Poetry Blog by Cait Abbott
Today has been a better day
I wasn’t a mardy bitch
I didn’t cry when something went wrong
I ate food without nausea or gagging or that awful washing machine feeling in my tummy
Today was an easier day
I could talk without the lump in my throat strangling me
I walked through university enjoying each rain drop falling onto my cheeks
or dripping through my ey...
Sunday 1st December 2019 12:56 pm
Was it a mistake?
Everytime your hands caressed my warm skin
The bruises on my thighs
From something so tender turns something so blue
The imprint of your lips on me
Leaving lovebites in their wake
The gentle beginning
Ending as I call your name
Pain and power and pleasure
Mixed with a childish innocence
What have we become?
We are not two people in...
Monday 25th November 2019 8:22 pm
I nearly called just now
I'm going for dinner for my birthday
I wanted to tell you that the nausea stopped
I'm going to eat my body weight in pasta, you'd be proud of me if you knew
I did pumpkin spice eyeshadow
You would've liked it
Like that time my sister put a photo of me on instagram and you messaged me but I ignored you because I was mad at you
But I g...
Monday 25th November 2019 7:46 pm
I'm afraid to sleep
I don't want to dream about you
I know it will hurt more if I do
Sunday 24th November 2019 9:54 pm
I hope this finds you somehow
on a train
or walking to a lecture
or waking up to the sound of the clocktower
I hope somehow it finds you
So I can tell you
without saying a word at all
I miss you like hell
and I love you to pieces
I didn't mean for this to happen
I could call
but I think hearing your voice would still hurt
I could text...
Sunday 24th November 2019 5:26 pm
There are ground rules
That I broke
Those that we promised
I can no longer abide by
Do not fall in love with me
The warning sign so clear
But I fell down the rabbit hole
With no return
The only indication being the dull ache from the fall
You cannot know
I cannot tell you
Without destroying a balance that existed days ago
Sunday 24th November 2019 3:29 pm
If I should have a daughter
I will tell her
of a boy I knew
They will give you roses
Tell you of your beauty
Of your kindness
Of your innocence
They will tie red bows of ribbon around your heart
Bless it with a kiss
Prompt you to tear down your walls
"Let me in"
They will say
"I won't hurt you"
They will say
They will gui...
Sunday 24th November 2019 3:23 pm
I feel a little more me today
The crying spell has passed
With each hour, ticking by softly, my lungs awaken
I breathe easier now
I enjoyed my morning coffee
Sat by the steamy windows
Watching the sunrise slowly emerge from behind the dewy grass
Colour is returning to my cheeks
Repairing some part of the fragile soul I was two days ago
Monday 18th November 2019 7:40 am
I am at the pit of my breakdown
Saying goodbye to sleep I once loved
Food I could once eat without nausea
That once allowed rest
Sitting on the floor sobbing
Do I allow this pain to make me human
Or wish it away?
I bring these matters to You
I cannot do it alone
I’m still processing
Picking out the safest part...
Saturday 16th November 2019 10:20 pm
There is a pit inside of me
A deep, dark abyss where the negative thoughts grow
“I will fail”
“I cannot do this”
That is why
When I look at you, there is pain behind my eyes
Bleeding onto my cheeks
Staining all that surrounds me
This bubble of safety
Does not always contain it
This is what high functioning looks like
From afar, it is well co...
Tuesday 12th November 2019 8:57 pm
I might like you
I think to myself on late night lonely trains
Watching the city lights fade into the distance and wishing
If only you were here to see it, too
There are worse people to adore than your best friend
Worse people to know everything about you
and you of them
I know you
Moments you regret
Private jokes and unspoken secrets
Tuesday 12th November 2019 8:40 am
I could blossom under your hands
let us show them how
Saturday 6th July 2019 10:28 pm
I’m stuck trying to revise old moments with you
when I realise that they are no longer there
Not like in a “I’ve locked them up and thrown away the key” type of way
This isn’t the doing of my subconscious either
These memories have been stolen from me
All I wish is to relive seconds of your hands on my bare skin
The cashmere softness of blankets beneath us...
Wednesday 13th February 2019 7:50 pm
I have always been a whole person
Please don’t let what I now describe convince you otherwise
But I left the other part of me in foreign country
I love the way he says my name
With words and phrases I have heard before
But those that have not enlightened me until now
I can breathe around him, more than mere survival
I met him in a world where sum...
Wednesday 29th August 2018 10:19 pm
I've been trying to fill a void, shamelessly I have to admit
by subsituting our late nights in with even later nights out
Friends once lost or forgotten reappear into the abyss that long ago were hours I would have dedicated to someone else
Like water filling a gap in the ocean floor, it is difficult not to let them pour in
But these are the friends I need
Night time drives with ...
Monday 23rd April 2018 9:11 pm
my anxiety is a burden I can no longer carry
bones and muscles this weak were not designed for this
I was not born for this
like the ocean, my anxiety washes over me
soaking each tissue of my being
forever drowning without being able to come up for air
I am not defined by my mental health
or by the tremurs or leaks that escape from my body
but often sometimes...
Tuesday 13th March 2018 2:07 pm
I am back in places I should not be,
Within arms I once begged to release me.
These are not memories I pride myself on.
I have ventured into this part many times before,
Only to run as far as I could.
There is only so much running that can be done,
before I remember the world is round.
You have to breakdown to breakthrough is what I tell myself.
But how many time...
Monday 11th September 2017 10:09 pm
Our painted past was once a blissful memory
Now red hot bamboo splinters are stuck under my nails
The heat is enough to keep me warm in the winter
with a dull ache
I have been burned by the ice between us
separating what we once knew
or at least the remnants of it
I had thought these bodies were not meant for poison
In a world so full of it ...
Monday 11th September 2017 9:56 pm
(quite often nowadays)
that I'm slowly running out of words to describe how you left me
like a blackhole, in both good ways and bad
it sucks in all that was good and rips those memories from me
but takes away all that I hated
I have so much I want to say
and so much I hold back on
to admit what I wish I could
I wonder how you...
Tuesday 27th June 2017 10:28 pm
It just wasn't love
Even though you'd whisper, "I love you"
In between gasped breaths
As if each movement was a reinstatement, a confirmation
But plasters and bandages would not remove and heal the scars of thoughts of you left imprinted on my skin
(regardless of however much I wished they would)
Love was weary then, held his head low and was nervous
Had rough hand...
Wednesday 24th May 2017 10:15 pm
You told me I was worthy of more, but always convinced me to stay
Today I leave our bedroom the way it was left this morning
Cushions and pillows adorning the bed
we chose for this life together
A shared bathroom that won't be shared anymore
Two shelves, one mostly empty
A walk in wardrobe, filled once with fabric that clothed us
Only now it is bare with...
Tuesday 16th May 2017 6:26 pm
You asked if this was okay
But I didn't have the heart to tell you the truth
didn't possess the words to say
this is so much more
It just didn't seem to roll off my tongue the way mine rolled over yours
There wasn't enough time to explain the feeling of innocent euphoria I experienced with you
No way to begin to illustrate how you made me unravel at the seams like lillie...
Sunday 23rd April 2017 9:28 pm
We enter this world on days when life is slightly kinder
Pushed by our family in our pushchair,
we are content.
As we've grown, we are given happiness as a gift
We are given happiness with gifts,
the sweetness of our mother's kiss,
the softness of a kitten
We were unaware of the concept of age
We gave love willingly,
our first kiss being messy and conf...
Sunday 23rd April 2017 5:45 pm
We are not a metaphor.
Although, we have met before
I was a shy girl with bright blue eyes and you were a brown haired boy who played guitar on the bus
We grew up and grew together, inseparable
Unaware of what to call what we were, what we had
This was back when childhood was innocent and we still weren't sure how to kiss
Lips, mouths, necks, hands
We figured t...
Tuesday 18th April 2017 9:27 pm
I like how this looks on you
You wear it
I won't lie, I'm enjoying this
You can't seem to comprehend how I
will fight back
How I am more than blood, sweat and tears
I am jubilations
and festivals in this body
I was birthed by a goddess
I did not fall onto this E...
Tuesday 18th April 2017 12:21 pm
are also, it seems,
we can't quite figure out who to blame
we just know, it can't be ourselves
Tuesday 18th April 2017 10:14 am
When we were children, if things hurt us we would stop
Pricking fingers on roses, desperate to feel its softness, to smell it
We would be curious and we would get hurt and we would learn a lesson from that
But as I've grown older
I've hurt myself further
I've clung to what we were as if I was gripping a rockface in a heavy storm
sometimes the storm wins
Everytime I ...
Tuesday 18th April 2017 10:10 am
You look at me and forget
I was strong before I was pretty
You disregard my mind in hopes that my heart is a path leading you to my body and briefly
I regret to have met you, you see my eyes before you hear my voice
For you have already forgotten the first rule; I am strong
So when I love, I love strongly
And when I hurt, I hurt badly
But when I scream, ...
Tuesday 18th April 2017 9:32 am