I wish I could rewind to before 

When things seemed much easier 

Somewhat childlike and innocent 

Tinged with a longing for something more 

Your way with words 

Had me falling in love 

While I was busy falling too deep 

You kept me at arms length, too afraid to try 

I want you to come home to me 

Nestle in between warm blankets 

With the windows wide open 

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I lost a part of myself again today 

Let go of some small sadness I had been holding onto 

The pieces, held so tightly in my small hands

Had done nothing but make me bleed 

I am still learning

To reincarnate the leaves I had shed 

I will not allow myself to be like before 

I will bloom differently this time 

I will grow 

Every old petal will fall away softly 

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You will never understand 

How the empty space on your side of the bed haunts me each night 

Even now

I await the creak of metal as you turn over softly in your sleep

When your arm would be dragged from the cold side by the wall and drift across my back 

Brushing my hair out of the way and circling patterns with your fingertips 

Even now 

I kid myself believing I’m h...

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Each word you whisper is an imprint on my body 

but it never seems to last long enough 

Each touch turns to a bruise when you are no longer there 

Tattoo this skin so I have some form of permanency 

An inkling of where you have been, so that I no longer question its reality 

Permeate each delicate layer 

There are moments of sheer clarity

Driving through winding dark stre...

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He was not a rose with thorns 

Or a daisy being forever plucked 

He loves me 

He loves me not 

He was weaving ivy 

Everytime I cut him back 

He’d creep through the smallest crevice 

He would find the gate to the hidden garden in my heart 

Unlock the latch and wind through each part of me 

So slowly at first 

That one would not even know he was there 

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Rain is comfortable to me 

I am drowning anyway 

There is no difference through my eyes 

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Pull me closer until our breath combines 

Sway me like oceans controlled by the moon 

Let your fingers dance on my skin 

I want to play this game with you 

Moves made to control the other 

Hands delicately placed to tease you 

Crimson lips on your neck 

Bruise this body with my words 

Leave my mark, show them where I’ve been 

Show them all what I’ve claimed 

Draw...

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I cannot be with you

I cannot be without you 

Pulled by an invisible thread 

Sewing us together two broken things 

Tell me how to cut us apart, when there are no scissors strong enough to sever us 

Every fibre of my being is bound to you, clinging to you 

I would burn for your wandering gaze 

Set your eyes upon me 

View me through those lashes 

Touch me again, ...

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Today has been a better day 

I wasn’t a mardy bitch 

I didn’t cry when something went wrong 

I ate food without nausea or gagging or that awful washing machine feeling in my tummy 

Today was an easier day 

I could talk without the lump in my throat strangling me 

I walked through university enjoying each rain drop falling onto my cheeks

or dripping through my ey...

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Was it a mistake?

Everytime your hands caressed my warm skin

The bruises on my thighs 

From something so tender turns something so blue 

The imprint of your lips on me 

Leaving lovebites in their wake

The gentle beginning 

Ending as I call your name 

Pain and power and pleasure 

Mixed with a childish innocence

What have we become?

We are not two people in...

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6:15 pm 

I nearly called just now 

I'm going for dinner for my birthday 

I wanted to tell you that the nausea stopped 

I'm going to eat my body weight in pasta, you'd be proud of me if you knew 

I did pumpkin spice eyeshadow 

You would've liked it 

Like that time my sister put a photo of me on instagram and you messaged me but I ignored you because I was mad at you 

But I g...

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I'm afraid to sleep 

I don't want to dream about you 

I know it will hurt more if I do 

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I hope this finds you somehow

on a train 

or walking to a lecture 

or waking up to the sound of the clocktower 

I hope somehow it finds you 

So I can tell you 

without saying a word at all 

I miss you like hell

and I love you to pieces

I didn't mean for this to happen 

I could call 

but I think hearing your voice would still hurt

I could text...

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There are ground rules 

That I broke 

Those that we promised 

I can no longer abide by 

Do not fall in love with me 

you said 

The warning sign so clear

But I fell down the rabbit hole

With no return 

The only indication being the dull ache from the fall

You cannot know

I cannot tell you

Without destroying a balance that existed days ago 

...

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If I should have a daughter 

I will tell her 

of a boy I knew

-

They will give you roses 

Tell you of your beauty 

Of your kindness 

Of your innocence

They will tie red bows of ribbon around your heart 

Bless it with a kiss

Prompt you to tear down your walls 

"Let me in"

They will say 

"I won't hurt you" 

They will say 

They will gui...

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I feel a little more me today 

The crying spell has passed 

With each hour, ticking by softly, my lungs awaken

I breathe easier now

I enjoyed my morning coffee 

Sat by the steamy windows 

Watching the sunrise slowly emerge from behind the dewy grass 

Colour is returning to my cheeks 

Repairing some part of the fragile soul I was two days ago

I dream 

Ag...

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I am at the pit of my breakdown

Saying goodbye to sleep I once loved

Food I could once eat without nausea 

Dreams 

That once allowed rest

Help me 

I pray 

Sitting on the floor sobbing 

Do I allow this pain to make me human

Or wish it away?

I bring these matters to You 

I cannot do it alone 

I’m still processing 

Picking out the safest part...

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There is a pit inside of me 

A deep, dark abyss where the negative thoughts grow 

“I will fail” 

“I cannot do this”

That is why 

When I look at you, there is pain behind my eyes

Bleeding onto my cheeks 

Staining all that surrounds me 

This bubble of safety 

Does not always contain it 

This is what high functioning looks like 

From afar, it is well co...

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I think

I might like you 

I think to myself on late night lonely trains 

Watching the city lights fade into the distance and wishing 

If only you were here to see it, too

There are worse people to adore than your best friend 

Worse people to know everything about you 

and you of them 

I know you 

Moments you regret

Private jokes and unspoken secrets 

At o...

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I could blossom under your hands 

let us show them how 

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I’m stuck trying to revise old moments with you 

when I realise that they are no longer there 

Not like in a “I’ve locked them up and thrown away the key” type of way 

This isn’t the doing of my subconscious either 

These memories have been stolen from me 

By time 

All I wish is to relive seconds of your hands on my bare skin

The cashmere softness of blankets beneath us 

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