lips had fallen silent 

After so much time 

 

I had been praying

There wasn’t much else to do 

Other than to sit and wait 

Patiently for you 

 

We each had caused the other pain 

Forgotten how to love and be kind 

We had played games back and forth 

Constantly in my mind 

 

We had said goodbye 

Man...

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A Little Distance (will do us some good)

I retreated back into myself 

Escaped behind the walls I put up 

Padlocks on the doors 

Stocked the armoury 

Locked the windows 

Fastened the exits with cable ties and rope 

Drew the shutters closed 

The curtains closed 

The blinds 

closed 

 

Do not allow the light in 

Do not allow the darkness out 

That is what I thought was best 

 

But I am slowly lea...

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Message In A Broken Bottle

- To those who believe in me -

 

With late night drives 

The open windows to calm the nausea

For dealing with the tears 

The ups and downs 

The unpredictable mood swings 

The Earth-shaking panic attacks

For the loyalty when I have none to offer 

For the arguments I struggle to avoid 

The emotions I barely reign in 

For the cups of water post sickness 

For the si...

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Torture

I am all of the cliches 

Green with envy 

The putrid taste of jealousy rising in the back of my throat 

Butterflies in my stomach that turn to knives in my heart 

or splinters 

There are not enough tweezers in the world to remove all of the pieces 

 

My brain understands, some of the time 

But my heart does not 

I understand there is history 

You and her

I have bee...

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46

I wish I could rewind to before 

When things seemed much easier 

Somewhat childlike and innocent 

Tinged with a longing for something more 

 

Your way with words 

Had me falling in love 

While I was busy falling too deep 

You kept me at arms length, too afraid to try 

 

I want you to come home to me 

Nestle in between warm blankets 

With the windows wide open 

...

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The Greenhouse

I lost a part of myself again today 

Let go of some small sadness I had been holding onto 

The pieces, held so tightly in my small hands

Had done nothing but make me bleed 

 

I am still learning

To reincarnate the leaves I had shed 

I will not allow myself to be like before 

I will bloom differently this time 

 

I will grow 

Every old petal will fall away softly 

...

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Ghosts Passing in the Night

You will never understand 

How the empty space on your side of the bed haunts me each night 

 

Even now

I await the creak of metal as you turn over softly in your sleep

When your arm would be dragged from the cold side by the wall and drift across my back 

Brushing my hair out of the way and circling patterns with your fingertips 

 

Even now 

I kid myself believing I’m h...

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The Marks

Each word you whisper is an imprint on my body 

but it never seems to last long enough 

Each touch turns to a bruise when you are no longer there 

Tattoo this skin so I have some form of permanency 

An inkling of where you have been, so that I no longer question its reality 

Permeate each delicate layer 

 

There are moments of sheer clarity

Driving through winding dark stre...

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Storm in a Teacup

He was not a rose with thorns 

Or a daisy being forever plucked 

He loves me 

He loves me not 

 

He was weaving ivy 

Everytime I cut him back 

He’d creep through the smallest crevice 

 

He would find the gate to the hidden garden in my heart 

Unlock the latch and wind through each part of me 

 

So slowly at first 

That one would not even know he was there 

...

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Suffer

Rain is comfortable to me 

 

I am drowning anyway 

 

There is no difference through my eyes 

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Do Not Disturb

Pull me closer until our breath combines 

Sway me like oceans controlled by the moon 

Let your fingers dance on my skin 

 

I want to play this game with you 

Moves made to control the other 

Hands delicately placed to tease you 

Crimson lips on your neck 

Bruise this body with my words 

Leave my mark, show them where I’ve been 

Show them all what I’ve claimed 

Draw...

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Limbo

I cannot be with you

I cannot be without you 

 

Pulled by an invisible thread 

Sewing us together two broken things 

Tell me how to cut us apart, when there are no scissors strong enough to sever us 

Every fibre of my being is bound to you, clinging to you 

 

I would burn for your wandering gaze 

Set your eyes upon me 

View me through those lashes 

Touch me again, ...

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Ascend

Today has been a better day 

 

I wasn’t a mardy bitch 

I didn’t cry when something went wrong 

I ate food without nausea or gagging or that awful washing machine feeling in my tummy 

 

Today was an easier day 

 

I could talk without the lump in my throat strangling me 

I walked through university enjoying each rain drop falling onto my cheeks

or dripping through my ey...

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anxietydepressionillnessrecovery

Whisper My Name

Was it a mistake?

Everytime your hands caressed my warm skin

The bruises on my thighs 

From something so tender turns something so blue 

The imprint of your lips on me 

Leaving lovebites in their wake

 

The gentle beginning 

Ending as I call your name 

Pain and power and pleasure 

Mixed with a childish innocence

 

What have we become?

We are not two people in...

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Unsent Love Letters

6:15 pm 

I nearly called just now 

I'm going for dinner for my birthday 

I wanted to tell you that the nausea stopped 

I'm going to eat my body weight in pasta, you'd be proud of me if you knew 

I did pumpkin spice eyeshadow 

You would've liked it 

Like that time my sister put a photo of me on instagram and you messaged me but I ignored you because I was mad at you 

But I g...

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A New Fear

I'm afraid to sleep 

I don't want to dream about you 

 

 

I know it will hurt more if I do 

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For CJM

I hope this finds you somehow

on a train 

or walking to a lecture 

or waking up to the sound of the clocktower 

 

I hope somehow it finds you 

So I can tell you 

without saying a word at all 

 

I miss you like hell

and I love you to pieces

 

I didn't mean for this to happen 

 

I could call 

but I think hearing your voice would still hurt

I could text...

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forgivenessfriendshipheartbreak

Call Me Alice

There are ground rules 

That I broke 

Those that we promised 

I can no longer abide by 

 

Do not fall in love with me 

you said 

The warning sign so clear

 

But I fell down the rabbit hole

With no return 

The only indication being the dull ache from the fall

 

You cannot know

I cannot tell you

Without destroying a balance that existed days ago 

 

...

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Melancholy Nostalgia

If I should have a daughter 

I will tell her 

of a boy I knew

 

-

 

They will give you roses 

Tell you of your beauty 

Of your kindness 

Of your innocence

 

They will tie red bows of ribbon around your heart 

Bless it with a kiss

Prompt you to tear down your walls 

"Let me in"

They will say 

"I won't hurt you" 

They will say 

 

They will gui...

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Recovery

I feel a little more me today 

The crying spell has passed 

With each hour, ticking by softly, my lungs awaken

I breathe easier now

 

I enjoyed my morning coffee 

Sat by the steamy windows 

Watching the sunrise slowly emerge from behind the dewy grass 

 

Colour is returning to my cheeks 

Repairing some part of the fragile soul I was two days ago

 

I dream 

Ag...

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anxietymental healthrecovery

Soldiers In My Mind

I am at the pit of my breakdown

Saying goodbye to sleep I once loved

Food I could once eat without nausea 

Dreams 

That once allowed rest

 

Help me 

I pray 

Sitting on the floor sobbing 

 

Do I allow this pain to make me human

Or wish it away?

 

I bring these matters to You 

I cannot do it alone 

 

I’m still processing 

Picking out the safest part...

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Anxietyfearmental healthnightmarespain

Nurture

There is a pit inside of me 

A deep, dark abyss where the negative thoughts grow 

“I will fail” 

“I cannot do this”

 

That is why 

When I look at you, there is pain behind my eyes

Bleeding onto my cheeks 

Staining all that surrounds me 

 

This bubble of safety 

Does not always contain it 

 

This is what high functioning looks like 

From afar, it is well co...

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Anxietychangegrowthmental health

Silent Prayers; Delicately Heard

I think

I might like you 

I think to myself on late night lonely trains 

Watching the city lights fade into the distance and wishing 

If only you were here to see it, too

 

There are worse people to adore than your best friend 

Worse people to know everything about you 

and you of them 

 

I know you 

Moments you regret

Private jokes and unspoken secrets 

At o...

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ChangefriendshipLoveunrequited love

#11

I could blossom under your hands 

let us show them how 

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Revocation

I’m stuck trying to revise old moments with you 

when I realise that they are no longer there 

Not like in a “I’ve locked them up and thrown away the key” type of way 

This isn’t the doing of my subconscious either 

These memories have been stolen from me 

By time 

 

All I wish is to relive seconds of your hands on my bare skin

The cashmere softness of blankets beneath us 

...

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An Ode to Trouvaille

I have always been a whole person

Please don’t let what I now describe convince you otherwise 

But I left the other part of me in foreign country 

 

Endearment 

I love the way he says my name 

With words and phrases I have heard before 

But those that have not enlightened me until now 

I can breathe around him, more than mere survival 

 

I met him in a world where sum...

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adventureforeignlosslovetravelling

Vicissitude

I've been trying to fill a void, shamelessly I have to admit 

by subsituting our late nights in with even later nights out 

Friends once lost or forgotten reappear into the abyss that long ago were hours I would have dedicated to someone else 

Like water filling a gap in the ocean floor, it is difficult not to let them pour in

But these are the friends I need

Night time drives with ...

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Grey

my anxiety is a burden I can no longer carry

bones and muscles this weak were not designed for this 

I was not born for this 

 

like the ocean, my anxiety washes over me 

soaking each tissue of my being 

forever drowning without being able to come up for air

 

I am not defined by my mental health

or by the tremurs or leaks that escape from my body 

but often sometimes...

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anxietymental health

Blackberry Bushes at a Funeral

I am back in places I should not be, 

Within arms I once begged to release me. 

These are not memories I pride myself on.

I have ventured into this part many times before, 

Only to run as far as I could. 

There is only so much running that can be done, 

before I remember the world is round.

 

You have to breakdown to breakthrough is what I tell myself. 

But how many time...

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Crowds

Our painted past was once a blissful memory 

Now red hot bamboo splinters are stuck under my nails 

The heat is enough to keep me warm in the winter 

with a dull ache

 

I have been burned by the ice between us 

separating what we once knew 

a childhood 

or at least the remnants of it 

 

I had thought these bodies were not meant for poison 

In a world so full of it ...

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Noughts and Crosses

I'm finding

(quite often nowadays) 

that I'm slowly running out of words to describe how you left me

like a blackhole, in both good ways and bad 

it sucks in all that was good and rips those memories from me 

but takes away all that I hated 

 

I have so much I want to say 

and so much I hold back on 

too stubborn 

to admit what I wish I could 

 

I wonder how you...

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breakupsloveteenage

Incurable

It just wasn't love

 

Even though you'd whisper, "I love you" 

In between gasped breaths 

As if each movement was a reinstatement, a confirmation

But plasters and bandages would not remove and heal the scars of thoughts of you left imprinted on my skin

(regardless of however much I wished they would)

 

Love was weary then, held his head low and was nervous

Had rough hand...

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What We Leave Behind (and what we take)

You told me I was worthy of more, but always convinced me to stay

 

But today

Today I leave our bedroom the way it was left this morning 

Cushions and pillows adorning the bed 

we chose for this life together 

A shared bathroom that won't be shared anymore 

Two shelves, one mostly empty 

A walk in wardrobe, filled once with fabric that clothed us

Only now it is bare with...

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forgettinggiving upleavingmoving on

When We Were Seventeen

You asked if this was okay

But I didn't have the heart to tell you the truth

didn't possess the words to say 

no

this is so much more 

It just didn't seem to roll off my tongue the way mine rolled over yours

There wasn't enough time to explain the feeling of innocent euphoria I experienced with you 

No way to begin to illustrate how you made me unravel at the seams like lillie...

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loverelationshipsyoung loveyouth

Bittersweet

We enter this world on days when life is slightly kinder

Pushed by our family in our pushchair, 

we are content.

As we've grown, we are given happiness as a gift

but

also

We are given happiness with gifts, 

the sweetness of our mother's kiss, 

the softness of a kitten

We were unaware of the concept of age

We gave love willingly, 

our first kiss being messy and conf...

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beginningbirthdeathlifelovesweet

Young

We are not a metaphor. 

 

Although, we have met before

I was a shy girl with bright blue eyes and you were a brown haired boy who played guitar on the bus

We grew up and grew together, inseparable

Unaware of what to call what we were, what we had

 

This was back when childhood was innocent and we still weren't sure how to kiss

 

Lips, mouths, necks, hands

We figured t...

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childhoodgrowing uplovemetaphoryoung love

Overcome

Ah

I like how this looks on you 

confused

bewildered 

You wear it 

quite 

well

 

I won't lie, I'm enjoying this 

You can't seem to comprehend how I 

a woman 

a girl 

will fight back

 

How I am more than blood, sweat and tears

I am jubilations

celebrations

and festivals in this body 

 

I was birthed by a goddess 

I did not fall onto this E...

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feminismfighting backpowerprotectionrape

Belief

the forgiving

 

are also, it seems, 

the confused

 

we can't quite figure out who to blame

 

we just know, it can't be ourselves

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forgiveforgivenessnew beginningspainregret

Since Yesterday

When we were children, if things hurt us we would stop

Pricking fingers on roses, desperate to feel its softness, to smell it

We would be curious and we would get hurt and we would learn a lesson from that 

 

But as I've grown older

I've hurt myself further

I've clung to what we were as if I was gripping a rockface in a heavy storm

sometimes the storm wins

 

Everytime I ...

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belongingbreakingheart achehurtinglosspain

Do you hear me now?

You look at me and forget

I was strong before I was pretty 

 

You disregard my mind in hopes that my heart is a path leading you to my body and briefly

I regret to have met you, you see my eyes before you hear my voice

 

For you have already forgotten the first rule; I am strong 

 

So when I love, I love strongly

And when I hurt, I hurt badly 

 

But when I scream, ...

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feminismfightinggrowingpowerRaperegretrepairingstrengthwomanwomen

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